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Teen SD MIA now wants to Move in (long)

AlidaLeigh's picture

 

This is only my second post on here. But I’ve read so many stories here that I completely identify and sympathize with. I have nobody else to talk to. 

My first post was about my oldest SD (19) who got pregnant and her and her BF were living w/ us. They did finally move out and get their own place before the baby was born. But their relationship didn’t work out and now her and the baby are back w/ her mom living 15 minutes up the road. Great. DH can see them whenever he wants and I can remain as detached or be as involved as I want to be. 

Moving on to the current situation, DH’s youngest daughter (17) is now back in the picture after 4 years of no contact. Four years ago she flipped out on DH calling him a piece of shit and a bad provider because he wouldn’t drop everything that second and go buy her jeans. This girl almost ruined my relationship with him. She would stomp around the house slamming doors wherever she went, calling people names under her breath and just being a terrible kid in general with a lot of mental disturbances. I came from a broken home so I tried with everything I had to have patience with it all. But watching my husband get treated like a complete dog has caused a lot of resentment. 

So now, out of the blue youngest SD is back. She’s had dinner w/ him, she’s been to our house, I’ve seen her 3 times in the last 2 weeks and he’s seen her 4 times. She asked him if she could move in with us. Things aren’t working out at her moms house, (no surprise) and she’s probably tired of living with her sister and the infant. She’s using us. My first guttural instinct is NO - absolutely not an option. We’ve already agreed numerous times that nobody is moving in w/ us again. One the other side of the coin, I want my husband to be happy and have good relationships w/ his kids. But it always come with a sacrifice on my part. The other thing is I have a great work opportunity opening up in as little as six months. So we’d be moving, something he’s been excited about with me. Granted it’s only about 2 hours away, it’s enough separation between me and kids for me to feel comfortable starting a life with him. I’ve tried talking to him realistically and making him realize that if she moves in w/ us, she’s got to move back out in the spring as soon as this job opens up. 

So what do I do? Is this the last chance I give him? Do I let her move in for 6 months and if he doesn’t move w/ me for my job we’re done. Or is this just done anyway because he can’t respect vows and promises we’ve made to each other? I don’t feel like a priority to him, at all. He would literally set himself on fire for his kids if they asked him. But he’ll break a promise to me without blinking. Like so many in sure, I’m scared to be alone. I’ve been with him for 7 years and given him the best of me. And I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to lose myself, and I already feel alone. 

Thanks for listening and reading. I just feel so lost and suspended in my own life. Nobody truly gets it like some of us on here. I'm trying to justify staying with him and the reasons are diminishing. 

Thisisnotus's picture

If you have already agreed that nobody is moving in with you again, then do NOT do it.

My own DD17 sounds about the same.....she stopped staying at my house when I refused one night (I was 9 months pregnant and not feeling well) to take her shopping for a new outfit the for the next day .....she went off on me....and said that because I had laughed out loud that evening...then I must not be that sick.....she has  not stayed a night at my house....since.

She has treated EVERYONE in my house like crap, including her sisters...physically and emotionally mean to them.

She's been living with her dad for the last 2 years....and acting like I don't exsist and that she is better that all of us....has nothing at all to do with her 1.5 year old baby sister....so if she asked to live me again it would be a big fat NO.

I, like your DH, "set myself on fire for DD17" and it didn't matter.....she still hated me...blamed me for the divorce...and what not. I finally had to stop.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Reading all of these stories fills my entire existence with envy.

I envy those who fell in love, got married, and had children - without carrying 600 tons of baggage.

AlidaLeigh's picture

Right. Me too. And it's his baggage, not mine. And I'm suffering and sacrificing for it. I just happened to fall in love with a guilt ridden father. 

Thisisnotus's picture

"guilt ridden FATHER"....so what do you make of that? Considering that I, as a MOTHER, deal with a similar thing that your DH does.

