You are here

Venting honestly is there something Wong with this picture!

Fedupwithlife's picture

Don’t know where to begin but will start with the latest issue. SS13 is Awful about getting his HW done. Lies, refuse to do it ect. DH is a “Disney dad” who can’t see what a brat SS is. So here is the new incident....

Friday I went on the school webpage and copied all of SS’s late/current HW assignments and gave it to DH since we had SS this weekend. SS has 8 assignments.  Saturday I had to work so was not home till evening. I asked how the HW went and DH said SS TOLD HIM he did some at school already or he did not have the Materials to complete the work. So basically out of the 8 assignments SS got ONE done. SS LIES out his ass and I told DH if SS said he completed something to tell SS he was going to email the teacher to find out if it was true. DH did NOT tell SS this. I also told him Friday if SS said he did not have the HW to go in his school bag to make sure he was not lying. Again DH did not do this on Saturday. So Sunday morning when SS was still sleeping I went thru his school bag and guess what??? I found Uncompleted HW SS told DH he did not have or had already done. DH then got all pissed off with me saying why did I wait till Sunday morning to show him this. Big WTF! I told him I gave him a list of the HW due over the weekend FRIDAY. It’s not my fault he did not think to check SS bag to make sure he was not lying. So now because SS was lying and DID NOT complete his HW the plans we had for today got canceled so DH can hold SS hand dong his HW or he won’t do it. To make matters even worse when DH Confronted SS this morning about the HW he told DH was done but lied about SS flipped a nut that DH went through his school bag! 

Now one WOULD think DH would Punish SS not only for lying about not doing the HW BUT for talking so rudely to DH about his school bag?? Right? Nope! DH tried to Calmly reason with SS why he had the check his school bag but SS was not having it. DH had to drop it and kiss SS’s ass to get him to do the HW. DH is all friendly with SS but pissed off at me. I’m the one who should be pissed as the event I wanted to go to today DH backed out off last minute because of SS. Yes I could have gone by myself BUT it would not be as much fun alone and last minute I could not find anyone else to go with me. Opinions? Am I wrong to think DH is being a ass

Harry's picture

You have a DH problem not a SS problem.  DH is not parenting his DS. Unfortunately this may never change.

MissJulsie's picture

Can you bail DH up, and confront him for being pissed off at you? Yes he is being a total dick. He's taking out the frustration of the situation on you, because you're the only punching bag around. SS is doing a brilliant job deflecting all consequences and criticism. 

What plans got cancelled? Why do you even care about SS's homework? 

Cover1W's picture

Been there done that. Once I was labeled the bad guy I stopped cold turkey. I do not get involved with school records, emails, homework, anything. That's up to the parents.

tog redux's picture

It's his son, if he doesn't care that the homework isn't done, nothing you do will make a difference.  You will just be mean stepmom because you are enforcing rules that DH doesn't enforce. My SS20 was just like this, and while DH did care about homework, BM did not, and now SS is in full failure to launch mode, but at BM's house. Barely passed high school, dropped out of community college after a year and is doing nothing with his life.

The good news is - you are off the hook! Not your circus, not your monkey.  Enjoy your free weekends and let DH manage his kid.

 

Steptotheright's picture

Yeah given what you have said, you should disengage from educating the child. It's not your job to make sure that child does homework, and everyone will resent you for making it your job. I think it's good that you've invested yourself that much, but it's only going to be met with pain and rebellion.

If the child isn't engaged in doing the work, you can't stand over him all the time. If he's going to fail he's going to fail. Just let it go. It will mean the world for you.

Make it clear to DH at some point that when his son is in complete failure to launch mode that he won't stay with y'all.

ITB2012's picture

And stopped doing that. I got EXACTLY the same treatment. I was supposed to "help" DH parent since I appeared so on top of things with my kid. BUT, then when things didn't get done and after DH had said things that sounded all "parenty" and I happen to ask how it went but also could see things that DH didn't, I got the stick and the skid got the carrot.

Beware, the next step when you don't take care of it and SS isn't getting homework in on time is both: you should have told me (to which you will reply that your DH said he had control of the situation so you stepped away), and then that you don't like his kid and want the kid to fail (since it's another way for him to put off being responsible for his child that he said he would be responsible for and whom you did not need to worry about in the last conversation).

Just start banging your head on the wall now, it'll free up time later.

Goodluck's picture

Wow you have a great bm dont ya?

Did you forget that BM is the custodial parent? Why didnt she make sure her son was current in all of his homework?

BM could care less it seems. Why should you?

 

 

 

kathyd's picture

That is how our BM is. SS9 was NEVER doing homework unless I sat with him, one weekend BM drops him off and says that he has a few make up pages to do and were due Monday (this was a FRIDAY) It was 12 freaking pages. I told DH that I wasn't doing them becasue the pages were missed on her watch not ours, he called BM and told her that the homework wasn't getting done and that SS would be dropped off early enough on Sunday so SHE could sit with him and do it. I don't have a problem sitting with him and helping when he has it and is with us, but there was NO way that I was loosing weekend time becsaue SHE missed 12 pages. Anyway it must have hit a nerve becasue it hasn't happened since then. 

Rags's picture

Let the lying hyper dramatic little F-trophy flunk.  If he suffers the humiliation of repeating a grade while his peers move on... that may get through to him and DH both.

Daddy appologizing to SS for SS being a lying sneaky little shit is pathetic.

smh

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You cannot care more than the parents. Let that become your new mantra. He is not your child, you don't need to worry about his homework. He has two parents - it is their responsibility. No good will come of this, you will become the mean stepmother and he won't do the work anyway.

