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Tell me how you take this

hbell0428's picture

Can't stand SD13 behavior at all..Walking right by me; doesn't acknowledge my existance; right to daddy and I cannot swallow just ignoring it or putting up with it or walking away. (I have been kind of ignoring her)???? Just had a conversation with him and he says...(after saying he agrees with her!)

You're the adult

right; but with that being said - shouldn't SD13 have some sort of common respect for the adult in the house; be made to at least acknowledge that I live their too or am talking at the moment or Yes that I am the adult and whether she like me or not she needs to be a human??

If you don't agree that is fine; just be nice LOL give me some suggestions on how I go about co existing with her

Totalybogus's picture

My husband's daughters did this to me the summer before last. It nearly ended our marriage. He couldn't seem to bring himself to make them be at least respectful to me in my own house, so, every time they visited, I left for the weekend and went to my parents house 300 miles away which happened to be my old stomping grounds. My husband couldn't stand my absence and I made no secret I was going out with friends. He got on the stick real quick and gave them consequences for poor behavior.

This is something that you can't fight alone. Your husband has to actually parent his kid and let her know that it is not acceptable for her to treat you that way. She doesn't have to be your friend but she does have to treat you respectfully.

mashpeebonusmom's picture

oh boy oh boy...typical teenager. even harder is that since you arnt her BM she thinks she doesnt owe you
They say if you want respect you have to earn it. Sometimes yes sometimes no. First and foremost you and DH have to be on the same page or NOTHING will work.

My bf D11 comes to MY house twice a week. First thing he said to her was "this is HER house and you will respect it as so. You know how i expect you to behave when your with me and thats that." She has no rules at BM. I always get a hello, how are you, how was your day or a yay your home!! Now dont get me she is no angel but she has respect for me. I treat her like an 11 year old and she treats me like an adult.

I would stick with simple hello when she walks into the room and take it from there. If she snubs you and doesnt reply then tell her its rude to walk in a room and not say hello. If she sees the DH doesnt back you up it wont work. He needs to show authority when you are speaking to her. Otherwise your just the person who cooks dinner adn does the laundry

hismineandours's picture

I responded to your other post-but this is my biggest issue as well. I hate ss's smart mouth as well-but it is really preferrable to him treating me as if I have a disease in my own home. Not that I want to talk to him all the time and be lovey dovey-but it is so incredibly uncomfortable to be treated as if you don't exist. SS is 12 and has been doing this for 3 years now.
If I say hello to him first-he will usually respond and then quickly look for the nearest exit to escape in case I might try to say something more to him. It is very apparent he ignores and avoids me at all costs-so even correcting him and "forcing" him to say hello sickens me. If he comes in the house without dh-he will blatantly ignore me, then when dh comes in he will ask ss if he greeted me and ss will say, "yes". I state that is not true and ss will just say I must have not heard him. It is almost like a power struggle at this point. My dh does harp at him constantly about speaking to me, being open to having a relationship, putting forth effort, etc (I have known ss for 11 of his 12 years and he lived with us up until age 9 so I am in no way a stranger to him and he previously did not have any problems speaking to me).
I have recently asked dh to cease his efforts at "forcing" ss to speak to me-frankly I think he likes the attention he gains by dh or myself(in the past) trying to figure out why he is acting the way he does and trying to get him to treat me better-so now it's just nothing. He was here last weekend and did not initiate one word of conversation to me in 48 hours. He referred to me consistently as "she" and "her" despite the fact that he has called me "mommy" for the majority of his life.
Your sd knows that she is getting to you. She likes that. She also knows that it is causing arguments between you and her father. She likes that too. If she tries to interrupt you and dh-very loudly say, "excuse me!" and continue talking. Love on your dh (appropriately of course) right in front of her, whisper sweet nothings in his ear, then perhaps he will not be so ready to focus all his attn on his manipulative daughter. If your dh tries to chastise you in front of her, just say something like, "oh, I guess the two or you are wanting to spend some quality time together-great-I will go shopping, dancing, partying, whatever and give you some time to yourselves". This would need to be said without a care in the world-you cant act pissy about it.
You are stuck in the pattern of her treating you like crap, you getting upset about it and approaching dh, and dh defending her, and her being victorious. The best way you can change that pattern is to change what you can control and that is you! If you act as if you no longer care, then dh will have no need to defend you because you wont be coming to him with complaints, and she will not feel victorious. When this cycle stops working for her hopefully she will be bright enough to discontinue it.
Unfortunately, I dont think my ss is that bright. He's a stubborn cuss and he just keeps trying over and over again to manipulate. I am saddened by the idea that he and I do not have any sort of relationship whatsoever-I am saddened by the fact that it affects our entire family and that there are things we cant always do as a "typical" family might, but i have accepted this fact, moved on, and made the best of it. Luckily he is only there eow. I get to spend extra quality time with my bios on the w/e's he is here so I can give dh/ss one on one time (or that's my excuse anyway when really I just dont like being around him), I get extra housework done, I take "me" time, I sign up for extra shifts on his w/e's-it's all good. He is a pita but I just work to limit my time around him and do not allow a child to ruin my day or my life.

hbell0428's picture

Thanks for taking the time to write all that!! I will take your advice; I just hope I can be strong!! I am a bullhead when it comes to this stuff (I am a women)
But it's true; she thinks she's got me - in a way. I will have to change the atmosphere Smile Smile

VAStepMom's picture

I have to agree with many of the points above.

However.... if I was talking to DH and SD interrupted.... I would look at her... and put my hand up... and say... I'm sorry... I was talking. Please don't interrupt. Then finish what you were saying... and then turn to her and say.... Ok... now, you may have the floor, and walk away.

Do not YELL to get your point across. Be calm.... be controlled.

When she is around... be very sweet to DH.... talk nicely even to her.... like you do not have a care in the world.

I will tell you, when this was going on with me... I made sure my DH felt nothing but love from me.... so the disdain of SD stuck out like a sore thumb! Do not try to play High School games with this SD.

Act the adult. Be calm. Control the atmosphere...the situation... and make it clear to her... YOU ARE THE ADULT, THEREFORE YOU ARE IN CHARGE. Set a good example.

I always take the times SD acts up to very nicely give her a CHORE to do. hahahaha... it's like if you are going to act like that.... here is someplace to place your energy.

Good Luck.

DaizyDuke's picture

Ok, so how about ask DH how HE would feel if his other kids (your Bios) spoke to him the way his SD does to you, and treated him the way SD does you? Do you think he would be cool with "sucking it up" because "he is the adult"? Come on now!