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dave1's picture

Step parenting and heart breaks see no country, race or culture. Forgive my imperfect English. My language is Spanish, I am from Chile, I am a single 34 years old man without BC, I just broke up two months ago with my Ex GF of two years, I am suffering a lot now, a little less than last week, and less than two ago and less than two months ago, but it still hurts, when does it stop? I want to be the man I was, happy, relaxed and content in my singlehood without kids.
This is my story. I have a relative comfortable life, nice job, a carefree free style, do a lot of physical activity, look younger than I am, people say I have good looks, have confidence to speak with women and fortunately always had relations with beautiful girls. But this last girl I broke up with has my heart destroyed, it is better now, but I still miss her like hell. I have never suffered so much for a woman, I am disappointed in me, and I tell myself: ‘’man up! You look and sound like a 15 year old kid that is dumped by his/her first love’’ The nights and weekends are the worst. Then I found this forum and I feel a little better and more determined to move on and not going back to this girl.
I have had my girlfriends and lived together for long times a couple of times with some girlfriends..
Then a couple of years ago I met my recent Ex, 29 now, she has three kids, boy 9, girl 9 (they are twins), girl 6. I had the rule of never getting involved with women with kids, maybe dating but never get serious. But love happened. She is just stunningly beautiful; nobody believes she had 3 kids, guess she has great genetics. She couldn’t study when she got married, and didn’t want kids but her ex got her pregnant right away; they had a lavish life style based on dark business of the rat ex and BD of the kids. He was unfaithful to her and abusive, and didn’t allow her to study. One day she left him and took her kids with her, she loves them. She lived rough years of poverty and hardship. Working in menial jobs and surviving with the money her ex gave her, he humiliated her each time he gave her money. He wanted her back with him but she didn’t love him anymore. She had suitors but her BS never allowed her, the kid was too jealous, she thought it was better to dedicate herself to her kids since they were to small even though it brought her hardship.

We had been dating for many months when her economic situation reached the lower point and her ex lost his job and couldn’t help her anymore. Imagine her, no CS, no education for a good job because she just started to study after she left her ex, no good job, three kids, food, rent, bill, her university bills, etc We decided to live together. We were hopelessly in love even before that. I saw myself as her savior, her prince charming. I took full charge of all bills and expenses. Stupid me. I told her ‘’dear don’t worry I will take charge of things’’. For months I worked and paid the bills, she could dedicate herself to study and be with the kids all day, enjoy them, our plan was for her to finish her career, buy a house (me), and then the two of us working sharing the expenses, but for the moment it was me. Because we had the kids 100% time, her ex took them for weekends a couple of times a month. Here the laws of visiting and taking the kids are not very strong. He did it but it was a hassle it took lots of negotiating and fighting, I wanted to punch that creep, still hope someday to do it now that it is over, but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.
It was hard at first because for years she allowed her son to sleep with her every night. I am totally against it. The kid was very jealous and possessive of her. She seemed to have preferences with him over the girls. But though it was hard and trying she forced him to sleep in the same room with his sisters. The first year of us living together was heaven and beautiful, the sex was wonderful. We were really in love and all was perfect. I started to buy her nice her clothes to her and the children, toys, school items, presents. There was balance, during the weekdays she had the kids for her to play, and watch those stupid Disney movies the whole day. Weekends when they were at their BD we enjoyed ourselves, went dancing, dining, and going to the movies, perfect sex. I was the envy of the guys.
Even though I never wanted kids I went along very well with them, especially the girls. They never disrespected me or yelled at me. It changed a little my view of parenting. It made think that maybe someday I could have my own kid. The boy though polite was always distant to me, I tried to reach out to him but there was a barrier. I wanted to have a closer bond with him.
Some months ago she met a classmate at college. I bitch, a serpent that ruined everything. After she became friends with her my ex was never the same. This other woman is also a single mom, but her mother is rich and pays for all her bills, an adult stuck in teenage hood. This woman jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend, partying, drinking, whoring, while her mom took care of her kid. I am sure that this pest resented what we had and started to put things in my ex’s head. She started to go out with this woman, more and more and we in exchange started to share less time together. My ex used to travel by bus and walking everywhere; once we dated I drove her around in my car everywhere I saw for all her minor and big needs. She started to go to the gym with that woman at nights. So basically while I went out working my ex slept all morning. Used the facebook and watched cable and used internet all day (she didn’t have those things before me). When the kids came back from school it was all kids’ time and stupid Disney channel and video games, but I was ok but I don’t care as long as I am out working. But when I arrived late in the afternoon I started to find her mom in the house taking care of the kids while she was out at the gym with her new friend. She called me to pick her up; she doesn’t drive, so she didn’t have to take the bus. When she was home then it was time to study for her, so I fell asleep and she climbed bed around 1 or 2 am. It went on for some months. Sex diminished a lot. To almost zero.

