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Valentine’s Day rant anyone else with this problem???

Frustratedstepmom80's picture

Ever since I met DH( 7 yrs ago) everything Revolved around SS. We even had to plan our Honeymoon around DH Parenting time! God forbid DH miss a weekend with SS. This along with other things has Created a entitled spoiled brat that thinks the world Revolves around him. 

First issue Every year Valentine’s Day has fell on DH parenting time. Not once has DH said to BM he could not get SS or even tell her he would pick him up after we went out to dinner for a couple of hours. SS would flip a nut if he missed any daddy time but to bad. BM has not dated since their divorce because in her words “she is fully Devoted to raising SS”. So it’s not like she wanted to go out too. Yes we can Celebrate on another night but it’s more the Principal that DH won’t even miss TWO hours of his parenting time for a Special occasion. Yes I’ve asked him and he refused. 

Number two. Last I knew Valentine’s Day was for your Partner/Significant other. Well SS gets a card and the SAME candy I get. We get the same gift given at the same time EVERY year.  I’m sure part of the reason is DH knows if I got more or better than SS he would again flip out. Oh SS is 12 yrs old not 5! 

Now I don’t mean to come off as petty but this is just another issue due to SS being spoiled rotten. So every Valentine’s Day I get to spend watching tv alone or going to a movie by myself. All my other friends have dates so there is no one to hang out with. DH has to spend 24/7 Entertaining SS and doing what he wants even on Valentine’s Day which will be playing Video games, playing Basketball, or pillow fights. 

Anyone else have this problem with a Disney dad????

tog redux's picture

Well - I don't blame him for not wanting to give up a whole weekend with his kid, especially if he only has him every other weekend, or even an evening, if you and he can celebrate at another time.  But getting you the same thing he gets an 8-year-old boy is just silly.  There's no reason he can't plan a special night with you on a day his son isn't there and make you feel loved as his wife.

I'm not a big Valentine's Day fan, but if you are, he should do something more special for you.  And not be trying to make sure his son doesn't feel less "loved" than his partner - as you said, it's a different kind of love and the kid needs to learn that.  Not celebrating right on Valentine's day might be the compromise you have to make, but he has to make some too.

Frustratedstepmom80's picture

the giving up the weekend was for our Honeymoon which DH refused to do anyways. I would never expect him to give up a whole weekend for just Valentine’s Day but a few hours would we great. Sorry for the Confusion. 

tog redux's picture

I get that - I guess since I'm not someone who cares about what I do on Valentine's Day, I'd be fine with just doing something another night when it's less busy anyway.  But he should make some effort to do something special for you. 

Kes's picture

 I wouldn't have expected my DH to give up a weekend but I don't see why he couldn't have picked up SS a few hours later or even on the Saturday morning, on this occasion - I think Valentines Day is on Friday.   It really would have made me barf if my DH had given his kid the same card and/or present as he gave me - that is completely out of order.  I think it's a bit stupid when parents get their kids Valentines cards anyhow.  

Frustratedstepmom80's picture

The giving up of the weekend was for our honeymoon which DH refused to do anyway. I would never expect him to give up a whole weekend just for Valentine’s Day but a few hours would be nice

hereiam's picture

If my DH ever gave me the same gift that he gave his kid, I would give it right back.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I totally get where you are coming from! We have SD for V day weekend as well and I'm not looking forward to it because she is super clingy but we have our other kids at home as well so it will be low key. Just try to work around it even though trust me I know how it is. Him giving SD a v day gift the same as you is strange.... I usually get my sons something small every year but they are 3 and 8. That's really strange but I guess 

lieutenant_dad's picture

BM isn't DH's babysitter, so if it's his parenting time, he needs to figure out babysitting that isn't BM. Giving up time isn't an option, but hiring a babysitter.

But the issue isn't that. The issue is that your DH wants a wife when his son isn't around, but only wants his son when he is around. You're only important when he wants you to be important.

I call this "Doll on a Shelf" syndrome. I suffered it with my XH. Metaphorically, I was a doll that my XH would pull down from a shelf and play with when he wanted, but when he was done with me or had something else going on, he'd put me back on the shelf until he wanted to play with me again. He never figured out how to carry two toys at once, or change his play to include a doll. Instead of being an equal in his life, I was just one of many things/toys/possessions that he had access to, and he cared about me just as much as he did anything else. I wasn't special; I was just like his motorcycle, computer, PS3, etc.

The only chance you have is to show your husband your worth and not take this lying down. You're going to have to have some blow-out fights and make it painful for him. That may mean not being available when he wants you around, and making plans without consulting him, and really just giving him a taste of his own medicine. He'll either get it and start figuring out how to incorporate you into his life and not setting you aside just because his son is around, or you'll realize you're worth more than just being a doll.

