Surprise SK Move-In... meaning we have to relocate
I just learned that BM wants SK (14 going on 
to stay with us, rather than go home at the end of the summer. Thing is, she's a (mildly) special needs kid and our local schools suck. Not that the charter school she's been going to has done a damn thing for her so far. If anything, it's enabled her to continue her regressive behavior, since she hangs out with the very youngest students (whom she can boss around).
Her moving with us means we have to give up our lives here and rent in the nearest big town. Finding a rental that will allow dogs (I have three) is all but impossible. I don't have kids, and yes, humans are more valuable than pets, but I'm not the kind of a-hole who gives up her lifelong pets without a fight. They've gotten me through one hell of a lot. Sorry.
And if I did, I know I'd resent them big time.
Anyway. I don't have a say in this. My partner and I have been together seven years, but we're not married. This isn't going to be an "until 18" kind of thing, considering the kid could barely wipe her own ass last summer. No damn life skills that I haven't taught her... cutting her meat, washing her hair, loading the dishwasher, etc. I really care about her, but I've been encouraging DP and BM to push having her officially evaluated for psych/spectrum/whatever, to no avail.
Bleh.
Oh, yeah. I'd also be leaving behind aging family of my own, to whom I feel obligated to help out.
Thanks for letting me vent. All this happened after a miraculous opportunity opened up here (or should I say, I was told about the SD situation as soon as I hung up the phone about the good news) and i'm gobsmacked.
You're a better person than I
You're a better person than I am. If I was in your situation, boyfriend would be moving on his own.
No. You do not have to move.
No. You do not have to move. You have a new job opportunity. You have a home, family, pets. You are not married. He can move if he wants. You don't have to move.
Schools. Who says schools in next town will be better? Moving isn't going make her a Harvard student. Try the local school. It may surprise you.
It's June. BM has decided this now. By fall she may think differently and want SD to return home. You could move and SD won't be there.
What does the custody order say? Is it going to be changed? Will BM pay CS?
Don't do it
My undiagnosed (on the spectrum) SD moved in with us a couple years ago after mummy had a hissyfit. She is still here..... If only I had a time machine.
Don't upend your whole life for a child that isn't even yours.
Welcome to the site!
My SDs wanted to move in with us a few times over the years, the first time when younger SD was 13. This was not what I signed up for, and I said that I was not prepared to disrupt my entire life to allow this to happen, when she had a perfectly good home with NPD BM. You have an equal say with your partner as to what happens, personally I would just say no.
Yes you DO have a say in this...
This is YOUR life, too. If you just let your huband and BM take control of your life with no discussion, it is because you are letting them. And if you don't make it a discussion and agreement that you and your BF come to, you are setting a precedent for all future changes - that your bf and bm can decide anything they want for you. You have choices - stay where you are and let bf find a rental and move with sk, stay and let sk go to the schools in your area, let bm move for different schools, etc. Good luck.
Oh hell no!!
rags often says about equity life partners, that is what you are when you marry or in a committed relationship, so both have to discuss. The guy doesn’t just get to say “oh my ex called and says daughter is moving in with us so we’ll have to move into a bigger home because she can’t be effed to care for her anymore” no way!! Thats your partner making an executive decision involving your life, future, your home, your finances etc. These things are always joint discussions because these changes will involve your time...
my husband did this and i felt more like a staff subordinate to him when we should be equal life partners. So late last year it was no no no no no everytime. I started by asking hubby if he respected me which he said yes and i called bullshit to, because respectful partners don’t boss and bully their partners into executive decisions they made involving their partner and kids time without discussing it with them first before agreeing to anything then last minute pressure and guilt you into agreeing with them.
good partners certainly do not discuss for weeks or days in advance with their cod yet mention nothing to the wife until the day before so she is guilted into going. Trust me i called my husband a disrespectful arsehole and if he was gonna continue behaving this way then he could get divorced and be a single man enjoying the single life and explain to his family why marriage #2 didn’t work because trust me they’ll know you have issues...
especially with me studying at university externally it’s important i have hubbys support like he promised all these years so on weekends i can focus undividedly all my attention to studying so if hubby wants to play golf or go with friends, he needs to ask me first because often i have online exams to do that day or assignments to submit so he can’t just disappear for a whole weekend days with his friends.