She started to ask for more presents, clothes, money, hair treatments, and kids’ stuff. Financially for the first time in my solvent life it started to take a toll. I had to start taking out money from my savings account. Her ex still wanted her back and refused to give her any money and take the kids away on weekends. As I said here it is very hard to send someone to jail for CS. He was no stupid, he wanted our relationship destroyed. We had the kids all days with no free time for us. To make things worse in the last months the boy has become impossible, he reversed back to the ‘’I want to sleep with mom stage’’. He demanded expensive toys. He does awful in school and failed all subjects and has to repeat fourth grade. He is out the whole day in the street with problematic kids. But as soon as I went home he started to annoy being all night clinging to his mom’s skirt or getting in our bed. She then took the terrible decision to start to sleep with him again almost every night. The kid became difficult and more distant to me. She said that it worried her that he seemed to be more like his dad each day. Jealous, controlling, lazy, a liar, etc. That sounds harsh but she told me so one night it sounded sincere. My life became less happy each day with this whole situation.
I visualized my future, spending all my money, in kids that I genuinely loved were not mine. In some years they would reach teenage hood, difficult years. A hostile kid, less sex and feeling less rewarded. Our relationship became a routine. Me? An outsider paying the bills, but I felt each day less gratitude towards me. Each day of her revolved more around her friend. One day I told her that we needed to talk and that I wanted a change. I told her all this I was feeling and that the relationship was in risk for all these points. She wasn’t so convinced things remained the same, and actually she became colder to me.
I allowed some months, then after two days of she sleeping with the kid. I packed my things, gave her enough money to survive a couple of months, I had no financial obligation with her. I told her that I felt she didn’t value all the life I gave her, that she didn’t tried a change for the better of the relationship. She called me names: imbecile, not enough man, because according to her a man has to give and expect nothing in return, much less remind a woman all he is done for her. Then she told me something I didn’t know. Something I later discovered with people that know her was true. She said I did what other men have done before and will do after me. Give her money and buy her things because she is beautiful. That she will find another wallet that will see for her every expenses and couldn’t care less for me.
I left her and hope in God never look to back to those two wasted years. Even the great sex we once had isn’t worth it or all the love I had for her.

Lesson. Be careful. If you think you are a big wise man that knows the world a beautiful woman can drain your money and future. Another sucker one day will meet her, at first everything will be a paradise but then when that idiot gets married and wastes his life in some other bastard’s kids he will lose the rest of his life. External looks deceive. Those blond, long legs and the rest will start to fade away once she reaches her 30s. Those women that pretend to be quiet and give an external look of victims are the worst.

I sometimes miss her (the one person of the first year). What we originally had. But what doesn’t work once hardly will work the second time. I need to be strong. I know one day when the money I gave her vanishes which could be any moment now, she will call me. I really hope she better uses her looks to find another sucker so she never looks me and tempts me. I deleted her number blocked her from FB, I have zero contact with her.
I started to pay last month my first house, just for me, even though it takes me 15 years to pay. I will concentrate in my job, recuperate my damaged and once strong finances. I am doing more exercise, too. I will not this time get ever involved with a woman with children or a terrible past. Maybe someday I will find the right woman. I feel lonely now because I made the mistake for two years of centering my life around her, I forgot my friends and family. Never again. I read some of your stories and it helps me keep strong in my determination that I did the right thing of walking out of there before it got worse. I just want to be the happy carefree guy I once was two years ago. It will take time I hope not so much though. She hurt me by calling me imbecile, and calling me expendable and just one more of her victims. I don’t regret what happened though it has been a school experience in life, one I will never forget and hope never repeat twice. Sorry the long like a book post.

