For those of you with less than loving feelings for step kids
I have two SD ages 9 and 12. For a whole list of reasons, I just don’t like them. Many of the reasons are due to resentment related to finances and their mother which I realize is not their fault, but despite a lot of therapy I can’t stop resenting them. I also find them to be truly annoying and weird humans that I simply don’t like to be around.
My husband knows all of this and is much more tolerant than I would be because I am honest about my opinions. He seems to think that I actually deep down do like them and that in time I will come around and this is the reason that he can deal with the situation. We got into a huge fight this past weekend about the little life ruiners, and he made some comment that if I can’t accept them that I “need to let him go.” This caught me off guard. For one, until recently his kids have treated him like crap. I financially supported him to get more custody and once he got what he wanted I became less important. He of course denies this is the case. I asked him “what if I can’t ever love them?” He said, “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”
I have no idea what that means, but I can tell you this. I do not like them, and the best I can hope for is to tolerate them. I will never love them. Unless they change from night to day, I can’t see myself ever even liking them. As it stands, I can barely stand to be in a room with them. I fake it for the sake of my husband.
I am unhappy when they are here, and I am unhappy almost all of the time they aren’t here because I am dreading them coming back so much. I am embarrassed to even be in public with them because they are so annoying and weird. I should also mention they played a much smaller role in his life when we got married than they do now.
Here are my questions.
1) If any of you really despise your step kids do you have a good marriage still, and if so how do you do it?
2) If I know that I will never love these kids, or even like them, should I just cut my loses and move on now? I feel like if I don’t learn to love them that my husband is gonna drop me like a hot potato based on that comment about crossing that bridge when he comes to it.
"I am unhappy when they are
"I am unhappy when they are here, and I am unhappy almost all of the time they aren’t here because I am dreading them coming back so much."
Wow. It's like you are reading my mind.
I'm still thinking of an answer to your question, but I wanted you to know right now that you are not alone in these feelings.
I can't stand my SKIDs yes,
I can't stand my SKIDs yes, and I feel I have a good marriage. I have been with my DH since 2002 and at the start, I tried and tried for a good relationship with them, but it didn't work out because of the NPD BM and her hatred of me. This dated back to before I met her, and no, I did not break up her marriage. They had separated long before I came on the scene.
For the first years I was with DH, (SDs were 5 & & when we met) I hid the fact that I found his children difficult, demanding and unpleasant. As time went on, they became teenagers, and I got older and more confident, more bolshy too - I thought - why the hell should I have to pretend to feelings I don't have? His daughters were frequently awful to me, and very hard work for him, too.
He is now aware that I don't care for his daughters and that I don't want them in my house EOW. I have been disengaged for a decade. DH is actually very tolerant of this, he acknowledges his daughters are not easy to love. I feel if this were not the case, it would be a very different prospect. His ex wife has been a constant source of stress, and this is only now starting to lessen.
DH gets on very well with MY daughters, who are 30 and 28 - they were 19 and 17 when we met, and they have always been polite and respectful to him. This has grown into a genuine affection between them.
If your DH is intolerant of the fact that you don't like his kids, then maybe the relationship IS on shaky ground. But this is probably because he is burying his head in the sand about what they are really like. I would have loved a relationship with my SDs, but I have not been allowed to have one by their mother. I would also recommend you read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin, if you have not already done so. It is a brilliant book.
Doesn't sound like a good
Doesn't sound like a good situation for you. How long have you been married?
They're still young too, so you have a long road ahead. 9 and 12.
I felt the same way you did and my therapy didn't help either. But, my feelings toward stepdevil14 were (and still are) personal after she's lied, manipulated and tried her very best to destroy my relationship with her dad.
In answer to your questions:
1. The ONLY reason our marriage is still good is because of two reasons: My husband puts our marriage first and stepdevil lives with her mother full time now and is estranged from us. Had she still been visiting regularly and lying and trying to separate us, I doubt I would've ever married DH.
2. If you KNOW for a fact that things won't change, it may just be better for you to cut your losses and move on now. He's obviously not going to change how he feels about you loving his kids. You can't force someone to like someone they don't. That won't change if he's delusional about your feelings.
Good luck!
What is his definition of a
What is his definition of a relationship between adults and their parents? For many people it is seeing each other multiple times a week, talking on the phone several times a day. For others it means living hundreds if not thousands of miles apart with pretty separate lives - visits and chats but not a discussion of what was for breakfast each day.
If he expects his children to be up his ass the rest of his life vs being independent young adults then no you probably should not stick around. It's really not about his choice to leave you. It is about your choice not to be unhappy the rest of your life.
It's a long, long time until
It's a long, long time until they are adults. Your husband has unrealistic expectations of you. Read a while on this site, and you will get a better idea of what's ahead. Do you really want to be with your DH so much that you are willing to endure your own unhappiness for the rest of your life? Maybe they should let YOU go.
I dislike my ss15 intensely.
I dislike my ss15 intensely. I've been with his dad since he was 1. We've been custodial, done visitation, and are now currently estranged from the kid. I loved him at first-but over the years things turned really ugly.
There was a period of probably 4 years or so in which we did visitatin and I did not care for ss. He did not care for me. We made our marriage work despite this (I cant say it was ideal or great, but we made it). How we did it was 1)limited visitation-he was here eowe-but didnt get here til almost 9pm on Friday and left on Sunday morning at 10am due to bm's work schedule. Sweet. 2)SS had lots of issues with MY kids so I typically encouraged my kids to stay with friends at those times or I did something with them 3) For my benefit as well-I often busied myself with my kids or whatnot-we stopped doing "family activities" probably when ss was about 11ish-well, when he was there we stopped doing them-last family vaca was when he was 12 and I said never again and stuck to that. We vacation just with my kids. 4)I honestly tried-I spent maybe about 8 or 9 years caring very much and being very involved with ss-anytime dh tried to tell me I needed to do more or whatnot I just reminded him of how much I put in-I truly feel no guilt as I know I gave a 100% to this kid-our situation didnt work because of skid-not me or my efforts and dh knows it.
If you are still in therapy,
If you are still in therapy, get help outlining what you really are capable of and willing to do in terms of being a stepmom. Especially, in terms of future legal fees and your financial help. Also, add no more threats of "you need to let me go" during fights to your list. That's so below the belt and in reality, emotional abuse. Once you are comfortable with the list, present it to your DH. As long as the two of you can come to terms with your list, then your marriage should work.
Hopefully, that will help you get some peace back.
You know I feel the exact
You know I feel the exact same way! If I would have known how I would feel about SD before I got married, I would have considered things differently.
I actually think SD is like a demon wearing a little girl costume, sent here to make my life hell and to TEST how much I can take. But you know, sometimes I have to say in my head and I'm certain when she is a teenager I will say to her face... "bitch, do your worst. I will take you down if you don't back the f*ck off!" Fight for what's yours... and tell your husband to get off his ass and fight for you!