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Unappreciated Step Mom - Over It!

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi everyone:

 

My situation is right off the bat two of the most entitled, selfish and  ungrateful step daughters anyone could probably ever have.  One is 14 and one is 12.  The 14 year old is moody and rebellious.  Doesn’t listen to anyone.  The 12 year old has mini wife syndrome and competes with me for her dad at all times.  My husband has guilty dad syndrome so lets them do whatever.  He slept in the same room as his now 12 year old who sometimes wets the bed still until I told him you stop or I’m out.  Of course I was wrong for even thinking it. He said he’ll sleep with his daughters until their 25 if he needs to.  No signs of sexual misconduct or anything ever.  Just a father obsessed with his daughters.  She needs to be touching him at all times or sitting next to him or kissing him and “I love you daddy” a thousand times a day in a 2 year old voice.  She still HAS to sit next to him at dinner, at the movies, in public once we’re done with eating if she isn’t sitting on lap she’ll go and sit on it..IN THE RESTAURANT!!! Hubby thinks all of this is ok.  IF I say something “it’s just you” and “are you four”..UM NO is your daughter FOUR!?

 

Those girls came into my life when there were too young to remember so why the competition? I didn’t ruin their parent’s marriage or come between them.  So I don’t get  it.

 

He says he can’t discipline that much because he only has them part time.  Ok, that’s the most delusional thing I’ve ever heard.

 

His 14 year old is so moody and out of control and ungrateful.  He tried to take her phone once when she was doing bad things on it and she ghosted him for 3 months.  We didn’t see her or talk to her for that long.  So now SHE has control cause he’s afraid she’ll disappear. 

 

My husband is very entitled so he of course has the same for his kids.

 

Their mom is a HOT MESS.  She’s going her fourth marriage since I’ve known him.  She was married once before him, cheated on that husband.  Then married mine, had two kids with him and she cheated and left him.  Then she married some older rich guy, was super established, the girls had a mansion in the best schools etc. and she cheated on him and left him for some other guy who’s she’s with now. 

 

She moved the girls from her rich husband’s into a tiny townhome, lived there for a month and a half and moved in with her new guy which all of them now moved out of state. 

 

I have always gone above and beyond for his kids.  Have treated them better than my own (25 year old WONDERFUL daughter).  Have created traditions, have done so many special things.  Took them to Disney this year, etc. 

 

I recently moved out of our home because of the issues with them.  The constant feeling unappreciated, the constant me being a wicked step mom because I wanted to establish rules and boundaries and help him with the guilty dad and mini wife issues. The constant whenever his ex called and needed something him not being able to say no even if it interfered with our plans.  The constant him putting his kids WHIMS and WANTS instead of their NEEDS over everything.  The constant walking on egg shells in MY OWN HOME.  Having to “be quiet” when there were sleeping till 1 in the afternoon because they were up till 4am.

 

She just moved them to another state and he didn’t try to stop her because her and his kids have always gotten away with whatever they want.  She promised that they would be here for the holidays (which I told him to get in writing and he didn’t) and I knew that wouldn’t be held up.  She lies about everything.  So because they’re not coming for Thanksgiving my husband is like do you wanna fly there?  UM NO.  So you’re telling me now that you want to pay extra for a holiday flight to see your kids who pay no mind to me on top of the fact that she gets $800 monthly, has a mansion that is paid for, etc. but YOU want to HANDLE it because she lied to you AGAIN?  NO!

 

Anyway, the reason I moved out is because his older daughter who is never happy said she wanted to move in with us.  This was my final straw.  I said no.  You’re not going to have her come live here when it’s only been a month there.  It’s not just giving in to whatever she wants whenever.  Give her a chance to settle in.  Then in a year see what happens.  I said on top of that, I’m not going to deal with the issues that we had part time, full time.  So if she’s going to live here, I’m out.  He said I choose her.  What do you want me to do? I said you’re choosing her WHIM and WANT of the moment instead of a NEED.  She is living in a MANSION in a palm tree’s area and she’s complaining? Like COME ON. Get a freakin GRIP! 

 

So we went back and forth.  I already had one foot out the door but we got into an argument about it, I said that’s it’s I’m moving, I want to be alone and he pushed me.  Really hard to where I was bruised and almost broke my wrist.  So that was it. I packed up and moved within a week.

 

SO his job went on strike and he was homeless so I let him stay there.  Now he’s there and guess what?  Still same issues because I’m super hurt that his daughters haven’t even take a second to message me or reach out to me or my daughter who was so good to them also!  He’s like you can reach out to which I did once or twice but they barely respond.  PLUS they are old enough to know better. 

 

So I just told him, you’re not getting them for Thanksgiving and I know you will probably get them for Christmas but for my peace of mind and sanity I’m not doing the holiday’s with them.  I’m done going above and beyond.  For what? To have the most special day and then be ghosted again?  I’m just not doing it.  So I told him to take his kids and spend the week of Christmas with his families. 

 

I don’t know if I’m wrong but they’ve been gone since September and I don’t miss them or the situation at all.  My sanity is a bit more intact and I don’t want it in my life anymore.  Not for now at least.  I’m super hurt that they haven’t reached out and just feel so used, unappreciated and taken for granted.  It hurts.

 

I’m also ready to leave my husband.  He said earlier I hope you and the girls can reconcile.  UM..like I did something for them to treat me and my daughter like we don’t exist?

 

Anyway, I’m just done.  I have almost both feet out of the door.  I keep telling him to leave the apartment that I moved to, to get away from it all but he’s not getting it.  I just want to be alone.  Live my life and be happy.

 

For so many years I have had my feelings invalidated, have been told “it’s just you” that I don’t even know what to think anymore.

 

Am I wrong for any of this?  It’s a terrible situation.

 

P.S. Sorry for the super long post.  It’s been 12 years coming.

futurobrillante99's picture

You don't have to let him live with you. He should live somewhere else. If he goes to visit them, after he leaves, get the locks changed, and tell him to never come back.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi - Yes, because he was laid off.  The company went on strike .  He's back to work now.  Can some of you confirm I'm not wrong here?  Cause I'm questioning if I'm a terrible person.

hereiam's picture

Oh, you're not wrong. If my husband told me that he would sleep with his daughter unitl she was 25 if she wanted him to, I would tell him to have at it and have a good life.

I refuse to walk on eggshells in my own home, which I pay for.  And, he's gotten physical with you.

I, personally, would not care about my SD not reaching out to me, but I don't do the guilty dad or the mini wife thing. He should have stayed single if you are not going to be a priority.

2nd wives club's picture

You shouldn't have let him move in with you, but that doesn't make you a terrible person. He exploited your generosity and kind heart.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I get that but what about the mini wife issues?  There are other issues.  I dont ever see his kids appreciating anything.  His ex's oldest daughter who is 18 is a spoiled entitled brat.  

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

And I don't plan on dealing with it for 10 years till they are maybe enlightened. No thanks!

Cassie.maye's picture

You can't let it continue, my sd is 20 and moved back with us AGAIN, same entitled stuff and "calling daddy" bs as when she was young!  I hope the best for you!

Siemprematahari's picture

Can some of you confirm I'm not wrong here?  Cause I'm questioning if I'm a terrible person.

