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Viewing the behaviour from a non-personal distance makes ALL the difference

Disillusioned's picture

So Sunday there was the annual birthday lunch held for dh's daughter along with me (as our birthdays are just days apart)

DH and I arrive and are no sooner out of the car still in the driveway when his sister comes out to her car to get something

The usual negative/angry expression on her face. One that conveys to the world "I'm just so unhappy, this is all just so terrible" etc.. look

I expect of course no acknowledgment from her as this has been the norm with her over the years, she does muster up a hello to me this time. I immediately politely ask her how she is, she says she's fine and asks about me, I happily tell her that I'm great. I'm sure that was difficult for her so I give her credit for at least trying there

She goes in to the kitchen where she makes sure to spend all her time with DH's daughter, no time talking to me other than the hello earlier or trying to engage me in any way. I used to fall over backwards trying to get close to her and was always so shocked, hurt and confused when she openly excluded, humiliated, and just made me feel so so so unwelcome, so not a part of HER not worthy of her family

But I have come a long way from those days. She does not want a relationship with me. I'm sure it took all she could muster just to say hello to me on Sunday...and you know what, I get it. I have been in her shoes, recently too, and know what it's like to just not like someone who you feel stole your relationship with a loved one, even though you know deep down it's your family member you should be angry at, if you have any right at all to be angry at anything - people love who they love, she may be DH's sister and may have been there first and may have had a close relationship at one point in her life with hime but just because of all that and that she is blood, does not mean she has to be # 1 in DH's heart. but still I know first hand it can be a hard pill to swallow

DH's sister also lashes out at him at every opportunity...unless he is doting on her then she is just fine, happy, funny and charming. But, she will do things like on Sunday make a big fuss over a toy SGS had and how cool, until DH asked where it came from then she made sure to say it was from BM's mom - DH's ex MIL who he despised. DH's sister makes a point of insuring DH knows that she sees BM and her mother regularly - while never making a point to see us other than family events. A huge betrayal to DH, when this is in my opinion done for no other reason than to prove something to DH, and me of course

And when DH is joking around with SGS, DH's sister will start telling DH off not to say this and not to say that - DH's daughter will join in and gang up on him - making him feel stupid and bad for simply enjoying his grandson. Sure he shouldn't take the poking and sayings too far as the kid will do this at school, but ganging up and telling DH off as if he doesn't know what he's doing with SGS, is just their way to getting back at DH....DH's sister's way of reminding DH & I of her "power" even telling him what he can and can not say to his own grandson!

It must also be hard for DH's sister that SGS prefers to be around me, and DH, more than her. SGS will run around after me wanting me to play, his newest wanting to tell me "secrets" LOL, wants to sit beside me and can't leave my hair alone, my jewelry, and he doesn't really go near DH's sister

Must suck that for someone who feels strongly she must come first as she is blood and I'm nothing really at all, that her great-nephew apparently just adores me and will take being with me hands down over her

I realize this is all out of DH's sister and daughter's jealousy and anger and really do understand, I would not actively participate in encouraging that behaviour from them, but I sure do stand back now and just let it all roll off my back and nothing much really seems to get to me anymore!

Disillusioned's picture

Your last line is too funny skeeter Smile and yes I hear what you are to avoid contact with people who only have your worst interests at heart Sad

I have disengaged in that I no longer seek any sort of relationship with either DH's sister or his daughter. I do attend family get togethers for the sake of my FIL who is wonderful to me, and I like my SSIl, and absolutely adore my SGS

I know DH will disappoint me in showing support (not enough that is) over and over again where his sister and daughter are concerned, and I know why, but I guess because I've reached a point that they simply no longer get to me it is no longer a hill I will die on

I view where it's coming from - two jealous, resentful, people and actually feel bad that they are so miserable. I'm so grateful that I'm more positive, have more to feel happy for in life, and just don't let them get to me anymore

But it took years and years of like you now, disengagement from them. My disengagement now is not based on anger or anything other than exactly like you, a need to protect myself from harmful people and definitely a need to show that I do not condone their meanness

Funnily enough, I think when they see it really and truly has no negative effect on me and I am just as happy as I can be including having nothing to do with them, DH's daughter anyway seems to want to make an effort. His sister on the other hand is consistently the way she is...and again, I'm not angry any longer just feel sorry for her