Very upset BM....
My neighbor's husband left her about 7 months ago. She and her dh have 2 kids together and she has 1 from another marriage.
She has been VERY upset about him leaving and she is involving the two kids in the whole mess (they are both under 9 years old).
She is telling the kids that their dad is a huge jerk for leaving, hes a loser and an alcoholic, that the gal hes dating now is evil because shes dating a married man... that their dad doesn't care about them anymore.... etc.
She is zoning in on the gal he is dating and sending her nasty messages, calling her, just acting downright crazy.
I understand how hurt she feels... she wants her dh to come home and she spends a lot of time begging him to come back.
He has been VERY firm with her and has told her numerous times that he is NOT going to come back... that he was not happy and that she needs to move on.
But she refuses to move on and blames all of this on the gal her soon to be ex is dating. She actually asked me the other night what she has to do to drive this woman insane... she wants to harass this lady enough that she just leaves.
I feel badly for her... but the way she is acting is not cool.
He has told her that he does not want to be with her, but that does not mean that he does not want to be with the kids....
Unfortunately, she is using the kids as leverage... she also has the kids call him when he refuses to answer to answer her calls.... if he doesn't pick up when the kids call then she tells them 'see, your dad doesn't care about you.'
My question is this: My dh has already sat her down and told her that she needs to stop what she is doing... to no avail.
We have her kids this week while she is out of town and I want to sit them down and 'set them straight' so to speak. I really want to tell them that their dad loves them and that their mom is just really upset right now... I want to assure them that their dad does not want to be with their mom anymore, but that does not mean he does not want to be with them anymore... I want to fix this somehow, or at least help these kids through this...
We keep them most of the time because their mom is depressed and sleeps most of the day away.... we feed her kids because shes too depressed to get up and cook for them... her son hasen't turned in one homework assignment since the beginning of the school year... its just a mess.
Would I be wrong to talk to her kids?
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you!!
I'm glad your back... I totally know how that goes...
Yeah, I kind of thought that I'd be told to mind my own business... I just feel so badly for those kids and I don't want them to think that either one of their parents doesn't love them... Its just so sad.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda
Get Mom's approval
If these kids are spending so much time with you, they probably have a sense of trust with you. Kids don't usually initiate topics of this magnitude, mostly because they are confused and don't know how to articulate that confusion. AND most kids blame themselves when parents split up anyway, so bringing it up on one's own would be a huge leap for an adult feeling guilty, much less a child.
I think it would be okay, with the mom's permission, to open up the topic and give these poor kids a forum to talk about their feelings. This might give them an opportunity to hear some words of reason from someone they know cares for them. Otherwise, how are they going to get some sense of balance about this?
That's what I think I would do, so long as the mom would approve.