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we weren't invited to SD's graduation

flmomma08's picture

.....now it's only an 8th grade graduation so it's not a HUGE deal, BUT I was not even told about it. SD is currently living with BM but up until about 8 months ago, she lived with us full time for 6 years! WE raised her, not BM.

There were no tickets given out, it was open to the public to that wasn't the issue. And get this - MIL and SIL freaking went and sat with BM (I don't really care that they sat together, just the fact that everyone was told about it besides us)!

I was LIVID when I saw those pictures on facebook (yes, that's how I found out about it SMH)! I commented that I wish I would have known about it because BD3 (SD's half sister) would have loved to see it, which is the truth. I also sent SD a message that she should have told us about it (I guess it really should have been BM but still... SD is 11 and we just saw her last weekend.. she could have mentioned it).

Dash 1

STaround's picture

Her mom may have told her not to tell you.  Please do not get in the middle.  Dad needs to be proactive and monitor school notices.  Many schools have a facebook page too, which can help him get input from other parents. 

flmomma08's picture

That's possible. Yes he does need to make more of an effort with things like that. We don't see anything that is sent home anymore since she no longer lives here, so the only way he would get the information I guess is online since we can't depend on BM to tell us anything.

I still think its BS they told everyone in the family besides her own father.

STaround's picture

(Which I think everyone should have), he can and should tell the school he should be on their distribution list.  I know you are hurting, and I feel bad, but at least this is a wake up call that he needs to get more involved with school. 

flmomma08's picture

It is definitely a wakeup call. They have a very old CO from when they first broke up and SD was 2 I believe. She's now 11 and they have went through many different custody arrangements since then, they just haven't went back to court to have anything modified. CO says 50/50 and when we had SD full time all those years, DH was always afraid to go back to court thinking BM would just take SD back her half of the time and he had what he wanted (SD full time) so he just didn't care what the paper said (I know .... I tried for years lol).

Now BM is back and SD wants to stay with her. They for whatever reason have all agreed to this but again, no one has went back to court to put this in writing. Not sure he even should at this point because he will probably end up having to pay CS which would be complete BS since we had SD 6 years full time with no CS.

Just a mess....

I'll have him call the school and make sure they have his info up to date. He's not really into social media or anything but I can always check it for him.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Keeping in communication with the school is just something all parents are supposed to do, so this is kind of on your H. Especially post divorce, it's up to him to make the effort to be an involved parent.

Ideally it would be great if he and BM could coparent, but that's obviously not happening in your step dynamic so it's up to him stay on top of such things. Please don't interfere by doing it for him. Additionally, it's up to him to confront his mom and sister. I agree, it was underhanded of them to attend the promotion without at least mentioning it to your H. Why do you think they did that?

flmomma08's picture

I don’t know why his mom and sister did it. That’s what bothers me more I guess. BM doesn’t surprise me at all but for his side of the family to be there and him not even know seems wrong. I know it’s his job to be connected with the school but still. It irks me. 

Sandybeaches's picture

We had a similar issue and we contacted the school and explained the situation.  It was noted on my step-children files that 2 notices went home for each child to 2 separate households.  One to BM's and one to ours.   It is common in divorce and your Husband should contact the school explain what happened and the extent of the relationships with BM as far as little contact and ask to be added to the file and ask for double mailings 

So sorry this happened and you missed something important ... 

flmomma08's picture

That’s actually a good idea, thank you. We don’t see anything that is sent home since she no longer lives here. She will be in a new school next year so I will definitely have DH do this. Thanks! 

Rags's picture

So, why would the blended family opposition have to tell the kids father and SM about graduation?  Why aren't daddy and SM fully connected with the school and participarory in the kid's education so that they do not have to be told anything about the kid;s education by the opposition?

flmomma08's picture

Oh I used to be very involved but ever since DH agreed to let SD stay with BM against my better judgment, I have nothing to do with that mess. I still would have went with him to the graduation had we knew about it, but nothing we can do now. 

notarelative's picture

If they had a 5th grade ceremony, that implies she'll be in a different school in the fall. At the start of classes BD needs to be sure his information is on the school contact list and available to all teachers. Even if it were on the list now, it might not get transferred to the new school. Many schools here require parents to redo their contact info each year as phone numbers and emails can change. 

