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Visiting with SD without husband

Shoshanna's picture

Hi folks! New here and am so glad this forum is here. I have a billion issues with my SD and her psycho BM, but those will have to wait......

my current issue is this: my husband works out of town 1 week on, then 1 week home. Hubby, BM, (funny how Birth Mother and Bowel Movement have the same abbreviation!), and darling SD have been to mediation lately regarding just about everything. Anyway, it has been decided that SD will some visit every Wed for an overnight, and that either I, or my husband will drive her to school Thursdays. (She lives and goes to school about 30 kms away btw). BM originally committed to driving her here on Wednesdays but has decided she no longer wants to do that and has informed us that we need to find other arrangements to get darling SD here. My DH volunteered me to do both when he is out of town. wtf. I have 2 toddlers, am a stay at home mom. It's not like I couldn't manage it, but why the F*** should I? His child is an ungrateful brat because of the way she is being raised. I am losing my mind. I put my foot down about picking her up as well, and I was vilified by my husband like I am unreasonable. I did not give in out of principle and now I don't have to pick her up as well. Sounds like a stupid issue I know, but it was pretty much the straw that broke the camels back for me. I feel like I am being taken advantage of and being forced to do things because my husband feels guilty!!!1 help!!!!!!! SD's issues and BM's issues are just too many to mention. For example, there is some Personality disorder, Munchausen sytndrome, outright self-centredness, selfishness, greed, and just plain C U Next Tuesday-ness!!!!!!! In the beginning of my relationship with DH, I tried really hard to like the EX...but she is totally unlikable.

Shoshanna's picture

BTW, my question is how much responsibility do I have as the Step-mom to accommodate the BM and my not-so-darling stepchild? My husband delegates quite a bit to me in terms of his daughter because he is so unable to understand her on an emotional level. She is the moodiest and laziest kid I have ever met. Almost 16 and can barely figure out how to brush her teeth and hair in the morning. SIGH!!!!!!

BSgoinon's picture

If you don't WANT to do it, you should not be forced to. My husband travels a lot for work as well, and I CHOOSE to keep SS when he is gone. But that is completely MY CHOICE and what DH wants. Every family is different, you have to do what is right for your household. Sounds like you already have your hands full...

oldone's picture

You don't have to do shit to accomodate BM.

And I don't understand why you have to do anything except perhaps feed a child that is almost 16. Are you supposed to brush her hair and help her get a bath? Smile Smile Smile

Frustr8d1's picture

This is not a stupid issue. I have a 2 yr old plus SD10 full time and I get hives just thinking about having to take BD2 out to chaufeur SD around. My SD has the exact same issues as yours: "Personality disorder, Munchausen sytndrome, outright self-centredness, selfishness, greed..."

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

Short answer: You have NO responsibility to your SD. If you WANT to accommodate requests (by your DH) to take on responsibilities on a case by case basis, that's up to you. I'll never forget my SD looking at me, right in the eye, and telling me that because I am a SAHM, it is my JOB to take her to and from school (and every other activity she engaged in). 'Uh, no. At 17, you are more than capable of taking the bus, I am not your chauffeur. And guess what else, princess? You have now made it so I don't want to do anything for you, and you can thank your own damn attitude for that one.' I HAD been doing all of the driving for her up to that point, but when I am TOLD I HAVE to do it, I am no longer WILLING to.

I am also dealing with a SD and BM that have psychological disorders (BM is Dx NPD/BPD, and SD is BPD/HPD suspect (not yet 18, so no official diagnosis), has an eating disorder and self-mutilates).

When it all boils down to it, however, I would do anything my DH asked of me regarding SD, mostly because he so rarely does. He's amazing, and has never tried to make me feel guilty or obligated to SD in any way. The only thing I would NOT do is allow SD to move back into our home, but that's a non-issue, because he doesn't ever want her living here again either.

Glad you found the's a great feeling to have a place where others understand what you are going through, and can offer support when the going gets tough. Good luck, keep us posted!

Btw, if I can offer any piece of advice from the sixteen years in my step-hell, it's for you to go no-contact with BM if she's at all abusive towards you. There may be things you need to do to as far as your SD is concerned (like food in the fridge, a place for her to sleep when she's at your place), but you don't have to deal with the BM AT ALL if it causes you stress or grief. That part is really, truly, NOT your job.

Shoshanna's picture

ha ha I relate completely. People treat you like you should have all the shitty responsibilities ofcustodial care of the stepchild/ren, but absolutely NO opinions and NO rights! ha!

Shoshanna's picture

I know. It's crazy how unable I am to set boundaries with both the BM, but especially my husband. When I married him I knew he had a child, but I did NOT know her mother raised her so badly, and my husband has tried to intervene but nothing ever changes. I have a sinking feeling that the Wednesday night visits are really only benefitting the psycho BM. Both BM and SD are moody, chronic depressives, and recentky SD has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I have my doubts about this though, as BM thinks that drs and pills are the answer to her shit parenting. but seriouslt though, when I try to set boundaries like this, I get treated like I am a monster. blah blah blah. I needed a sounding board because for obvious reasons my husband is biased. . . and my friends and family are biased in my favor. I don't have a problem with thevisits themselves, it's the assumptions that I will jump to theirwill when DH, or BM demand it. Arrgghh!