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Therapy update...

Caltell86's picture

So SS13 had his therapy appointment. I got to "listen in" as it was a Virtual appointment due to Covid19. BM complained SS13 watches tv all day at DH house. DH asked her " How do you know since you are not there?". BM snapped right back that SS told her.

So the NEXT question is what is the best way DH can respond when BM throws "I know because SS tells me" in DH face? 

SS13 is half the problem. Not only is SS13 dumb as a rock but a level 10 mama's boy who thinks BM is Mother Tresa. We now BM "Quizzes" SS when he gets home and then Exaggerates what SS tells her.

Either SS13 is to stupid to know when BM is "quizing" him to get information or just thinks BM is SO holy and good BM would NEVER do such a thing(gag). 


tog redux's picture

DH needs to say, "SS is not telling you the truth, perhaps he thinks you want to hear bad things about what goes on at my house.  What really happens when he is there is  (fill in the blank). And by the way, SS says that (fill in the blank) happens at your house, but I'm pretty sure that's not true. Therapist, correct me if I'm wrong, isn't it common for kids in divorce situations to play both sides like this?"

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is 100% the correct response. The only thing I would add from your DH is:

"Therapist, since SS is lying to us about what is happening, I'd like to discuss how to address it with him, as I will be addressing him lying to BM the next time I see him."

That statement puts the conversation back where it belongs: helping SS. And every conversation needs to be directed back to SS.

OP, your DH has the right to defend himself AND explain the truth. He needs to take phrases like tog gave above and memorize them, then repeat as necessary.

Caltell86's picture

If DH responds like this as SS is behind this co-parenting therapy will be pushed by the therapist which would result in total Disaster. Number one BM would LOVE to do co-Parenting therapy and has pushed for it for YEARS as she would be able to push her agenda/rules for OUR home. Unfortunately I'm the backbone in our family that keeps BM from controlling DH. Since I'm NOT allowed to attend ANY therapy sessions BM would be able to snow ball DM in co-parenting therapy. It's happened before. So under NO circumstances do I want DH to say anything that would give BM a reason to push for Coparenting therapy again as she is always looking for a reason. 

tog redux's picture

So what are you hoping for then? At the very least, he needs to defend himself. 

But honestly, you can't control what DH says, and if he can't tell the truth, then BM will continue what she's doing and get away with it. Maybe it's time for you to just let DH handle this on his own. 

I was certainly guilty of trying to get DH to handle things the way I thought he should, and it never worked. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then DH just needs to keep doing what he's doing because any change will risk retaliation by BM. He's never going to be able to say something that totally shuts down BM because she is doing things for her own benefit, and she'll twist herself into pretzels to make that happen.

Your DH has to have the backbone. If he doesn't, then he's going to be pushed around no matter what. You can't fix or stop that. You can't stop your DH from making decisions that impact you or your home. That's part of the risk of marrying someone. They'll do what they want to do whether you want them to or not.

How does your DH want to handle this? Ultimately, he has to make this decision. You have no right or authority over what happens with SS, and you only have authority in your home so far as others respect you enough to not inflict harm upon you. You have no control or real input, just opinions.

I know that sounds harsh, but it's the position every married couple finds themself in, and it's only further complicated when you involve kids and exes. I mean, if he doesn't follow the therapist's orders, what really happens? He loses the ability to have a say in SS's care? He already isn't exercising his rights by clearing to BM. 

There's no magic phrase that fixes this. BM has taken over total control, and unless your DH takes some of it back (which will cause BM to switch tactics), this is the pattern.

Rags's picture

"What goes on in my home is none of your business.  The kid is 13 and his perception of time and reality is far from accurate at this point. So, rather than deluding yourself to think that using our son as your little spy is a good idea why don't you extricate your head from your ass, focus on his behaviors in your home where you should know what is going on while I focus on my home where I know exactly what is going on and you know nothing about what is going on.  Now, back to the reason why we are here.  The kid's behavior. Or would you like to delve into how you are manipulating our son and trying to alienate him from me?"

Scripting is a great way to prepare for BM's crap.  You and DH know her and what her likely crap will be.  So, script a number of responses based on what her likely response will be to the most likely scenerios during the next therapy session.  Though things rarely go as planned, having a script prepared prepares you to quickly adjust and to reply to anything she spews.  

In the situation that seems to be in play regarding the joint remote therapy sessions having one quick reply will not suffice.  Since she uses SS as a spy, focus on that when she throws out "the kid told me".  The basic response to that should stand on the question of "why are you using our son as a spy in my home and family rather than being an adult and actaully parenting him when he is in your home?"

Prepare, script, and redirect any tangent she tries to throw back onto her manipulation, using SS as a spy, PASing him against his father, trying to manipulate your DH, your home and your family, etc, etc, etc..... 

Confront then redirect focus on her behavior while highlighting that the reason why she and DH are in the joint therapy sessions are to benefit their son.  Adjust the formula as neccessary when she changes her tactics.  Script, prepare, script, prepare, script, prepare.

With people like BM, failing to plan for her crap is planning to fail and set your side up to be the victims of her crap. Make anything she tries embarrassing to her and maintain that plan.

.Lather, rinse, repeat.

Survivingstephell's picture

Rags might bother quite a few around here with  his certain points of views, but he has a solid track record of beating his SS's sperm pool family and winning.  The skid survived and launched into quite the success.  OP, you need to read the whole answer and not just give DH one point to use.  It will take a planned out method to counteract a BM like this.  IF you or your DH are not willing or capable of studying up on high conflict dysfunctional BM's, then roll over and give up.  This is not an easy fight an will require effort.  

Ispofacto's picture

"SS tells you what he thinks you want to hear.  He must think you want him to say bad things about his father."