think husband is back on drugs
Hi all,
My husband and I have been together 10 years. I have 1 stepchild and 2 bios (both are my husband's kids).
We went through a really rough period a few years ago when I found out my husband was doing heroin. He broke his leg and got addicted to the pain pills, and that is what eventually led to the heroin.
Right away I made him leave. I told him I would give him ONE CHANCE to get clean. He went to rehab and I let him come back to the house when he was finished.
Fast forward about 3 years later. I've been seeing signs of drug use but I guess I haven't wanted to believe it. About a week ago, I found empty heroin bags in his lunch bag. He claimed he found them in an old box of his stuff in the garage and didn't want me to see them and think he was doing it again, so he put them in his lunch bag to throw them out and then forgot about it. I didn't believe him but I had nothing else to go off of so I asked him to take a drug test and he refused.
Now today I was doing laundry and found a syringe cap. We are the only adults in the house - there is no possible way it came from anyone else besides him. I text him a picture of it and said I guess my suspicions were right. He is AGAIN claiming it must be old. Since I know about his past use, he can keep using the "its old" excuse but how long am I supposed to believe these old things are laying around 3 years later? I am not buying it.
As I mentioned, he has 1 child from previous relationship who is here on weekends and we have 2 kids together. I told him I cannot go through this again and I can't put the kids through it. Has anyone dealt with anything like this who could give me ANY advice whatsoever?
Thanks for reading.
What do you want to do? He
What do you want to do? He has already lied to you twice, you have had your suspicions for awhile, so what are you wanting?
Are you waiting for him to admit it and say he's sorry? He won't he's an addict. The only thing he loves at this point is the herion.
Are you waiting for him to hurt one of the kids so he can tell you how sorry he is and he will promise to get help?
He has made his choice, it's the herion, not you guys. Until he chooses to clean up his life none of you will really matter to him.
No, I know he’s not going to
No, I know he’s not going to ever admit to anything. Last time I had to catch him in the act. He has an excuse for everything else.
Contact an attorney and file
Contact an attorney and file for legal separation. Tell him he can prove it to you that he's clean by taking a drug test. If he is clean, then you and he need to take a weekend without any of the kids and clean the house top to bottom to find any and all traces of his drug use. The last thing you need is one of the kids finding an old syringe, baggie, etc and getting hurt.
If he refuses to take the test or it comes back positive, tell him to move out. File for divorce.
I honestly feel bad for people suffering from addiction, especially when it is brought about by an injury or other situation they couldn't control. However, while I have sympathy for their struggles, I also understand that their families and friends don't want to go through it over and over again.
So, protect yourself and your kids. I might have advised you differently if he came to you and said he needed help because he relapsed (which is common) and he wanted to stop. However, if he IS using again, he's lying to you about it. That's the problem. It's the lying and leaving drugs/paraphernalia around. It's the inability to trust his word. It's having to fight to get a straight answer. You told him he had once chance, and if he has blown that chance then you need to stick with your consequence.
For what its worth, I am so sorry you're facing this again.
Thank you. I am hoping when
Thank you. I am hoping when he gets home today he will take the test. Him refusing to me means he knows it’s going to be positive. I am praying it’s negative but trying to prepare myself. I just don’t believe these old things keep popping up all these years later if he’s not using again. We don’t even live in the same house as we did last time. And you’re absolutely right, the lying and the deception is what makes this even worse. I’m also scared the kids are going to pick something up. I don’t want them around any of this.
I am so sorry. Addicts know
I am so sorry. Addicts know that trust is fragile. Always will be. He should be falling all over himself to take the drug test.
Thank you. While he was at
Thank you. While he was at work today he told me he would take the test when he got home. I wanted to wait until kids were asleep and then he claimed he didn’t have to pee and couldn’t make himself pee. I know it’s complete bs. He’s probably trying to put it off long enough that I’ll drop it (not happening).
Addiction has ruined so many
Addiction has ruined so many lives. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or the kids—drugs are more powerful though. I hope he’s willing to face his addiction and get the help he needs.
In the meantime take care of yourself and your kids.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind words!
i feel like a complete idiot. I can’t even talk to my family or friends because they all thought I should have left him last time.
You are not an idiot!
You are not an idiot! I think most people would give a spouse at least one chance to get clean. I have no personal experience, but would Al-Anon be helpful? (https://al-anon.org/) I'm sure there would be people there that you could talk to without fear of judgemental an you could probably get some helpful advice.
Thank you. If we didn't have
Thank you. If we didn't have little kids, I probably would have ran for the hills but I had to give him at least one chance to keep our family together. Thanks for the link, I will check them out!
I'm sorry that you are going
I'm sorry that you are going through this but you obviously know what needs to be done.
You are not an idiot. You love him. He is your husband and the father of your children and you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, however, he is an addict. Heroin it THE #1 worse addiction, period. You gave him a chance, a chance to stay clean and keep his family and he blew it. Of course, he is lying, you have the evidence.
You and your children come first. Your children have to come first.
Recovered addict here. I've
Recovered addict here. I've been on both sides of the fence and both are equally as stressful but completely different types of stress. I sympathize with both sides as well. Unequivocally addiction is a deal breaker for me due to the low success rates (approximately 10% and I think that number is inflated). The stress of wondering if they're lying to you and having to investigate every little detail of each statement they make coupled with the worry of their health is too great. The endless please and begging for them to put sobriety first is soul sucking, and the financial hardship is additional stress that can make for a volatile situation. No thank you.
