Viewing the behaviour from a non-personal distance makes ALL the difference
So Sunday there was the annual birthday lunch held for dh's daughter along with me (as our birthdays are just days apart)
DH and I arrive and are no sooner out of the car still in the driveway when his sister comes out to her car to get something
The usual negative/angry expression on her face. One that conveys to the world "I'm just so unhappy, this is all just so terrible" etc.. look
I expect of course no acknowledgment from her as this has been the norm with her over the years, she does muster up a hello to me this time. I immediately politely ask her how she is, she says she's fine and asks about me, I happily tell her that I'm great. I'm sure that was difficult for her so I give her credit for at least trying there
She goes in to the kitchen where she makes sure to spend all her time with DH's daughter, no time talking to me other than the hello earlier or trying to engage me in any way. I used to fall over backwards trying to get close to her and was always so shocked, hurt and confused when she openly excluded, humiliated, and just made me feel so so so unwelcome, so not a part of HER family...so not worthy of her family
But I have come a long way from those days. She does not want a relationship with me. I'm sure it took all she could muster just to say hello to me on Sunday...and you know what, I get it. I have been in her shoes, recently too, and know what it's like to just not like someone who you feel stole your relationship with a loved one, even though you know deep down it's your family member you should be angry at, if you have any right at all to be angry at anything - people love who they love, she may be DH's sister and may have been there first and may have had a close relationship at one point in her life with hime but just because of all that and that she is blood, does not mean she has to be # 1 in DH's heart. but still I know first hand it can be a hard pill to swallow
DH's sister also lashes out at him at every opportunity...unless he is doting on her then she is just fine, happy, funny and charming. But, she will do things like on Sunday make a big fuss over a toy SGS had and how cool, until DH asked where it came from then she made sure to say it was from BM's mom - DH's ex MIL who he despised. DH's sister makes a point of insuring DH knows that she sees BM and her mother regularly - while never making a point to see us other than family events. A huge betrayal to DH, when this is in my opinion done for no other reason than to prove something to DH, and me of course
And when DH is joking around with SGS, DH's sister will start telling DH off not to say this and not to say that - DH's daughter will join in and gang up on him - making him feel stupid and bad for simply enjoying his grandson. Sure he shouldn't take the poking and sayings too far as the kid will do this at school, but ganging up and telling DH off as if he doesn't know what he's doing with SGS, is just their way to getting back at DH....DH's sister's way of reminding DH & I of her "power" even telling him what he can and can not say to his own grandson!
It must also be hard for DH's sister that SGS prefers to be around me, and DH, more than her. SGS will run around after me wanting me to play, his newest wanting to tell me "secrets" LOL, wants to sit beside me and can't leave my hair alone, my jewelry, and he doesn't really go near DH's sister
Must suck that for someone who feels strongly she must come first as she is blood and I'm nothing really at all, that her great-nephew apparently just adores me and will take being with me hands down over her
I realize this is all out of DH's sister and daughter's jealousy and anger and really do understand, I would not actively participate in encouraging that behaviour from them, but I sure do stand back now and just let it all roll off my back and nothing much really seems to get to me anymore!