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What to do about CRAZY jealous Bio-Mom

mcar222's picture

I have no idea what to do about the latest crazy antics of bio-mom. My soon to be husband and her have a 5 yr old SD which they split custody. She is at our house 3 days and BM's 4 days. BM has been nothing but crazy, but I think she has reached a new low. She recently told SD5 that "Daddy loves her(me) more than he loves you". SD was so upset and rightfully so. We shower her with nothing but love and my FH makes sure he tells her all the time. Question is, what do you say to BM? She also told SD that "All men are evil". So SD says "she is never getting married because all men are evil". Any help would be greatly appreciated!

mcar222's picture

Thanks SpunkidooLittle! Unfortunately I wish there is more we could do. It's amazing how selfish this woman is and how she wants to ruin her daughter's life.

StepMadre's picture

I totally went through this too. It's just the antics of a jealous, pathetic, petty and sad woman trying to lash out because she doesn't have any other way of expressing herself. I am filled with disgust for these women that use their kids as pawns though and end up hurting the children they claim to love! I think all of our BMs went to some secret seminar retreat where they teach them how to be passive aggressive, attempt and fail with reverse psychology and to manipulate and involve their children in their pathetic little vendettas.

I say keep on doing what you're doing and ignore BM. When our BM failed to get a response out of us she finally gave up and although she still says nasty stuff and trash talks us, it's not nearly as frequent as it used to be and the skids are pretty unaffected by it. Initially, when it was really bad, it got to the point where my SS12 (10 at the time) actually defended me to his mom and took my side automatically! She wound up being shocked and humiliated and gave up trying to be nasty to me in front of the skids. Right after H and I got together she was at her worst and I spent months ignoring her and taking the high road. She finally went too far at one point and I wrote her a letter and sat down and talked with her and I told her that we know that she trash talks about us, and me specifically, and that she needs to grow up, get a life and act like a decent mom, not some vicious teenage mall rat with a queen bee complex. I called her out on everything and used specific examples. She lies with no compunction and when she feels attacked her first reaction is to lie. She's really stupid and her lies are really bad and obvious (especially for someone who has so much practice) and so her lies always contradict something she said earlier. I called her out on lying too and she just said, "so? what are you going to do about it?" just like some bratty little kid. She acted bitchy and defensive and I was brutally honest about my feelings and opinions and I hit some pretty major nerves. It turned into a longer saga with more nasty emails from her, my responses and another sit down meeting. If she behaved decently I completely ignored her and made no contact, but when she went too far I stepped in and told her what I thought. I was so blunt that I was her worst nightmare (and still am haha!) because she is the queen of denial and can't face reality or take responsibility for her own mistakes and flaws.

Basically, it felt really good and cathartic to finally express myself to her and it actually did improve her behavior and then eventually made her so scared of me that she doesn't mess with me and harass me like she used to. She knows I have a brain and a mouth and I know how to use both of them! One thing I have learned though is that while it feels good to express yourself, in most cases I think no to little contact or response is the best policy. I let myself get dragged into a petty, immature fight (it took months to wear me down, but I finally just had to say my piece). Your BM sounds like she might be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, as mine is, and unless BPDer's are in therapy, admit they have a problem and actively work towards change themselves, it is nearly impossible for them to behave maturely and resist all kinds of nastiness. They always blame other people or things for their own problems and they are selfish and destructive. They are usually addicted to something and/or very impulsive and make bad choices repeatedly (seemingly unable to learn from their failure). The addiction can be anything from drugs and alcohol to casual sex and shopping. BPDer's are very impulsive and I think that has a lot to do with how many of them are addicts of some sort. My BM was extremely promiscuous before H and seems to be making up for lost time now with some of the seediest guys from the grossest bars in our town. She STILL has a reputation from over ten years ago and and in two years she has had six "boyfriends" that we know of. I'm sure, given her past behavior and lack of maturity, that she has a lot of one night stands. I have a bartender friend who works at the most popular bar in town and he said that while she doesn't get blackout wasted, she is hanging off of a different guy (butt ugly and usually fat, according to my friend who is gay and has great taste in guys!) every time she's at the bar and always leaves with them, all while visibly drunk but not completely wasted. Yours might have BPD or just exhibit a lot of the symptoms. She is also engaging in PAS (parental alienation syndrome) by trying to talk you two down and turn her daughter against your fiance. Google it to get some good info. PAS and BPD are very similar
in the way you can handle them so reading up on both can be really helpful.

