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Off topic... Guys I think my SO is cheating on me!! How can I get more proof?

Bearhugs33's picture

Hi everyone

I really need your thoughts on something that happened, as it might be an indicator that my SO is cheating. We both live together.

On Friday when we went home after work my SO told me he was going to take out the trash and also pass by the liquor store to get a beer. The liquor store was around the block and it was 9:30 pm. I got a texted message from him while he was out and it said: "Hey, how are you? I can invite you to go somewhere sometime. Wherever you want". It was a message that didn't make sense and maybe it was for someone else???? That's what came into my mind because of these reasons:

#1 He's been distant lately and doesn't text much. When I ask why he doesn't text he says he's too busy at work. I feel like a fool texting first all the time.

#2 it doesn't make sense that he would send me a text when he went out for a moment and was going to come back right away.

#3 We never talked about going anywhere and the message says he was going to invite someone out. I don't think he would say that to me if we live together and always go out.

I confronted him and asked him to let me see his phone and he wouldn't let me. He kept telling me he felt offended that I didn't trust him. As far as the text, first he said it was probably his phone acting crazy and then he said that the message was for me and he was just playing and wanted to fantasize about being a random guy asking me out. We do fantasize sometimes but I really find it hard to believe that. I don't want to throw away 2 years of relationship over a text message. I would like more proof to see if he's cheating. But how will I find out if he's very protective of his phone??? He only goes to work and home and he's with me on the weekends. I don't see with whom he could be cheating unless it's his EX, the mother of his children. They have children in common so they talk once in a while. 
what do you suggest for me to find more evidence?

advice.only2's picture

If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't have tried to gaslight you, hidden his phone and then tried to pretend he was "fantasizing" Personally I would walk away, I wouldn't need anymore evidence than what he just gave me. My time is more valuable than to be played like that, and I have too much self respect to get down in the dirt with a cheater and play mind games.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I typed out a long reply, but deleted it. His response to you confronting him says he was probably up to no good. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

If he is hiding his phone from you that's a reason to question his behavior. The best thing to do is pretend to let it go and just sit back and watch and not say anything.

As long as he thinks you don't think anything he will be careless and if he is doing something wrong you will find out.


ndc's picture

Why bother with evidence?  The trust is gone, and mine would be too after his reaction.  Once the trust is gone, the relationship isn't worth it in most cases.  Don't lower yourself by trying to "catch" him.  Just make your exit plan and be done with him.  It doesn't sound like you're getting much from the relationship anyway.

Lifer33's picture

Was going through your previous posts. He hardly sounds like he's doing you any favours in life, or treating you well as it is :( 

But if you want proof he's no good... Is his phone passworded? If not wait until he's asleep and go through it. Failing that if you have another phone that'll take his sim? Sometimes whatevers on there will just pop straight up on a different handset 


Thumper's picture

Do you have access to the cell bill?

 I would start checking the bill---calls and texts. Start building your case.

Your gut is usually right...follow it. Nothing wrong with checking the cell phone bills either. It will confirm stuff.

Cell phone logs do not lie. People lie but cells dont.




Cover1W's picture

My ex, who was cheating on me (denied, denied, denied) once left me and my uncle and his wife at a restaurant as we were getting ready to leave said he needed to go get some gas for the truck so I could ride home with them.  This was around 8:30 pm or so.  We're all like, "Whaaaat...?" ok then. So we go home and he arrives a while after we get back.  Too long for just a 'gas run.' I think he was likely meeting the woman at the bar around the corner - I think she worked there at one point. He was also a huge emotionally abusive *sshole.

So go with your instincts.  I eneded up, after more fishy situations, reading his texts and found emails as well. Then I printed them, left them on a counter with a note telling him I was filing for divorce and I was done.

I don't condone snooping unless you have a valid reason and that text you received is fishy enough.


Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I never had proof my ex was cheating on me. I highly doubt the fact that he was dating his secretary immediately after we broke up was a mere coincidence. But that was neither here nor there, ultimately it didn't matter. I ended the relationship because of the way he was treating me. It wasn't the way I deserved to be treated and he wasn't willing to change. He was being a terrible boyfriend and I was not happy.

CLove's picture

Theres a great website that I want to refer you to. Firstly, do you really want to "catch him completely" so that you have proof? Do you really want to be the "relationship police" and having to monitor, record, research, hire a PI...?

You say you dont want to throw away 2 years over "nothing". According to your previous posts, what you currently have is "nothing". Worse actually because its eating away at your self-esteem enough that you think of staying in this to "conserve time".

You can take care of that in therapy later. You arent married to him, you can move onward from this.

Heres the website:

"Leave a cheater gain a life"

lieutenant_dad's picture

What do you need more evidence of? The fact that he sent the message (which any sane person would read as cheating) and didn't immediately hand over his phone to let you look through it (even if he was cheating, he'd have had time to delete everything being that he wasn't home, so now I think he's lazy AND a cheat) has destroyed all trust you have in him. That's the relationship killer here.

Don't look at it as wasting 2 years. Until last night, I'm sure you had fun together and learned new things about yourself. No, it didn't end how you'd imagined, but it was 2 years of experiences that will shape who you are. 

Don't stay because it has been 2 years. If you stay, it needs to be because he proved that he wasn't cheating (which should be as simple as handing over his phone and looking for a few different things). He's not willing to do that.

ETA: Given all his other rancid behavior in your previous posts, this act should be the nail in the coffin. You don't need proof that he's a cheater when you have proof that he's a lazy, poor-parenting, leeching a-hole who doesn't even own his own car.

Winterglow's picture

OK, so I went back and read over your past posts too. All I can say is that if I'd received that particular text from such a louse of a guy, I'd have had his bags packed and waiting for his return and the doors double locked from the inside. He's a millstone round your neck, he leeches on you, uses you, breaks promises to you, is rude to your family, invites his kids over without so much as asking if they can stay, pays the utilities occasionally, doesn't cook dinner for you when you work all day, isn't supportive of you when you have a bad day, doesn't pay his fines, wants to drive your car without a licence ... And all this in YOUR house! Kick the bugger out! This should have been the last straw for you!

Stepdrama2020's picture

My ex DH left me for BM, yes sounds crazy but true.

Trust your gut. He changed his answers and will not let you see his phone. GUILTY!

Trust your gut. Once he is gone you will feel so flipping lighter, relief will sweep over you.