You're not wrong and my question is why haven't you divorced and left all this f@ckery behind?? You're not a terrible person but d@mn sure seem to have a high tolerance for bullsh!t. Kick his @ss out and live your best life. He doesn't deserve you or your kindness.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you! I suppose it's cause he's made me feel like I was wrong for it?  My daughter, god love her, hasn't really understood.  I told her she may never unless she was in the situation and I pray that she never is.  He has tried to get them to help more, pitch in around the house, etc. but the situation still made me crazy with the entitlement, the ex wife always getting her way to the point of interfering with our plans on OUR WEEKENDS OFF..he still couldn't say no, etc.  The guilty dad is too much.  I have suggested therapy and he doens't believe in it and then I have sent  him links to read about mini wife, guilty father issues, etc. and I'm not sure that he read them or if he did, didn't matter. I respect him wanting to be a good dad but to what expense?  Like there has to be balance. Sad

Gimlet's picture

What part has your daughter not understood?  

Of course he "doesn't believe" in counseling.  He knows his dumb ass will get called out for being an abusive, lazy, creeper. 

Merry's picture

He's ok with sleeping with his daughters until they're adults, and he physically pushes you to the point of bruising.

That's all I need to know. Why is staying with him even an option?

And you're questioning if YOU are a terrible person. You've been under his control for so long and he's been gaslighting you to the point that you don't trust your own judgment. There's nothing wrong with you, but there IS something wrong with him.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You're not the first, second, or tenth woman to post here about being involved with an enmeshed father.

The only thing you're wrong about is having anything to do with this enmeshed, pathetic excuse of a man after he got physical with you. All of the other dysfunction aside (and make no mistake, it's crazy and this guy has no business expecting any woman to put up with it), once domestic violence was added to the mix you should have taken immediate steps to erase this jerk from your life.

This guy is not emotionally available, but he wants an adult female for sex, domestic services, and financial support. He gaslights you to keep you confused and finds fault with you to divert it from himself. This is not a healthy or winnable scenario. Save yourself. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Will or will not do? This man was violent with you. His subsequent financial set back was his issue to resolve.

You are choosing to live with an abusive man and yet you view his daughters as the source of your unhappiness?

Love  your daughter enough to set a better example for  her.  Put this man and his issues out of your life.

Being alone is far better than living with an abuser.

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

They aren't the only source but a very big source. I think others would feel the same. That's why I came here. To be told how I feel about them is ok and not abnormal, 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Yes I know. He's been good to me in that I'm very spoiled, coffee and breakfast and bed, massages, just things to take care of me when I need but issues with the other stuff makes it not enough anymore. I'm sad because he has been my best friend through so many things but..I'm just tired of the otter stuff. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Yes I know. He's been good to me in that I'm very spoiled, coffee and breakfast and bed, massages, just things to take care of me when I need but issues with the other stuff makes it not enough anymore. I'm sad because he has been my best friend through so many things but..I'm just tired of the otter stuff. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Will provide breakfast in bed and a massage and neither of them will beat or become violent with you. If you want to be spoiled , invest a few dollars in these services  and set your a user and abuser free.

If you are not going to leave at least be honest with yourself and stop blaming his kids for your problems. Own the fact that  your problems are caused by your decision to remain with this abusive man.

His coffee and magic fingers are hardly worth the price that you are paying and the example that is being set for your daughter.

Love yourself enough to leave him. You may find that your self esteem is more comforting than his magic fingers.

 

 

 

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thanks! I hear you on all of it. I agree with you bu the kids have been a big issue. Even if he was perfect, they still remain an issue. I'm here asking if I'm wrong for how I feel about it all. Not just him. Because I know him and the issue there. The kids and the way they are have upset me as well. Is that wrong? Am I justified? Because I feel bad and I shouldn't considering how they have been with me also. 
 

Again, I'm not blaming it all on the kids but I do feel like a taken for granted used step mom. I want to know that some others here have felt that way and that I'm not a bad person for not wanting any part of it anymore. Now I'm questioning it all. This wasn't meant to be all about him the issues are with his kids also who make me feel terrible as well. 
 

Have there been others here who have left or divorced just cause of the kids? 

Gimlet's picture

What people have been trying to say is that his kids are terrible because HE is terrible.  You can't pull those facts apart because one impacts the other.  If he were a different man, it's likely that his kids would be different people, or he would try to set some boundaries and make the situation livable.  There are people here with awful stepkids but good husbands who make it work, but if your husband is not good there is little hope.

He is inappropriate with his daughters, OP.  It's his job as the father to teach them boundaries.  He isn't and it sounds like he enjoys the attention.  He doesn't discipline them. He gave in to BM and to them all the time.  Of course they suck, both of their parents suck and all the trying that you do isn't going to change that.

Are you justified in feeling upset and let down about the fact that they don't appreciate you?  Of course.  But, and I mean this in the nicest way, this was a choice for you too.  I am sorry it turned out this way and you are not alone in that feeling.  It's part of what makes steplife so hard.  But it really sounds like you husband is at the root of all this because he's been diminishing you and gaslighting you for years.

All the coffee and massages in the world don't make up for a core lack of respect and physical abuse.  You can find a relationship where you can get treated well and be safe and respected.  I suggest that you end this one, spend some time reflecting on it (preferably with the counselor) and move on to something better. 

So yes, you are justified but you don't need me or anyone else to tell you that.  

Best wishes, OP.

shamds's picture

quiet?? Like not do housework or anything because you will interrupt little precious sleeptime?? Daddy wants to sleep with his daughters till 25, not normal for a grown man to find more pleasure sleeping with his 25 yr old daughter in same bed then banging his girlfriend or wife...

i wouldn’t tolerate this mess and put my foot down

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Yes! Quiet like housework, laughing or talking too loud in morning, etc. it's all just wrong. I did put my foot down and said please don't ever make me feel like I have to be quiet in my own home that's onoqu for. When he moved in with my daughter at the time, we didn't have any special anything around her. We went about our days. No special treatment. So why the special treatment for yours? Get out of here with that mess!! 
 

so that's just ONE example of the entitlement. My daughter and his all have April birthdays one week apart and I've always made them special. Christmas as well. Always so special. The last few years he started complaining cause he said I got my daughter more gifts or more expensive ones. At first I did maybe get her one or two more but I always have because since she was a child she really only got gifts from me and my mom and grandparents. His kids get from us, their mom, his family, her family and more. So the last two yeasts I had to put a number and monetary limit so it's "fair". Whatever!!!!! Ridiculous.

 

The year before last for their birthdays I decided to get them their own mini birthday cakes that I had specially made for each and do you know he said u only did that for show. That I pretend to make their birthdays special for show?! He was upset cause we went overboard on presents when we weren't on finically so I said let's take a few things back. Things they won't pay any mind to. He flipped out. Said if it was my daughter I wouldn't. Mind you I did only have one gift for her that year. She's 25 also and sometimes her gift would be more than theirs by  few dollars.  Even after all that, took them to Disney with us this year where we rang in my swingers 25th. Invited them to come along even when I felt so taken for granted all threes years. 

 

none of this changed anything ever. I was and always am viewed as the wicked step mom whenever there is a concern about anything else.