I met my husband while sober and told him I was in recovery on the first date. I promised him I would try to remain sober and that I would not lie about it. He was the first to know when I relapsed. We tried to fix it ourselves the first few months and I threw in the towel and went back to rehab. I wouldn't wish my addiction on anyone, let alone my loved ones. It took me seven years of hard work to get sober the first time so I knew I had to act fast the second. The difference between me and most other addicts is I would rather deal with the stress of life sober than the stress of addiction watching my loved ones get consumed with stress. Getting sober is the easy part, staying sober requires hard work. Addiction doesn't miraculously go away.
i have several years sober and am always a bad day away from going back to addiction if I am not mindful. The only reason why I say I'm in recovery is so people know I am not actively using, but I will always be just a sober addict, that is who I am. That is who your husband is and will always be. That is the reality of the situation, that will never change.
you have to do what's best for you and your kids. You have him that chance. He has had every opportunity to be truthful with you now. If you suspect he's using he probably is. Yes, every now and then I find old paraphernalia in an old purse and throw it in the trash. I don't hide it, I don't have to. Your husband's story falls apart if he's finding paraphernalia in stuff he uses frequently, and why hide it if he's not using? He would take a drug test if he were sober. You have your answer. If he had it together and wanted sobriety he would be truthful to both you and himself. He has not dealt with the issues driving him to use, not years ago and certainly not now, and he will not have lasting sobriety until he does. You don't need the stress and your kids don't need to grow up watching him use, the stress of the instability, or worse, walking in on him dead or in the process of OD'ing.
i am so very sorry for you situation.
Thank you so much for sharing
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Soul sucking is a perfect way to describe it. I just can't believe I thought we were over this, and now here it is back in our lives.
I know the success rate is very low, my sister is actually an addict as well and I've watched her struggle for pretty much her entire adult life with getting clean then relapsing then getting clean then relapsing... I can't deal with that with a spouse because it affects me too much since we live together and have children together.
Since I probably am not going to catch him in the act like I did last time, I will just have to go with my gut and what evidence I do have (even though there's an excuse for everything). It boggles my mind. All he had to do was take a drug test and he just kept blowing it off and making excuses for that too.
UPDATE:
UPDATE:
He refused to take the drug test. We already had a trip booked over the weekend so for the kids' sake, we went and I just acted like everything was normal.
We got back yesterday. Today, I found another bag in the shorts he was wearing yesterday! He claims AGAIN that its old and he hasn't worn those shorts in years (but he wore them yesterday...) I just can't anymore....
Time to make a plan. What is
Time to make a plan. What is your strategy going forward? This must be exhausting, and you can’t (and shouldn’t) sustain the charade.
I’m trying to decide if I
I’m trying to decide if I want to ask him to leave or if I want to leave. I don’t know that I want to stay in our house alone. I could get something much smaller and less expensive. But my name is on the house and I don’t want to depend on him to pay the mortgage. Such a huge mess. I definitely don’t think there’s any other option besides separation since I keep finding things and he won’t take a drug test.
You MUST separate to protect
You MUST separate to protect yourself and the kids. If you do not want that house it MUST be sold, or he will ruin your credit.
Start calling lawyers TOMORROW.
I don't want to sell it
I don't want to sell it because its been in my family a long time, but its definitely more than I need for just myself. I thought we would be raising our family here. It sucks. But I will figure the house situation out.
I called and scheduled an appointment with a lawyer for next week.
Call the locksmith. Rekey the
Call the locksmith. Rekey the locks. File for separation and temporary custody and protect your children. Get a box of urine tests and make him pee in the cup before he has any interface with your children.
Stay the course. Protect yourself and protect your children.
Thank you. Unfortunately
I got similar advice when my sister was going through this situation. You may have to formally evict him. Best of luck to you. Its such a hard spot to be in.
Addicts often don't make
Addicts often don't make sense...if he knows you're on his case about it why would he keep leaving baggies in his pants for you to find? It's like he wants to be discovered, cry for help if you may-but also deny it (which addicts will always do by nature).
I say don't do anything until you consult with a lawyer about your state laws. Don't re-key the house or do a protection order if he has not threatened of been violent to you or child. Since home is in your name, you might just have to do the eviction notice and maybe ask a relative (preferably brother/male cousin) to stay with you during those weeks to avoid any issues and he has to move out. And the lawyer can help you create a safety plan for when visitation resumes.
I'm so sorry this is happening to your family- so heartbreaking for everyone, you, your child and your DH....my heart goes out to you. He's not evil, he's not a monster-he's held hostage to this disease and it's ruining all your lives like so many countless others....it truly is an epidemic.
This isn't good. You are
This isn't good. You are being lied to and he has a serious addiction. I could always tell when my ex had been smoking pot. He would become moody, paranoid and lazy, not to mention the awful smell. He would always lie about it. Odd thing is he always claimed pot wasn't addictive yet he couldn't seem to quit.
His choice to continue using
His choice to continue using a substance that is not addictive makes him that much more of a POS IMHO.
smh
Get him out ! nothing more to
Get him out ! nothing more to say! you dont want your kids around anyone that is using drugs
not your job to get him clean
not your job to get him clean either !
I think you should put him in
I think you should put him in the position where he has to choose whether to do the test or leave the house forever.. I mean he clearly has stepped on the wrong path once again, but you don't have to be harsh with him right away. You should give him a choice to make in the behalf of your children.. I can suggest you these https://www.confirmbiosciences.com/products/urine-drug-test-dip-cards/ur... tests that my doctor recommended me some time ago.. THey are easy to use at home so you will know for sure. Wish you luck..
Time to re-key the locks,
Time to re-key the locks, file for emergency custody, file for divorce, and get him tested, both pee in a cup and hair testing.
Protect your kids.
Protect yourself.
smh