No, you aren't wrong. Your DH needs to stop allowing these kids to abuse him and you from a distance.

I'm not clear when things went south, but it sounds like it happened once you had another child.  Focus on your family and let these girls go, but put up firm boundaries so you don't have to listen to BM's venom coming from their mouths. 

The only thing you are wrong about is caring about these failed prior family breeding experiments.

smh

Cut toxicity out of your life.  You, DH and your little one are the only people that matter.

Good luck.  Take care of you and your family.

Sadly we're just the easy targets most of the time for these angsty teens. In addition their mother's adding on their jelously and hatred in our direction and not keeping that hiden from their children makes us a bigger target.

It is just as when we write about our woes on this website most of our problems are to do with our partner and yet the easy targets are the kids and so you see people here. complain about thier step kids a lot more than they'll complain about their partner.

These kids are angry, they are fustrated, they are teens. They want to have what other's have with their parents together and happy, they want to have stable mothers who are not in and out of bad relationships and having dealings with the police. Plus they have usual teen angst and a developmental drive to rebel. All of these things combine with mother's who paint themselves the poor victims and actively encourage hatred of the other household.

Then if our partners do not properly address these behaviors and allow the children to act disrespectfully and allow the kids to switch houses at will such that the children are the ones running the custody schedule  these behaviors and thoughts are reinforced and are not given an opportunity to be challenged.

I'm not sure that I have any answers as to how to address this. I am dealing with my own (less extream for now) version of this with my SD13. Her attitude towards me has switched in the last couple of years. Fortunately for us we have a long distance custody schedule and have SD during the school year so she is here for long stretches of time and we can counter some of ther mother's rhetoric with our consistent actions. I'm hoping that once we are through these teen years she will see that we were there for her and supported her even when she was trying to push back.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  It's probably BM filling their heads with nonsense.  I would not allow dh to take your little one to see them without you.  No relationship with the parents equals none with the kid.  Both parents.  They want no contact, well give them what they want.  They're no longer your problem.  They probably won't change.  People like that rarely do.  

My two have no relationship with SS.  He's their half brother and it's sad but he chose to be a lying ingrate.  Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.  My SS never openly excluded me, as in telling dh not to bring me around or something.  He knew better. He knew that dh wouldn't come to anything I wasn't welcome to.  He excluded me quietly.  He would say he thought of me as mom and wanted me to be grandma to his child, but his actions said otherwise.  He and his wife wanted the appearance of the big happy family without putting any effort into being one.  I stepped back and gave him all the space then.  It's been about two years since we talked to them, other than SDIL randomly hollering hey how are you to me and my son at the high school football game a few weeks ago.  I told her we're fine then I walked away.  My kids don't ask about him, they haven't expressed any desire to see him or the baby, and I doubt they will.  SS didn't make any effort with them either and for that I am grateful.  He had my daughter's phone number and rarely if ever tried to contact her before we stopped talking.  I went ahead and blocked him on her phone and mine.  Who knows, maybe he's jealous of my bios for some unknown reason.  Don't know, don't care.  It's his problem, not mine, not my kids.  In my case it wasn't BM but SDIL who turned SS against us, mainly me and the kids.  He wanted dh around to play happy grandpa so he played nice to my face.  SDIL's father had died before the baby was born or they probably would have ignored dh too.  

You toddler's harmonious home life out of spite??

i have been married to my husband almost 7 yrs and known him over 8.5yrs. We have a 4 & 5 yr old and he has sd27, ss23.5 and sd17. The 2 sd's had cut off contact with my husband and their brother (who lived with my husband since divorce) and only reconnected with their dad mid 2018 (5.5 yrs no contact).

they were rude/disrespectful, always answering back, always thought they made the decisions regarding our 2 kids from the first day we met them and even 3rd visit later they were attempting to supercede my authority regarding my 2 kids to which the first time they dared answering me back was met with a NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo. Hubby backed me up immediately and told his daughters what i say goes regarding our 2 kids and you don't answer back.