 

which is why we are here today. Amongst EVERYTHING else. I'm just so done. Typing this just pissed me off again. It's bull shit. Him or his kids never deserved me or my daughter! She's been so good to them to. Better to them than Their other older sister who's never around. I'm so upset! 
 

Want him gone now. He knows ill checked out. I've told him as well so he's trying to win me back extra hard but I want no part of it. Once he wins me back and once those kids visit it's going to be worse cause he hasn't seen them in so long. 
 

No thanks. I'll pass. I just wanna be done!! Him out!! 

Step_dad's picture

Give him a few days/ 1 week max to leave and never return. Make sure he takes every last thing with him.

I've read every single comment on here and I'm very sorry for all you've been through!! 
 

random comment; we had a baby (my first, her fourth) I said I'm going to make sure she has an amazing first birthday and then there was a massive debate on making sure all the kids are treated fairly blah blah blah. I would never take the mic but at the same time this is my first and only child and I will enjoy it and treat her how I wish and I won't let anyone tell me otherwise (my partner used to spoil all of her kids especially first born who was spoiled by everyone and still is) I work hard for my money and I never had a dad so I will be doing what I wish for my daughter. Anyone out there who's told that xyz is not fair or treat all kids the same that's not possible. Obviously if one kid has 1 present and the other has 10 that's not funny or nice but otherwise enjoy!! 

Guiltriddenameteur's picture

My first is my SOs 4th and she is my everything. His first daughter and my first baby. I will try to give her evertthing I can but then I feel guilty about his boys. He seems to over compensate because they don't live here so everything we do when they're here is about them (theyre here every other day) Doesn't help that their BM doesn't support them with school work so neither of them can read (7 And nearly 9) so all of our time is not only taking them out for fun things to do but also their homework, bathing them and washing their hair. In the space of 3 days a week, we have to fit everything in that should be done over the full week. He wanted my daughter to wait to open her Christmas presents until the boys got here and I was like erm no! Obviously keep a few from under the tree but her main big present shes going to enjoy before they come and take over the house! I want the opportunity to enjoy Christmas morning with her. 

I love this site. Reading some of the comments makes me realise I'm not alone in how I feel about stuff! I thought I was a bad person but turns out it's normal to feel more for your own child. 

RLZ0073's picture

Of him wanting to sleep in bed with his own daughters and threatening to keep doing it is nauseating enough. 
There's some serious flags with the 12 year old still wetting the bed and the 'mini-wife' syndrome going on.
 

Then add on top of that him treating you like crap but then doing 'nice things' like breakfast in bed to keep you strung along. 

He's loving playing all of you! His kids, you and other people to fight for his attention.

This dude is a raging piece of crap. Don't you dare let him or his crazy ass daughters into your apartment or life again!

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you! He doesn't sleep in the same bed. Same room. Other twin bed. Doesn't do it anymore.

When you say red flags about wetting and Mini wife, can you elaborate more on that?

 

 

RLZ0073's picture

It is never normal to sleep in bed with your kids on a regular basis. And you mentioned he slept with the one for the longest time and they still wet the bed at 12?!? That's f'ed up! Usually that's exhibiting trauma from abuse, whether physical or mental.

and the mini-wife? A daughter quasi-sexually hanging all over daddy trying to out do you? Gross! Most kids don't want to give their parents a hug let alone showing sexual behavior towards them.

These kids are acting like this because THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS ARE BOTH SCREWED IN THE HEAD!

and the one you're involved with loves watching you and his daughter get upset competing over him! 

i can read from your posts you're mentally going back and forth over this piece of dog poo... stop it.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

He didn't sleep in the same bed. He slept in the same room in a separate bed. There were two twin beds in there. I just want to clarify that. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hello:

 

I hope you’re all well and had a good Thanksgiving. So I just found out that my husband spent a ton of money to have his daughters come for Christmas when again, the agreement (verbal) was that she would pay to send them.  So he spent all of this money without telling me.  Then he said the 14 year old keeps saying how she doesn’t want to go back.  I said that’s unfortunate.  I said what are you going to do about that.  He said the plan is to wait until she finishes her January semester and then he’ll bring her back.  I said bring her back where?  He said that’s up to you of course.  I said you’re springing this on me now?  He said I was hoping she would change her mind but she’s been adamant.  I said she isn’t going to be happy here either.  I said she wasn’t happy when she lived in that beautiful home with the most amazing step dad in the best schools. I said she knows you have no rules or boundaries and she does whatever she wants so that’s appealing to her also.  I said you need to keep that in mind.  He said, I really don’t appreciate you putting that into my daughter’s future.  Nobody knows what she’s like when she’s living with her father.  I said I’m not putting it out there. I know exactly what it’ll be like.   I said you expect me to be on board and say yes let’s live together after she has discarded me and to help you raise her and to never have my voice heard without being the wicked step mom for very VALID reasons? I said for me to live in a home where she’s running the show? I said I can’t do it and you know the many reasons why.  I said why aren’t you giving this a year.  At least one year?

 

He said “who said no rules or boundaries?  Who knows what she would have been like had she been more influenced by me, possibly by you more?  Who knows how happy she would be if she had lived with her dad and didn’t have a crazy mom, moving from guy to guy and place to place.  Who knows how happy she’d be?  I’ve missed enough and watched enough, is it really bad that I want to take over and do more? Guide more? Direct more? Influence more? Love more? Is it REALLY as horrible as your prophecy?”

 

I said yes it’s really as bad considering how bad it was for me when she was here part time.  You allowing her to do whatever she wants while I sat there and watched and if I said anything I WAS WRONG?  Me having to walk on egg shells in my own home around her.  Me always being viewed poorly when I TRIED to help you raise good daughters.

 

He said he’s not a bad communicator that I’m a horrible listener…I said how am I not listening?  I said I hear where you’re coming from but are you HEARING ME? I said not once have you apologized.  He said what am I supposed to say.  “Your feelings are validated”.  What does that even mean? He said I’m saying that your feelings are validated and I understand what you’re saying.  That still isn’t an apology or telling me that it would change.  That he was wrong.  He said that he’s listened to my feeling’s for years and years, that doesn’t change the situation right now.  He said what does that have to do with now?  NOTHING.  And it has nothing to do with my future.  It may have something to do with yours because you continue to bring it up but it has nothing to do with mine”.

 

I don’t even know what he’s talking about.  It’s circles at this point.  I am trying to get him to see that he should give her a year there.  He’s so all about who knows this and that.  Well WHO KNOWS what it will change like for her in a year?  I don’t appreciate him springing this on me when he knows all of my concerns.  It’s like he isn’t hearing my concerns and only talking about him and her and THEIR wants/needs.  Him telling me my feelings are validated means what?  Doesn’t mean change. 

 

I’m really upset.  I don’t appreciate him saying “well that’s up to you of course” when I said where are you bringing her.  That’s not fair.  So it’s like what his kid moves here, then the other follows?  I don’t know.  I just have no interest.  I’m really sad and heart broken because I love him and I think that this is the final thing that is going to put us into divorce.

 

Unless you all think I'm in the wrong?

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi all - I know we're all busy but I'm really having anxiety about all of this.  Feeling like a bad person and in the wrong.  Can one of you chime in?  

Gimlet's picture

Please re-read my previous comment as it all still stands.