Rags's picture

You are living Rags' three day rule. The end of a relationship hurts the worst for 3 days. Then each day after that it hurts just a fraction less until eventually at some point down the road the pain stops and it is just an unpleasant memory that occassionally crops up. The key to succesful navigation of Rags's three day rule is to not re-engage with the X. If you re-engage then the 3day rule resets. Keep on moving on.

You have taken the hardest steps. Keep on stepping towards your future and leave this toxic beauty and her spawn ever farther in your rear view mirror where they belong.

I feel your pain. My XW was much like your XGF with the difference my XW had no children when I met her. Fortunately we had no children when she left me for her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar daddy either.

It took 4 years of focusing on me following the divorce for me to be in the right place to find amazing women worthy of my commitment. That is when I met several beautiful young women who each easily could have been my life partner. My amazing beautiful bride of 20+ years was the last of the beauties I met at that time. Sure, she had a baby that she brought to the picture but .... she had put the baby's toxic sperm donor in her past where idiots belong and she and I have built a great life together since then.

Take care of yourself and use this restart as the foundation of your amazing future. Beauty fades, character never does and when you find a beauty of actual character you will have a lifetime of amazing stories to share.

Good luck.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Wow you dodged a bullet on that one. You spent two years with her. Be thankful you did not marry her or have a child with her. She is a user. It is what you read about on here a lot except the BM's (birth mother) are not usually stunningly beautiful. Nor is the story told in a way that makes us think of exotic places. Your English is very good here.

Keep your resolve to move on from her. She was already moving on from you before the end when she was seeing the friend so much and asking for more things and sleeping with the boy child for her emotional needs. Her kids will grow up to be users as she is.

Find a woman who is beautiful inside as well as attractive to you, outward beauty as you say fades. Find a woman who shares your interests and is an equal in your eyes. While it is admirable that you helped the exgf, gratitude wears thin after a while and true colors show.

A true partner will not cause you to give up your friends and personal interests.

Best wishes to you. Stay strong. Time will heal the hurt.

dave1's picture

Yes. I dodged a bullet and escaped on time I think, wish it would have been sooner though.
It still hurts a lot because at some point we had something very nice, we were very close and stupid as it sounds sex was so good, probably the best I've had wich convinces me the she is a profesional in this business as user.

Her little BS behaviour, clinginess and our lack of bond was the trigger that made me run away. A talk with a long time friend that I had years of not seeing helped me decide. He advised me to leave her. When we were in college he did what I did and our female classmates thought he was a cute hero because he took the responsibility of taking care of a single mom of two kids that were in a dificult economical situation. He told me that for 10 years they squeezed him out all his money and when they grew up as teenagers they treated him very badly. They actually kicked him out of the house without any gratitude. He told me RUN WHILE YOU CAN, it was an eye opener.

Last weekend together with my ex when by a miracle my ex's mother took the kids away to her placer I was wishing to spend time with my ex, one last try, I wanted actually to try the new angle of being even more romantic, going to the beaches close here, do something nice the two of us for the first time in months and she actually told me that she planned to spend the Saturday with ver stupid friend ( sometimes I wonder if they were into some lesbian thing) for me it was enough, I didn't say anything and just smiled. While she was away I packed my clothes and most important things in two luggages in the car.

I don't think the neighbors noticed probably until days later when my car was not in the garage anymore. I wanted to avoid her the humilliation of the neighbors seeing me pack all the stuff.

Rags's picture

Dave,

I too went through my period of rescue project partners. Ladies who were beautiful but had a tragic flaw that I though I could fix or help with. That never worked.

Though on the surface an 18yo beauty with a 15mo old kid going to college full time, working two part time jobs, no car, riding the bus to work, and daycare, and walking miles to school and back certainly may appear to be a rescue project my bride of 20+ years was and is far from a rescue project. I was not all that much younger than you are when she and I married and began our life adventure together. She is more beautiful every year and gets just more and more formidable, successful, confident, and intelligent. I have to bust my butt to keep up. It is awesome.