I don't carry around loads of guilt, but dads do....I have barely seen my child in 2 years and I have almost no guilt b/c I'm done rewarding her bad behavior or trying to win her back...she made her choice....I think of this often....why are the Dads all guilt ridden  but rarely the moms?

I know I was a good mom to my DD.....my exH was just hell bent on turning DD17 against me and he succeeded. But I was the stay home parent who raised her  did everything...I was the one volunteering at school...throwing  b-day parties...sporting team shirts with their numbers on it to their games....I took them to the doctor...I took care of them when they were sick...I bought their clothes and made their beds...read to them...taught them.....the list goes on...

Is there something to that? Like maybe alot of these dads weren't real hands on during the first marriage? And now they are trying to make up for it? There has to be a corelation?

And another example..........DH and I are going on vacation next month.....He just found out that SD12 has a performance at school that is gonna miss....so now he's all down and acting all guilty that he is going to miss it. That's what he said when I asked him today if he was excited for our trip.....he's all down in the dump.....awesome....another thing ruined I'm sure.

But me? While on vacation I am going to miss my DD14's athletic tournament...do I feel guilty? NO. Am I stressing over it? NO. Am I down in the dumpts? NO. I mean come on......

AlidaLeigh's picture

I think fathers have more guilt than mothers because women are stronger than men in general. We go through SO MUCH in our lifetimes that would absolutely break a man. My DH has never even dated a woman w/ kids. So he really had no clue what it's like. I think he tried very hard to make his first marriage w/ biomom work. But she was extremely abusive and ended up cheating on him. Has always torn down his character infront if the kids. So no surprise they treat him the same way. He has guilt because he's had a couple other relationships before meeting me, when the girls were little. He feels like he tortured their developing souls by having a couple failed relationships. But both kids have always had two parents that love them. They weren't abused, or neglected in any way. So now, and probably the rest of his life he gets to act like super dad. And super grand dad! Degrading and disrespecting himself at their every whim. 

Rags's picture

What is there about this guy that anyone could possibly fall in love with?

He fails over and over again to insulate you and your marriage from his tragic failures as a father.

smh

AlidaLeigh's picture

Why are any of us here? Sometimes the good outweigh the bad, sometimes not. I fell hard in love with him for promises he's broken and now I'm trying to figure out my life. 

hereiam's picture

I would not let her move in for the 6 months, especially since you have already agreed that no one moves in with you again.

She needs to learn to get along where she is at, she cannot just ping pong back and forth whenever it suits her.

 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

No, no and hell no.

You're already much nicer than I would be.

If I had a pregnant SD and was still married to my wife, I'd make my wife move out with SD, or I'd take my BD and move out myself, whichever path lead to less resistance.

You know you have a rotten kid, and you know that you CAN say no.

Say no. Save yourself that stress. It'll probably keep your marriage in tact as well.

AlidaLeigh's picture

I feel like if I stand my ground and say no, he will give me the ultimatum. And at that point I'll have to either leave him, or suck it up and sacrifice some more. 

hereiam's picture

But, at what point should he be concerned about your happiness and the health of the marriage? This is not a toddler we're talking about. This is a 17 year old who has chosen to have no contact with him for FOUR years and now wants to use him for a place to stay. He's going to kiss his marriage good-bye because she doesn't like it at her mother's?

AlidaLeigh's picture

Right. And he thinks that like magic she's just going to graduate HS and move right out on her own. I'm not stupid. She'll linger on continue to live w/ us with no direction or boundaries. 

SteppedOut's picture

If he is wanting her to move in, then he will likely decline to move with you in 6 months. Is that job opportunity something you are willing to sacrifice? That is what will happen...

ndc's picture

If he would give you an ultimatum over this, then it would seem that you're less important to him than a brat who didn't contact him for 4 years.  That being the case, it seems very unlikely that he'd move with you in 6 months.  If that move is pretty much a certainty, I wouldn't make myself miserable by sucking it up and living with his brat in the meantime.  He already agreed with you that she wouldn't be moving back in.  If he's that quick to renege on a commitment to you, then let him ultimatum you, and let him be surprised when you're not the pushover he expects.

