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Wanting to move in with Boyfriend but parenting plan states "No Overnight Guest"...is there a way around this?

Krissy09's picture

My Boyfriend and I have been dating a little over a year and half. His house finally sold and my lease is up at the end of September and are entertaining the idea of moving in together. He made mention of it to BM who responded with this:

"That is not going to happen...Neither party shall have any person spend the night (or be present between the hours of 11pm and 7am) at his or her home when the children are present unless that person is related by blood or marriage"

That is straight out of their parenting plan that is on file with the court. Without getting married is there any way we could still live together?

buterfly_2011's picture

He would be in contempt. Did he say why they made this rule? I would ask him to revamp that. You have been dating for a while there is no reason other then her control issues to have this in the parenting plan. Hell I don't know why he even told her. I feel for you. Sorry.

Not_what_I_wanted's picture

Get engaged, then. That should take care of that I would think. Otherwise, you have to go back to court to have it changed.

BUT, but positive you want to get into this with the skids and SO and the BM. This is NOT FUN, believe me. And you better love him a great deal to even stand a chance of making a relationship with him and the skids and BM work.

Had i known, I would opt for living separate until the skids were grown and gone.

stormabruin's picture

Getting engaged isn't going to change anything. It states unless they are married.

Sounds like the options are get married & then move in or have him file to see if he can get the parenting plan changed.

Willow2010's picture

No Overnight Guest"...is there a way around this?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Getmarried...or better yet...listen to Araqiel

Krissy09's picture

Great advice! He and I will look into this tonight. Yes, this exwife refused to sign the divorce papers without that clause being in there. They have been divorced for almost 2 years and she refuses to move on with her own life and tries to make my BF is miserable as she is.

RedWingsFan's picture

If you can, live separately until you get married (if that is what the intention is). Like others have said, be totally sure you're ready to take on the mom and and skids. It's NOT fun for the most part!

Just my 2 cents

Krissy09's picture

They are 3 and 5. They are fun kids and they love me. When I leave at 11p one the weekends they beg me to stay and most the time I have to leave early just so they will go to bed.

Disneyfan's picture

Most 3 and 5 year olds are in bed long before 11.

It's cute and fun now that they are up that late with you and BF and hate for you to leave. That will all change when/if you move in.

You're going to want them in bed much earlier. When you try to change the rules, they will start to hate you. At that point, you will move from daddy's fun friend to THAT WOMAN who is forcing daddy to change the rules.

Disneyfan's picture

Most 3 and 5 year olds are in bed long before 11.

It's cute and fun now that they are up that late with you and BF and hate for you to leave. That will all change when/if you move in.

You're going to want them in bed much earlier. When you try to change the rules, they will start to hate you. At that point, you will move from daddy's fun friend to THAT WOMAN who is forcing daddy to change the rules.

Willow2010's picture

I am sure this is not the popular point of view, but I do think you need to be married before living together. ESPECIALLY if kids/skids are involved. (Not judging those of you that do or did)

It is just my belief.

StickAFork's picture

Well, get married or file a modification.
Any reason you DON'T want to get married after all this time?

Personally, I'd suggest keeping separate residences until you are POSITIVE this is the relationship for you.

Disneyfan's picture

He knew this clause was in place before he asked you to move in with him. Why blame BM for pointing it out?

He sounds like the crazy BM I have to deal with. She knows damn well what is written in the CO. Every few months she springs something on DF that goes against the CO. When DF tell her no and tells her to check page X line Y of the CO, she plays the victim card.

StickAFork's picture

^^Really good point. I passed over that.
Dang, what's the rush? These are LITTLE kids and need a chance to adjust.

BSgoinon's picture

Then there is the flip side to that advice...

How many times have we heard stories here about the skids getting so used to being the "only one in daddy's life" that when new SMom moves in they make life a living hell. It is a tough balance, and who is to say when a the right time, or right age... ??

I don't see anything wrong with remarrying 2 years after divorce.

RedWingsFan's picture

That's what happened with my SD14...she and daddy set up home for a year after he moved out of mom's house and she thought she was his mini-wife. I came along a year later, and whoa, all Hell broke loose because daddy's little girl never learned how to share!

If they're only 3 and 5, I'd think they'd have an EASIER time adjusting to a new stepmom than if they're older and have had daddy all to themselves for years and year...just sayin

BSgoinon's picture

I suppose.

I think about my situation. My kids were 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 when DH and I started dating. They were 2 and 3 when we movedin together. They adjusted perfectly. All in less than a year my ex and I split up, I started dating DH and then he moved in. That was 8 years ago. And my kids (all 3 of them) are very well adjusted because this is all they know.

Did I move on too fast? Maybe... who knows. I had been emotionally checked out of my previous marriage from the time I got pregnant with my youngest so I guess it didn't seem too fast to me.

