VENTING!!!!!!!!!
I've had it up to hear with DH expecting me to love SD as my own. Guess what? I don't. I didn't give birth to her. It's not realistic to ask me to love her like she is my daughter.
I'm going to vent. If anything sounds mean, flame me all you want.
DH and his crazy family talks about what a great and smart kid she is. Meanwhile, here is a list of things she doesn't do for herself unless you remind her a thousand times(and she is 10!!!): brush her teeth; comb her hair; use toilet paper; flush the toilet; wash her hair; use soap in the shower; wear clean underwear and socks; zip her pants.
Her family talks about that she is just soooo smart, but can I list some of the idiotic things she thinks/says?
--"I didn't know you had to use soap." She "cleaned" her lunch thermos by filling it with water and closing it. She seriously thought that "cleaned" it.
--I didn't flush the toilet because you were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you up." Seriously????
--not statements exactly. But at 10 she can't really use a clock and estimate what time it would be 10 minutes or 15 minutes from now; she used a kitchen table placemat as a cleaning rag because she thought that's what they were (seriously, how can you mistake the placemats ON THE TABLE from the paper towels we use to clean??)
SO FED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My BD is also 10. She's
My BD is also 10. She's brilliantly smart, yet is guilty of most everything you've listed as negative attributes of your SD. Honestly, I think its just an age/stage type of thing. More often than not, my BD will rush through all of these tasks or attempt to avoid them entirely because there is something "better" she could be doing, which is usually reading a book or playing a game on the computer. To us as adults, these tasks are no-brainers so its difficult for us to understand how someone could NOT change their undies without being prompted to. Its our job as parents to teach our kids that these tasks are NOT optional. Your SD's parents should be teaching her these things.
I'm not sure of how your relationship with SD is, but maybe you could give her a little guidance if you see that DH is failing to acknowledge an issue. Of course if it were my SD and, for example, I knew she hadn't changed her undies in an appropriate amount of time, I would wait until we are all in the same room. I'd abruptly make a sour face, start sniffing, and ask if anyone else smells pee. Make a joke out of it..." SD, did you wet your pants again? You're so silly!". Difference being, my SD is 19, still wets the bed regularly, and has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
I know you're frustrated but try to cut your SD a little slack. 1) she's only 10. There's still time to correct her bad hygiene habits. 2) she is a product of her parents and their parenting abilities or lack thereof. 3) Be thankful she shows signs of SOME intelligence. A bag of smashed assholes has more sense than my SD...
Don't know. She's always been
Don't know. She's always been a bedwetter. DH tried getting BM to take her to a doctor 8+ years ago but BM refused and when he tried scheduling appts himself, SD would refuse to go and BM would take her side. Now she's 19 & still wetting the bed. That's gotta make dating fun... :?
ETA: I forgot to mention that she hides the evidence of it happening. If she wets the bed, she changes her clothes, goes back to sleep, and makes the bed over the piss-soaked sheets the next morning. No matter WHOSE home she's in. BM's, MIL' s, ours... she's THAT lazy and disgusting.
I agree with the line of
I agree with the line of thinking so far. I'm assuming you have no experience with children plus the fact you just don't like this kid has clouded your expectations. Remember her brain is far from being complete.
Most kids have to be told repeatedly what to do - lets face it her priorities (learning how to set the table) is simply not yours. Plus the logic trails in her brain don't reflect an adults. It may not make sense to you but it makes sense to her.
And boy its going to get worse. Just wait until her idea of fun is sneaking out the window to meet boys.
Take a gander at this and see if it won't help you in dealing with this situation. It's not worth it spending the next 8 or 10 years like this if you can't find an acceptable solution. If you follow the guidelines in the article linked below here are some of the things you will no longer have to concern yourself with: brush her teeth; comb her hair; use toilet paper; flush the toilet; wash her hair; use soap in the shower; wear clean underwear and socks; zip her pants. You see its all up to Daddy to do these things and if she visits Grandmas with her pants open its not your concern:
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html