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What 38 year old man talks to his mom multiple times a day still?

megansider's picture

What 38 year old man talks to his mom multiple times a day still and spends a good portion of his free time at her place? He says it’s so she can see her grandkids but I think it a a little odd. Also what 38 year old man runs to his mom and talks to her about his girlfriend when he is having relationship problems? Maybe it’s just me but is this odd? I thought maybe it is his culture. His sister is the same way and is in her 30s and still living at home. 

MurphysLaw's picture

“What 38 year old man talks to his mom multiple times a day still and spends a good portion of his free time at her place?”

A Mama’s BOY.

Because a MAN wouldn’t.

Rags's picture

Neither would a real woman. My XW would spend more time at her parent's home than ours.  I would get home from work to find a message on the answering machine that she was at her parents and would be staying there for the night.  She would also tell me what time dinner was at her parent's.  After the first 6mos of that crap I quit going to my IL's in response to those messages.

I call my parents any number of times each week.  I/We visit them fairly regularly thought it takes a 4hr drive to get to their place. They visit us regularly though less frequently.

Being close with one's parents does not necessarily indicate a problem.  But, it is one of those things where you know it when you see it if it is a problem.

For my XW, it was definately a problem.  It turned out that my XIL clan was a toxic mess.  My XBIL moved he and his family far from my XILs due to the toxic influence of his mother and my XFIL's weakness to control my XMIL and keep her under control.  I got out 19 years before the whole facade of my toxic XILs happy family collapsed.  XW ended up breeding 3 all out of wedlock spawn (#1 & #3) by two different cheat partners while she was married to someone else (she was married to me when she got knocked up by the first baby daddy and got knocked up with #3 when married to him and cheating with baby daddy #2).  Spawn #2 was out of wedlock with baby daddy #1 before he married her.

XILs can be a huge problem. That is why once they are XILs they need to stay XILs and not included in the ongoing life of the person who used to be married to their offspring.

IMHO of course.

 

MissTexas's picture

like mom enabled and encouraged this behavior.

With the little information provided, I could reach a myriad of conclusions.

Was she the primary or dominant parent when the kids were growing up?
Were the kids ostracised socially?

Since the sister is the same way, it seems like it may be cultural, OR the mother was most likely the dominant "knower of all" parent, she may have given them the impression that she has all the answers, and created and insecurity in them, or maybe the one they felt most comfortable with confiding in.

Most people in their 30's have friends, and other alternatives in their social circles to bounce things off of when they feel the need to.

I love my adult children, but I would go bonkers if they called multiple times a day and looked to me to resolve their issues.

One foreseeable problem here is, if they are confiding relationship problems with her (& vice versa, when parents use their adult kids as thier go-to confidants, and "tell all") is that she is forming an opinion about the other person they are talking about. This is known as tirangulation. Read about it, it's not pretty.

sickofstephell's picture

Maybe they are both very close to their mother and there is nothing AT ALL wrong with that. I pray to be my children's best friend one day. I would love if they came to me for advice when they have problems. There is a line that should not be crossed, but an adult man OR woman has every right to be close to their mother and in contact with her without judgement.

Find yourself a partner who has no relationship with his mother.

tog redux's picture

Sorry, but you can have a relationship with your mother that's healthy or unhealthy.

Enmeshment and closeness are not the same thing.

She needs to find a man who has a healthy relationship with his mother.

sickofstephell's picture

So because he talks to his mother on the phone a couple of times a day and goes to her with his problems, it's unhealthy? Um no. If he was having sleepovers at her house or having dinner with her every night or blatantly choosing his mother over his partner, that would be unhealthy. She said nothing alarming or jaw dropping.

megansider's picture

Actually he talks on the phone to his mother on average 8-12 times a day. And when he has relationship issues (with his girlfriend) he runs to mom and talks negatively about his gf and his mother chimes in agreeing with him and also bashing the girlfriend who has been good to him but won't put up with his temper tantrums, selfishness and mood swings. It becomes a mother and osn bashing session of the girlfriend. This also happened with his first marriage and that is exaclty why it ended and he is divorced. His mother was always in his business and has to know everything and when she began prying for info from his gf, who has also been nice and respectful to his mother,  the gf set a boundary (me) and told her she didn't want to talk about something personal (family issue) the mother became passive agressive and mean. Did I mention he never travels anywhere without his mother with him? Or that he spends nearly all of his spare time with his mother? I might add she is not elderly nor ill however she is widowed and a very controlling woman who also vented to her children about issues her and her husband were having when he was alive (he is now deceased). Also her grown daughter who is 40 still lives at home with her even though she has a very good job and no known health issues. Every relationship the daughter has had has failed too because of the mother's invasiveness and tha dughters immaturity. Yes the mother does babysit however she overstays her welcome regularly. On date nights she will babysit yet once her son and his gf are home she still stays to watch tv and hang out at his place for lengthy periods of time. I might add he regularly attends social events with his mother and she will either will not invite his gf or will late until the last minute to invite the gf so she cannot attend. I just wanted to add some more info and if you still think this is healthy then that is fine everyone is entitled to their own view however something in me tells me it is not healthy nor normal what is going on. To add I have a good relationship with my mother however she lives out of state. We talk weekly and see one other on holidays. We have our own lives. I just might add that I have a good career and have always been more indepedent than my bf. I am good with money and will likely retire within ten years. He is awful with money and in a lot of debt. He also allows his mother to help him with his bills occasionally so in return I believe there are strings attached. 

