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Ways to save a step-family marriage?

needinginwardpeace's picture

It seems there has been a lot of posters over the last while talking about divorce. They have either split already or are contemplating it. Both StepMoms & StepDads, ready to just throw in the towel and start a new life.

Wonder what can be done to make stepfamily marriages more secure?
We can vent all we want but what are the real solutions to our issues?

These questions likely have no concrete answers, sadly Sad

Are the odds really are stacked against us? I certainly don't want to be another statistic.

StickAFork's picture

An ounce of cure is worth a pound of prevention.

I'd bet a solid 50% of the posters you're talking about had indications about what life would hold for them in the future should they choose to continue the relationship...and ignored those signs because they were "in love."

She hated your kids, so you married her, and now you're fighting? Fool.
He was a guilty daddy but you were sure that would change once you were around full time? Fool.
On and on.

Marriages, first, second, or otherwise, stand a considerably better chance at succeeding if there's a rock solid committment and the spouses are true partners.

Statistically speaking, though, YES, the odds are stacked against us. If first marriages struggle without the kind of crap we have to deal with, it's only reasonable that second marriages would struggle more. Sad

needinginwardpeace's picture

It's true. I thought about how many people NOT in stepfamilies that have divorced in the last 7 years or so - I counted 12.

Willow2010's picture

The only way I ended up NOT divorced is because I would not marry or move in with my now DH for about 8 years.

I saw exactly how dysfunctional all of this step crap was. I wanted no part of DH and BM’s bad parenting. DH asked me to marry him less than a year after we met. I told him no and that we need to wait until skid was in college or moved out.

And it worked great for us. I know we would have divorced if I had actually been more a part of that mess.

unsure99's picture

I agree with marriage is hard, it don't matter if it is your 1st or 5th. I think marriage with stepkids still at home make it a little harder, well alot harder actually. I think in any marriage you have to have the basics as a base for your relationship. One is love is NOT enough. Not enough by a long shot!! I had a man tell me and FDH this weekend that him and his wife had been married like 40 something years and he said the secrect was commitment. I agree with him. You both have to be committed to putting each other first, and your marriage first. It's a job, just like your job you get up and go to every day. You have to work at it everyday, and if you don't you get fired (divorced). With marriages with kids already you don't have any alone time, couple time. It's very important to date your spouse. Make time for just them alone. Take a weekend away from home as often as you can.

Halo_Horns's picture

I think curlysue hit it..If our spouse was still making us sm's feel as important in their life now as they did when we were dating, we would have at the least a sense of hope for our relationships. But when you go from "you are the love of my life, I am so glad to have found you" to last in line to their kids and bm drama,it is hard to put 100% into a marriage. Especially when your spouse is only giving 25% because the rest is being divided between his kids first, then x drama, work drama, responsibilities, Then the leftovers go to the new wife.

godess-clueless's picture

I think places like step talk, pre marital counseling,and second mariage discussion groups would have at least opened my eyes to unforseen problems if I had been aware of such groups. Years ago there was not much in the way of information, Today there is so much multiple marriages and multiple baby daddy situations it is considered the norm. With these changes in society, the problems are more noticable,Seems now days everyone is dealing with step problems and venting more freely.

Breezey's picture

This is such a great article. I've saved it and hope to share with my spouse if/when the time is right. It is certainly the reason for the downfall of my marriage.

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

I think pre-marriage counseling should be mandatory for step families BEFORE they get married.

I had NO IDEA what being a step parent was like. It would also spare a lot of divorces of lot of guilty parenting or putting BM over the new wife because of quilt or manipulation.

TheBrightSide's picture

I think the key to being successful is for BOTH to understand and accept the roles in the relationship and their roles as parents and stepparents.

It seems to me (in my case anyway), that step parents are asked to contort their lives to fit around the already existing "family". To go along to get along. DH wants me to be part of the "family" but not to have any differing opinions (or to keep them to myself).

If DH had taken the time to understand that when you marry a second time and this new wife is not a biological mother to your children, you have to take special care to the spouse relationship because her priority isn't your kids, its you. And your priority might be your kids. So take special care ensure that she feels heard, needed, loved, included.

Natalia Ely's picture

The difference between a first wife family and a step family is that in the first, both parents often put the kids first. In this kind of first family, the kids can be spoiled, out of control, entitlted to whatever's available, selfish and so on. But very few children are NOT this way for at least a few years, no? Surely there must be some stepmoms with bios on this site who came to realize that their bios were not practicially perfect in every way compared to ther half brothers/sisters. Or even worse? Don't any of us who were have younger half sibs who are not finalists for the Pulitzer, or any other awards. I bet there are children of second families who grew up and went to prison without it being some older siblings fault. Gotta look at this big picture.