You are here

Weekend Warriors

weightedworld's picture

I've seen a lot of he only gets her 4 days a month, there is no time to establish rules or for him to even really parent so it turns into 2 weekends a month full of fun and adventures and no real rules.

So my questions goes to, what about the kids that are witnessessing the chaos and get parented 24/7 and don't get this fun free for all loving dad while not only their weekend but everyones weekend gets turned upside down, EOW. 

We wonder why these kids feel entitled and resentment builds for the other kiddos involved. 

Thoughts?

hereiam's picture

he only gets her 4 days a month, there is no time to establish rules

Well, that is complete crap and I wouldn't have ever lived with my DH had he been that kind of parent. He parented the same post divorce as he did when he was with BM.

 

tog redux's picture

I agree. My DH always said, "I'd make him do chores if he was here one day a month." 

His kids need a FATHER, not a friend. It's just lazy, fearful parenting

S_mum's picture

I think you're somewhat wrong. 

You said that the kids who are parented 24/7 start feeling resentful of the kids who are not parented. I think it's actually the other way round. The kids who are there EOW start feeling resentful of the kids who are there 24/7.

This is because in reality, kids NEED parents. They NEED a parent who actually parents. When a parent doesn't parent his/her child, the child feels that he has, in some way "lost" that parent. The child feels as though he doesn't have a father anymore. The father is physically present but he's not fulfilling the role he's supposed to fulfill. This leads to the kids feeling confused and frustrated. 

So the father may think that he's actually doing a favour to his kids by acting like a friend rather than a parent, when in reality, it's the opposite. It's extremely detrimental to the kids' psychological well-being and messes them up, sometimes for life.

Twix's picture

You could be right about the EOW kids but that doesn't mean you need to dismiss the feelings of the 24/7 kids. Of course they are going to feel resentment for the kids who show up and get free reign of the place - what kid wouldn't. 
 

But I do agree that the EOW kids should be parented the same for whatever amount of time they are there. For everyone's sake. 

S_mum's picture

I never said that the feelings of the 24/7 kids should be dismissed.

I was trying to point out that the EOW kids may also end up feeling resentful in such a situation. It just turns into a whole giant mess for everyone involved. 

However, it is this OP's husband who has to be willing to change this situation. The OP can talk to her husband and explain to him that this situation is causing stress and resentment. She can also make suggestions as to how he can parent better. They can also attend counselling. However, as the saying goes: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. If her husband is not willing to make changes and parent his kids, then the OP will be left with two choices: either put with it or get out of the relationship. That's the reality of the situation

Twix's picture

"You said that the kids who are parented 24/7 start feeling resentful of the kids who are not parented. I think it's actually the other way around. The kids who are there EOW start feeling resentful of the kids who are there 24/7" 

 

That is dismissive. But I agree with "may also". And honestly the solution for both sets of kids is the same - parent all the kids all the time. And yes, like you said this falls on OP's DH. 

S_mum's picture

I said that because usually, it's the kids who see their parent EOW that start feeling resentful of the kids who are there fulltime.

We see it all the time here. The skids start feeling jealous and resentful of their step/half-siblings becuase they live with their dad 24/7 whilst they only see their dad EOW.

Twix's picture

Right - and the opposite happens quite often as well ... like the situation OP describes. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Maybe, if, the kids who are there EOW don't have any rules when they visit, they get the wrong idea about what it's really like at Dad's house. They might be jealous because they think that's how the other kids live 24/7. If they realized it's not all fun and games, they might not be so jealous. Just a thought. 

weightedworld's picture

I can see your point and agree with that as well. 

I was just sitting there thinking of this today and wanted to reach out for others opinions and thoughts. 

In our situation bf and hcbm split when their daughter was 1 yr old. She has obviously has no recollection of them being together (shes 6 now) and has only ever known the EOW schedule. I wouldn't imagine that this kind of resentment would set in for her until she was older and enough to realize what she missed out on growing up. 

In the meantime it is the opposite of what you speak of. 

My biggest pet peeve in my situation was the other kids would walk in and go about their days/evenings and life was good, just fit into life as if there was no beat skipped while they were gone while the moment she walked in it was parties on, chaos, never ending hype. As if she took off running so fast no one was able to catch her all weekend long. If he tried to speak to her about it on the way home then she would be mute all weekend and sit and pout going from one extreme to another. 