Find a good therapist, leave this dickbag, and figure out why you ever had a doubt as to whether any of this is acceptable. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Please know if his daughter moves in with you both that this will be the end of your marriage. Your H manipulates and gaslights you. He has no intentions of changing how he behaves towards his daughters and how you feel and what you say means NOTHING to him.

I'd really reconsider remaining married to this man because there's just not that much love in the world that would allow me to remain with a man that blatantly disrespects me and has little care for my needs and mental wellbeing.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hello everyone and thank you for the encouragement and support.  This is super tough during the holidays.  I’m having surgery done the week before Christmas so I took off the week after to recover.  My H knows this and the plan again was for him to be at his families so that I could recover in peace.  We talked about this a few times and yesterday he’s like, I’ll be back here and there.  He said I want to bring the girls here to meet the puppy. I’m getting a puppy next weekend.  So I said well, we talked about this and we already decided you will be at your families that week so that I can recover in peace.  He kept pushing it and I said please don’t bring this up again.  I already said what I said and I don’t get why you’re pushing it.  WELL it just dawned on me that he’s pushing it because his older daughter while visiting wants to visit friends at home.  She can’t do that if she’s two hours away at his families, right?

 

Then he was like I’m going to come here with them because I have to work on the 2nd.  Well, ok?  Nothing to do with me.  Should have thought of that before you made these plans.

 

I feel upset because I feel again, that he is going to try and put me in a place where I’m uncomfortable so that him and his kids are set.  This has been a thing for so many years.  Which you’ve read above.  Him always breaking promises to me so that him and his kids are good to go.  He knows this which is why he’s pushing it and I feel really disrespected and walked all over.

 

Also, we face timed his older one yesterday and she kept talking about how she’s so excited about her new classes next semester.  Not ONCE did she say she wants to come live here. When she said she was going to renew her classes my H kept saying to her “yah but where”?  So it’s like he’s pushing her to want to move here. 

 

When I told him that I noticed that he was like “WHY WOULDN’T I want them here!” raised his voice and said they need to be with us.  They need to be away from those crazy people.  I stopped the convo there and said ok calm down because he was drinking and I didn’t want it to turn into something scary.

 

So I don’t even want them here from the 1st to the 5th.  Him and his sisters made their arrangements, has nothing to do with me.  THEY need to figure out where they’re going to stay.  Because she needs to visit friends here is not my issue.  Plus, I don’t want them alone at home with my puppy while him and I are at work.

 

THEN because he was on strike, child support was stopped for one month.  So he’s a bit behind.  He got it settled but she hasn’t received  it yet and said that she wasn’t flying the girls here until she got that money.  SO on top of him paying an extra $1400 to fly them here she STILL is going to get that money so she screwed him again.  Lol…he never learns

He said his sisters are the ones that got the flight and told him “you’re lucky we didn’t get a one way ticket”  He said they want his daughters here that he should move there and they could raise them. His sisters are control freaks too. Ok then, you raise them lol

 

It’s just all a big mess and pisses me off and hurts me at the same time.  I’m really hurt.

 

Am I wrong for not wanting them here Christmas week or even after for a few days?

Winterglow's picture

You keep asking if you're wrong - NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG!   Is that loud enough? I hope you are still living separately from him. How can you love someone who cares so little about you? You deserve so much better than this inconsiderate, self-centred lout.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

He's living with me.  He has been.  I just messaged him how I felt and he wrote back "Awesome!" and that's it.  

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I agree.  I just said if you have any intention of moving her here in January then you need to start finding a place.  I said you don't want to not have anywhere not to stay.  I say what I said with regards to that still stands and I'm done talking about it so please don't try to change that.  He said "thanks" and I said you're welcome lol

He really thinks that I'm going to let her move in with us...well, I'm NOT..that's NOT happening.  I promise you all and myself that.

So I'm thinking I move all of his things out while he's at his families Christmas week. I feel so bad doing it over the holiday though.  Where will him and the girls go when they come here between the 1st and 5th before they fly back home?

Winterglow's picture

Not.Your.Problem.

Anyway, there are these things called hotels ...

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I am going to do that.  But my thing right now is that things have been ok.  He's been more patient, hasn't been drinking as much, has been talking more, etc. So what is the reason suddenly that he needs out over the holiday?

From what you've read, he hasn't just magically changed?  What if his daughter moves here and things aren't that bad?

I just am scared of course..I know what I have to do but I always wonder what if?

Gimlet's picture

This is all part of the cycle of abuse.  He will straighten up for a while and then lather, rinse, repeat.

Your fear is crippling you.  Please find a good therapist to help you.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Ok.  I just thought maybe if he had his kid around full time, it would cause a big change.  He would be different.  

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Really?  Can I ask why you think that?  That's so opposite of what I was thinking.  Just super curious.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Why would you ask me something like that? No I'm not here for attention.  I'm here because I need help.  That was rude.  Regardless of if you think this is crazy or not, please don't say that to someone who is hurting and needinbg guidance.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you everyone.  I'm in tears this morning.  Feel angry, dumb, weak, sad, numb, like this isn't real, etc.  I have never had to go through anything this hard and I dont know why it's so hard for me to say just get out.  Maybe cause I'm 45 and feel old, used and abused?  Even though I hear all of the time how beautiful, kind and loving I am.  Maybe it's cause he has made me lose all of that confidence?  So I feel like I wont' meet anyone else.  Who wants a used up 45  year old? lol..I mean, most men my age are dating younger gals.  I don't know what the fear is?  Or why but I feel stuck. I can't explain. I feel so stuck.  

Anyone else here go through this?  I'm having a really hard time.  

Gimlet's picture

Please, please find yourself a therapist.  You can change the way you think, but you will need help and support. 

You know who should want a 45 year old woman?  You.  You have to find some self love or you're going to settle for the next guy who comes along or stay with this sack of crap.  You need to stop framing your existence in the presence of a man in your life.  

You are not "used up".  I'm also in my later 40's and honestly, I've never had a better head on my shoulders than I do now.  I'm cool with who I am and have pretty much stopped taking shit from anyone.  But it's taken me time and work to get here. 

Winterglow's picture

Just remember that you took him in when he was homeless and THIS is how he repays your kindness? By inviting his daughter to join him? He is using you and he's going to suck you dry.

As for finding someone else - find YOU first. 

Gimlet's picture

I'll also leave you with one my favorite poems by Charles Bukowski:

oh yes

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late

Don't be too late, OP. 

Rags's picture

You must value yourself.  So much that if anyone lays a hand on you unbidden that you will destroy them.

Take everything, put this abusive puke on the curb with the rest of his shallow and polluted gene pool and deliver the message that he made a life ruining mistake.  Prosecute, put his ass in prison, have the system go after him to take his kids nailing him for CS to pay for them while they are in foster care.

Value you.

Please.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I feel like I have never valued me. That's why I wound up here.

He of course came over and prayed over me this Mornin, invited me on a a date night to the orchestra. This is all so crazy because when he's not being guilt ridden father etc he is wonderful like no one else I've ever dated. This is why I fell so hard for him so quickly because he was like no one else that I've ever dated so many things in common so funny so charming so smart so loved by everyone so handsome I mean you name it so of course I fallen in love with the good and I'm stuck in love with a good and it's so hard to let go of what I love. 
 

