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Wedding and all the parties - SDs openly hate me

runninglawmom's picture

My DH and I are three years married with an almost two year old. I have four daughters who respect him and treat him well, and he has two daughters who are hateful to both of us, although they kiss DH's ass when they want something. He has very little contact with either of them, and his family has disowned him for marrying me because SDs want "their family" back - mom, dad and them, and if that isn't to happen, DH should be alone, in their eyes.

SD 23 is getting married next month. Now, she got pregnant the first month after she started her first heterosexual relationship (previous to that she was a lesbian, living with a longer term partner, but that girl kicked her out and she was living in her car). DH's granddaughter is two - just months older than our son. SD and her guy live together, have a kid, have a house - but are insisting on having a HUGE wedding, with all the showers and parties and rehearsals etc.

DH contributed 5000$ from our joint account for this fiasco (just days after this same SD posted on Facebook that I am not family, and all his family liked it on the post). I said nothing - no point, the money is gone and it's his kid. I tried to be understanding, and all I could think was, this is his way to buy into the wedding, because I doubt she would have invited him if he hadn't paid. We got the invitation (addressed to him ONLY) a few weeks ago. He didn't seem to note that it was just to him but I sure did - fine by me, I really don't want to go anyway.

Then we got the rehearsal dinner invitation. That was to both of us, from the groom's parents, whom I am friends with. That made me think - DH isn't in the rehearsal, therefore, he isn't walking the bride down the aisle. I know he expects to, so this is going to be a blow to him. That is the ONLY reason I would attend the rehearsal/wedding bonanza, to support him. It is going to be very difficult.

In the meanwhile, both SDs are pressuring DH to "talk to mom" because "now she is sober." SD23 came over and said she wanted her dad to go with her to AlAnon "because they have a group for spouses of alcoholics dad." I am not an alcoholic, but her mom just got out of rehab. DH declined but didn't see it as a red flag that SD23 doesn't accept our marriage.

Then SD 23 demanded he come and talk to her alone about why he and mom got divorced, and walk her through their marital failure "step by step, so I can understand it." DH declined, again, and this time he was wise enough to see that it wasn't healthy.

Fast forward a bit - it is very clear that neither SD wants me at the wedding, nor in their lives. Thus far I have respected that since they made it clear, and stayed totally away. They come around when they want things and that is DH's to deal with. I smile, am polite, play with granddaughter, and usually try to go on with my life around them. But I don't want to attend this wedding. I don't want to see newly sober (maybe) BM (and the wedding is in a brewery which I think is in poor taste considering her VERY recent sobriety). I don't want to see DH's family, who have no respect for me and support SDs wishing I was not around. Opinions? Please?

Poodle's picture

I would say, tell your DH you don't want to go but would go for his sake if he needed you. If you go, agree strategies in advance for if anyone makes any personal attack/rebuff/attempt at dividing the pair of you publicly.
But if he agrees you need not go, get him to reply to the invite with acceptance on his part but sincere apologies on yours for as chance would have it you had already accepted an invite to attend the baby shower of your dearest old college friend, the best friend of your childhood, in some very distant location. If anyone tries to challenge the truth of that, the subject is always changed. That way no-one can ever interpret the refusal as a rebuff.
Why go where you are disliked and may be publicly disrespected, with all the games that go on about photographs, positioning at table and so forth? Weddings are emotional times and with dysfunctional families like theirs there may even be an outburst during a speech or whatever. Worse, someone may drink too much and behave badly for that reason.
Then go stay with a real dear friend and have a great time with your daughter.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

This subject has been discussed to death on the adults skids forum, so you may want to look there to find more ideas about it. I will tell you how we roll in my family. My skids have not expressed an interest in getting married yet, but they tried to invite DH without me to other events. Here is his response( some of you may have seen it before). It is addressed to OSD who is in her mid-twenties and who has also been with both men and women before, just like your SD.

"..... This whole attitude towards Pilgrim Soul is like something out of middle school. Mean girls stuff, according to what i have read. I am all the more appalled by it in the light of how supportive i have always been of your choices. I have supported your choices, both romantic and educational, wining and dining your boyfriends and girlfriends, bringing them along on trips and outings. Think about it: I have supported your education even if there is a negative cost to me. What do you think you owe me in return?

I will tell you right now. I chose Pilgrim Soul. Being married to an amazing, loving, worldly, supportive, funny woman is my choice. These days I consider myself a lucky man, and a strong man - everything i am today, from being much more successful at work than I have ever been, to enjoying the best family life I have ever had, is due to her being in my life. Until you are ready to pay me the same courtesy of respecting my choices that I have consistently shown you, we cannot have a relationship. You do not like Pilgrim Soul? That is fine. Then don't YOU marry her.

You don't need to love Pilgrim Soul, but you need to treat her with respect and civility.

I will not accept invitations of any kind which do not extend to my wife.

Disrespect of Pilgrim Soul is disrespect of me."

Case closed: he brought them into my life, and he is responsible for their behavior towards me. I am responsible for my kids' behavior towards DH. If skids try to be direspectful, it is his job to crack the whip. If he is not successful, and they persist, he will ignore them. He does not go to big events without his wife. I do not go without my husband.

People who believe you can invite one spouse to a wedding without the other are not ready to get married.

Orange County Ca's picture

Daddy won't be a part of the wedding party and his wife isn't invited.

I'm going with 'Pilgrim' who posted above me. Daddy shouldn't go. But he is isn't he! After all he's got five grand invested here right? So where does that leave you?

Frankly you should go. Hold your head high and pretend the daughters don't exist unless they speak directly to you with reasonable respect and if they're nasty in any way just ignore their remarks. You, after all, are above all of that. If his ex presents herself do the same although I suspect her being just out of rehab she'll be more subdued about it all. It's possible for you to pattern yourself after Princess Di or Jacqueline Kennedy if you want.

I think you can stand head and shoulders above these peons if you remember you've done nothing wrong, are loved enough to carry his child and can show support for him even when his own daughters act like fools.