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TTC for my first child — super overwhelmed

Aymey's picture

 Let me start off by saying that I have a fantastic husband who is tremendously supportive. He has two children (11 & Dirol and we have been TTC without any success. There is an age gap between us, so I am putting additional pressure on myself for this to happen sooner rather than later. DH has been extremely supportive and “isn’t worried”, while I feel completely out of control. 

 

DH and his ex had to go to a fertility clinic to conceive their  2nd child and now we’ve been told by my doctor that we need to go their as well (it’s the best one in our area). His ex is absolutely horrendous and kind of terribly omni-present. So now, I feel even worse that he’s already had all of these child firsts with her and it’s like I’m repeating that. They had their first very easily. I just feel so discouraged. I feel like, I love this man so much, why does this have to be so hard and on top of that, we have to deal with his idiot ex which serves as a reminder that he already has kids.

just feel like I’m spinning out of control and looking to you all for a bit of advice or comfort. Thank you all in advance.

Monkeysee's picture

I totally get where you’re coming from, it’s a really tough place to be mentally. DH has 3 kids (2 BM’s), and no fertility struggles that I know of (esp with BM1, which was a major oops), whereas it took us well over a year to conceive our first. That pregnancy sadly resulted in miscarriage.

I was turning myself inside out with stress and worry, which is never going to help!! The best thing you can do for your mental & physical health is to find a way to relax about it. Even the age part, stressing about it is only going to make it worse. 

It didn’t take nearly as long to conceive the second time for us, and I really think that’s because I’m much more relaxed now than I was before.

The other thing is you need to stop focusing on the fact that he’s done this before. I had my own little meltdown about this the other day, but you need to find a way to make this about you & your experience.

When you get pregnant it’ll be YOUR first, focus on that! Focus on all the things that are special to you, and leave his history with BM out of it as best you can. Those feelings will pop up here & there so having the tools to deal with them healthily is important.

Post when you need the support, there are lots of us here who understand exactly what you’re going through!!

Aymey's picture

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this. I really appreciate your support. Even with a great partner, it can be so tough!

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I've been down this road too.  My DH's ex is psychotic.  She gets pregnant so easily and can barely take care of her kids.  I have struggled with fertility in the past.  My DH and I took 2 years to conceive  and I had a miscarriage.  Now we are finally pregnant and only a few weeks from delivery.  Please try to keep your head up.  Stress really is the enemy to fertility.

STaround's picture

IMMEDIATELY make an appointment with the doctor.  

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

I can totally relate and am now on the other side, and can tell you this-- do not dwell on it! Your feelings are valid, and you're allowed to feel the way you feel, but don't allow yourself to be dragged down by trying to compare the circumstances, because trust me-- they aren't comparable.

My DH and I also struggled to conceive, and had 2 miscarriages. We were going down the path of fertility treatments when it seemed like the ghost of BM's uterus was following me around everywhere! I'd run across old ultrasound pictures of their child, baby clothes, and then I'd be registering for a magazine subscription at a maternity store and her name would be in the system (at my current address, her old one) and I'd have to explain the no, I wasn't pregnant but yes-- that's my address and I just wanted the coupons from the magazine. It was made 100% worse when I found out I was pregnant and became obsessed with comparing myself to his previous life and wife. 

What doctor did she use? Did she have a c-section or natural birth? Did she breastfeed-- oh wait, yep! Found an old picture of her breastfeeding while going through our camera one day. The whole thing seemed to haunt and taunt me, until I just decided that it HAD to stop. All of it. Right now. This is MY child, MY pregnancy, MY marriage, MY husband and it had NOTHING to do with her, at all. Everything that was bombarding me was bombarding me because I let it have control- and I needed a swift kick in the ass to get out of that trap and start enjoying my pregnancy.

I'm happy to report that once I stopped comparing, and bringing her up, and worrying about the "firsts" being used up-- I was so much happier. My child is here now, and my only regret is that I spent precious time in the beginning worrying about her, and my TTC journey felt like a race to get pregnant because she conceived ASAP. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would throw the camera away, walk out of the maternity store, put the ultrasound picture and baby clothes in a box buried in the garage and not torment myself for one second longer. The experience in the hospital birthing my child, with my husband by my side, is one of the best memories of my life AND his life. He tells me all the time how different it feels with this child, because he feels differently about me and OUR life and family together, that he didn't have with BM. And I suspect your husband feels or will feel the same way-- it's special because it is WITH YOU.

I promise you, your pregnancy and experiences will be so unique and life altering for both of you, it will not and cannot be the same and compared to what he's done before. In addition to that, this child has the benefit of having both parents in the home, loving them intensely-- and that feeling is one in a million

Aymey's picture

i cannot thank you enough for this response. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m so happy everything has worked out for you and I’m going to do my part to switch my attitude and get this show on the road!

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

I know it's not easy, and it's sometimes easier to wallow in the fact that we've been robbed of some firsts-- but you'll be so much happier if you don't let it creep in and be all consuming. Someone on this site once told me all that stuff is just "noise", and it was so true. Now every time I feel myself getting all worked up over something regarding BM or DH's old life, I just remind myself that its noise, and it's taking away from my family and happiness to dwell on it