My history with my BM has been full of chaos and drama and I am at a really good point right now, but it's taken time and a lot of mistakes for me to get here. If I could go back in time, I would have still set clear boundaries and not let her walk all over me, but I would probably not respond to her taunts because it didn't help anything and just gave her the negative attention she wanted. More than anything, she hates being ignored and seeing that her comments and jabs don't have an impact on me anymore. Lately she's been saying nasty things about me to the skids and of course they repeat it to me as she wants, but I totally don't care what she has to say and being mocked by a woman sporting a mustache and a double chin isn't as devastating as BM would like to think it is.

As far as your ss goes, she will figure it out over time. Some BMs do this crap and they really don't realize that it's just going to come back and bite them on the ass eventually. It never occurred to my BM that the kids were going to find out about the stuff she's done and when they found out one small fraction of the crap she has pulled, she almost had a complete nervous breakdown because the kids were so mad at her and her horrible behavior was revealed. She doesn't care about hurting people, she cares about getting caught and she doesn't want her kids to find out about all the stuff she does and the way she neglects them and fails to provide adequately for them. I NEVER say anything nasty about BM and my choice has paid off. From my skids perspective I have been with their dad for over two years and in that two years they have gotten to the point where they actually favor me over their own mom, by a lot. I find it shocking myself because it seems like the bio-bond is almost always insanely strong and kids love their parents even when they're abusive or just appalling. Both of my skids tell me how much they love me and want to be around me constantly. It can be really overwhelming and exhausting when I have a four day stretch on holidays where it's just me and the boys full time because they follow me everywhere, constantly talk to me ask me to play with them (card games, board games and video games) and basically act like little velcro guys. I can see that they think I'm more fun than their mom because I am, but it really surprises me that they prefer me when it comes to the rough stuff too. Starting about two weeks ago, SS6 has used his brothers phone to call me in the middle of the night because he had nightmares. Instead of going to find his mom and get comfort from her, he chose to call me instead!! I consider it a huge honor that they love me so much and that despite all my ambivalence, frustrations and exhaustion and my rough patch a year ago we still have been able to forge a great bond with love and trust. I have a feeling that your skid will probably come to the same realization. So many BMs are in for a huge shock when their kids turn into teens and adults and they realize what horrible things their moms have done.

In my situation, I have never nasty talked BM to the boys (in fact, I am positive and supportive when they talk about her) or tried to turn them against her. I don't use them as pawns to hurt her and I do my best to shelter them from the adult drama. I am honest with them and answer their questions as honestly and clearly as I can. I try to focus on them and helping them when they're with us, not use the time to bitch about BM or act passive aggressive towards her through them. BM has done the exact opposite. She is genuinely delusional in a lot of ways and she thinks, and has said this to both H and I, that her kids have an "obligation" to love her and that because she's their biological mother it automatically means that the kids will prefer and like her over any other parental figure (including H). Right after H and I got married and we were trying to develop a civil relationship with BM and met up with her to discuss custody and she straight up declared that she was the better parent. It's really stupid and petty to fight about something like that, but H and I were amazed and just looked at each other and burst out laughing. That pissed her off even more so it was fun. }:) We asked her for any evidence that she was the better parent and she had nothing to say. She makes stupid statements like that, base them on nothing and then declare them as fact! She has also admitted that if she "wants" something she "should" have it. She seriously has a bizarre fantasy world in which she is extremely entitled to have anything and everything she wants just because she wants it! This is very typical of BPD and also Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which I personally think she has too (although she hasn't officially been diagnosed with that one, just the BPD) Since then, she has still claimed to be the better parent, despite the loads of evidence showing that she is, in fact, unfit to parent a hamster.

Anyway, sorry I have gotten distracted and gone off on tangents a plenty! Basically I just wanted to say that you have my empathy and i'm sorry you have to deal with this, it just plain old sucks. Depending on her personality and mental state and stability, your best bet is probably to ignore her bad behavior and let her act like a crazy person all she wants. I would bet money that she wants a reaction out of you and would get a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction from thinking that she has upset you. Don't let her have that power over you. She is only as strong as you let her be. While I recommend low to no contact in general, that also goes hand in hand with standing up for yourself too. You can rise above and ignore her and set and keep strong and clear boundaries. You can insist on basic respect and other than that ignore her. Every kid is different but they're not that easy to brainwash and most of them have no problem making up their minds and accurately perceiving what is really going on.