AlidaLeigh's picture

I never thought I was a pushover until I was forced to sacrifice so much. I'm having a really hard time right now. 

Left out mama's picture

If he gives you an ultimatum he is basically saying he is 100% not willing to take your feelings into account and has no concern for your happiness. That tells you everything you need to know. 
being in a relationship and being lonely is a lot worse than feeling lonely because you are single.

notarelative's picture

Four years of no contact, then two weeks of contact and she wants to move in. Sure she's nice now, but I'd give it six days or less after move in that previous behavior returns. So, no I don't think she should move in.

This is not BM's house burned down and they are living in the car. If that happened I'd take her in. But, because she is unhappy with BM's house. No way. 

 

MissJulsie's picture

Absolutely not. Do NOT let her move back in. Under absolutely no circumstances. NO NO NO. 

Aniki's picture

he can’t respect vows and promises we’ve made to each other
He cares more about pleasing his children and being a doormat to them than making you happy.

I don’t feel like a priority to him, at all.
You are not.

he’ll break a promise to me without blinking.
He's a jerk.

 

I could not remain in a relationship with a man who repeatedly breaks promises and vows, puts his children above his marriage, and continually disrespects his wife.

Why do you stay? Please take time to seriously consider this. Don't you feel worthy of being honored and respected? Do you feel LOVED?? Do you love yourself? 

I would make a list with two columns: the positives and negatives. TBH, your story has so many negatives, I imagine they will significantly outnumber the positives.

AlidaLeigh's picture

I don't have kids. I think that maybe in society, parents are just expected to give and give and give unrelentlisly. So when DH and I talk about kids, he turns me into the selfish one. When really, I'm in this for us. I want him to be happy, but not at the expense of my sanity. I want him to be a good father but still hold me closest to his heart. I don't love myself right now. I feel like I'm having a full nervous breakdown every single day. I feel like I cannot believe that this is my reality. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Ok, so this is so tricky. I can't imagine being in your shoes and telling my husband to choose between his son or me. That is essentially what is happening here.

I think that before you give any answer at all the 3 of you need a long talk. Talk about boundaries, chores, general expectations. Maybe a 30 day trial before she is allowed to move all of her stuff over to see if the arrangement works?

AlidaLeigh's picture

I know. I don't want to be that woman that makes him choose his kids over me. I just want him to stand up and honor the promises that I've been given. Right now I think I'm just trying to process the shock of him breaking promises and expecting too much from me again. I haven't even started to negotiate house rules if that happens. 

futurobrillante99's picture

His daughter (17) ALREADY made a choice by ignoring him for FOUR YEARS!!

Maybe she was only 13 at the start, but why is it NOW, when she needs something from you? And what happens if daddy tells her no? Will she ignore him 4 more years? That's called manipulation.

Yet, you (OP), have been by his side and loving him the whole time. YOU and your needs and feelings do not matter to him.

So messed up.

shamds's picture

of so-called being nice was to move in so she wouldn’t have to pay rent.

end of the day bio mum and bio dad created this rotten mess, its upto them to suck it up and handle it without it affecting your spouses lives.

if sd was truly genuinely a changed person, she’d have long ago apologized to hubby, not out of the blue suddenly regular meet up and then go “oh me and mummy don’t get along well and she is kicking me out, can i move in with you??”

if your man would rather dump you for saying “no, i refuse to have a disrespectful shit living in my home again”, then you were never ever a priority or the love of his life to beginnwith

CLove's picture

When the eldest, Feral Forger, graduated high school and got a job, she was living with us full time. Shed just had a horrible argument with her mother, Toxic Troll, and had been choked and slapped, etc.