my husband tried many times to initiate meets with them and everytime like clockwork they cancelled or made last minute changes. I had enough of them trying to be alpha females like they coupd compete with me as hubby's miniwives.

the eldest sd called my husband august 2018 with a whole sob story that daddy abandoned them for me and to have 2 kids with me to replace them. The reality was they ended contact with their dad over lies their mum made about my husband snd myself which they knew were lies and even admitted to it, they expected my husband be pining for them when they decided to get their shi* together and reconnect with him and that they'd be able to toy with his emptions and daddy's atm be on standby.

the thing is and my husband is 100% firm

on this golden rule which his "nobody comes between our marriage or decide the rules and terms of our marriage" meaning the moment skids start affecting our marriage, actively trying to end it, create conflict in our marriage or insert themselves into private marriage matters, hubby shuts that down immediately. 
no skids even allowed in our bedroom whether it be our marital home, holiday home or his family childhood home. That is a firm boundary he will not allow them to cross

the one hilarious thing i have never been able to comprehend, is how the heck skids like this who treat their parent and stepparent like shi*, actually have the nerve and expectation to give mummy or daddy an ultimatum to end the marriage and ditch the wife and half sibling of theirs and their parent would stupidly do it?? Are they so disillusioned from their manipulative bullshi* that they actually think they'll be successful doing this?

my sd's have not attempted any contact with my 2 kids (their half siblings) since august 2018, 3 plus yrs ago, ss who was living in our marital home ignored my kids. My kids don't acknowledge their half siblings and if any of them ever dared to tell my husband that i'm a horrible woman for banning a relationship of them with my kid, they would be told that them never attempted to maintain or initiate a relationship and any chances of a relationship ended the moment they used us as scapegoats claiming hubby abandoned them for us and lets not forget eldest sd's demands to order daddy transfer assets he owns and bought after the divorce of their mum, solely into skids name. 

Eldest sd was already attempting to have hubby leave us penniless and homeless in a divorce. My own husband doesn't trust his kids from exwife because they're all exact replicas of her and under her control.

My husband actually withdrew a large chunk of his retirement savings to buy a home in my country of birth and put it solely in my name to assure me if he died tomorrow, that me and our 2 young kids wouldn't be on the street. My husband's life insurance policy has me as sole beneficiary. 

op, do you believe your husband would ever divorce you just to maintain a shitty disrespectful one sided relationship with sd? If sd wants to claim he chooses blood over marriage, they're forgetting a little toddler (your daughter with hubby) is his blood too and he chose to make that baby with you.

They have become momees little toxic minions, so apparently she is feeding them toxic poison against you. The whys do not matter at this point. She is more than likely feeding them things like "look, dadee and sm are starting a new family WITHOUT you two, he just wants to start fresh and not have anything to do with you!" or telling them that "dadee will care more about new baby than you and he'll forget about you!"

So, loyalty binds, combined with parental alienation are a very addictive and strong toxic brew, in that trolls cauldron. The skids are drinking that coolaide and buying into all that crap. "dadees choosing his new wife and her babeeeee over his own BLOOOOOOOOOOOD".

Its all crap, and they are eating it right up, and you and Dh cannot defend against it and must barricade and create boundaries, and be strong together. Its very sad, yes, but you cannot negotiate with terrorists and this is emotional terrorism. Them throwing down the gauntlet and insisting on seeing baby sibling without you -HARD NOPE. DH having a relationship with them, outside the home without either of you - YES. Do this or you will be that de facto "wedge". Do not do anything to stop DH from having that relationship, he can do this without you. Its very sad, yes, but its better than him not at least trying to battle the loyalty binds and parental alientation. 
if he lets them treat him like crap, call it out and point it out. Talk to him about boundaries. This will not get better it will get worse - read my blogs and you will see what happens...as they get older.