Frustratedstepmom80's picture

I only said That as BM Has no problem Guilty DH into “Babysitting” on her Parenting time when there is no school or camp and she DOES NOT want to use HER Vacation time from work. Of Course BM has no life and never takes s real vacation but she likes to make DH use up his so he can’t use it with me. That’s a whole nothing can of worms. Anyways I would have no problem DH getting a babysitter for SS or he’s old enough to stay at our house alone for a couple of hours when we just went out for dinner. But holy Jesus SS would flip out if we did this. Not the fact we left him alone as we have done this to go Grocery shopping and such but the fact DH is spending time with me. SS is Extremely Jealous and very needy of constant attention from DH. This being said DH would never do this

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Does you DH live close to his mom? My DH will usually ask his mother , SDs grandma if she would mind watching SD while he do stuff together . SD has no problem with this because she gets all the attention their plus her favorite cousin lives there and they do girl things together . Would this be an option for your guys ? I never ask DH to do this, he does it on his own. And I get you about BM , for awhile BM was using US as her sitter until I was like um no 

Frustratedstepmom80's picture

But honestly even if they lived close I doubt SS would stay with them for any amount of time without putting up a stink. SS is SUPER clingy SUPER needy for DH 24/7. 

ChzyBob20's picture

You are not the priority and you never will be. So sorry for your troubles. You're within your rights to dump this jerk and his brat.

justmakingthebest's picture

My kids went out to visit their dad this past weekend- we did our Valentine's day Saturday. It doesn't matter the day, it is really just an excuse to get dressed up and go on a date (and wear new lingerie!). Celebrate next weekend. 

As for getting the same gift as your SS, that is what would piss me off. I don't care about gifts at all, I am more about experiences than things- however, if I was given the same thing as a kid - I would hand it back and say that I am not your child and I will not be treated as his equal. No thank you, you can return mine. I don't need a gift this year. 

Thisisnotus's picture

12 is old enough to stay home for a couple hours alone.....

that being said....DH has skids for V-day....I expect NOTHING and will be shocked if he would even leave the house. My guess is that he will spend V-day driving SD17s boyfriend so that they can have a nice Valentines Day.

futurobrillante99's picture

Ugh! You just conjured a memory of my XH2 when one of his sons brought a girl over for dinner. The kid either bought food or made food and XH2 put down a table cloth, set the table and lit a candle for them (picture Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene). He never did that crap for us. It was insulting how low key Valetine's Day was with him except he WOULD send me beautiful flower arrangements. He's kinda ruined me on flowers, though, because he treated me so terribly most of the time the flowers lost their meaning. Oh, and on our last Valentine's Day in 2018, he gave me a racist card.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Or a babysitter.... bio kids have to occasionally have trusted babysitters so why not step kids?

Also, It doesn’t do children any harm in the long run to realise different relationships are just that ‘different’... therefore not everybody gets the ‘same presents’. 

This is usually pretty easy to understand by the teen years.

I think I got one nursery made card about 17 years ago from my bio son. After that it was more like ‘yuk mum’!

futurobrillante99's picture

My advice is to do Valentine's Day up for yourself. Leave your kids with a sitter or family member. Check into a hotel with a spa overnight, pack a bottle of your favorite booze, some goodies, adult toys, bubble bath and go pamper yourself. I PROMISE you that you will feel divine.

I started doing this after my first divorce. XH1 was TERRIBLE with Valentine's Day (among other things). Ever since then, I've gotten really good at spoiling myself for ALL my important days.

I am doing a solo retreat this coming weekend. I am gone Friday afternoon until Sunday morning. Completely offline. I will have my journal, books and lovely snacks, plus flowers to celebrate Valentine's Day. I know best how to love me and I'm going to spoil myself rotten.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I get not asking BM to keep SS, and if it's everyother weekend, I might be ok with shifting Valentine's Day to another time. But I would take issue with:

1. not accomodating the honeymoon over ONE visitation weekend. that was a special time as a newly married couple. your DH could have switched weekends with BM, or simply forfeited the weekend one time to enjoy the honeymoon.

2. not making valentine's day special for you, his wife. The fact that you get the same gift as a 12 year old boy is odd to me. There should be zero comparison between what you and a child receive, and if your SS doesn't understand that by now, then shame on your DH for not teaching him better.

EatThisApple's picture

I had this exact same issue up until a couple of years ago with my SS, and trust me, it's a parenting issue ans not a child issue. If you coddle a child they will act entitled. If you let them make the decisions  and treat them as an equal (ie. your matching VD gifts) they will be entitled.

My SS used to have a meltdown if we did anything without him, even on BMs days, and we have primary custody. I just started enforcing that we need adult dates & adult vacations. That we have SS time and a little bit of just us time once in a while too. 

Your SS will initially have crying & manipulative fits trying to regain control of your lives, but if you don't bow down, it will eventually just be an accepted routine like everything else and he won't care.

To be honest, my SS seems like a happier, healthier kid now that we paractice proper parenting.