She got a parttime job, had no license and ubered to this job. She was also taking CC classes, so she was moving (slowly) in the right direction. Then she stopped staying at our home, which was fine, but there was no communication. NADA. And this girl is a pig who will toss her cookies in bed and sleep in it. So, about 8 months after she stopped staying with us, I cleaned and l cleared her entire room. Bags and bags of trash and donation, and some things for munchkin SD13. Then I installed my own furniture, clothes, plants, and a large fish tank. Took the door off, and made it a sort of dressing room, writing room. Its my favorite room in the house where before it was simply cold storage for FF trash.

Just a few months ago, Feral Forger got into a big arguement (just 1 of hundreds) with her mother, TT, and texted DH to let her have "her room back, to consider her more important than an OFFICE, to put her ahead of his STUPID WIFE for once."

Now our entire relationship she has been cruel, disrespectful and nasty. But I thought we had reached a point of neutrality once she moved out on her own. I did her taxes (for free) and got her over 1k back.

So, I tell DH, no, Im not giving my room to his toxic, mentally unstable, selfish, dirty pig of a daughter. He agrees. And because he told FF she had to talk to CLove if she wanted to move in, she cut off contact. She lives about 2 miles from us, and munchkin SD13 lives parttime with her and doesnt really like her much. Still no license, and just recently stole checks from her mother and cashed them. Hence her moniker. It used to be winona because she was caught stealing from a jc penney a few years back.

Heres the short answer: No, do not let her move back in, and if you are given an ultimatum, leave for that wonderful job and new life opportunity.

AlidaLeigh's picture

But what if he feels so completely responsible for her until she turns 18 and goes off to college out on her own? I understood over seven years ago when I told this man that  I would give him heart, that he had children and we'd pretty much be suspended until they're 18. I said yes to that and agreed to that. But after a four year gap w/ no contact?! It's scary how he's acting so "full steam ahead." I cleaned out her room/bathroom years ago. Have a nice guest bedroom and have been slowly trying to throw shit out and make ourselves move out ready. Not gonna happen like that apparently. 

CLove's picture

He should tell her she needs to stick it out at her mothers. Thats what my DH told Feral Forger. But she didnt put the whole "I realize Ive been bad" thing out there to guilt him. It might ahve worked out differently for me if FF hadnt been so overtly antagonisitc.

If he feels like disregarding his marriage in favor of his adult child, and her wants rather than needs, tis time to move forward with your life.

AlidaLeigh's picture

He doesn't see her as an adult - she's 17 and still his responsibility according to him. Even though for 4 years she hasn't seen him, he's paid child support and medical insurance and pleaded w/ biomom to get SD into counseling. All of sudden, she's his responsibility because she's back in the picture. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

It's great she's stressing she is changing.  But there's too much to risk should she move in and you then find her changes are still a work in progress.

If your DH is hell bent on this, have him rent an apartment for the two of them for 6 months. She can have her Dadee and he can see first hand - without you as a buffer/scapegoat - if she's truly changed.

Your sanity is saved, you'll have gained much needed time to plan your move!  To the great new job! No stress with the skid, no DH telling you to do more for her...

But having her move in ends your peace, happiness and will rob you of what should be a fun exciting time for you.

AlidaLeigh's picture

We pay a lot for the house we rent, DH would not be open to renting an additional place. Also, if him and I need to live separate for any reason, I'm done. That's not the kind of marriage I want. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

It's great she's stressing she is changing.  But there's too much to risk should she move in and you then find her changes are still a work in progress.

If your DH is hell bent on this, have him rent an apartment for the two of them for 6 months. She can have her Dadee and he can see first hand - without you as a buffer/scapegoat - if she's truly changed.

Your sanity is saved, you'll have gained much needed time to plan your move!  To the great new job! No stress with the skid, no DH telling you to do more for her...