I have so many changes going on in my life right now, that I can't even handle them I feel. I have this going on, I have surgery in two weeks that I'm completely freaked out about them so scared to be put under, I have a puppy coming home next week which is going to be a fun but exhausting change for me. I'm so on edge that I feel bad I was sort of mean to a coworker this morning which isn't typically like me but I'm just on edge. No I don't need to be so out of control that I wind up getting fired from my job than what you know what I mean? There's just so many things going on in my brain I can't control it and I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous break down.

 

I still have no idea what to tell him in regards to getting your things and leaving or your things are packed and you're not allowed to come back in he's always saying why bring up the past and I know that's not a good thing to do in relationships but that's kind of like what we're stuck on right now. So what do I say? Because I know he's going to say that's the pass blah blah blah and I'm going to be wound up spiraling and thoughts and questioning myself and analyzing everything. I just don't know what to say.

Rags's picture

Your abuser prayed over you?  What a hypocrite.  Press charges and nail his ass as the violent criminal that he is.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Yes.  His family is very religious.  He's had his moments.  Do abusers know they're abusive?  I'm very curious to hear your thoughts.  Not even for this particular situation but just in general.

Rags's picture

Why care if he knows he is an abuser and abusive or not?  The fact is that he is.

Press charges and end him as an influence in your life.

Ispofacto's picture

"Do abusers know they're abusive?"

Yes, read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

(spoiler: because he can and he wants to)

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

So my my daughter has me feeling really bad because shes saying that even though I'm going to be in surgery and recovering and all of that that there's no reason that they can't at least visit at some point during the holiday. That she respects what I'm doing but if it were her she wouldn't say no they can't come over. Which I don't understand how can she say that she respects what I'm doing and then say that she would do it another way? I feel like I'm getting so much support from this site my brother and my mom and my daughter is the only one who makes me question it like I'm doing something wrong. She's the only one who's making me feel bad about it.

She's like I just feel so bad because our family is so dysfunctional and she was like H and the girls are supposed to be our family and that was the most family experience that shes had and now this is happening. She was like were the kids so why are we dealing with your guys problems I don't know I just don't know I told her the same thing why does she want to see them and I guess she just does.

So now I feel like a bad mom to her for ruining the family dynamic she got used to. Am I supposed to continue to sacrifice myself? 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

And surprise surprise, the little one texted my daughter and I today out of nowhere. Looks like he's gonna be in over drive trying to make it work out for them. I feel bad because if it were a normal situation I wouldn't have to think yhe worst.

she can be super sweet and I know not her fault but I can't let this rope me in!!!! 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I just said told him it's sweet that she texted but please know that doesn't change what I said. I said I don't want you to manipulate the situation. He said no ones manipulating anything and he's tired of my mouth and the negativity. He said it's all stupid and retarded and walked away and slammed the door. So yah. That was nice. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Can he say that he lives here and doesn't have to leave? He's not on my lease. I just want to make sure I'm doing this right. I just don't know how he'll take it. Any suggestions? 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

He has things here but he's not on the lease. I was under the impression he doesn't have a right to stay here if I don't want him to. Anyone else? 

Evil3's picture

The reason you keep second guessing yourself is because like my DH, yours is a master at gaslighting you. He's got you hoodwinked into believing that you are unreasonable and totally wrong for feeling the way you do. I have a DD19 and she is very close with my SD30, a mini-wife on steroids. My DD is not in my marriage, so she does not truly get how it feels firsthand to be married to man who is having an emotionally incestuous relationship with his mini-wife. Stop talking to your DD about the issue as she would not truly understand. That's why her opinion is so different from yours and why it's much easier for her to say that she would be a gracious host to your step-demons.

If you read through my posts, you'll see what decades of hell I've been through due to that obssessive father/daughter relationship. I actually got diagnosed with Complex PTSD from it. It will not get better. Your SDs will not have boundaries. Your DH's double talk or nonsensical talk is his way of hoodwinking you and for some reason you are doubting yourself and questionning yourself. I was where you are and had that abused woman mindset, which is what keeps an abused woman stuck and co-dependent with her abuser.

Please love yourself and get that asshole out of your place pronto. You do not need him to recuperate from your surgery. With spouses like that, who needs enemies to help them recover?

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi! It's been awhile. Thank you all for the continued support. I had my surgery and am still recovering. He didn't come even though he asked. I said just stay home with the dog. He left the next day to drive two hours to pick up his kids, stay the night at a hotel and then next morning drove another two hours to go to his families. He spent that whole time, including Christmas there. He came home yesterday so they could see their grandpa who flew in from Florida. Get this, the sacrifices are immeasurable. He drove two hours from his families then dropped them off at their friends then drove thirty minutes here then went back picked them up and drove them to their cousins forty minutes away cause they wanted to see her too then drove back here. All in a few hours time cause he had to do whatever they asked. It's all over the top.

 

I have had a rough week full of depression and the recovery didn't go as I planned. For starters I had to rehome my puppy cause my daughter is allergic then him and I were text fighting the whole time cause he wasn't giving me what I needed which was a conversation and he couldn't do it cause he had company which are his kids so we fought cause I said you see it doesn't change and it's going to be worse cause you'll be seeing them less. I'm sorry but that doesn't mean you put your wife's needs last. With him it does. 
 

anyway, I know I said and told him that he wasn't bringing his kids here I feel bad for him cause his niece is in ICU and there's lots going on there. I said you can stay here I know there's lots going on and  even though you know the issues I have you said you would make changes and here's your chance to show me. I said how is the 12 year old? Has she outgrown it since you've seen her or is it worse cause she hasn't seen you for awhile? He got so upset. Said he wasn't going to stay here and be on trial with them and worry if his daughter is being affectionate that he can't do that. I said I'm not saying she can't be but you need to correct the competition and mini wife issues and I tell you this out of love and concern. I said instead of getting defensive why can't you see that I went back on my word and say something like thank you I understand and yes we'll see how it goes? He said all I had to say was ok and not the other stuff. I said of course I had to say the other stuff cause I'm letting you know why I'm going back on my word. 
 

I then told him again we don't get along and we just need to move on. I said nothing I said was bad. At all. He said he doesn't want to have rules or restrictions on interacting with his daughters and that I'll never try to stop it again. He said he's upset that he can't be spending the holidays with his family and that it's my fault cause I decided to have surgery during the holidays. I said my health is a priority!! I got it done over the holiday cause I had vacation that I would lose and I finally had the money. This is the 3rd time he has said I could have waited to have surgery. That makes me feel so bad. He said all of our arguments for the last 10 years have been my fault.  He said he only gets hos kids for two we weeks and why do I have to make out so difficult? I said don't forget why I told you not to come here in the first place. That hurt me more than you know and of course even though I know it's not true he has me questioning it. 

I had a major melt down, like a nervous breakdown as I told him I couldn't do this anymore and all of this is too much. I just had major surgery and am recovering and am devastated about the puppy and so sad that our marriage isn't going to ever work and do you know he didn't even apologize. He just closed the door and said stop crying so hard. That was such a huge slap in the face especially cause he knows how emotional and fragile I am and I've been in a severe depression. 

So yah I'm here, he's here. He's been taking care of me but today was such a bad day. And his kids who knows where they are cause he lets them do whatever. It's only going to be worse the less he sees them for all of our issues. 
 

