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Wedding and BM?

callmemyname's picture

Hi all.

When did you tell your BM's about your wedding date? I really don't want her to ever know because shes a troll who will do her best to insert herself into OUR day but I guess we have to at some point. UGH. Every time we have something important she finds a way to ruin it! Family pictures for example, she asked to take him to the movies but we already had pictures scheduled so what did she do? Took him and got him the most RIDICULOUS haircut! And insisted SS chose it. He told us later at home that he didn't like it but mommy said he had to get it. So we spent saturday morning rushing around trying to get his hair cut before pictures! Then she was mad she "spent $50 on his haircut for us to change it in less than 24 hours." 1- It looked ridculous, 2- MY haircuts don't even cost $50 so where was she taking him that cost that much LOL! I swear if she finds a way to ruin my wedding day I will lose it on this woman! Where we are getting married will DEFINITELY be kept from her! Why can't some BMs just grow up!?

callmemyname's picture

What if the wedding falls on her weekend? As of right now, it is our weekend (we planned it that way) but it is still a year away and things sometimes change. We try to be very strict with the schedule but there are just some things that can't be avoided.

Siemprematahari's picture

Don't tell her anything she doesn't need to be privy to that information. I wouldn't worry about things changing (hopefully they don't) just plan your wedding and make sure she's a nonfactor.

callmemyname's picture

She is SO nosy! She texted FDH when we got engaged and was mad he didn't tell her he was going to propose!!!! She said she talked to ss about it and he was not happy! LOL HE HELPED FDH PICK OUT MY RING!! And was extremely bummed he wasn't at the concert with us when he proposed. She always acts like he doesn't like me but there have been so many times when I have him and he tells me he likes being with me and daddy more than mommy because all she does is sleep when hes at her house. She is a joke of a human being. SHe said she needs to know when we are getting married so she can take him for suit fittings and whatnot... No? We will take him? How about that? You won't be involved in ANYTHING to do with this day! This is the one day you have NOTHING to do with! Stop being jealous and let me have it!

Siemprematahari's picture

She needs to get over herself and doesn't have to do anything but mind her business when it comes to things between you and your FH's wedding. She doesn't have to do you a favor and take him for "fittings" I'm sure you and H are capable of that yourselves. She's just reaching right now so I'd keep things very tight lipped so that way SS is not sharing any info with BM.

callmemyname's picture

She likes to play mom of the year with us. Offers to do things that WE are more than capable of doing just to feel like she is better than us. For example, she wanted to take him shopping the weekend before he started school, even though it was our weekend. We told her that we were taking him and if she wanted to, she should have done it on her time. Her response? "I wanted to make a day of it and make sure he gets all the right stuff." We had the exact same list she did from the teacher lol. She just thinks shes bette than everyone. GUBM for suuuuure lol.

tog redux's picture

We had a ceremony in a park with only our two best friends, and then we had a dinner around 6 months later, just for family and close friends.

We didn't tell either BM or SS about either one of them.  SS wasn't at the ceremony (which made him mad, but we pointed out that no one was there except 2 people, and he got that). 

The dinner we planned for our weekend and we kept it very close to the vest.  SS didn't know until we pulled into the driveway of our house.  

Do not tell BM or the skids. DO NOT.

callmemyname's picture

SS is actaully in our wedding party as a grooman/best man spot. He is very involved in the wedding and he knows what's going on. HE just won't know the date until the weekend of so he can't tell her! LOL!

Jcksjj's picture

We told her when she texted asking to have SD that weekend for some festival. I'm guessing she found the date online on our wedding page or registry though because she wouldn't typically ask for extra days for something like that.  Otherwise I don't think we would have ever said anything to her. Shes engaged now and we've heard zero about when shes getting married. And we dont really care either.

lieutenant_dad's picture

If she is THAT crazy, some suggestions:

- No wedding website.

- No social media posts until after the fact.

- Don't tell SS the date or llocation. Or tell him the wrong date an location that is a month or so after your actual wedding date. Then she can plot against y'all for a date that means nothing, and you cal tell SS you had to move it when you have it earlier.