It's hard to judge something that you are not directly involved in. Every situation is different.

Krissy09's picture

I think this may be the best post on here.

"It's hard to judge something that you are not directly involved in. Every situation is different."

tiredandfrustrated's picture

Kinda the same thing for me. I got remarried about 2 years after me and the ex split. My first marriage was actually over before it ever "ended". DH and I have known each other forever and were very careful with how we handled the kids in this situation. My kids are still having a few problems, but I think most of it is that FDH is in and out of their lives at random. As far as OUR home life, they've adjusted quite well to DH. He's a wonderful stepdad. The kids have developed a great bond with him. And they seem happy to have a male role model at home who loves them. I may have moved a little fast too...who knows? What I do know is we have a stable home life for ourselves and the kids (minus what the exes try to pull). And DH and I love each other very much. We've hit a few bumps in the past, but we fixed them and moved on. We've been together 3 years now. I think how fast you do anything just depends on the relationship and the situation you're in.

talia11's picture

DH and I were engaged 4 weeks after we met, living together not long after that and married 9 months later (6 years this month). This all happened 4 months after BM kicked him out. In hindsight I would have waited a lot longer before doing any of that because it certainly contributed to my stepsons poor image of me (as the 'intruder') despite BM leaving DH for another man with no warning.
I would wait as long as I can if I had to do it again.

just tired's picture

I've had two friends who got involved with men who had the same clause. Both my friends got married so that they could go ahead and move in together with their respective beloveds.

Both of my friends ended up miserable, totally unprepared for the nightmare that is called step-parenthood.

Both of my friends are now divorced.

Just sayin'.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

If you aren't sure that you want to get married, don't move in with a man with children.

This is probably not what you want to hear, but you don't date a single parent. You either commit or you don't. After a year and a half, if you're not sure, there's a reason.

Orange County Ca's picture

:? Has anyone told you to not get involved with a man who has children yet?

Seriously - don't. A million men out there without all this baggage go find one.

tiredandfrustrated's picture

I don't think it applies after marriage. FDH's fiance wouldn't have been allowed to stay with him if I had thrown a fit-our papers included the same condition. I didn't really have a problem with it because she is good with my kids, they saw very little of her, they were planning their wedding and she was pregnant at the time with his child. But my lawyer told me that once they were married, the only way I could keep her from staying under the same roof as my kids is if I proved her to be unfit. It's most likely the same thing for her husband and the BM.

limesup's picture

The man I am engaged to has this clause in his divorce papers. We do live together, so his kids spend the night at his mom's house EOW. That is just fine with me. We cannot get married (policy at work), and it I hope that he doesn't decide to go back to court to have anything changed! At least I have some peace at night. I really only have issues with one of his 3, but kids can make a mess of a home.

Do I regret getting involved with him? NO but one of his kids and his ex HELL YES if I could do it over there would be no way. Think long and hard before you move into a home and possibly put money together, have bills, kids, and his ex to deal with. I sure wish I had. Even if I had my own house, I would not want his ex and his oldest to know where in the heck it was!

Other than that being part of the parenting plan it is none of her business what goes on if those kids are well taken care of IMO

Frustr8d1's picture

Don't move in.

Don't marry a man with kids.

This issue with the CO and BM pointing it out for whatever reason--this is only a small issue compared to the ever-increasing drama to come! This "little" issue of whether you are "allowed" to move in with your BF is only the first of MANY crappy reminders that HIS and HER little kids come first before YOUR feelings and your relationship.

Talk about your freedoms to do what you want with BF being taken away... Sad

love him_loath his kid's picture

I think everyone should have to live with their significant other before marriage, things aren't so pretty when you actually have to be around someone all the time. That might decrease the number of divorces, he he he!

That being said while I do think that children need time to adjust I think its much easier for younger children than older children (especially if they like you and visa versa). As mentioned above I doubt there is one "best solution" for everyone so I think you should do what you think is best for yourself.

I have never heard of such a clause before your post and find it's leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I believe (only my opinion) that if two people get divorced and have children they must understand that what happens in the other household is not any of their busines as long as the children are taken care of appropriately. I think its ridiculous to tell adults that they must have a curfew with guests. I feel that anyone who suggests such a stipulation is pathetic and trying to exercise control over another person's life that they are no longer attached too. Again as long as the kids are being taken care of I believe adults should be free to make their decisions without court papers. Personally I believe that parents have a right to know who is living with their children (part of the time) as a courtesy but not as a hard rule.

Good luck with your situation and I hope that if he is the one for you that this will all work out and you guys can all be happy!

talia11's picture

agreed. It is a bit petty really and I would challenge anyone to argue that the motivation is purely about the well-being of the children, and not about controlling the ex.