Rags's picture

You need to find a man rather than this adult sized mommy worshipping child.  Once daily calls to mommy is pathetic, a dozen times a day is sick.  It would not surprise me if this POS non man is in an incestuous 3way with his mommy and his sister. Deceased daddy is in a far better place. Obviously.  Don't wait until your own death to put this sick gene pool behind you.

Bad       Bad       Bad

This whole thread is extremely interesting.  A lot of people defending mommy worship and pining to be BFFs with their children.

I feel sorry for the kids.

Petronella's picture

He doesn’t just go to his mother with his problens. Per the OP, he goes to his mother to gossip and complain about his girlfriend, behind his girlfriend’s back. That’s very disloyal of him and is guaranteed to sabotage any relationship between his partner and his mother.

sandye21's picture

"So because he talks to his mother on the phone a couple of times a day and goes to her with his problems, it's unhealthy?"  Um, Hell NO!

Curious Georgetta's picture

are not comfortable being in  a relationship, why then does it matter why he does it?

Do you really want to find a reason to accept that which makes you uncomfortable?

The world is filled with men who do not do the things that you find uncomfortable; perhaps rather than trying to critique this behavior, why not find a different partner.

In the best of all worlds, he may find a woman who can love and accept him as he is and you can find a partner to love whose behavior that you find  acceptable. 

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sickofstephell's picture

Yes. My brother's wife loves how close he is to our mother and even to me. She said it makes him a better husband and father to my nieces. She is close to my mother as well.

Curious Georgetta's picture

behavior I found to be so troubling  and bothersome. I would hope that I would have the good judgement enough to recognize that this was not the relationship for me.

I would not try to fix him; nor would I try to analyze him.

I would wish him well as I moved  on to find a more compatible  partner.

somethingwicked's picture

OP, you should be the dumper this go round with this guy who made you the dumpee back in August.

There is NOTHING about him and his circumstances that screams  "Great Catch".

Back away from this relationship dumpster fire ..it will NEVER improve.

Livingoutloud's picture

Is the real issue is that he pays no attention to you or that he calls mom a lot? If he calls his mom a lot but it doesn’t take away all his time from his family life and personal relationship, then who cares. 

It’s common for women in bad relationships to complain how a man spends too much time with kids or mom etc when the real issue is that he is bad partner to his wife or girlfriend,  it doesn’t matter how often he sees his kids or talks to mom. He is either good boyfriend or he isn’t. If he isn’t, move on. 

Disneyfan's picture

So after reading the update I say the amount if calls wouldn't  bother me, but the content would. 

I don't  care how many times a day a SO talks to his mother or other family  members.  However, talking crap about me (violating my trust) would be a deal breaker.

Honestly,  I have zero interest  in trying to "fix" a man.  Either you come to the table with the qualities  I require, or you can keep it moving.  

I don't remember the OP's back story. Hopefully, she has moved on from this relationship.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

What benefit comes from trying to vilify  or  criticize someone for not being what you want or need?

The simple solution is to recognize and respect differences and move on. You cannot force someone to be what you want or need.  Not can someone force you to be what they want or need.

None of us are gods creating people in our likeness. Rather ,we are people seeking relationships with others with whom we share existing values , shared goals, and compatible life views

Lollybobs's picture

OP, the situation you describe which OH has with his mother does not sound healthy.

Having said that, the amount of contact between adults and their parents will vary from person to person so there is no 'right' or 'wrong' amount of time, so long as everyone is happy.

I would give anything to be able to speak to my mom one last time; I envy all of you who still have that luxury. Sad

 

ESMOD's picture

If it were just a few calls a day.. that's not, in itself, a huge problem for me.  Even taking the kids over to her place.. I can see that he may have gotten in that dynamic after he wasn't with his EX.. so probably relied on granny to help him with his kids.  My DH talks to his daughters and his mom/dad (and my dad).. on a semi-daily basis.. sometimes more than once a day.  but it's a checking in on them.. not sharing about a fight we had.

But.. venting to mom and sharing personal information about your relationship?  THAT is where i have a problem.  that is overly enmeshed

sandye21's picture

You really know what the answer is to this.  No normal adult, who has a normal 'partner' relationship with another person would be calling their Mother several times a day.  At least you're not married to him.  There are plenty of other 'less tied' fish in the sea.

captjacksprrw's picture

Just my 2 cents but I think it is this modern culture ... Love my wife dearly but we have too many of these biological parents who are Helicopter or Consierge or Bulldozer parents.  They have coddled/defended/babied these darlings to the point where said darlings cannot function in normal society.  In my case, we have a 28 year old paying some rent but still living at home.  Sadly, Mom still does things like driving him places because he hates to drive ... or a text at least a couple times per week of what's for dinner and if he doesn't care for it then can you pick me up some <fill in the blank>   Why do many parents do this?   It has definitely strained our marriage.  It won't break us but it is a point of frequent contention