Generally when behaviors were attempted to be corrected than the behaviors towards others would increase dramatically. 

There was just never a happy medium and it was weighing heavy on everyone. Myself included, clearly, I'm here now. 

How does one effectively stop the train wreck and correct the years of 'damage' done? That is also where I am stuck after repetitive years of chaos and 4 days a month how do you reverse and go down a different path? Is that even possible? 

BethAnne's picture

It is possible, but it takes your boyfriend being committed to making the changes and an understanding that the transition may not be pretty or quick and their may be lapses but it will be worth it in the end. 

My husband always said that it was good for us to do normal, boring things with SD when she was with us just at the weekends (when that was the custody schedule) as that helps build a sense of stability and normality. Whereas when I started living with him I would feel like we needed to always do something special on the weekends. He was wiser than I was. 

weightedworld's picture

We are at the point now as I have stated in other posts that she is no longer welcome into the home largely to do with how she is towards the younger kids (2 & 1) 

He was taking her to his mothers EOW which has sinced turned into HCBM is communicating drop off and pick up with his mom instead of him which gets under his skin big time. I just have to sit back and laugh. His mother and her have been up each others asses back and forth for all of the 3 years I have been around, it's sickening. He will call to see about picking her up and what do you know she is already at GMAs because she left work early to go and pick her up. ( When we are in need of someone to watch the kids during the day due to daycare closing we have reached out to her because she has been so willy nilly with his daughter and get shot down every time. You know because of work and stuff, haha.) 

I digress.. but even now the weekends have consisted of movie at the movie theater, family fishing trips with grandma and aunt, trips to the green house. You name it it's being done. I think it's too much for BF at times but he doesn't know how to handle it either because he does not have an ability to step up to any of these females in his life.  

She's been out of the house for 2 months now and I haven't felt better. Everyone is thriving but it's become a huge thorne in my side because we could be getting so much stuff done around the house on those weekends. 

Previous posts I have complained about some issues with him and he has stepped up a great deal and putting forth the effort. I'm on the fence on if it will continue or if he is just trying to get his daughter back into the house. 

I've honestly thought about it and still am trying to figure out how it would work. But after 3 years and this being the #1 problem (it's why we split to begin with 1.5 yrs ago) I don't foresee it changing anytime soon if ever. It's VERY easy to have this fairytale idea of how things are going to go and how you think they should go until she walks into the door and the chandelier shatters on the floor with a "I'm back bitches!" attitude. 

The kid really has potential, shes 6 for gods sake. But she is surrounded by so much toxic and bad that I don't think she stands a chance. And I've just really come to the conclusion that I don't want to deal with it or her HCBM that if it means he leaves too I am okay with that. I will not put up with her just to be with him. 

More times than not when she gets under his skin which is usually within half hr of being home he's so annoyed and pist that instead of taking it out on her and correcting the behavior he takes it out on the rest of us. 

It's really like a bad omen has exited my house and I honestly feel bad for him that he still has to deal with it. 

 

weightedworld's picture

I would also like to add that I am struggling with this set up something *terrible*

I feel like it's not right and it shouldn't be this way but I am stuck with whatelse to do. It's mind blowing on how shitty people can actually be and then pass it down like it's a good thing. 

(( I know a gal who knows HCBM mutually who is also a Masters in Psycho therapy. She is a terrible people watcher and has classified her as a sociopath bordering psycho. IF ONLY she could document that in her diangosis and put a flashing neon light above her head. ))

I put so much effort and thought into blocking these negative feelings and definately blocking out the "lets just do it and figure it out" from bf as we/he hasn't gotten anything figured out yet 3 years deep. 

Rags's picture

Kids who are parented by quality parents thrive. Those who are not.... rarely thrive.  Even in the case of CODs and blended families, quality can counter quantity when it comes to parenting though if the quantity parent is lacking it is even more imperitive that the quality parent is diligent and uncompromising in their parenting.

IMHO of course.

advice.only2's picture

Having rules and structure in your house should be a constant, just because SD comes over for the weekend doesn't mean all those rules and structure go out the window. If that consistency was there EOW SD would have no problem fitting in and going with the flow. It's when the Disney parent can't stick to the structure and rules and feels the need to parent out of guilt.

weightedworld's picture

Then enteres the resentment towards step from the others.