Am I needing too hard on him? I know his feelings are hurt cause he knows I don't care to see his kids. I can't help how I feel. I just can't. 

why am I so weak? Afraid to be alone? This week I was so lonely I couldn't handle it. It's like I can't make the move knowing all I know. It's like I'm stuck. 
 

i feel terrible. I can't shake this sadness. 
 

 

StepUltimate's picture

It's a new day, a new year. Don't let yourself drown in the "Why?" and "What's Wrong With Me?" pity-party because it will only keep you paralyzed and indecisive. I am glad you keep blogging and reaching out for encouragement. 

Check out the "Surviving Narcissism" YouTube channel of Dr. Les Carter, a professional counselor and expert on Narcissists & Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as I think his free videos will help you (plus the supportive commentors who reply to Dr. Carter's helpful videos) and I know you'll appreciate Gus, Dr. Carter's sweet dog. I can tell you are overwhelmed by the intense, shameless, manipulative and ABUSIVE man and in conflict about if YOU are the Big Bad Meanie Who Caused D*ckhead's Problems... or if your gut (and most of us here on StepTalk) is right & you just need to finish kicking him out & making a permanant break. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself for ever getting involved with D*ckhead, so you can move past this NIGHTMARE (yes you are dealing with a special NIGHTMARE you don't deserve!) and onto a better phase in life.

You are worth it Sunshine! It's 2020, your first year of FREEDOM from that jerk!! And FREEDOM from being manipulated into overriding your gut instincts doing favors for abusers. Please know that you are a loveable, lovely human being who deserves basic compassion & respect, not a controlling, gaslighting, abusive, mantrum-throwing man/baby.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I know that I need to move on.  I tried.  Even after all of what I said above.  I told him I could handle another day of our problems.

 

With regards to the devil mini wife, I think that the only reason she behaves this way is cause she’s jealous and wants to be the only one in the picture.  Because again, her parents were split when she was a baby.  I have been in her life as his significant other since she was a year and half years old.  She’s now going on 13 and it’s horrible.  I can’t stand her.  It doesn’t help that she is her mother’s mini me.  I’m just so over it.  He’ll never change that.  He likes the attention too much. And it’s worse now because he only see’s them here and there. 

 

He just said this morning how he wants to get a big house so that me, my daughter, her girlfriend, his daughters and his daughter’s older sister can all live together.  He said I want all of my girls with me.  UM, my daughter is 26 years old and living on her own and why and the hell did your daughter’s older sister get looped into the mix here? I’m so lost at his level of delusion.

I said no way in hell.  So I can get looped into being at the bottom of your list again in a house full of women where I’m not the queen there and not the one in charge. So that I have to walk on egg shells and not be able to speak my piece or say a word and so that I can watch him get manipulated and walked all over.  NO FUCKING THANK YOU!!  I said go ahead and get your place with your daughters who will be back and forth giving you the run around and controlling your every move.  

It’s a shame to see my husband who is so tough and strong with me and treats me like shit when I have something to say but have no balls when it comes to his children.  It’s so backwards to me!!

Have fun with that!!! I’m so effing done.  

I thought we would do marriage counseling but I think this is too far gone.  12 years down the drain. Even if he agreed to go it would take YEARS for him to realize and change.  I’m 45 and don’t want to waste the rest of my years on seeing if it’ll change and I truly can’t take one more day of his kid and her obsession with him and vice versa.  I’ve tried to help him.  I’ve sent him literature to read. I’ve tried to get him to see that it’s inappropriate and I’m trying to help but he goes straight on the defense and says he never wants to feel again that he has to watch how he behaves around his daughters.

I can’t lie that I’m broken to the core on all of this.  My spirit is broken.  I’m so mad at myself for thinking it would ever change and for allowing him to make me think that I was the problem.  I’m devasted.

 

I don't know how to be strong enough to move on.  Strong enough to know that it's not my fault.  Strong enough to miss the parts of him that I love and strong enough to let go of the family that I tried to make happen.

 

I can't breathe.

Rags's picture

Nah, you are most definately not being too hard on him.  He has failed  you as a husband. He discounts you, your perspectives and puts his chiildren on a pedestal.  He caters to their every need while leaving you to deal with surgery, recovery and the loss of your pet alone.

Do not beat yourself up over ending this.

He earned the end. He has earned a life of being the beck and call boy to his children.  You have earned the start of a new life adventure.  Commit to yourself and when you are living a happy life a worthy partner will join you.

I hope your feel better soon.

Engage actively in the grief process and work through it.  The demise of a marriage is a major loss that requires one to grieve.

Take all of the deep breaths that you need and take care of  you.

 

sandye21's picture

His suggestion to bring all of his 'girls' into one house is absurd.  Is this some sort of crazy macho dream?  So it looks like he has a harem?  This is not about the 'girls' at all - it's about his ego.  So is his 'knight-in-shining-armor' / savior persona with SD.  This man wants to be a worshipped hero more than he wants to be a good husband or Father.

What is really pathetic is you know if the shoe was on the other foot it would be "different", right?

Good for you for standing up to this ridiculous B.S.

I try to not encourage people to split up your better than this.  You deserve more from a Husband.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you. Of course his words will be I just want to be a good husband and father and you won't let me. Then I'll be left wondering. Did I screw up? Cause what woman comes between a dad and his daughters? Right? 
 

He has so much guilt cause he's not with his kids but won't do anything to help that so he can make rational decisions. 

He just texted "Well I do want you to know that I do love you and I'm sorry for everything.  I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I'll give you your space"

 

While he's at the bar drinking. I don't even know what to tell him. I want to say some of what you said above. Or is that not a good idea? 
 

I'm crying so hard. I feel so broken. I feel like what if we did marriage counseling? But again I don't see that working. I'm sorry I feel so weak and pathetic. 
 

I appreciate this group more than you can ever know. Please don't leave me here through my crazy dysfunction. 

Rags's picture

Do not reply at all. But if you must, just say that you got his message. That is it.

Call a lawyer and start the process of protecting your best interests.  Do not wait.  He is commited to his past behaviors and the odds of him making the necessary changes are slim and none.

All IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

 

Iamwoman's picture

Oh geez. I read your post but only skimmed the comments.

You are being abused and gaslit (which is also abuse).

You are not crazy.

You are not wrong.

Your husband does not deserve you, as he is an a-hole. He has made it VERY clear that he will not change. Believe him.

Even if you had done something wrong or said something crappy to your SD's that does not give your husband the right to mistreat you. Even biological children can be crappy. God knows I've said some things I regret to my DD (apologized, but what's said is said). 
You don't owe those girls a thing. You have given and given. It is they who owe you.

 

Dont expect them to ever realize this though.

My abusive exH had two adult daughters who acted similar to yours. Despite seeing the bruises on my face, and strangle marks on my neck, they STILL sided with their dad. You can never win with skids unless both bio parents make it happen for you.

Let me repeat that: You are not in charge of your relationship with skids (obviously this means you treat skids with kindness and respect, which you do). ONLY both bio parents can make skids love and respect you.

If husband will not leave your apartment, you can always have the police escort him out unless his name is on the lease.

