Trial separation
Forums:
Anyone of have thoughts of a trial separation? I can’t deal with my SD living with us and my H being so delusional that she is happy.
I am becoming miserable in my relationship with him and want a break.
I don’t even know how a separation would work. We can’t afford to live in two separate homes.
Anyone go through this?
I have not gone through a
I have not gone through a trial separation, but did leave my SO. My last straw was his son's horrible behavior and nothing being done about it.
The first thing you need to do is figure out how you can support yourself and your children. Your husband will have to contribute to your shared children's support and may have to pay you spousal support depending on your state's laws. But, you should always be prepared to support your children up to 100%.
You should consult with one or more attorneys regarding state law and best AND worst case senarios.
Is DH
Is DH the younger girls' biodad or stepdad?
Biodad
Biodad
This seems drastic. Have you
This seems drastic. Have you even told him you are unhappy and want her to move out?
No I haven’t said I want her
No I haven’t said I want her to move but even if I do, that won’t be an option. It will be an argument and honestly he is treating her like 10 year instead of an adult
I work full time we both just have a lot of expenses together and a lot of debt
Please don’t tell me you’re
Please don’t tell me you’re afraid of speaking up because you’re worried about an argument. What’s worse... telling your man how you feel or seething in silence? I don’t see how you have much of a marriage if you can’t vocalize what’s bothering you. At least give him the opportunity to work with you. Seems kinda rash to want to separate without working with your partner on a compromise- which could be a move-out date for his daughter or other provisions like helping her with a down payment on an apartment.
I say this because it’s perfectly rational for a woman to NOT want to live with another unrelated woman unless by choice...and even if you choose it, it’s still hard. Sounds like you weren’t given much of a choice. I wonder if you would have spoken up before hubby moved his daughter in would it have made a difference. How can you value a relationship in which you can’t speak up about your needs and desires?
I have had a separation.
I have had a separation. First thing you need to do it visit a lawyer and see what you are up against with your debt and expenses, Your profile says CA and that is different from most of the rest of the country. Knowledge is power and the more you know the better you can prepare. He needs a wake up call of the steel beam kind and spelled out settlement situation might be the ticket you need. Will he be able to support SD18 in college AND divorce you? Of course you will have your ducks in a row.
BTW, we were separate for 18 months . That was years ago and are back together for years. It doesn't always end up in divorce but you need to be prepared for it. Until he can put the marriage first and foremost, its doomed IMO.
I totally sympathise
SD16 has lived with us for the last year and is staying with us full time for the last 2 years of school. It is a nightmare.
My first baby is due in 4 weeks. I do not want her living with us at all especially not with the baby boy that I’ve killed myself to have with IVF. I’ll never like the little bitch because of how awful she was when I had 2 miscarriages in the last 2 years. Yet she would prefer to live with me and her dad than her own mother?
I can’t stand the sight of her.
Luckily, your SD is 18 and an adult. Don’t throw the towel in on your marriage if it is an otherwise good one. Instead, get SD to move out and start shifting for herself. I’m sure you don’t want your own children going between 2 homes and having to navigate steplife.
I will be honest...
I will be honest... separating from your husband seems like an extreme response to having his polite, working student daughter in your home. I believe there have been several suggestions that would give you time alone with your husband.
1. You could enlist the SD into babysitting duty so you and your DH could go out for the evening.. there are many free or close to free things you could do outside the home together.
2. You could be watching TV in another room aside from the living room.
3. You could also give your SD more time to get acclimated.. not everyone moves at the same social speed and community college is tough because there may not be many people in her age range.. since many of the students can be returning to school types.
I mean, I understand you feel "invaded".. but she can't be having an easy time of it because you can't possibly be hiding your displeasure with her very well. It is no fun to be socially awkward and know that you aren't wanted.. and unfortunately.. she probably doesn't have a lot of options at the moment. Maybe if you could make more of a connection with her you might be able to confide in her that you need a little down/alone time with your DH.. just the two of you.. at least a few nights a week?
The problem is that your husband is likely taking anything you say as a criticism of his daughter.. who really doesn't seem like too bad of a person.. just is underfoot and her existence is what is driving you nuts. Maybe if you didn't complain as much about her.. but more about the situation.. that might help?
"Honey, I just miss having time where we could be together.. just the two of us. It's nothing against your daughter.. but I need to have time together with just you during the week. I feel so badly for her that she doesn't have much else to do.. what do you think we can do to help her get more settled in here?" Maybe suggesting she get a job at a restaurant.. waiting tables or hostessing.. because those hours do tend to be on weekends and in the evening?
I think you should try to
I think you should try to work on your communications with your husband about the situation in your home before pulling some threat (that may be empty) out on him and making it some "her or me" ultimatum.
But.. before you have the talk with him.. you need to do a little soul searching and be honest with yourself.
Will you really be happy with improvements... or is the only thing that is going to make you satisfied is to watch her tote her suitcase out the door.. never to darken your doorstep again? will you only be happy if your husband is parent to your kids and basically ignores his older daughter?
Or... would it be enough if she could find a reason to be out of the home one or two nights a week.. and further maybe another night or two she could hang in her room while you and your DH watch some TV together? You also have two younger kids.. maybe it would be ok if she hangs out with the 4 of you but when they go to bed.. it's adult alone time for you and your DH for the most part?
If it's the former and there is no solution other than "she can't be in my house".. I am not sure how that will play out.. because it sounds like the girl isn't really doing anything that is "bad".. she is just "there"... and it seems like this is theoretically a short term situation (2 years for CC).. and if it were me, I would figure out a way to deal with it for the sake of my husband.
If you truly think a little more alone time is all you really need to make things bearable.. then you need to say exactly that. Now, it can be a tougher sell if you have been a negative nancy about his daughter to him a lot.. he will have his back up.
But.. you need to approach it a little delicately.
"Honey, I know you enjoy having SD here with you but I don't feel we get much time to spend together now.. without her or our other kids being around. I really need to have some time where it's just the two of us. I like SD and I know she is your daughter but when she is always hanging out with us.. I just feel we are losing our connection. I'm also a little worried that she is not happy here. She doesn't seem to have any friends etc.. what do you think we can do to help her get out and do some things so that we can all have some more independant time?"