Oh and no more presents and no staying at your home all day alone. PERIOD. This is YOUR home as well as DHS home.

I got all this too, like we will just ask dad what he thinks about me coming to live with THEM. Like my opinion should not matter, its ALL about the CHILD he had with another woman.

Oh I am steamed up today!!!!

I hope to God your husband just sits them down and says that he is sorry they feel that way but you are his wife and aren't going anywhere. That he will not be held as an emotional hostage and divorce or separate from his wife so his teenagers will be happy. 

I hope he tells them that if they ever want to have a real relationship that your home is open but the disrespect to you will stop. 

OSDnow17 (almost 18) left our home full of spite at age 13.5. She didn't like the rules and basic humanity DH was requiring of her...i.e. Disney Dad was becoming less Disney and standing up for himself and our household. Not to mention PAS going on - lots of hours long phone calls with "Mommy", refusals to do anything with us - but then complain we never did anything with her, Mommy's house was the best, Dad's the worst. We didn't include her in meals - she refused to eat the food we made and DH didn't accomodate her, Dad was mean and controlling. The last straw that I heard was two fold.  1. She was screaming at him for leaving BM (when she was 5 or 6) and blaming him only for everything...so he told her exactly what happend, that HER MOM inititiated the divorce, etc., etc. and 2. He was making her help pay, somehow, for one month of payments for a school trip she wanted to go on...but wouldn't let her hit up relatives for the cash.  "I'll never come back here!" was her last screamd statement after that argument.

BM supported OSDs version of every single story ever time. Taking a 13/14 yo version over a grown adult and parent. DH could do nothing. Over the last 4 years he's seen her only once or twice, almost no phone calls and she never, ever answers text or emails. He's not been blocked, but we suspect she has a new # she, and BM are not giivng him. He's conitnued to send Xmas and birthday gifts from himself, I stopped when she left this house. She recently contacted him (well, in truth BM did) to ask him for college help - of what sort exactly we don't know becuase as soon as he asked her, "So why now, OSD? After all these years of ignoring me, why do you need me now?" That immediately turned her into a hellion and she yelled that he was "weaponizing his feelings against her" and was "ruining her college dreams." Then he got hung up on.

Fun times.

I think it is time for DH to start smacking BM with a contempt motion each and every time his daughters fail to comply with his COd visitation schedule.  Every time.

Rather than take their crap, he needs to bring the pain and be assertive with BM and his failed family daughters.

If the 16yo insists on continuing her crap, fine. She can suffer until she turns 18 then fade away for her father and his intact quality family.  My SS's Bio Paternal clan was toxic, manipulative, and invasive of his happiness and life since he was a toddler.  At 29, he has nearly zero to do with them.  His mom and I married  the week before he turned 2yo. He ask me to adopt him 20 years later.  We made that happen.

Though he is not without some issues related to them, he is thriving as an adult, in his career, etc...  They are all going down the crapper that the rest of their shallow and polluted gene pool has gone down for generations.

Yeah I dont think there is hope for fixing those kids or their relationship with their father. They are too far gone. I'm sure it will always sting but hopefully your husband can move on from them and quit putting up with the abuse. For both his and your sake. They sound rotten and will likely always be that way because they had BM as a role model.

My SD is 14 she PAS'out at 12. She was crazy jealous when my husband and I had our first daughter. We gave her three little brothers but the little sister sent her (and  BM) over the edge. She went no contact for over a year and a half. Contempt of court filings got DH nowhere he basically could have saved time flushing the money down the toilet. Court said SD was old enough to make her own decisions. He spiraled into depression losing her. A little over a year of SD being gone he finally got better and was able to move forward.

Around my daughter's 1st birthday SD came back around. She made up this huge lie and totally scammed DH out of money. She wants nothing to do with the family, her siblings, anyone from our side at all. Took off no contact again we have no clue where she is even living at this point. Dh was hurt by her using him but he got over it. He said it was sort of the closure he needed. He's done chasing her. 