But having her move in ends your peace, happiness and will rob you of what should be a fun exciting time for you.

tog redux's picture

Seems awful quick for her to be asking to move in, after 4 years of no contact.  And what does she expect as far as rules go in the home? Has that been discussed? Has she acknowledged why she didn't speak to DH for 4 years and now thinks he's the better option? Does she think he will give her more freedom? More money?

I'm sure your DH is glad his DD is back in his life - my SS was alienated for over 3 years, and DH is happy he's back. But if he had asked to move in after a few weeks of resuming contact, I'd have had a great deal of concern, and thankfully, so would have DH.

Also - is DH really going to move 2 hours away now that she's back in his life? That has to be discussed too.

bananaseedo's picture

I'm going to say no.  If you want to not appear as the bad guy- why don't you suggest to your honeymoon phased DH to just slow down and observe longer. Say:  She went 4 yrs w/out contact, then suddenly out of the blue is back in touch and weeks later asks to move in? It 'appears' she's trying to use us DH- maybe not, but we can't rush this.  I'm not ready to say yes to this either as we agreed no more kids living with us.  YOU need to slow down and watch her and continue building a relationship back slowly.  I can't immediately trust there are good intention or that this won't cause issues in our marriage.

AlidaLeigh's picture

I told DH it might take me at least 6 months to get to know her again. I don't trust her, I don't know her. And he's being used. He can have whatever kind of relationship w/ those kids and they don't need to live w/ us. 

Siemprematahari's picture

You have sacrificed enough....what more can you possibly give and do for this man? You have to draw the line somewhere and for me SD moving in would ABSOLUTELY not be an option. It would be a hill to die on for me.....given all the broken promises and the bullsh!t that you have endured.....HELL NO!!!!

If you give in to this now....there's no going back.

Please love yourself more and don't give in to this. Stop allowing this man to continue taking from you without even being able to reciprocate the love in return.  You will be more miserable and regret it.

Wishing you all the best in this new job that you have awaiting you. Much success to you!

stepper47's picture

I feel for you in this, if you are like me, you feel caught between wanting to "do the right thing" by your DH and his kids, but when you feel like you are essentially tossed aside (at least, you are placed behind skids whims of the moment), of course your feelings get hurt and you start to question your relationship.  That makes me feel guilty, like I need to rise above these things, but then I think...do I?  I am not an unreasonable person, why am I not allowed to have feelings and input into what is going on around me?

My SD16 also moved out angrily about 6 months ago, with a rocky couple of years leading up. At first she and DH did  not have a lot of interaction and she was pretty nasty to him at times.  She sounds similar to yours, in that something like not dropping everything to take her to Target makes him an awful person who makes her cry all the time.  If it were anyone else acting the way she did, he wouldn't put up with it, but the guilt makes him think that maybe she's right..maybe he is awful, after all, he isn't with her all the time, the least he can do is take her to buy some shampoo, right?  But when he catered to these things, all it did was feed her entitlement, and teach her that things = love.

My DH and SD have started communicating more in the last month or so, and things almost seem normal.  I am afraid of something happening at her mom's to make her want to move back in, I do love her and want to support her, but there has been so much manipulation I do not trust her. And I don't like what my DH turns into when it comes to his kids, the closest thing I can think of is a puppy running for affection.  I get it, he loves his kids deeply and just wants things to be good, but it damages our relationship when he does that at my expense and only makes theirs ok on the surface for the moment.

You should do what you feel led to do in this situation.  I think the best plan is to be up front about communicating your needs and expectations beforehand, put it in writing if you have to.  I think you should let your husband how important this is to the health (or continuation of) your relationship that the two of you agree and work together on this.  And if you guys have already agreed to move for your job, stick to that.  If your SD were in trouble or in "need" of a place to stay, maybe I would feel differently about that, but it sounds like she is just not satisfied where she is anymore.  You can't stake your future on tha . Best wishes to you!

Harry's picture

It's a trap. Once she moves in , she will change back to her old self.  You do not need the drama