Anyway, I also want to add that most likely your BM will eventually lose steam and not be so awful. If given the tools and a chance our BM would do anything to break us up and/or ruin our lives, but she doesn't have the power or ability and after getting no reaction from either one of us for quite a long time, she is definitely less motivated to be aggressive with us. We all hate each other just as much as before, we just keep things as professional as possible. I hope for you and your FSD's sake that this wacko BM calms down and stops acting like such a loser. If I were a BM, I would do everything I could to be professional, rational, self respecting and honest. I would find it embarrassing that my pettiness and nasty behavior would be on display for everyone to see, but BM is white trash and has no shame to lose, or a reputation for that matter...Let the BM do her crazy thing, set clear boundaries and then ignore the hell out of her. If she's frustrating you, get it out in some other way, like writing on here or in a journal or writing her a letter and not sending it etc...

Well, good luck and keep us all posted!

UnofficialMommy's picture

I have a similar stepmother issue as you, StepMadre. It's painful and anixety riddening. His BM has undiagnosed BPD- and does almost the exact same things that the BM above does. The only difference is she is not brave enough to ever berate me in front of my SS and partner because she knows I stand my ground, and that my partner will not tolerate it for a second. She tries to be "big" via text message, but even then, she is quite the coward. She knows we will use it to prove her instability and try to gain primary custody of my SS (which we are in the prcoess of anyway). She also has learned by now that I 100% call her out on her lies and manipulations in a professional way. It drives her insane. However she will be hostile to my SS if he shows too much affection to his dad and I. He is only a toddler. This is very painful for his dad and I to see, it also gives us a lot of anxiety to what goes on behind closed doors. He's too young to "fully" communicate with us. Though it shows in sudden anxious behaviors that his dad and I try hard to validate and soothe. It's been so bad at times that a child who is usually affectionate and loving to his dad and I, will feel the need to not touch us, or even say bye to us, in fear of upsetting her. My SS adores me, it's very evident, even his dad frequently comments "I know he adores you because he tells you he loves you more than ANYONE, all day, all the time." I am so incredibly honored I've been able to be a safe space for him. It's painful though to watch her attempt to sabotage our relatioship, as well as the one he has with his dad. It's also difficult because we work so hard on his deveopment when he's with us, only for him to degree badly when he's away from us for longer than a couple days. This is my first post here, after reading above I had to comment to someone who understoof these struggles. Thank you. 

pat's picture

Ignore her is the best place to start. My sick ex started with the trash e-mails and texting. So, I blocked both of them. Now , she sends stuff by snail mail. I don't know where she gets the energy or the time. I am with my new girlfriend and it burns her a$$ . Good luck.

mcar222's picture

Thanks everyone for your support! Now, BM calls my FH and saying that SD5 is so upset that she thinks daddy loves (me) more than her and she wants to talk about it on the phone. When in fact SD5 said "Mommy said..." and kids don't lie at that age. What is more interesting is that SD5 has been at our house the past 2 nights. This horrible woman is just desperate for attention. She calls my FH all the time just to talk. I told him to stop answering the phone unless SD is at the house. Let her leave a message. BTW, she is a complete drunk. She will be wasted, call FH, slurring and all, complaining about something all the time. I just wish she could leave us alone!

pat's picture

People are a ex for a reason. I hope you find peace some how. Make boundries and build walls is my best advice untill the child gets older.

iwishyouwould's picture

those are the types of things that you can request supervised visitation for... at least in my state. bm in your case is emotionally traumatizing the child. that is not in the childs best interest. get it all on record, record conversations with bm while she is obviously intoxicated if it is legal in your state, video tape sd saying those things with no coaxing from either of you, etc etc. document EVERYTHING and then take it to a judge if you are comfortable going that route. our bm is just like yours and it has taken us a year to figure out how to set boundaries with a crazy jealous drunk BabyMomma - its not working and we will be going to court if it doesnt stop very soon.