Winterglow's picture

I completely agree with all of this^^

Please get him the hell out of your home ASAP. You escaped from him once and you need to do it again. He is not worth the time of day. Far from being too hard on him, OP, you are not being hard enough. He does not deserve you. Please kick him out, cut all youir ties with him, block his number and get on with your life. At the same time, please see a counsellor to help you navigate and validate your feelings so you can begin to heal and so you will never take this sponger back again. If he's out on the street, walk on by and remind yourself that he is there by his own actions and it's up to him to fix his crappy situation, not you.

Be kind to yourself.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you. Yes I know. He isn't on the lease.

 

i know I'm not wrong but sometimes feel like I am because I grew up in a family that wasn't very affectionate and too close and sometimes wonder if I've been too hard. Not understanding and if I've been nit picky with his daughters.

 

I grew up in a toxic and dysfunctional environment. My grandparents raised me and gave me all the love they could but my mom and uncles and aunts all were in bad relationships. So I'm definitely dysfunctional too but I know of my issues and where I need to change. 
 

this makes me feel like I'll never find anyone because of my own issues. 

I get so sad because he is so thoughtful and sweet with certain things and is a good care taker. Really cam be the most thoughtful. Also the good of him we have so much in common.

i feel like it's all the girls fault. I can't help but to resent them sometimes. I feel guilty for that. Because of how much he shows them love over me or treats them different than me. Is that normal?

 

like I think he tries with some things that I've told him but it isn't enough.

i know I'm a perfectionist and picky. 
 

I feel like our fights have gotten so bad and nasty and I've said terrible things to him but I feel like it's cause it's all built up and I learned from him? 

 

so many thoughts racing through my head. 
 

I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi:

So on Friday had a few drinks and I guess I went to a bad place. I got upset cause I saw a picture of my surgeon and said you know what? You never even met my surgeon. Cause you weren't involved. He said again I had to watch the dog. No he didn't. I told him to just do that cause it seemed like he really didn't wanna be there. So I said some means things. That if it was his daughters he would have been there. That he has all of these Facebook posts boasting how beautiful they are and how proud he is of them but has he ever done that for me? His wife who has been there! I said you tell them all of the time that they're beautiful on front of me but never the other way around. I told him to get the eff out is my life. I told him that I hate and resent him.   So yes I was drinking so that didn't help and I was mean and hurtful. I know he's been a jerk but I feel bad. 
 

So, I made a decision last week. That I want to move. I want to be closer to the city where my family and job is and where I grew up. I told him I wanted to do that last week when we got into the argument and he said he wants all his girls living with him. Anyway, so I found a place a really nice place that I know I'll be happy at. I didn't tell him until today after I signed the lease. I felt bad keeping secrets so I told him. 

I told him. He was super calm and said like that were him it would be over. I said well you said you were looking for you and girls so I did what’s best for me. I said what are you gonna do? He said he was gonna think about it.

Because I stupidly love him I said let's go to therapy. I said just show me that you will go to the first one. Otherwise it's not a good idea for you to move with me. 
He just flipped out said no it’s not a good time with everything else going on that now he has to train this week, has to find a place, I said you just said you were gonna think about it? He said well training and now have to think about it. He said I’ve (me) have done enough in January and to add counseling is not good time. That I'm interfering with the status quo. He said I’ve (me) have done enough. That it’s Sunday, why do we have to talk and why can’t we just rest? There has to be a time or rest. I said if you’re not over everything that you say I’ve done to ruin January and the mean things I said the other night why are you here? Why are you trying to kiss me? Why? He said yah why do you wanna move with me too? And slammed the door.

I said nothing I said ruined your relaxation today he said I’m causing anxiety for him
I said me asking about counseling isn’t anxiety inducing me asking you why you’re giving me mixed signals isn’t anxiety inducing. He said I give mixed signals.  I said all of my decisions have been clear and I’ve let you know he said yah ask what everyone else thinks about your clear decisions.I said I moved from our last home cause of our issues and because you pushed me! It was a quick move to what was available!  I said cause of you I moved quickly! Cause of you!!  I said tell everyone else that ok?! Instead of making me look like the bad one! 
 

From October until now yes things have been crazy, I had to move right away because of our issues and this is the first place available so this is where I move to. Then he came along even though I said I needed time. Then I had my surgery and got a puppy that I couldn't take care of Cause I went into a serious depression. Then I now am feeling better so I made the decision to move again to the area that I want to be in. Not him or his kids but ME! I know it's a lot but I've been in a brain fog and feel like I can think straight again somewhat. He makes me feel like I'm nuts and unstable. So I'm questioning if I am crazy? Did I make a mistake? I'm panicking and feeling bad right now. 
 

Please talk to me. 

Rags's picture

No, you are not crazy. Yes, you made a mistake. He is the mistake you made.  But you are in the process of fixing that.

Take care of you.  Enjoy your new home and your new life adventure with this man and his shallow and polluted gene pool fading into your past.

 

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you! I'm panicking because I'm moving in the 1st floor of a duplex house and I'm so scared I won't be safe. Sad So this has me in a major tizzy. I've always lived on higher floors so I felt safe. This place is so nice though and very affordable I said maybe I should challenge myself, however, I don't know I would decide to challenge myself I am going to be going through with drawl had a terrible break up. So it left me or leaves me questioning if I did the right thing or if I just screwed up?

 

 

on top of that, his dear friend and my friend lives about three minutes away, so I'm so afraid that I will run into them in the area and that will throw me into a crazy funk because I'm not going to be ready to see them so I'm like why did I move into an area that's so close
 

On top of that, his dear friend and my friend lives about three minutes away, so I'm so afraid that I will run into them in the area and that will throw me into a crazy funk because I'm not going to be ready to see them so I'm like why did I move into an area that's so close? 

Rags's picture

Deep breaths. Take it one day at a time.  

I have lived in non first floor housing periodically through out my life both domestically and internationally. 13 years counting HS and college as well as a number of domestic and international assignments.  I have lived in single story or multistory homes for far longer.  I would say that my feeling of security in my housing is dependent on the environment that I am living in though overall I am not skittish about where I live.

You got this.

Enjoy your new home and life.

 

sandye21's picture

No, you didn't screw up.  It was necessary for you to distance yourself from the abuse.  As Rags advised, take a deep breath, and sit back for a while, taking in the positive things around you.  How you can decorate your new apartment.  How, when you are ready, you can make fantastic dinners for your friends.  How you are going to be gentle on yourself.  How this is only temporary.  How you are going to build yourself up.  How you will be better informed about marrying the wrong man.

There are relatives in the small town I live in that I don't particularly want to run into.  We've lived here for over 8 years and I've rarely seen them.  Once you have nurtured yourself, you will want to invite your friends over.  But you need to take time for yourself.

My suggestion is to sit down and write down your fears and why, one per page.  Then write down possible solutions under each fear.  For example, You don't feel safe o the first floor.  The reason could be that it is more accessible.  So what can you do to insure it isn't?  You could put in security cameras, add extra locks, have a code word for friends. and there are many other steps you can take.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi and thank you! Update. The other place wasn't meant to be. I was under the impression that I could get out of my current lease and made the crazy mistake of signing the other and putting a security deposit to find out today I couldn't. This is the first time I've ever done anything like that. My indecisiveness and impulses have been out of control! I've always been indecisive but not to this point! I say not meant to be cause I was scared of the unit. I prayed last night and said if it's meant for me I'll be out of the lease easily, if not, I have some more praying to do!  So it all worked out although I lost $500. The new landlord said he would let me out of it which he didn't have to considering the lease was signed by both of us. I got it all in writing. Again I'm super responsible. So yes, something is wrong! 
 

