Venting session
So this a difficult situation I'm in. I am dating a man (so not legally a step parent)who has a 4 year old daughter. Without going into detail the bio mom is not in the picture at least for the time being. This is the first time in my life I have ever had to care for a child and it has proven to be a difficult change for me. My patience is low and made worse by depression and anxiety. Right now we're having to stay with my boyfriend's mother and step father. They are mostly very kind and generous people. Having to adjust to constant demands, tantrums, arguments and struggles is very new to me and again made worse by my anxiety, sometimes I verbally express my frustration by saying "agh that's frustrating" or something like that. Today I said that and the step grand father says "Well don't have kids". It was like a slap to the face. As if because I'm frustrated I shouldn't be a parent. I'm trying so hard and to hear something like that but never hearing any reassurance that I'm doing ok is heart breaking. I bathe her and feed her everyday. She goes out to do something fun at least a few times a week. I don't have my own vehicle right now and my boyfriend works all day so what more can I do? I can't pretend like it doesn't get to me sometimes. I'm feeling very unappreciated and misunderstood. I don't expect constant praise just some reassurance.
So much of what you've
So much of what you've written doesn't belong in the same pot together.
"Dating" and boyfriend have no place with living with a four year old child with boyfriend's parents and taking care of a toddler all day.
frustrating? You bet it is. So why? Why put yourself through this day after day? Do you work outside the home at all? Have you gotten your higher education so that when the day comes you decide you are ready for a child of your own, you can work and support a child and provide a good home.
You don't mention your age, but I'm guessing you're way too young to be living the life you are. There are so many things to see and do before settling down and raising children. So many men out there who don't live with Mom and SF nor have a four year old. Bathing and feeding the child and taking her to have fun a few times a week is all fine and dandy, but even that is something a babysitter who is hired and paid can do. Is the little one in pre-school yet? She should be, it would be good for her to get with other children.
I am sure you are trying hard to see to the needs of this young child. But you're right, it's challenging and stressful. It's going to be even harder if you have anxiety issues...but I would think raising someone else's young child for your boyfriend and living in a house that isn't your own home, not having a vehicle and being expected to play mother and wife when in reality you are neither , well, I'd be full of frustration and anxiety too.
Take care of yourself first. If you don't , no one is going to do it.
Welcome to StepTalk. Yep, it's a place to vent. It's also a place to be able to read the stories of other members. Please take some time to read around. You will find all kinds of different blogs and forum postings full of young ladies who tried too hard too fast and ended up burning themselves out with real resentment building. Learn from other's mistakes and know you are not alone.
The stepfather may be just as
The stepfather may be just as frustrated as you are.
The man had his grown stepson, his kid AND his girlfriend living in his home.
That man isn't interested in giving thumbs ups and warm fuzzies. If anything, the poor guy is just trying to figure out how to get all of you out of his house.
i agree with this
i agree with this totally.
your boyfriend is living with his father and the grandchild. as an adult and a father of a young child, your boyfriend needs to be living on his own. as for bm, where is she in all this? if boyfriend has sole custody he can sue her for child support.
an adult deserves his peace and quiet and not have it ruined by moving in of an adult child and grandchild.
the whole lesson here is that you are not the unpaid nanny.
have the boyfriend take care of his own child.
if you must, move out and find your own place.
you are party to this arrangement so you can step back and hand the child over to the father. i suspect your short temper comes from your resentment at being thrust in the nanny position.
Hon, listen carefully, I'm
Hon, listen carefully, I'm going to sound like your mother.....
1. Get a job, it's time for you to be able to support yourself,
2. This 4 year old is not your responsibility, she has a father it's his responsibility
3. Move out of the In-law home, you are not married only dating, these people owe you nothing
4. The SF is right.. do not have children, you are way to young, make something of your life before falling pregnant, belief me, once you are pregnant the parent gene will kick in..
5. You are way to young to be involved with a man, who dumps his kid on you, Call it the end and move on, make your own life and be happy, once you reach 40 there will be enough time to be some one's SM if you choose, but not currently, there's a whole world for you to find out there, join the peace corps if you can't find a job, the pay is not to bad and well you get to travel.