Fedupwithlife's picture

The problem is DH DOES care BUT won’t punish the little shit like he should. If left to DH he would believe SS lies intill SS was super behind. Who cares you say? Me! Why? One BM who babies SS and makes excuses would want DH to go to MORE therapy Sessions to figure out why poor baby is Struggling in life and DH Disney dad would go (Gag) DH already has TO MUCH therapy with them for my liking not to mention $$$ for co-pays. Then add DH would NEVER think to punish SS for being a bastard about his HW but would Bribe him $$$ to do his HW. Even if DH pays for these bribes out of his own money with are married and live together so that’s less money for something else. Plus if SS Realizes he can manipulate DH into buying him shit for doing HW it will NEVER stop till he Graduate college. No joke

So you see I feel I need to stay on top of things 

Steptotheright's picture

He might claim that he cares and pressure you about it, but if he's not willing to follow through with punishments and strategies to get his son to do the work, then him saying he cares is just words.  Why should you be villifying yourself because DH is scared to discipline his son?  Paying for grades, in my experience, doesn't work. Tried that with my steps, it just plain doesn't work.

I guess what drives you is your fear of him having to do more therapy with stepchild, and that would inevitably involve more coordination with his ex.

I'm not sure how to address that concern. But I do know that managing this child's education will be a constant point of stress for you. Also, often times it's a step parent's involvement that makes the child go the other way, because they don't want to do anything that a step parent says. 

So I would suggest a trial period where  you just let them suss out the grades and if you notice improvement then there you go... he was rebelling against you and your involvement the entire time.

nappisan's picture

im in the same boat as you ,, my partner will not parent his misbehaving little turd , neither will the BM.  The crap thing is ,, we all do anything we can to supoort and be a hardworking part of this so called 'team', but they do nothing , yet turn around and get moody at us for doing what they should be! We put effort into all of this because we are the ones who have to live with it also.  My SS12 lies , steals , graffitis , vandelises my belongings, alwasy fighting at school, yet DH tippy toes around this kid. He needs to be a man and parent his devil offspring !   I, like you , did all the homework instigating, set up meetings with school counsellors etc etc etc the list is endless,, you will only lose everytime.  best advice i can give you is to withdraw completely from any parenting role with this kid and let DH do it all,,, and if DH still doesnt do anything , he isnt a man worth having.  They either pick up their game pretty quick or they fail horribly  

Rags's picture

Time to give DH the "Don't tell me that you care about SS doing his homework. Show me that you care with action.  Put your foot up his ass, find your balls, and actually parent" lecture.

SMH

tog redux's picture

But you don't have the power to change a dynamic that BOTH parents have set up with this kid. Why should he listen to you when his parents are giving him the message that what you say and do is wrong?

If your DH really cared, he'd do something about. He cares about looking like he cares, not about his son's education.

I think you have to decide if you can stay long term in this situation, because you can't control either SS or DH and it's going to make you crazy trying.

Mandy45's picture

If dh not worried about neither should you. I used to do the hw thing with sd. Dh didnt care bm didnt care sd didnt want to do it. I would sit there for hours pulling out my hair doing one page of work that should of took 20 minutes.

The school didnt seem to care either. They even gave up. So after awhile I thought why am I wasting my time.

I seem to be the only one who cares about it. When she not my kid. So I stopped worrying about it. 

 Now she 17 dropped out of school jobless and uneducated. I told everyone this would happen.

But what do I know I'm just the sm being a bitch. Even though I have 2 bio with good jobs and trades earning heaps of money.

While sd sit at home sleeping all day and looking at her phone doing nothing with her life with dh financings it all. Probably will be till she 30.

 Dh go on about how disappointed he is with sd.  

When I told him education and rules where important. They where foretold the future for sd. If dh didnt keep on top of things.  But what would I know??? Nothing apparently. I'm just a bitchy step mother. 

 

 

 

 

Peace1's picture

I could have written this!  I was the only one who cared about education and rules and structure and work ethic...drove myself crazy worrying about how SDs would turn out, what opportunities they would miss out on...neither parent cared or if they did, were too weak to act on it...so I was just the evil bitchy SM who "hated" my SKs, and was just a "bully" to my SKs...ok whatever...so I disengaged (thanks to StepTalk!) and now they are 21 and 19...doing the same as your SD.  It is one of the saddest things ever to see that wasted potential!  I try to tell myself that they are young and can still turn it around but the low expectations, mediocrity, and lack of work ethic are probably too ingrained... 

Swim_Mom's picture

Tell him the following: "Fine DH, I don't give a $hit if your pos son is a loser and failure in life. I tried to help because you are not doing anything. From now on I'm backing off - it's your problem. One exception. He will never live in our house beyond high school due to his failure to launch."

That's all you need to say. Perhaps you can say it more eloquently than I just did. I don't do politcal correctness.

Disneyfan's picture

 

 

Your SS doesn't care because his father doesn't care.  You can't force yiur husband ti be an effective parent.  You sure as hell shouldn't be doing the heavy lifting for him.

If you can't go to the event, go ANYWHERE! Go to lunch and a movie.  Spend time roaming around a local museum.  Do SOMETHING other than just sitting at home.  

You need to send the message that their stupidity will not impact your plans.

Ispofacto's picture

In the future make all your plans with GFs on the weekends SS is going to be there.  If SS's homework really matters to you, which it shouldn't, you can tell DH that he can do things with you when SS's report card comes back clean for one full semester.

Ground them both.

"Sorry DH, I made plans without you.  With SS getting Fs in everything, I figured you'd both be busy getting his HW done."

And if they can't get it done because SS "forgot" to bring the needed materials home with him, they're grounded for the whole weekend.  No TV, no outings, etc.