Stick to your self confidence and do not settle for anyone who takes more from you than they give to you. True quality relationships do not hurt and true partners of character do not cause you pain and heart break.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

dave1's picture

Most of the things in that apartment I bought them. The bed ( she had a shitty bed) sofas, stove, fridge, closets, dressers, a big flat TV, etc. Were things thatI bought before her, I lost it all, I thought in my mind whatever leave those things there this is my chance to escape now if I wait for another opportunity I will hesitate or would feel bad running away with the kids there watching. I left with nothing I left many of my things there. I had an apartment in the city where I work before meeting her I initially wanted her and her kids to move here but she didn't want them to change school. So I moved to her town even though it meant for me commuting almost an hour to work. We searched for a nicer house for rent for us because where she lived was a pig sty really, she hinted me for months that I bought a house for "us" luckily I never did.

When I returned to my original town after we broke up I slept in a small room in a mattress in the floor for a week, no furniture, nothing. It made the whole break up even more hurtful to me seeing how low I was. Finally some days ago I bought me a nice little house a decision I should have done years ago. Little by little I am buying furniture and new belongings. But it will take me maybe a couple of years before I get where I was before economically.

That day when she returned and I told her I was leaving and the reasons why. She insulted me with all the things I mentioned. That I was an imbecile that there were and will be other men willing to do more than me for her because she is beautiful. It hurt. I left and haven't seen her or spoke with her ever since.

I never spoke with the neighbors while I lived there, and my ex had almost no friends exept that woman she met at college.

I was a little fine some days ago. My town and her town are away, I never saw her before we met. We met by the way on facebook, and now that I think of it she was kind of hitting on me more than me on her at first. The chances that I will see her or run into her again are minimum because I have no business, friends and relatives in her town and viceversa.

So I was trying to pick up the pieces of my life again and trying to be at peace and not thinking about her when I run into an old neighbor of my ex by a coincidente. He started to make conversation asking why I left. He told me that people in the neighborhood didn't like her that they felt pity for me because they thought she was using me. Some thought of me as a poor "chivo" (a sap guy that is used, it also mean male goat). He told me somethings very disturbing and far and different from the story of a poor suffering single mom that she and her mother always told me.

Yes, her ex-husband was abusive, irresponsible, unfaithful and mostly absent economically. And yes, after they separated she never lived again with other men because the kid was very jealous. So far it all adds up and probably she acted good for the health of mind of her children. But he told me that the suitors existed. That she never lasted more that two weeks in a job, because she is lazy and not used to work hard. That when her financial situation was extreme a new man with a nice car appeared in her life. She starts to get new clothes, gifts, receive money to survive (sounds to prostitution), then she dumped him of he got bored. She remains single for a while with the money from the previous boyfriend, not working. When things got difficult she pawns or sells her clothes, gifts and stuff to survive for a while and when things get critical she finds a new man with job and car and the proccess is repeated all over again. It was like that for years before I met her.He said that I was the one that lasted the most and the only one she lived with.

He told me that her mother years ago was the most beautiful woman in the town (she is now a very ugly hag, fat, baggy eyes, long nose like a beak, looks like seventy but is only forty something, I once saw her picture and yes she was beautiful. Maybe hard life makes people age faster). He told me that she was the same as the daughter that all women in her family are famous "zorras" (female foxes, skanks, gold diggers) that she changed men each year taking out their money and getting pregnant of different men , never keeping long a boyfriend because of her hard temper and never advancing economically either. My ex actually doesn't know who her father is and asvI said in Latin America CS is low and not reliable. One day she lost her looks, no men were intetested in her ( at least not young good looking men or even old men economically independent and solvent) when no new men appeared she has survived in the last years cleaning houses. I helped her economically the whole time I lived with her daughter(yes I am the biggest sap), because my ex never cleaned the house while we lived together.

My ex never advanced that much in the university in the
two years of our relationship and I doubt she will ever finish it. She is not used to working. Definitely she will end up like her mom unless she is smater and marries a stupid old rich.
man.

