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Things that can help your marriage if you are the Birth Parent of the Stepkids.

newwtostepguy's picture

1. Teach your child manners and respect. If they are being rude or disrespectful correct them and continue to teach them.

2.Realize your child is not perfect. Yes your child does fake sick to get out of going to school, lies, manipulates, interrupts people, can be mean, cruel, rude and lazy at times. Yes there are great things about your child and you love them. Just remember your child is just like anyone else's child. Recognize this and realize they are not perfect. Defending and coddling bad behavior teaches them its ok to behave this way and will only make it worse.

3.Your ex causes problems wether you admit it or not. How you handle your ex is key. Your ex should not be in your home. You should not be having conversations with your ex about things other than your kids. Your ex should not be calling/texting daily. Have some boundaries and stick to them. Also quit acting like your ex is perfect, is a great parent, and you get along great. We all know that is not the case or you wouldn't be divorce to begin with. You aren't fooling anyone.

4.Make time for your relationship. Save some affection, time, love, resources, and attention for your significant other, not just for your kids. If that means hiring a sitter then hire a sitter. Don't make your relationship your second, third or fourth priority unless you wanted to be treated as such.

Anyone agree or want to add anything?

TrueNorth77's picture

Yes! I seriously am tempted to copy and paste #1 and 2  and send it to my SO. Especially 2.

 

strugglingSM's picture

Your kids should not come before your relationship. If you'd like to have a relationship in the future, don't leave your spouse hanging your kids wanted something or you couldn't bear to step away from your precious children in order to be a reliable spouse. Just because you have children doesn't mean that you can ignore commitments you have made as part of your marriage (whether immediate commitments or more long-term commitments). 

Your kids and your spouse do not need equal treatment. Just because your kids came before your spouse, that does not mean they should get any special privileges that they didn't get when you were married to their other parent. If they didn't dictate your schedule, control choices about your home, or get to set ground rules in your marriage / relationship with their other parent, they shouldn't get to do that in your current relationship. Also, your spouse still expects you to be a spouse when the kids are around (see above), so you shouldn't ignore your spouse or put off what you promised to do, simply because you feel as if you haven't shown your kids enough love and attention during their visitation. Considering that their parents are not offering an example of a healthy, functioning relationship, you should make sure that you work to make your relationship with your spouse into that example for your children. 

Don't expect your spouse to take on your parenting duties. You are the parent. Therefore, you are in charge of the laundry, feeding, activities, and other "fun" that happens during your visitation weekend. This is especially true if you are the father of said children. Your wife does not automatically become the "mother" just because she's a woman. You're the parent, you decided that the children should exist, so it's your responsibility to assume parenting duties. If your spouse does anything resembling parenting or does anything to support you in supporting your children, you should be sure to make it clear that you know that your spouse is not obligated to do these things and you are incredibly appreciative that he/she is willing to take those on. 

Don't let your family treat your spouse like a second class citizen just because he/she isn't the parent of your children. If you thought your spouse was out to get the children, you shouldn't have married him/her. You shouldn't tolerate it when your family applies that your spouse isn't doing enough for your children or has it out for your children. If you allow your family to behave that way, you're sending the message that you believe what your family is saying or implying. 

 

 

Anon9876's picture

Amen to that.

Too often the BP is open to interference in their relationship from their children. They want to 'earn' their approval.

The fact is as the BP you don't need your child's approval. It's your life and your choice. Your child should never dictate your actions.

So true-they had no say in the relationship you had with their OP, so why should you be receptive to their opinion or interference in your new one?

Kids come 2nd period to your SO.

blayze's picture

I found myself nodding to your post, then I got to the end and thought a bit more about it. 

I never expected to be “first” in his life.

I had no idea there was a pecking order. 

All I wanted was what anyone in a relationship wants.

Treat me well.

Do not disrespect me or discount my feelings or my thoughts. 

PROTECT my heart, as I do yours.

Keep your batshit crazy family drama away from me.

Realize that when we partner, whatever happens to you, happens to me by proxy. You lose a job, it affects me. You have a problem with your ex, it affects me. 

Handle your business! Be it parenting your children, putting up boundaries with your ex, or defending me to your over-stepping mama... be a freakin’ ADULT and handle the stuff in your lane. 

Work on yourself. Develop new skills (parenting!) and be a strong “I” worthy of “WE.”

Be the same person when we’re alone as when we’re around others... including your children. Kiss me, hug me, call me BABE (not my name) just like you would do if your kids weren’t around. 

Show gratitude. For all the extras I do as a partner and a teammate... show appreciation. Acknowledge it, conduct an act of service, tell me I’m awesome, give me a present, whatever love language makes the most sense. Let me know you appreciate what I do for you. 

If a partner did all that... 

If a partner acted like an actual PARTNER, without the second marriage stigma...

This site would have 3/4 less visitors. 

We want a normal relationship, not to be first. 

Anon9876's picture

I feel that each individual in my SO'since life has a significant and important role to him and thus to me as well.

It's really not so much about being first but rather, as you said, for your partner to treat you like a partner with consistency while still being the man he should be for the other important people in his life-his kids, his parents, siblings, etc.

I feel like most 9f the tension in a mixed family dynamic comes from someone feeling less than important, less than acknowledged, etc.

It especially causes issues between the SP and the SK when they feel like they're competing to earn the attention and love that they are entitled to having a relationship with the BP.

I couldn't agree with you more that appreciation should be employed regularly for everyone. And yes EVERYTHING your partner is goi NC thru affects you too and when you have emotions attached to those events they shouldn't be discredited.

I know often when I had feelings about SKs and what was going on with them that I felt SO did not always acknowledge that the things happening in out home take their toll on me as well as him, even if they aren't my BC.

More people need to read your post, it's very enlightening.

strugglingSM's picture

...I could have written this myself. I want my DH to be a husband...even when his kids are around. It’s not about doing what I want vs what his kids want, it’s that I expect him to still be reliable when his kids are around. I expect him to maintain boundaries so that BM’s drama and MIL’s meddling doesn’t seep into our marriage. Neither have to do with me and I expect him to neutralize both to protect our marriage. I also expect him to be responsible with money and not expect me to subsidize fancy trips or expensive activities for his children. This is not about me coming first, it’s about me being seen as a wife, not a third child or the equivalent of a child. 

TheBrightSide's picture

hell to the yes!!

Happycamper's picture

Yes, yes, yes, and yes!!! This all must be so common because I could have pretty much written all of this! 7 years later and I'm still dealing with....DH's kids are perfect, they don't need talking to because they do no wrong, BM and DH get along so well! Even though she's dragging his credit through the mud, he acts like they're besties to make his kids think he's awesome. And yes, I have to turn my head when SD18 jumps in daddy's arms and spreads her legs around his waist. Yes, she still does this. We went to parent weekend at college. Granted it's only an hour away. You would think she hadn't seen him in years. She did this in front of everyone. I was mortified. DH will allow it because he won't dare say a word to upset his girls.Oh yes, and I am always getting put off.  We have had plans for over a month now for this Friday. SD18 wants to see daddy on that day because she's busy all weekend so guess what. He cancels his plans with me because he's at her beckon call. Always.

Anon9876's picture

There's nothing wrong with being civil with your ex, but for God's sake don't pretend that they're you're bestfriend! Have you talked to him about that kind of behavior and how it makes you feel?

He is prioritizing his adult children over your relationship and he needs to try to understand your point of view as far as his daughters excessive or dramatized affection.

He should understand that you are the wife and she is the daughtrt. There is no reason for him to sacrifice his relationship with you to please his daughter. You have to feel important too.