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Told them the truth today... oh the drama that will come our way now

discfocused's picture

So fss10 has been asking a lot of questions about why his dad, me and his mom dont get along and he has been upset that he has not been able to spend more time with his dad and about the fact his mom gets so mad at him for wanting to be with his dad more. We had a conversation a few weeks ago after we went and saw a movie why he cant spend more time with his dad. I told him he needed to talk to his mom about it. He was too scared to tell his mom that he wanted to so he told her that I said he needs to tell her that he should be spending more time with his dad. She called fdh all pissed off about it but fss10 admitted he said that because he didnt want her to be mad.

Well we have them for our 2 weeks outta the summer and today on the way back from the zoo he asked me why his mom doesnt like him to be with his dad and why she smacks him and grounds him for wanting to be with his dad. I told him it was because she is selfish and the only reason he sees him now is because the judge makes her and that since he wants to spend more time with his dad that his dad is going to go back to the judge and ask for more time. He asked why she is like that and I told him it was just one of the many things that he would start to realize as he got older. He asked what else had happened and I told him his dad took her to court because she kept him and his sister away from his dad for over 6 months before. She has also told his dad that anything they have ever come home with (easter presents, sourveniers from outings) she has thrown away after they go to bed. You could tell a lightbulb went off in his head when I said that because he said "I knew it!" and said several things that had gone missing that his dad had given him.
She is prolly going to be pissed when they go home because they will both lash out at her but for real I think if he is old enough to ask about these situations, he is old enough to know the truth. Its really getting sad that he does not want to be at his moms house and she gets pissed off because he in comfortable here vs her house where she has alcoholic losers moving in and out of her house every few months. Currently she has 2 other adults and 3 kids living with her and these 2 kids in a 3 bedroom house. SInce she is single now she has been blowing up fdh's phone. When she called 14 times Monday morning he finally set his phone to send all her calls directly to voicemail because he could not even get work done (he is on the phone most of the day for work with dispatch). This psycho is pathetic. He has been paying child support but she claims she has not been getting it even though it is coming directly from his checks. Last time she went over there she laid into him saying her panic attacks, depression, etc was all his fault. She really needs to stop blaming him for all her problems. Seriously he is actually a dad who wants to be in his kids lives and pays child support but nothing is good enough for her.

discfocused's picture

Havnt told him yet. I plan on it when he gets home. I think fss10 is starting to realize his mom is not quite right. He has not asked about her at all, to call her, NOTHING. Court is already over but he is taking her back. His son has been burned by a person living in her house 2x, people are always moving in and out, he was hit by a car when he was 7 because she allows them to go out and run the streets, etc. BM has been making it look like dad doesnt give a rip about the kids and its not right. THey need to know that he has fought for them and wants them in his life. The only thing I told them was that their dad took them to court because their mom kept them away from them for way too long. I didnt mention anything else about it. And I think they have a right to know that she throws things away that he sends for them. I keep telling him that he needs to talk to his mom about wanting more time with his dad and he is too scared because she punishes him for it. And fdh has already told her he will be taking her back for more time so that wont be anything new to her. I agree with you confused68, there are situations that kids should know certain things. Its not right they think their dad does not want to be with them. I did not show him papers or anything though.

discfocused's picture

It was so tempting to keep going about all her crap to them but I didnt. It was sad the other day ss10 and sd6 were arguing about a dog that it was one or the other that left the gate open at their moms and the dog had gotten out. The sad thing is bm admitted to fdh that she took the dog to the pound and told them they left the gate open and it ran away; because she promised them she would not get rid of another dog (they have gone through about 8 in the past 2 years because she gets puppies and then gets rid of them when they get older). sd6 made the comment about how her mom doesnt love them and I told her that wasnt true that both her parents loved them but they dont always make the right decisions. SO while yes I vented and let info out, it could have been much worse.

Orange County Ca's picture

Answer only his questions and don't elaborate on other issues. Use age appropriate language. Other than that the truth is appropriate just make sure you don't exagerrate or you'll be untrustworthy also.

BM's often dig their own graves which is what she is doing.

Think twice about getting married. Why willingly do this for the rest of your life? Yes rest - because kids never really go away and as sweet as they may be today the teens and adult years are coming.

discfocused's picture

They are not all that sweet right now...lol I am not going to not marry him because of his kids. I dont play mommy to them but I am there for them. I think bm is a horrible mother but she is their mother and I am 100% aware of that. I think fss10 is not happy with all the drama that goes in at her house and wants the stability that is at our house. He want to be with his dad more and I think is questioning why that is but he needs to know that his dad does want him here.

keeponstriving's picture

^^^Yes the step child, adult years may be worse than the childhood. I have had the misery of knowing my SO's daughter between the ages of 25 to 32 years old. Horrible, passive aggressive, lying, manipulating daughter wife. Now, I am the invisible girlfriend. I try very hard to disappear when SOdaughter plans an event. I have no time for her misery in my life.

Maroma1984's picture

My personal opinion is they may still be a bit young for you to tell them that knowledge. Especially the 6 year old.

If you are going back to court , the mother may use this against you too.

I want to tell my SD11 how fucking crazy and controlling her mother is all the time, but I don't want to be the person that starts stuff up between her and her mother. She will always love her mother and in the end she'll pick her over me, which is the way it should be.

discfocused's picture

Yeah the 6 years old is too young to understand. It really pissed me off in the moment when he talked about how she grounds him for wanting to be with his dad. I made sure that I did tell them their mom does love them but they do have a right to want to be with their dad. They tried going into all this stuff about how their mom does this and that wrong but I stopped them and told them that she is not a horrible person and this is not bashing mommy time but that they just need to understand that their dad does want to be with them and spend time with them. lol trust me I want to do that same thing with telling them how big of a psycho she is, but I bit my tongue.

Maroma1984's picture

What I would do is inform his father when he tells you something like this. Let him deal with the situation and the BM.

I'm one of the first to bash my BM, but on the same hand you have to realize how hard this is for them too. Imagine the people you love the most not wanting to be with you. She's being immature about it, but you shouldn't worry about it.

You don't want to end up being the bad guy in all this. When the kids get older if you are still around they may resent you for telling them that stuff.