Rags's picture

Your XGF sounds like my XW. She left me early in my career for a geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy. We had been married for a little more than 2yrs. She was 23 and I was 26. Her sugar daddy was 53. She pumped out two of his out of wedlock spawn before he married her. He kicker her out divorced her when she got pregnant by her next boyfriend. Her third child was also out of wedlock.

Not long after her third child was born her 3rd husband married her and she and her parents and 2 siblings were investigated by the Feds for embezzlement. My XMIL pled guilty to embezzlement and the family settled with her former boss who owned the business they ripped off for several $Million. My XW's share of the settlement was ~$2mil and she has been paying on that for 5 years. My XMIL is due to get out of prison soon. If I were still with my XW we would have recently celebrated our 27th anniversary and I would be stuck paying off $millions.

So, in my experience you are far better off with your toxic beauty far behind you.

Take care of yourself.

dave1's picture

I know this forum is for step parents and I almost didn't speak about it as much as I did speak about my ex. I tried to like the boy, but he is like the mom, interested for gifts, money, no studying, getting thing in life the easy way. Even if she wasn't the fraud she ended up being I don't think I would have been putting up for long with that situation. No intimacy, a kid that is not mine climbing into my bed all smelly and sweaty. Trying to get between us. Maybe I could tolerate some things in a bio kid of mine. But another's man child? No thanks, that is not for me. I don't know how some people do it.

The daughters were a different thing, very sweet, we got along very well. I loved them and also miss them a little, I thought the younger how to read. I appeared into an instant family, there were sweet moments and I admit that after years of living alone it was nice to have a family. I admite that I miss it a lot sometimes. I never wanted children and was very careful not to get women pregnant. After this experience I am confused, I am in my early 30s maybe one day I will get married with a childless young woman, and maybe one day I will have a little daughter of my own. Sometimes I feel sorry and fear for those two little girls I hope they don't end up like the mother and grandmother.

I don't think that I will date again for some months. I doubt I will ever be the same person, I will always be suspiscious of women and worrying if they have a secret agenda. I don't want to be alone. But I rather be alone than seriously date a single mother.

Today I start vacation after some years of not taking one. Tomorrow I am going to travel to visit some friends in the coast which I haven't seen in a while and stay there for some days. I will try to have fun.

I abandoned my mom a lot the last two years. She didn't aprove my relationship and I turned my back on her, I regret it, I should have listened to her we became close again and she has been a great support. I love her.

Sorry for my extra long vents, I know probably many will not bother to read and this thread will dissapear after a couple of days. I just needed this weird therapy to write these thoughts. I still miss a little what we had but I also resent this woman, despise her and feel disgust and repulsion for her. Time punishes and people that are only looks when those are gone they end up with nothing.

These posts are real. I hope that in the future I don't have to come back here. Reading some of your stories it also helped me to make the final descision. Today I hope to move on and never hear from her again, from ex neighbors and friends, it only makes me feel bad. Bye everybody. Nunca es tarde para cambiar. Lo mejor está por venir para ustedes.

SweetMom's picture

Don't think it all was for nothing. There for a short while you made difference in the girls life and n the bratty boys life. You helped someone on their way and you will be rewarded. You can look at yourself in the mirror and hold your head high. I learned that for someone at the age of 40 that 3 years is no big deal but someone that is 10 years old, means a lifetime and will be carried on for the rest of their life. The woman was immature and loosing someone that done all that will forever live with her. However, it seems she never loved you in the first place to not notice you hurting. For a second in life she blocked out the biological dad of the kids and lived in this fairytale world that you gave her as being the dad and safe keeper away from the real world. It seemed that she was trying to get some of that teenaged life she missed out on and totally screwed up a good thing. Get yourself back and all the trophies that no one can give you but you. You're probably always going to keep your heart safe and a wall up. One day someone is going to come around and really fall in love with you and you're going to push her away and leave marks that hurt her. Make sure you are upfront with any woman you get involved with. If your ex tries to come back and she will try when another woman comes along, make sure you do not re light that fire because that woman never loved you in the first place. Bless you and find yourself. Sounds like you are letting go and doing that. Wish, hope, and pray your ex the best , no ill will. This will help you more than you know Smile