So im stuck here till September which is ok. At least i feel safe here and I can enjoy the pool this summer. It really is a nice place although the kitchen is smaller so I haven't entertained much. 
 

Anyway, now I have to tell him he has to go. He agreed to therapy in two weeks but I think that road ahead is a long one and I don't want to wait.

 

On too of that I'm sure he's always already envisioning his kids staying here for two weeks for Spring break and the summer and oh hell no!! That's not happening!! I need for you guys to keep me tough there cause I'm sure he'll try and make me feel bad. Absolutely not though! The thought makes me cringe. The space isn't big enough either but even if it was no no nooooo!! 

 

So Im waiting for him to screw up because I feel like it'll help me. If not, what do you suggest? He is going to give me a hard time even though he's not on the lease!! 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hello, I hope that everyone is doing well and safe and healthy. I’ve been missing for a bit because I’ve been going through some things and processing everything that is happening. For an update, I did let him come back to stay with the ultimatum that he had to find a place by June 1 for him and when his daughters come to visit for the summer. 

I know that you all advised against me doing that but it’s something that I had to do for myself. I couldn’t put someone out like that especially knowing that he wouldn’t do it to me. So please respect my way of doing it.

Like you Have all said and like I thought, That he wasn’t really going to do it or that he really wasn’t going to leave.  Well, he did. He moved out today.

He moved to the neighborhood that his daughters wanted to live in for social status and can’t even afford it even though I suggested to move to somewhere more affordable because there’s no guarantee that the girls are going to stay and why is he going to strap himself for where his kids want to live? Why is the adult parent can’t he make a smart decision for everybody? This is one of the main reasons amongst other things that we couldn’t be together which you all know.

He went to court for his last DUI and they made him wear a monitor bracelet for 40 days. So he hasn’t been drinking for about a month.

Of course things have been wonderful and he has been so good the last month we have gotten along great so today is extra hard.

Because I’m holding onto that. And now I’m regretting making him move because I did see this good side of him.

I am absolutely crushed to the core, I’m crying so hard I don’t know what to do with myself. This hurts so bad.

Did I make a mistake? Or are the odds superstrong that he’s going to revert to his old ways after they remove his bracelet?

I’m so messed up right now. I knew it would hurt but I had no idea it would hurt this bad. If he was still a jerk before he left it would be so much easier for me but he was it he was so good.

So please talk to me because Im in a really bad place right now.

Thank you

ldvilen's picture

Bingo!  "The odds are superstrong that he’s going to revert to his old ways after they remove his bracelet."  Cycle of abuse:  Tension building, incident, reconciliation, and then calm.  He is now “calm,” and you are all set to take him back.  Once you do, the cycle repeats itself again and again.

  1. The abuser knows how to hide and lie – abusers are master deceivers and they know how to paint themselves in good light when in public. They will show themselves to be friendly and helpful. For this reason, it can be difficult for pretty much anyone to associate them with abuse.
  2. The victim usually doesn’t know what is going on – victims of abuse are usually confused, not knowing that they are being abused. The reason is because all kinds of abuse start at the psychological and emotional level.

When this happens, the victim’s self-esteem is destroyed and she becomes a puppet in the hands of the abuser. She gradually starts doubting her own reality and at this point, she really cannot recognize harmful patterns that play over and over, the cycle of abuse.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I’ve been praying but I don’t know if I’m asking for the right things. 

I guess I’m shocked that he actually left and even though it’s not right that I’m thinking this I want him to fight for me and our relationship. It’s like now that he has his own place and his daughters are coming he’s good to go. That hurts. 

Of course he was so good before. This is what I’m holding onto. Because I saw him sober for almost a month. 

I wonder if being sober for 40 days including his kids coming that he’ll never drink again. And then what? I feel like I screwed up and didn’t give a chance and all of that. It’s what or thinking I know. But they’re my thoughts and I think that’s what I’m holding onto too. 

This goes back to what if he changes and all that from a long time ago. Slim chance I’m sure but just my thoughts. 

I just need reassurance again that I did the right thing after seeing him sober. Because again that’s what I’m holding onto.

Yes so good trae we don’t have children together. I can’t imagine how much worse this would be! 

So just need a reminder and strength. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I’ve been praying but I don’t know if I’m asking for the right things. 

I guess I’m shocked that he actually left and even though it’s not right that I’m thinking this I want him to fight for me and our relationship. It’s like now that he has his own place and his daughters are coming he’s good to go. That hurts. 

Of course he was so good before. This is what I’m holding onto. Because I saw him sober for almost a month. 

I wonder if being sober for 40 days including his kids coming that he’ll never drink again. And then what? I feel like I screwed up and didn’t give a chance and all of that. It’s what or thinking I know. But they’re my thoughts and I think that’s what I’m holding onto too. 

This goes back to what if he changes and all that from a long time ago. Slim chance I’m sure but just my thoughts. 

I just need reassurance again that I did the right thing after seeing him sober. Because again that’s what I’m holding onto.

Yes so good trae we don’t have children together. I can’t imagine how much worse this would be! 

So just need a reminder and strength. 

Catmom23's picture

The best indication of future behavior is past behavior.  He's a pro at gaslighting and is abusive.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I know. I'm thinking 40 days isn't long enough to quit forever. 

 He called and said don't be sad. I'm sad too. But this isn't the end. We're not getting divorced. I'm only 6 minutes away. I said but I'm never moving over there. I said you wanna live there cause your daughters do. I said we have to make a decision that works for everyone. He said we'll see. It's really nice here. I said we'll see? So it is about where your kids wanna live? He said I don't know. We'll see. Then threw out another area they expressed interest in. I said no it's where I wanna live too. He said you don't know what's gonna happen. I've been here one day and I'm here for one year. I can't make a decision about a year from now. 
 

So you say he did move there because it's where they want to live and even throughout another area that they mention living before. Who allows or goes by what they're 15 and 13-year-old daughters want to live? Have you ever heard of such a thing?

To go practically broke and have hardly any money left because of where they want to live for social status and because they're so high maintenance? Again 15 and 13 years old!

My mom said yesterday Not too many men leave to put their kids first.

No I know that I made him leave because I am not going to stay with his daughters here all summer in because if they're moving here I'm definitely not living with them unless I get to choose some things and make some decisions. But I thought that he would get something smaller and cheaper in the short term until we figured it out. But he went again and got a house where they want to live because all of their friends up there and because it's a very fancy area and can barely afford it and I was stuck there for a year. I tried to talk him out of that and say be sensible get somewhere that you can affordYou don't need anything in that area just for their social status and you don't need to go broke just because of where your children want to live. You're the adult and you make the decisions. But he didn't listen.

He seems to have this idea that his daughters are gonna want to stay here and live with him and even if they do I don't think their mom is going to allow that and for some reason I don't think they're going to want to or if they do they're going to go back-and-forth and he's going to have this house that he can't afford all by himself.

Is this bizarre and on another level or is it me?