In the fall check out the school website frequently. Schools vary in how good their website is. You may get lucky and her school updates frequently.

Don't fret about dd3 missing this. The room is usually hot and crowded. You are there for what seems like forever while you await the 30 seconds that your child is recognized. The experience is not designed for 3 year olds.

flmomma08's picture

Yes she will be in a different school in the fall. I’ll make sure our info is listed with them. Thanks! 

You're probably right about Bd. She always enjoyed going to SDs school events so I just thought she would like it. Oh well. 

tog redux's picture

We looked up SS's high school graduation time and place and went on our own - he was totally alienated, but we went anyway.

Don't expect a difficult BM to inform you of anything.

flmomma08's picture

I agree. I guess I find it more odd that his mom and sister went. They obviously knew we weren’t there, didn’t mention anything before or after, then posted pictures on Facebook. I just found it a little weird. 

ldvilen's picture

I actually agree with you.  There are issues that come up due to a divorce and then there are issues that are just plain rude that are disguised as being OK due to a divorce.

I think this is one of the later.  We all know that after a divorce the kids have two homes now, etc.  However, that still is no excuse to have a ‘there is yours’ and ‘there is mine’ and there is no longer any ours, so I’m going full-force with the take no prisoners attitude. 

It’s just rude.  Sure, you can ask for duplicate copies of everything, but schools are notorious (and I don’t blame them) at playing the ‘we only cooperate with one (primary) parent’ game.  You are right in that since you raised this child for years and she was living with you up to eight months ago, BM should have at least notified her ex-.

I know when my brother-in-law’s brother died, under rather odd and quick circumstances, there was a lot of confusion, and both his sister and the spouse of his brother who passed said they would keep him informed.  Next thing you know, he was never informed of and missed and wake and dang near missed the funeral!  They just blew him off and said, “You should have looked in the paper for the obit.,”  Sure, you could say my BIL had too high of expectations (something SMs are told all the time)—like somehow he should have just magically known not to take his own family’s word and he should have magically known to check the papers.  However, the reality is, these family members were just rude, period.

As a SM you have to learn to recognize rude behavior for what it is—rude behavior and you have to go with and do what works for you, because pretty much every time a SM does something, there will be someone there every time telling you it was wrong or trying to imply it was your fault somehow.  Usually, it isn’t.

flmomma08's picture

I feel like it was really rude as well. We didn’t even know there was a 5th grade graduation to even be looking for a time/date. It was just thrown in our faces after the fact. 

SMto2's picture

I don't know who I'd be madder at--probably MIL and SIL--was this your DH's sister? They obviously knew sometime in advance they were going. The fact that they didn't mention it to your DH smacks of the fact they were trying to hide it from you and your DH because they knew he wasn't welcome. We missed TONS of things when my SSs were growing up. BM ignored the CO which required her to advise DH of school events because she preferred for her new DH to go and pretend to be the SSs' dad. Back then, there was no FB or email to communicate with the school, and schools were not considerate or tolerant of divorced parents' need to know what was going on. I hope you can keep up with your SS's school work.

flmomma08's picture

Yup it was DHs Mom and his sister. That’s kind of more what I was pissed about because I first saw these pictures posted on his sisters facebook. DH was just with them all last weekend so now I feel like it was purposely being kept from him. I’m gojng to encourage him to be more involved with her school but I still feel like purposely hiding things is just wrong. And this is HIS family! Smh

Sanfranciscobaby's picture

I actually never inform the ex about any of DDs events. It’s up to him to have a relationship with her and show up to her stuff. I don’t want to be chasing after him to get him to go to his kids stuff. That’d be dumb. Maybe BM feels the same way? An 11 year old is old enough to have their own relationship with their bio parent.

flmomma08's picture

Yeah, I don’t expect much out of BM. I’m actually surprised SD is even still there. I thought she would stay for a month or so and then come crawling back but we’re on month 8 now. 