- Take him to fittings early (not that he'll likely need it if he is young enough - standard sizing usually applies, and you can take measurements at home).

- Don't have a wedding registry that is searchable online. If you do, use initials or put it under another name.

- Don't post pictures of any showers that may have dates thrown about.

- Have an usher to serve as a bouncer, and let the venue know that BM isn't allowed inside.

STaround's picture

Also, be extra careful if any of DH relatives or mutual friends still talk to her.  

callmemyname's picture

The fact that things like this even need to be thought of is INSANE lol. Just let people have their day. Sit at home alone and drink yourself to sleep like you usually do.

lieutenant_dad's picture

My SBro and SIL took a bunch of precautions when they were expecting and had my niece due to both of their crazy families. They only told my SF and Mom when SIL went into labor and which hospital they were at. Only called them when SIL needed to have a c-section. They were the only ones allowed at the hospital the day my niece was born. They had a passcode to even get on the floor of the hospital and had to be on a "list" in order to get back. No announcements on social media, no pictures on social media (that still is a rule to this day). Their families will take a mile if given an inch.

And they totally did. SIL decided she wanted her mom to visit two-ish days later, but just her mom. So who showed up? The whole fam damily. Her SF, grandmother, aunts, cousins, siblings, etc. Her mom was guilting her into seeing everyone, and my SIL allowed it because she has no strength to fight. THEN when my SBro kicked them out after 25 minutes, they ALL complained about how they drove soooo far and took off the whole afternoon to spend time with them. He still kicked them out.

So yeah. It sucks that precautions have to be taken, but at least there are those of us here who can help your scheme.

MissDenise's picture

It's not her business. As suggested just ask to have the kid/kids for that weekend or day.



ESMOD's picture

Honestly.. just skimming back at the post where you don't like his family.. and now this possible issue with BM?

My advice.. ELOPE.  You can take a small "family vacation".. and then voila.. surprise.. we are tying the knot.. just you, DH and his son.

Big weddings are a waste of money.. they are stress filled.. I am so glad I didn't do that with my husband.  Just a vacation where we got married and did stuff for US. 

Family and friends will get over it.


ESMOD's picture

It goes without sayin that ss won't know the true purpose of the trip.

If you want the pics in a pretty dress/tux.. plan that out.. have it shipped ahead of you to your destination.

Cbarton12's picture

We didn't tell her.

We told BM that DH's parents were coming to town (true) and that we'd like to have SD for extra time and she agreed since BM was taking her somewhere a couple of months later. 

shamds's picture

6.5 yrs since they divorced and ended contact with one another. It wasn’t her business anyways. No court order exists saying both spouses must inform and seek permission of ex-partner/spouse when they remarry or get engaged...

ndc's picture

DH and BM have a pretty good co-parenting relationship, so we would have told BM well in advance of the wedding (partly because she would have the skids on his days that fell during the honeymoon).  But we didn't have to tell her because DH posted our Save the Date on FB, and BM is his FB friend.  I was ready to wring his neck for posting it on FB, and not because of BM, either.  We learned of BM's upcoming wedding date on FB, too.

shamds's picture

goodness of their hearts decide they want to take their child for suit fittings.

honestlynif they’d had the chance they’d make their child dress so effed up like its a 1960s disco just to ruin your wedding

in my case bm married while kids were at school a week after divorce meaning she was cheating on hubby whilst married. She doesn’t get to know or feel entitled to know jackshit

even when bm married she bragged to hubbys sisters and work friends how in demand she was that she could get a man just like that... yet when we married literally right after the wedding ceremony one of hubbys sil calls bm to report wedding just done, lets see how long it lasts!!

then this sil bragged about it to hubbys eldest sister, the one who came to my country for our engagement (hubby paid for her airfare) and we are on really great terms. Hubbys sister tells him just to be careful whats mentioned because she’s spying for the exwife. Obviously her marriage of 11 yrs can’t be that amazing if she still must focus on hubby and me. 