Your situation sounds very hard and has obviously caused you a lot of confusion and pain. I would recommend counselling to process your feelings and come to a sense of acceptance and peace about it. 

Unfortunately BM's often play a large role in parental alienation and there isn't much you can do about that other than draw the line on what you will and won't accept (as far as the skids behaviour) and hope they figure it all out for themselves at some point. 

I'm further down the road on this but OSD at 16 threatened DH with if you stick with her , you won't walk me down the aisle at my wedding.  (Eyeroll).  16.  Yeah that came from BM.  DH picked me and the rest is history.  She's 26 now and finally moved out on her own.  Don't go running after her.  Let her reap what she sowed.  Let her lie in the bed she made.  The only one that should talk to her is her father and that's if she can do it in a polite respectful way.  No more drama or chaos from her.  You will have an adjustment period as you detox from the drama but trust me when I say it's much better on this side of it.  Your home needs to be a sanctuary of peace.  Put boundaries in place to make that happen.  You two are the adults and as such get to rule your roost.  Get firm.  Get tough about this.  That crap she pulls is just not acceptable.  Period.  

I tried to read everything. I have a few thoughts.

Dad should not contact his daughters to tell them to unblock him when they are ready to be nice. That is pretty much already a thing. 

You want your child to know/have a relationship w/ the stepsiblings. WHY??? If they were not stepsiblings, would you want them anywhere near your child? Some relationships shouldn't happen because of the toxic-ness of it. This is one good example. Nothing good will happen for your child if your child knows them. 

The block/unblock/block cycle is manipulation at it's best. You can stop it by no longer being involved. Dad too. Use your time to make memories. Shut down the toxic by not even listening to it. 

He can rugsweep but that only empowers her to continue and ramp it up.  He is the only one who can hold her feet to fire and demand respect for his wife.  That much you can demand from him: declaration to all that you are his wife and will be treated as such and with respect.  

It's outrageous but unfortunately far too common

My OSD was a little older than yours - 19 - when she did the same thing

Up until that point DH let her get away with way too much bad behavior, disrespect towards me and himself and she was building I guess for a while to this ultamatum

The reason these girls do this is they think if they force their gravelling, ass-kissing, guilt-ridden, disney dads in a corner where they must choose or their daughter will walk out of their life, then daddy dearest will of course give them what they want as he is so afraid of losing them

My DH refused to play that game with OSD

He told her he hoped she would one day come on board and accept me but if not and she walked away, remember that was her choice not his

She played that card and guess what, we respected her decision. 

It was an eye-opener for her as she expected DH to dump me (we were not yet married at the time)

OSD spent years making us pay for her decision by mostly walking out of our lives, and being over the top rude and hostile on the occassions we did cross paths

Then one day years later seemingly overnight she was just fine. Accepting suppossedly. And back in our lives. 

Thus began what I now refer to as her cycles. 

She was fine for a while, then back to the ultimatum like behaviour. Then okay. 

Now she is approaching 40 and for the last three years has almost 100% cut us out of her life. For exactly the reason your SD is threatening this with your DH. Because my DH stood up for me/stood up to the mistreatment of me/us from SIL and OSD

Each time OSD does this we call her bluff

It seems to be the only way to deal with her

The harder we try to mend things, connect with her, convince her to get onside, show her how important it is to us that she's in our lives, the more she feels she has power to manipulate DH to get what she wants. Which is me out of his life. Or at least to prove to the world - herself mostly - that DH loves her more

I'm sure it's just a matter of time before she makes yet another reapperance in our lives. I hope this time she had finally learned that the ultimatum game works for no-one. Most especially her

What do you feel your DH will do?

I hope he will not allow his kids to dictate who he can marry, who is in his life, etc.. and teach them that sometimes they just need to accept that things are not going to go the way they want. 

