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What is this called?

caitlinj's picture

Submitted by caitlinj on Tue, 06/05/2018 - 12:20am

Forums: 
General Discussion

When your partner or spouse has empathy and sympathy for people they do not know (homeless people, people on the streets, people who grew up in the hood, drug addicts, domestic violence victims they do not know, etc) and has certian political leanings and is very vocal about helping these people yet they have zero empathy for their spouse who hasnt had an easy life and works their tail off only to be treated like second class by them when they come home?

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Tue, 06/05/2018 - 12:44am

Does he ACT on this supposed sympathy and actually DO things for others?  Talk is cheap.

Our BM has AsPD but she is the Champion Of The Downtrodden™.  Her cause is "bullying".  Funny, she is a bully, but she obsesses about bullying because she wants people to recognize that she is being bullied.  It's all about her.  "Ask me, please, ask me why bullying is such a sore subject for me.  *sob*  DH used to do whatever I asked.  Now DH stopped writing me checks whenever I wanted.  He's so MEAN. Boooo hoooooooo."

It is important to understand that narcissists can “fake it” when it benefits their agenda. Beside the need to look “normal” and magnanimous, they also expect to get something back. Partners of narcissists have said:

He has made adaptations that allow him to “appear” to be thoughtful and concerned about others. Early in our marriage, he would ask me what I would like to do. Then one day it dawned on me that while he asked, we never ended up following my suggestions! When I mentioned this to him, he had a crestfallen appearance and behaved like a child who had been caught doing something wrong.

I think that faux empathy stems from a number of things. A need to fit in, socially–to appear like a feeling, caring person is certainly one of them. In some cases, it’s probably an acquired social skill, albeit a superficial one. Like learning which utensil to use when dining in polite company. In other cases, it’s a means to getting what you want from people.

She had “intellectual” empathy:  almost as if she knew she should react that way. She didn’t feel it at the soul/being level. She knew the words, but couldn’t hear the emotional music of our relationship. 

https://thenarcissisticlife.com/narcissism-and-empathy/

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Tue, 06/05/2018 - 5:30am

This. 

My narcissist MIL is the same way. It’s all about maintaining a certain appearance. It’s a sham. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Tue, 06/05/2018 - 1:34am

Why do you stay with this man? What do you get out of this relationship that is positive? You deserve better.

MoominMama's picture

Submitted by MoominMama on Tue, 06/05/2018 - 6:08am

It's to make them look good. My mother is like that. I could give endless examples of her callousness to me and other family members but she will sound like mother theresa when talking about children who are sick (although she beat and terrorised two of her own) and especially over animals. 

newwtostepguy's picture

Submitted by newwtostepguy on Tue, 06/05/2018 - 9:49am

They do it to maintain an appearance. It’s fake. The way they treat you, and others, when people are not looking, shows their true character.

markwvualum's picture

Submitted by markwvualum on Tue, 06/05/2018 - 12:49pm

It's called being Narcissistic and phony for the sake of image. This type of behavior is a red flag.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Tue, 06/05/2018 - 2:22pm

it should be called, Caitlin? You're the one living in misery. Why is it so very important to diagnose and overanalyze this man? He's merely a garden variety loser. Men who are lazy and of poor character can be found anywhere.

I believe that your life would get much better if you would stop over thinking and take some sort of action on your own behalf. Your life will get better when you take out the trash and get ready for better things.