I have blocked her kids entering my boundaries so they have jackshit to report to bio mum because every visit sd23 &sd14 report report report everything that went on in bio mum and stepdads life and tell us what they told bio mum about us. They are conditioned to do that by bio mum and respect no boundaries so i’ve shut down their ability to report anything since they are rude and do not understand the concept of respecting boundaries and peoples marriages

RogueSM's picture

When DH and I got married we didnt tell anyone.  Just got our witness went to city hall and got married then we called everyone about it.  When everyone asked why didnt we say anything we told them it was private and for us not for anyone else to be involved.


shamds's picture

Making her son looked so effed up so you are all embarassed really tarnishes bio mums image but she doesn’t give a shit. She’s more worried on getting back at you. So keep everything hush hush. She doesn’t need to know anything. Saying something as a courtesy is only for decent people. She clearly isn’t decent 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

This is largely why we got married in the courthouse. She's high conflict and insane. We didn't want her trying to ruin it (or fankly anyone else being moody about it.) So we took all that out of the equation and got married as just us.

She didn't know a thing about it. Because it was none of her business. She still tried to ruin it. DH marked himself as married on Fakebook, Psycho apparently is checking up on his profile and after he changed it (several days after we actually got married) she started texting him trying to reminiss. He ignored the wh0re. It was mostly just annoying as s***.

Thisisnotus's picture

Don’t tell her a thing unless you have to. SS will tell her.

we didn’t tell BM...she was LIVID! Step kids told her we were getting married....she went crazy. We only told the kids 2 weeks out so BM didn’t have time to ruin it. Out of spite because she is so high conflict, DH told her we were having a baby before we told the kids just to rattle her cage. I took great joy in that.

justmakingthebest's picture

I would keep is vauge but still have your FDH tell her. In writting!!! 

BM, callmemyname and I are excited to announce we will be getting married in June 2020. We don't have all of the details finalized just yet, but I wanted to make sure that SS will be able to attend. If that means that we have to double up one weekend and catch up later, I hope you will work with us. As more details emerge, we will keep you in the loop. 



If she makes a big deal, gets nasty or says anything other than "Of course, I will make sure that you have SS that weekend." - just go radio silent and do your best to make sure that the weekend is yours with your SS. 

Rags's picture

Don't tell her crap.  The less she knows, the less opportunity she has to ply her toxic manipulative bullshit.

Leilene's picture

She’s clearly trying to hold the reins and maintain any tiny fragment of control she possibly can as her ex officially begins a new love journey with another woman. Submit to her subtle attempt to assert dominance and this will be the beginning of a pattern where she inserts herself into your relationship under the guise of being helpful or being a good mom. When in reality, she’s prolly just bitter, bored, nosey, and trying to play puppeteer or sabotage the production of her ex’s new romantic union to soothe her negative feelings. 

Do not let her feel like she is an insider in your relationship. She is an ex who is in the picture by default for sharing her womb with your fiancé. Don’t let her think she’s anything more. 

Notup4it's picture

Don’t tell her... ever.  Our toxic/alienating GUBM knew we were getting married but didn’t know when.  We went back and forth a million times about if we should invite the kids even.... we ended up not (at the advice of other family) because we knew 100% the kids wouldn’t come anyways and we knew that instead she would show up or cause some sort of scene or do SOMETHING to wreck it. She did catch wind a couple days before because of my dad posting on Facebook! And then absolutely lost her mind and realiated 2 days after it.

GUBMs can really go off the deep end when their ex is getting married. 

MissDenise's picture

I would move on if someone didn't want to be with me. Our ex wacko was angry when we got married and had our son. She promply served DH papers for more child support, then grew angry when she got very little extra.  I thought it would stop, but she kept it up to the point the lawyer sent her a warning letter stating we wanted to have a realtionship with the child - NOT her. I remember she was calling our house from her work. Finally I left a message on her work phone I would have a talk with her boss if she didn't stop. Things got better after that, but not perfect.