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Weird culture of everyone expecting skids to be mistreated..?

sunshinex's picture

Does anybody else notice this weird culture of "poor kid" around stepkids from everyone? It seems like everywhere I turn, someone is feeling bad for my SD over something or looking for some hint that she's mistreated. She lives with us full-time, she's most certainly part of our family, but yet... People always seem to look for clues that she's not treated well. 

For example, halloween, my 1 year old son and I had matching costumes. When people asked what we were being, they're said "oh cute but WHAT ABOUT SD?" as if she was being left out. My husband offered to match with her but she declined because she's a kid and knows what she wants. 

My friend, the other day, got in our car and noticed that SD sits in the back row of the 7 seat SUV. She said "aw why does she have to sit back there?" as if it was awful and she's pushed to the back or something... Again, she's a kid, she LOVES her cozy little nook in the back. 

Even when I'm talking about my 1 year old's accomplishments/milestones to family and friends, they bring the conversation back around to SD asking how she's doing. I'm starting to feel so frustrated with it, especially when I'm trying to enjoy sharing something about my first born because it's all new and exciting to me. 

I just don't get it. Does anyone else experience this? Or maybe it's just me and I'm somehow giving the impression that i'm a stepmonster? 

Siemprematahari's picture

Step mothers have this stigma and its awful because contrary to what many people think WE are not all EVIL. I've learned over the years to not take it personal (as should you) because that is their perception and they have no idea what goes on behind the scenes. Its also the people who have no clue what being a step parent entails that have to make their unnecessary comments.

I'm saying all that to say that don't be taken a back by other peoples ignorance and/or comments. Enjoy your bundle of joy and know that your SD is loved and she is in the best possible hands. Don't allow anyone to steal you joy.

CLove's picture

Dont take it personally. Sure its annoying as heck, but anytiem you emphasize one child over the other, that will happen. Same thing happened with Feral Eldest, when I would brag about something Munchkin SD12 did and they are SISTERS. 

As to the people looking for us to be mistreating them, I think that NOW with a 50% divorce rate, that will hopefully be changing. With more folks being Stepparents, there will hopefully not be a stigma (soon please?)

Hey maybe we are all Stepmonsters at heart! 


Iamwoman's picture

We don’t take our skids out much anymore, and most people close to us have heard of or experienced their horrible behavior over and over again, so not at this point.

However, back when we were foolishly trying to be one big happy family, DD had a friend who had a little brother that was OSS’ age. The mother of these friends definitely held the skids in favor over DD. Skids could be horrible and this mother would favor them over DD who, at the time, we considered our “angel child” (not any more).

This mother’s bizarre preference was so off-putting that we slowly cut her out of our lives. We were thankful when DD lost interest in that friend (the girl was a spoiled brat anyway and often ruined playtime to the tune of her mother’s approval).

OSS never asked about his friend ( the little brother of DD’s friend), so obviously the friendship meant nothing to him, and this mother (along with apparently many people you know) had her own  issues to cause such bias.

Maybe try to cut some of those people from your life? You definitely deserve to revel in your first child’s moments without having someone else’s kid constantly dragged into the convo. It sounds like you care for her and do plenty for her, so people should show you a little more respect as a good mother and help you enjoy you bio child more.

hereiam's picture

When these questions were asked, did you answer them, as you did here? They might have just been honest questions, not necessarily asked because SD is a your step child. 

Honestly, I don't know anybody that automatically thinks that a step mom is evil or is mean to her step children. I mean, people say it's a stereotype and it is in movies and stories, but in real life, I don't come across that thinking. Are there evil women who are step mothers? Absolutely, but I don't think that it's just assumed that a step mother is evil. At least, not in my experience.

You have admitted that you don't feel the same way about your SD as you do your son (and that she gets on your nerves), and that is fine and normal, but maybe you feel defensive about it and so you take questions like that personally. Those same questions could have been asked if SD was your bio because her costume was different, because she was sitting in the back of an SUV by herself.

Same thing when you are sharing things about your son. If SD was your bio, you don't think people would ask about her? You think everybody would only want to hear about the 1 year old? They are being polite, for one thing.

Relax. Nobody thinks you are evil.



susanm's picture

My personal opinion is that it is a combination of the evil stepmother bit and the trend toward people thinking that they have a right to say anything and everything that happens to come into their head.  I don't know what has happened to society recently but apparently it is now perfectly OK to tell someone that they are not up to snuff as a parent, a spouse, a worker, or a person in general.  Have a thought?  Just let it fly - no reason to even consider whether it is rude, necessary, or even slighly any of your business.  It feels GOOD to criticize other people.  Especially when you know where their soft spots are!  And everyone knows that a stepmother already has several strikes against her.  She is an easy mark if you want to build your own sense of being "wonder mommy" by tearing someone else down. So don't let it get to you.  If someone is making you feel bad, and you are sure that it is not your own insecurity taking over but that they actually are being deliberately snarky, avoid them.  Life is too short for that crap.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

It’s called StepHell for a reason. I find it especially hilarious when the “poor widdle COD” crowd have NEVER been in StepHell. If they had they would understand and STFU!

 I hate it, too. Since I’m middle aged and cranky I’d probably say something snarky back and thus they’d learn not to provoke me. Wink

Rags's picture

This is extremely  odd to me.   We never had this issue. But then again, SS is an only child in our marriage.