Rags's picture

It appears that your DH has a bit of an emotional incest thing going with his 12yo.

He is prioritizing his kid over his wife.  Not appryand definitely not a wise move.

Sometimes couple time means declining a visitation.

The duplicate gifts and cards for you and the 12yo love interest would be a deal breaker for me.  Next time he pulls that crap ding even open them.  Hand them to the 12yo "Here have two" and walk away after handing DH the lingerie bag with the hot purchase you made for your romantic couple weekend.

Then go enjoy the weekend for some quality alone time and let DH stew.

Frustratedstepmom80's picture

If controlling BM and Manipulating step brat did not throw certain things in DH face DH Would honestly care less. BUT the fact step brat is Quick to point out when HE’S not the Center of attention 24/7 DH Caters to him. I’ve decided this year I’M not Expecting any besides the same box of chocolates step brat gets. I’m also not strongly hinting and then coming right out telling DH Valentine’s Day is really about the person you are in a relationship with. What fun is it when I Literally have to tell DH EVERY year I would like to Exchange REAL gifts and do something nice JUST the two of us knowing he really does not want to. Screw him. I can buy my own gifts. I’m going from now buy stuff I want and do things I want. Think I’m going to start with a Massage and pedicure then go see a movie I’ve been wanting to see.

Rags's picture

Divorce Dad guilt is just an excuse for him to be both a shitty father and a shitty husband.  Don't tolerate any excuses.

kathyd's picture

Visits from SS9 were every other weekend for a while which was great, we could plan a date night or a weekend get a way. Now BM has him in wrestling (he is failing miserably at BTW) so if there is a match on the weekend we don't have him. DH was never asked if this was an issue nor dose he speak up or say anything, but here we are at Valentine's Day. when I looked at the school calander I see that dear SS has off on Friday as well as Monday so I am VERY confident that BM will be in contact with DH probably tomorrow (Thursday) telling him that she will be dropping SS off for the long weekend, I say telling DH becasue she never ask she tells him and being the dotting dad that he is he will seem fine with that. He asked me the other day what I wanted to do for Valentines Day and I said that I wasn't making any plans until I knew if SS was going to be with us or not. We will see what happens. 

Frustratedstepmom80's picture

My Bio hag pulls the same shit regarding school vacation/breaks. She wants DH to use all his work vacation time watching the brat. She HATES the fact DH will take time off from work and go away with me. Fortunately for me DH sucks at remembering school holidays/breaks. So I make sure I know when they are coming up and Purposely make plans with DH to go away or at least a day trip someplace Special. Way before Bio hag has a chance to dump step brat on us. This way when bio try’s and guilt DH into watching SS on her time sorry we got plans. Works beautifully as DH cant use the old Excuse “well we don’t have plans so I’d like to get him” shit to me. 

somethingwicked's picture

This man does not see how bizarre his behavior is when he puts you ,an ADULT WOMAN that he married and for the past 7 years was supposed to be  his equal partner in all things , on  equal footing with his  school aged child.  WTF?he bought you both the same gift for VD?And in7 years VD never fell on a child free day?Sounds like there was some manipulation there. 

And it isn't like he does not know you are bothered by his actions because you TOLD him..you have shared your hurt feelings, anger, frustration what ever emotions that his weird attitude prompted .And you say that H waded right in with this on your honeymoon and has not changed a thing.

I'm sorry but I would not take another day of this and I suspect it extends into every day  and into more aspects of your relationship than several holidays a year. And H obviously allows his EX to manipulate his time.He could ask her to take the kid or switch days.She sounds like some long suffering martyr  who stayed single post divorce to solo raise the  wunderkind.

I guess she expects her EX to make the same choice and sacrifice as raising their child is fulfillment enough or something .And in many ways he IS following her lead and making sure you are an also ran.

Parenting is not creating an atmosphere where you,the wife, feels she is in competition with a child. 

Time for you to stop being treated like you and his child are on equal footing.You are not.You are his wife.His child is a CHILD and that your H cannot meet you in the middle or exude any romance or concern tells the story.

I'd start seeing a marriage counselor, insist he acompanies but if he does not I 'd attend without H and ,too, start planning a future exit/divorce  if nothing changes for the better.

 

Penny19's picture

You and SS got the same 'gifts' for Valentine's Day?  I'm sure that wound cut deep and wide. How inconsiderate!  I might offend some folks here but since when did Valentine's Day involve kids? Growing up, we NEVER got gifts or cards on Valentine's Day from mom and dad. This was set aside as a day for lovers, marriage proposals, and things like that. We did the passing out of the little cards in school because it was fun but now....geesh. When I see the VD cards for everyone under the sun, I think it's a Hallmark created situation and I do not participate.

Just askin....but is there any way the BM would manipulate the calendar weeks/months in advance as far as HER having the SK maybe two wknds in a row in order to make the SK's visitation happen at your home during VD weekend?