And of course, get them in councelling to help them cope with the jealous insecurites they're feeling 

"You will not disrespect my marriage,  you will not disrespect my wife, and for damned sure you will not disrespect me.  GTF out, go away, and don't come back until you grow up, apologize to me and my wife and never make the mistake of pulling your immature manipulative bullshit ever again."

I'm glad your DH has your back.  Maybe BM is jealous of your life and using SKs to fuel her drama?  

I know BM here told SS that BF cares more about his “new family” more than him, how he treats my kids like his own instead of SS. This all came about when her married boyfriend dumped her and went back to his wife.  She also made comments about how she is struggling to make ends meet (she works at the Gap, she has lost several jobs through the years, her parents sent her/fully paid for her to go to Northwestern University, I worked three jobs and put myself through a state school) and how it must be nice to make good money and be lazy (I’m a nurse).  She turned SS against us and I have not seen him in a long long time…BF has just started court ordered visits and he and SS are regaining their relationship, yet I am not mentioned.

I have nothing to do with BM and never will.  She and BF’s XGF would argue and there was nothing but drama, and BM feeds off of that.  I think it kills her that I don’t react to any of her BS. 

BM treats SS like he is adult, complaining about things only adults should discuss, used to make comments like “Your dad never did that for me,” and how I am a puppeteer pulling his dad’s puppet strings….

I would block them all, and go to counseling with you and DH.  Sending hugs!!!

Situations like this, where multiple family members cause ongoing drama, are why disengagement exists. You can't win against the propaganda, and trying to shut the dysfunction down is like playing whack - a - mole. 

You made a fundamental mistake in the beginning by getting overly involved with BM and the SDs. No shame, I did something similar and it's a common rookie SM mistake. You failed to recognize the dysfunction that existed below the surface and didn't know just how much crazy three females can produce. Your DH failed to shut it down, and he failed at protecting you from it. But here's The Thing - his eldest daughter OSD actually CALLED CPS ON YOU. That's a gamechanger, and I feel you're not taking it as seriously as you should.

OSD felt sufficiently entitled and empowered to destroy your reputation, endanger your parental rights, and possibly even get you arrested. She is weaponized, unpredictable, and a danger to you. She even feels she has the right to a relationship with your child. This should send chills down your spine, and your highest priority needs to be keeping her out of your life. 

You seem like a very nice woman, but that's one of the favorite foods of toxic families. I know the pain and unfairness of being targeted and reviled, just for existing and wanting to help. It's awful, and the stress of the constant drama can really mess with your mind. Now your FIL is acting as a flying monkey, and your H still expects you to listen, comfort, and tell him what to do about HIS kids. Its just too, too much, isn't it? And if you think your LO isn't picking up on the chaos and stress vibrations, you're wrong.

You have the right to say ENOUGH! and tell your H to stop involving you in HIS issues with HIS kids. You have the right (and duty) to protect your child and your self from the endless negativity and tsunami of shit that comes from HIS people. You can CHOOSE. Just because you married your H doesn't mean you're obligated to jump on the hampster wheel of dysfunction with him. Your not his emotional support dog, and deserve to feel safe, dammit. My DH kept trying to pull me back into the poo, too. I finally had to put my foot down and tell him it was about HIM and THEM; that I was worn out, overwhelmed by the years of excrement, and DONE. Disengagement saved my sanity and my marriage. Frame your disengagement as being about your mental health as well as self preservation; how can he argue with that?

When we step out of the equation, it creates change that can have a positive ripple effect. It brings us peace, but it also puts the problems back where they actually belong: on the failed first family. Without us in the dynamic, there's less distraction and no convenient scapegoat so the core relationships become the focus. It IS possible to do this in a loving yet firm way OP, but requires you have the courage of your convictions so you can stand strong. Your H needs to compartmentalize his relationships and stop coming to you with his skid problems, and you need to protect yourself and tap out.