Now he gets it and always asks a few days and if i say no because i have 2 exams to do that weekend, he stays home and watches the kids. No way hubby gets excused and palms off to babysitters like some advised here.
get into the habit of telling your partner “you obviously have no respect for me because you’ve made an executive decision concerning my life, my work, my home, my finances without discussing with me and thats not ok!!” Tell him you will not move or give up your pets. If partner wants to make executive decisions, great do it on his own
Nope. Not giving up my dogs
Nope. Not giving up my dogs or spending time with my elderly relatives so his daughter can be in a special school district. Sorry, SO, guess we will be having a long distance relationship.
Nope.
Nope.
Anyway. I don't have a say in
Anyway. I don't have a say in this.
I don't see how you DON'T have a say in this if this is a partnership. Why do you have to relocate, leave YOUR aging parents, and be inconvenienced because BM wants SD to live with you guys? This needed to be discussed with you 1st, not your SO just make that decision and to h@ll with how you feel and what you think. I get SD is special needs but there are other factors that have to be considered here.
I dont understand how your SO can make a decision like this without your input and it has to be this way.
Let your BF
Do what he wants, you then can visit him at his new home and see how life will play out before moving in to the new town. You may opp not to move with him. Taking care of SD will be a full time job, let him set up child care and all of that before you even think aboul living full time with them
Thanks for your support!
I had a little talk with him, and laid it out. I'm willing to move (it's only an hour away but across state lines) but not without all my dogs. And I wasn't going to wait the week's "cooling off" period to confirm her announcement of being done. I said I can't wait around for shoes to drop... you do what's right for you/your kid, and if it doesn't work out for me... well, I wouldn't be a good person to have in SK's life.
He seemed a bit shocked that I would be willing to "walk away so easily." I framed it from the position that I absolutely need stability in my life right now, and I'm done waiting on third parties to dictate my sanity. I'd be absolutely no use to his kid. God knows I've tried.
We'll see how it goes, but I told him I was acting on the assumption that I'm staying here... and that I needed enough time to come up with absolute, get-this-shit-notarized conditions before I'd agree to anything.
That was just the coherent stuff. I really unloaded. And it felt damn good.
Thanks, you guys.
GOOD FOR YOU!
GOOD FOR YOU!
I am so happy you decided to do what was best for YOU.
Good for you, stay strong
I would reiterate though, that a stepchild moving in causes no end of dramas; ones you wouldn't have even envisaged were possible at this point. Just don't do it! Once she is installed, it then becomes impossible to ship her back to BMs.
Good for you. You do not need
Good for you. You do not need to turn yourself into a pretzel for anyone else’s kid, especially when you aren’t asked/considered when enormous changes are being brought to your doorstep.
FWIW, I would never in a million years get rid of my cat for my skids. She’s been with me through a lot & I’ve already sacrificed more than enough for those boys, my pet isn’t something I’m willing to part with for ANYONE else’s children. Your dogs are your fur babies, and they’re just as important to you as your OH’s DD is to him.
Good for you. My DH better
Good for you. My DH better not ever try to get me to choose between his son and our dogs. SS would lose hands down.
You just make sure
You don’t become the automatic babysitter, Care giver, nurse. Cook and bottle washer. DH has to have plans on how his DD is going to be care for. Him hiring help to take care of SD. Him really pitching in. Not saying hr has to be at work on time and can’t do anything.
Personally I did not sign up for taking care of a disabled kid. With I not getting any inpitbinyo this, I would be looking to leave. Or not live with him but visit him
I'm glad you stood up for
I'm glad you stood up for yourself. Don't let your partner and/or BM walk all over you and make plans for your life without your consent!
What BM wants is irrelevent.
What BM wants is irrelevent. She is the CP, she can suck it up and care for her kid. The one advantage that NCPs have is that they do not have to take their kids if they don't want to take their kids. The CP has to suck it up and care for the kids if the NCP refuses.
I am glad that you were accertive with your SO. Live well.