YES!!! That's exactly what I
YES!!! That's exactly what I would tell my daughter if she got in a situation like this.
First, even if you were
First, even if you were married, you would not "legally" be a stepmother as the title confers no legal rights, and more importantly, no legal responsibilities either.
Second, just because you are frustrated dealing with a child who is not yours does not mean that you won't make a good parent someday. When the child belongs to you, your feelings will be completely different.
Third, get a job, get a car, get some independence. What would SO do with his child if you weren't around? That is what he should be doing now. She is not your responsibility.
How old are you? Where were
How old are you?
Where were you living before you moved in on BF's mother and step father?
Why do you not have a job or a car?
It is not reassurance that you need, it's self respect, and you will not get any just being the live in babysitter.
You need to get yourself out of this situation and create your own life. You will feel much better. It won't be easy but it will make a world of difference.
You are getting the short end
You are getting the short end of the stick in this relationship. Stop babysitting and find yourself a job. Once you have a job you can make moves to move out and buy a car. In this day and age no woman should not be employed. It is about empowering yourself. As the rest of ST has told you the four year old is not your responsibility.
next time say "I didn't, I'm
next time say "I didn't, I'm still stuck with it!"
And his response to that
And his response to that should be "You are not stuck. Please pack your stuff and move out ASAP.
It's not smart to be snide and snarky with someone who is providing you with a place to live.
Well.. in a way, what he said
Well.. in a way, what he said is true. Kids ARE annoying... even a bio child will pluck every last nerve of their parents. So, if you don't deal with those kinds of stressors, you may not really be cut out to be a parent. Not saying this in a mean way, but some people just aren't.
Here is the other side of the coin though. You sound very young and it is quite likely with age, you will become more able to handle unexpected and frustrating situations. It does sound like you aren't cut out to be doing this NOW.
You have so many strikes going on with your current situation.
1. You aren't working.. which leads to the "no car" thing.. but also is a result of it.
2. You are living with your boyfriend's parents. This is really unacceptable of him to do to them and you shouldn't impose. If he can't support himself, he has NO business inviting another adult into the home.
3. You are being forced into caring for the child. Well, on the one hand, this is in a sense "paying your keep".. but it isn't a good fit for you.
Like a few other people have suggested, you need to probably take a step back from things and focus on fixing your life so that you can be a better partner.
1. Get a job. Not sure if you live in a rural or urban area.. or what you did to support yourself before you moved in with the BF.. but you should go back to a place where your parents can help you become self sufficient (yeah.. I know.. back home, but they are more responsible for you than your BF's parents should be).
2. Move back with your parents..or move closer to where you can walk or take public transportation to work if getting a car isn't possible right now.
3. Think about getting yourself better training/education so that you aren't destined to live in some other person's basement your entire life.
4. I would personally dump your BF. You aren't ready for a relationship with a guy with a kid. You aren't even able to take care of yourself yet. I don't mean that in a mean way.. but in a "you are still young and have lots to learn" way.
Great advice!!!
Great advice!!!
I second that! Great post
I second that! Great post Esmod.
Oh Anxious! Take the advice
Oh Anxious! Take the advice of these wise ladies to heart. Learn to rely on yourself first & gain independence.. Your current situation isn't a good one for anyone, and the stress you are feeling is your very soul telling you so. You are worth more than the life you are currently living.
It can be frightening to give up what little we think we have. But if you don't want this to be your life, there's no time like the present to move on. You don't owe your boyfriend or his daughter anything. But you do owe yourself a happy life.
agree with all of the
agree with all of the above.
gain employment
move out
find a nice child free man
It's really ok that the kid
It's really ok that the kid frustrates you or that you really don't want to be instant mommy, not everyone has the mothering bone. My daughter is 22 and never wants kids, she's very happy with her dogs and cats. My sister is 56 and never had kids, said she never had the desire. Sis is beautiful, looks nowhere near her age and her and hubby have A LOT of disposable income...oh and no skids in the pic either.
Why are you sacrificing your youth for this guy and his kid he dumped on you?!