DH still has a relationship with her and all and we just saw her last weekend but her head is all messed up over the issues with BM so I dont fully blame her. 

Katylouu's picture

The only persons responsible in this situation are (in order) BM, BD and the daughter to a lesser extent.  The in-laws are sometimes just as much in the dark and shouldn't have to be responsible for information discemination, particularly when they are not responsible to know how the guest order is esablished. If the daugther is living with the BM, BM knew and should have made sure BD knew.  BD should talk to his daughter and stay abreast of things going on in her life.  The daughter should invite both her parents to her graduation, but again, she's 11 and who knows what an 11 year old is thinking..lol

I get that this is upsetting, but just talk to your husband to be more intuned with his daughter so you don't have to even rely on BM for anything since you already know she doesn't care.

People may have told you this already, but here is the realites of life.  Only a few exceptional kids appreciate step parents, mentors and people outside of their nuclear family.  In most cases, even abused kids want to go back home with mommy and daddy because there is an attachment there that exists sometimes beyond reason.  Love her at arms length.  What that means is, do all you can, when and if you can, being comfortable knowing you may get nothing except self gratification.  

Best of luck to you.

 

flmomma08's picture

Very true. We were just with SD last weekend and she didn’t say a word about it so I really don’t know what the deal was. 

It was just felt a little like a slap in the face because we had her full time with no help from BM for so many years and now it’s like we don’t exist unless she needs something. 

Cbarton12's picture

I kind of thing the onus is on your DH on this one. 

Nowadays, schools have graduation ceremonies for Kinder, 5th, and 8th. It's the parents' job to stay informed with school events. SD's school sends a monthly newsletter with events. SD's teacher also sent and posted fliers on a school app. 

There's a myriad of ways to get this information. 

We didn't "invite" BM to SD's Kinder graduation. Because the onus is on her to be informed. And she did show up. 

flmomma08's picture

I don’t disagree with you. It was just upsetting. My bio daughter is 3 so I have no idea about all these graduations yet. This must be a new thing. If I had known it was coming I would have checked the school calendar but I had no idea.

1wonder woman's picture

Hey I know exactly how you feel... My SO and his ex have been divorced for four years now and we live together. Well his ex wife and his 11 year old mentions nothing about his son graduating from college. His daughter tells us he decided to take a year off from school so we thought he dropped out had no idea he was graduating. His son disowned his father 6 months after the divorce he told his dad he had done nothing wrong but he could not handle all the drama that the divorce was bringing into his life. His mom is the drama but he kept her in his life. Well I came across the photos on Facebook of his son on his graduation day... he saw the photos and the one that hurt him the most was seeing his ex-wifes boyfriend standing beside his son. He was in tears...he was hurt as you can imagine. His 11 year old daughter said he did not have enough tickets ... the two tickets that were given to her boyfriend and to his daughters boyfriend could of been given to my SO to use.  I would of stayed home and let the boys grand mother go with my SO. I feel his son should of given his father a ticket he should of never deprived his father of that memory... that was mean! Plus I feel his 11 year old should of said something we just had her days before the graduation... she mentioned nothing!.  But their mother manipulates and controls her childrens minds they all are brainwashed by her sadly! His ex wife did this on purpose she hogs her kids all to herself! I feel this way you get no do overs on graduations... I just hope next time you guys are not left out! 

flmomma08's picture

Wow!! Parents should get first dibs on tickets! That was completely wrong. Its similar to what happened with us - yes we could have been checking school calendars and all, but we didn't even know there was a graduation to be checking for. Some people are just so petty!