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Suspicions Confirmed!

Dogmom1321's picture

I have posted on here frequently about how much SD10 struggles in school. A lot of it is academically, but the majority is her negative attitude towards school. Well we just learned last night that schools here are closing until Jan. 19th. We got SD10 school stuff set up at the kitchen table... computer, daily checklist, etc. 

DH woke her up and was trying to get her rolling. She kept complaining "It's too cold downstairs." DH "Well, we turned the heat up, put on a sweatshirt or something." Still refusing to come downstairs and do her work. Just outright being defiant. DH said "If you stay locked up in your room, you won't get any homework done." SD: "Fine, I'll come down halfway and just sit on the steps." I mean, she's just ridiculous. DH tries to be as nice as possible, but after being so defiant, he definitely does lay down the law and gets more stern and raises his voice at her. "Go to the kitchen NOW" We both don't like that it gets to that point. 

SD finally goes to the kitchen table. I'm in the connecting dining room with my WFH station set up. SD10 doesn't know it though. Then I overhear her talking to herself. "I just CAN'T WAIT to get out of here! Geez!" DH and I have both acknowledged that she prefers BMs house (we're 50/50), She absolutely hates our rules and DHs parenting. This is the first time SD has come out and actually said it. 

SD10 called BM the other night to complain about DH. BM immediately text back. "Can you not yell at her? I mean she is so sensitive and now she sounds depressed. It "hits her different" when you yell at her. She is just sooo scared to disappoint you and let you down" DH just responded "Believe me, I don't like yelling at her. But she gets and attitude and it's the only thing that makes her stop. I've taken away electronics, etc." BM went on to complain more about how DH parents. He just ended up giving the thumbs up emoji so BM would stop bothering her. 

I mean, this is definitely not co-parenting. It's pushing SD10 away. But what else is DH supposed to do? Let her fail school? Not parent because BM says she's "sensitive"? BM falls into the "I'm the victim trap". We are both at a loss. 

Advice appreciated!

tog redux's picture

It's none of BM's business how DH parents, and he shouldn't have conversations with her about it. IGNORE those texts and parent as he sees fit. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Sounds good. I mean, I don't think he has unrealistic expectations. Following directions, listening, and not being defiant/talking back... I mean those seem like the basics. 

tog redux's picture

Honestly, I don't think he's being tough enough - he shouldn't negotiate with his kid to go to school ... even if it's in your living room. 

ETA: If BM wants to work on a plan to motivate her and for rewards and consequences in both homes, fine - but he doesn't have to listen to lectures on parenting from his ex-wife. 

SeeYouNever's picture

BM tries the same tactic on my DH. it's always the same thing when he refuses to spend money on something that SD wants or if he disciplines her. Though the way he disciplines her is usually lecturing he doesn't actually punish her. apparently though lecturing and telling SD that she did something wrong and explaining why it's wrong is over the line.

After any sort of sternness on my DHs part both BM and SD are quick to threaten that they she will not be coming over anymore. 

The best part about it is that SD always comes to our house with homework and BM expects this homework to be done when she gets back. Though my husband making SD do the homework is always a fight. BM just loves to set traps like this.

Dogmom1321's picture

Yes! I 100% agree these BMs do it on purpose. Turning Dads that have rules into the "mean ones" so their kids don't want to come over anymore. It's like this unsaid competition of "I'm going to be the more fun parent." I really wish BM would actually treat SD like a child instead of a BFF. SD gets bent out of shape when DH actual "parents" her because at BMs she is treated like an equal. 

Thumper's picture

Tell BM to buzz off.

Do you think she is planning to modify for full custody?


tog redux's picture

Sounds like she's close to getting it via alienation. The kid already doesn't want to come over. 

Dogmom1321's picture

I think that's her MO. More time with SK without having to go through the courts and spend $$$

CLove's picture

The method Im trying is with positive incentives. Throw out some ideas "hey sd think of some fun things we can do when you get your work done".

BM can go fly a kite. Is SHE helping SD get her work done? Over here, Toxic Troll isnt doing squat.

We too get the tears and the complaints and the excuses. I just shoot them all down. You need to be in your "head space? Ok here is your checklist. Get this first thing done. if you get everything done we can all have a really nice weekend!"

SD calling BM and playing her against your DH, your DH needs to not put any oxygen on that fire. Keep to the 50/50. SD can say whatever she wants, she doesnt get to decide.

Dh also will take the phone and all electronics.

Munchkin SD14 has been doing her work pretty steady so far. We will see...

Its very challenging for kids to do the distance learning. We have to be a LOT more patient. The accountability that kids have through their teachers and their peers is not there and the parents have to hold the children accountable 100%.

I now realize this as does DH. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, i unfortunately realized this a little late. My daughter is in the 9th grade and is not taking to online learning at all. Went from a 4.0 to a 2.0. She was first in her class every year until now. It's a constant battle to get her to do her online work. She did fine with all classroom or paper work. I am seriously considering asking if she can repeat the grade and start over. I don't blame her dad or anything either. It's her. At her age, she has to be responsible and even though the format has changed, she has to adapt. I do what i can to punish and motivate her but i cannot do it for her. I have a full-time job and i can't be a high school student on top of it. It's depressing.