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Troubles with SD - not what you think

ccoyle04's picture

I'm not sure how many people have this problem, but I really just would like some advice, maybe someone to tell me I am not a terrible person. My husband's 12 yo SD came to live with us full time in June of 07. She is a typical well behaved 12 yo. She gets straight A's without even trying, an attitude sometimes, but who didn't at 12? Anyway, SD tells me the other day that "she loves me more than anything in the world, sometimes more than daddy, but don't tell him though". In the beginning, I thought that it was endearing that she enjoyed spending time with me, and wanted to live with us full time (Less CS he has to pay to BM -- way less actually, like $800! yipee) Now, BM is not really a bad person, at least not to the kids. She hates me, but most of us know how that feels. A little negative, and a little miserable at times, but she tries. I am the exact opposite. I am usually a very upbeat person, always trying to get them to laugh and talk and stuff like that. Now, SD lately has been very clingy. When I try to go do something on my own(which is like hardly never) she tries to give me this guilt trip that I don't spend any time with her. I take her to school every day, take her home every night, she goes shopping with us, she goes everywhere we go, including to the biweekly meetings of the fire department. I don't take her to training with me, or to classes (which are rare) I go to dinner with a friend once a month, and if I am not home by her bedtime, boy do I get the evil eyes. So, most people complain that the SK's are terrible horrible and such, but I don't have that problem. I want to make sure that I don't turn her away, she almost idolizes me, it seems. I don't want to be idolized. Last night, she finds out that I have some training to go to, and all of a sudden, "I don't feel good" So I ask her whats wrong, she says "I don't know....I feel down" And I so think that it is just a game she is playing, because she didn't seem down a few hours before that. I'm sure some of it has to do with hormones (she started her monthly cycle in September -- still has yet to tell her mother, she doesn't want to.) We've had the "sex talk" the "about my body" talk..... the "drug talk" I really think that these type of things are things that her BM should be doing. But, I am happy to do them anyway. So,is there anyone who might be able to give me some advice how to handle this type of behavior. Oh, I forgot to mention, there is a 9 YO SD that lives with the BM. 12 yo hates her to come and visit, and when she does, she gets downright nasty. Doesn't want her sister around. I just don't get it.

stepwitch's picture

YOU ARE A VERY GOOD NORMAL PERSON FIRST OF ALL !! Remember the eldest was the only one for a while, until her sister came along. She likes the attentions. I know that my 12y BD does. Here's the deal, You give her so much one on one time and she doesnt want to share. That is very normal. Step or bio. She is jelous of you spending time with anyone but her whether it is dad, sister, friend. Her BM is also more than likely a victim of her jealousy.

AINT LIFE GRAND??? You are doing great!

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

ccoyle's picture

I guess I am lucky that I have good Step Children. They give me more respect than their BM... and really, like I said, she's not a terrible person, just parents different than I do. The 12 yo will tell you, her mother lives in DE...I'm her mom. Is there a way that would be gentle to help her realize that she shouldn't be jealous? I really don't want to hurt her feelings, and I worry that it is insecurity that causes her to do this. I am always stressing communication, between all of us! It's not easy. Her and her father are exactly alike. I want her to spend time with friends, stuff like that. I practically have to force her to do stuff. I just don't think that is healthy for a 12 yo. My husband and I have no biological children of our own. When we discussed(openly) the idea of having a child, or adopting one... boy did she get upset. Started saying things like I didn't love her, never did. Stuff like that. I am seriously considering counseling for her, but not sure if I should go that step or not.