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triggers and 7 months sobriety down the toilet

IAmTheMeanOne's picture

after dh had gone to a therepist about how to deal with ss14 issue...therepist came up with plan for dh to bond with ss and not write him off completely...he is to spend time with ss once or twice a week (no video games just actual communicating)...the goal was for ss and dh to bond and dh to "parent" the dh had the plan to go to the parents house (because it seems that bm is refusing custody) and work half the day on friday and the other half hanging out with ss...

dh made this plan...yet it stressed him to the point of tossing 7 months sobriety and hit up a bar thursday night...i had my daughter drive me to the bar because the fool drove my (brand new) car...he was sloppy when i went and told him i was taking the car (i promise i did not white trash out!)...i called his mom to pick him up and she sent his sister...well he had a fit when they taking him out and she thought he was having a seisure and called the ambulance...

so...7 months sobriety down the pissed daughter refuses to talk to him...and he is apoligetic and shamed yadda yadda...his family is all...poor dh we have to make him happy and that mean old wife of his is keeping ss away!  sis in law confirmed they do not believe word one of my claims against ss...whatever...they can fly a fig for all i care...

the worst part is no one believes that ss is dh's trigger for drinking....does that mean i blame ss for dh's alcoholism...not at all...that falls on dh 100%...dh most certainly needs some sort of councelling to help with that trigger...but it does not help that his parents call every single day to berate dh about not taking ss home....i swear i really wish he would cut them all off.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It sounds like the dysfunction goes back generations. Your in-laws are a big part of the problem based on some of your previous posts. Were it me, i wouldn't have called his mother, but i'm not in your shoes and don't know how bad he would have been if you hadn't. She called an ambulance, though, so idk how much worse it could have been! All you can do is take care of you and your child. I'm sorry you are going through this! 

ESMOD's picture

His son has behaved in a way that is not going to win any prize, but you can't put your DH's relapse on his son either.  Your DH deals with things in an unhealthy way.. and perhaps he just wanted a drink and he wants to blame the stress of the plan for his son as the reason?  

If it wasn't his son.. it would be "your" fault.. in some way.. living a sober life is not always linear... we are currently watching a friend of ours try to go down this path.. and it's not always a smooth and narrow path unfortunately.. he just needs to pick up.. go to meetings and resolve to do and be better. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yep. Genetic predisposition plus deep-seated behavior and coping patterns is the cause. A person can control one of those, but it's not easy. 

IAmTheMeanOne's picture

but his parents...they helped create the monster that is ss...but they will belittle and pester dh is just toxic...dh has been diagnosed bipolar...but somehow got judged by the in laws that he had to take dh stopped taking meds..dumb

god...they are all such liars...i dont know how i let myself be so blind...dh wasnt always this crappy...and the parents are so judgy and wishy washy...they have lied throughout the years as well...i have zero respect for liars...

no...i certainly do not blame ss...but ss is dh's trigger...years of teachers phone calls...neighbors attitude on the home...dh started drinking more and more and more....dh has always been afraid to punish ss because ss would go back to bm and dh was afraid they would be back in court...dh has always been scared to death of bm...the inlaws have always berated dh for not playing with ss every second of the day...and how dare we have another child...and poor ss he has had such a bad life because his parents are divorsed....

dh was finally pulling himself out of the drinking by staying sober and actually getting help with a therepist and he had a plan with that therepist but he let his damn parents talk him out of his plan and break him with their constant judgments.   


Rags's picture

It is his fault. No one elses.

The toxic spawn and his parents, are a separate issue.

Time for him to go for his idiot parents' throats, and SS's as well. Instead of running to his addiction, he needs to attack his triggers instead of running from them.

IMHO of course.

IAmTheMeanOne's picture

ss triggers him...and he gets overwhelmed and runs to the bottle to forget...honestly i do not understand but i have a problem solve personality and not a do anything to forget personality...

so we were talking about this last night...and he is mad because he has to do all of this all by himself...and he doesnt think that ss should be over at his parents....he is right on the parents should not be there he should be at bm's...but somehow ss ended up with the in one knew how it happened but suddenly dh made some excuse last night that he was supposed to keep ss the summer until school starts...ayfkm?  since jan 1 i have been asking what the schedule is and it changes...effing weekly...and i have no right to make plans or expect a matter of fact...i need to bend and allow ss back in my house...NO! no no no! it really is dont want the kid...the in laws dont want the kid...dh really doesnt want the kid (he makes a show because his parents pester the crap out of him daily)...but no one will put in the work to help the hands have been tied...dh and the in laws have made sure to that with all the years of letting him cuss at my face, disparage me to him, and just plain telling him i hate him (fwiw i NEVER said that...dh 100% did on several occasions)...and when dh does get advice from a therepist, he makes excuses not to implement a plan to help the kid...

I cant trust that ss has matured (in 7 months-not on your life) and wont cause chaos here...i have my son to protect...maybe...just maybe nothing will happen...but i am not willing to take that gamble...not with my son...especially when...what...3 weeks ago he was back at acting the fool and making sexual moans with his friend at the pool?  he dont listen to dh...and dh dont make him until he looses his temper...then the in laws will belittle dh because he lost his temper and shouted...(you know...only bad parents yell at a poor sweet and innocent child!)

i try to be supportive...when dh first said ss would be here eowe...i supported that dh was going to his parents house to hang out with ss...i was not going to sit at home and wait for him...that is stupid... i wanted to make plans for myself...but now it has turned into every single weekend and idk what is going on until an hour before it happens...i may get lucky and get a 24 hour notice but that is rare...for instance...i ask dh what his plans were for today because he was supposed to go to his parents to work as per the therepist suggestion to "make a presence for ss"...i work from home on fridays so ds can stay with me...i have a dr appt afterwork and i can take ds no worries...i just wanted to know an estimate of when dh will be home i need to make dinner?  if not then i will take ds dh was all butthurt that we would go out to dinner without like how many times just this month did you go out with your parents to dinner? how many dinners did you eat at your parents?  all when we were not there nor did you bring us anything home? but i take my son to dinner and it is just "not fair" to dh?  seriously are you a baby?

dh just wants me to do the work for him...and i refuse...just because i am his wife he thinks that i just should...not anymore....if my thoughts and ideas are put down ...and they certainly have been...where i have 0 say in any matter concerning ss....why am i obliged to do anything other than support visitation outside my home? am i supposed to let his aggression get worse with my son until he gets hurt?  am i supposed to allow him to watch porn in his room all day and night? what about cooking at 2am and playing video games (while loudly screaming) until 4am...? the bitch for saying anything to him and if i finally bring dh into the mix i am the one getting yelled at and lord help if the in laws catch wind that i made the boy go to sleep or refuse him food at 2am! not living that way.

IAmTheMeanOne's picture

it boggles my mind..fil was a was telling me that even at fil worst he wasnt this divorsed the fool and had a child with another man before you took him back?  dh will have a fit when he is drunk...last time "he stopped breathing" and they were doing cpr on the holds his breath and then is dramatic when he inhales...the dr confirmed no cpr was given...same with the "seisure" this evidence of a seisure...