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Stumbled on something..

memyselfandi's picture

I happened to stumble across several conversations on FB between my husband and his daughter. They weren't very nice.

Some history of our relationship. We have been married for 5 years and together for 7. I've always treated his kids like gold from the very beginning and was told they loved me to pieces and were glad when we got engaged and married.

I haven't treated them any different since.

However, as mentioned, I stumbled across these conversations he's been having with his daughter when he left his FB up. I wasn't digging, yet they were staring me in the face. I couldn't believe what I was reading as I thought these people loved me but I guess I was sadly mistaken.

Several of them were about him divorcing me...and her encouraging him to do so. She said that she was tired of me always saying no to her when going shopping. That's a lie as the only time I tell her no is when she's exceeded the amount of money allowed to be spent on her. She told him that I can shop for myself, yet when it comes to her, I constantly tell her no (another lie). My husband KNOWS that she goes home with bags and bags full of stuff; and I always tell him that when she hits her limit of what we decided to spend on her; of course she calls him and asks for more. Of course he tells her yes.

That's when I become the middle man as she KNOWS she can mamipulate her Daddy..and I become the bad guy.

It's finally gotten to the point that I'll only take her shopping if we give her cash. When that cash is gone..she gets no more. Of course she doesn't want to spend any of it, so we go from store to store to store; her saying she might like to buy something, but then doesn't. In the end she gets to keep the cash and goes home with nothing.

Why go shopping then!??

She goes on and on to her Dad that I always want to talk her into the cheapest, most useless things possible and she doesn't want to spent her money on them. Told him I was boring and that she'd rather take the money home and spend it on her own.

Stinks dealing with a 16 year old as I took her driving in my car and she had a blast. The day I took her shopping with her pocketful of cash..all of a sudden she didn't feel like shopping because it was he own cash..not ours. When Dad asked her why she didn't spend it..again she told him that I bored her to pieces and she just wanted to go home and play the new X Box he'd bought for her.

Yep, Disney Daddy got her what she wanted. I almost feel like I'm in competition with him or something as giving her cash would make her want to go home sooner.

Any advice?

DreamingBig's picture

I would confront them both with it all. Make sure they face up to the lies. I mean if he's talking divorce, why? Because of what she is saying? There are bigger problems going on if he's talking to her about divorcing you and you have no idea he's even thinking that...
I mean seriously, your DH is talking divorce and you are focussed on shopping?
That's easy enough. As everyone says, don't take her. You don't have to.

peacemaker's picture

Unfortunately, by overcompensating her by taking her shopping, giving her cash, treating her every time she visits with materialism, you are both teaching her that love is either cash, shopping, or materialistic...
this is not good. My dh did the same thing to the oldest sd. He and his ex competed for her love by buying her affection. It was so bad, she had a brand new car by the 10th grade....

The sad part of it all is....when you teach a child that buying their affection with money or materialism, all you end up doing is producing an entitled adult whose love can be purchased (by anyone). The opposite side of the coin is...when people do not buy them something overtime they visit, the sd thinks that means they do not love her. It is sad to see her now a 45 year old woman who has been divorced three times, and still believes others owe her something "extra" every time she blesses us with her presence.

Your bigger issue here is with you dh and setting healthy boundaries for the sd. There should be an "us" zone that does not get discussed with the children. When he puts your daughter on the same level of information and discusses anything concerning your relationship with him...with her...He undermines both of your positions of authority as the "adults" in the family structure. When he does that, her undermines your position as his wife. That is why she is comparing herself to you...She does not know her role in the family structure. Most dh's on this site have made the same grave mistake.

Unfortunately, most dh's don't get it. (mine didn't)....They have allowed their daughters to cross the lines that are invisibly built in to the family structure when the family stays in tact. When the family breaks apart, those roles and the line becomes diffused and unclear. If they do not get intentional about maintaining that the two of you are married, no one should infiltrate that union and be able to cause division...no. not even the children. If you do not protect those boundaries...then there is chaos.

The third issue i see in you situation is the ability between you and your dh to communicate and problem solve issues. I would highly recommend a good counselor to help you...A lot of times when couples have issues, it isn't necessarily the issue that is the problem as much as it is the ability to communicate through the issue to resolve it...A third party mediator is a great way to move forward with that skillset...

A lot o times confronting them where they are now is for of useless because..they are just doing it "their way" The way she learned from him who taught her...So, neither of them are going to be able to step outside of themselves and observe what they are doing and conclude it needs to change without the help of a third set of eyes...again a good counselor can help your dh and you get a game plan as a couple first, then the sd will be dealing with a united force....

Ahh steplife....Peace.

Wifeypoo's picture

Peacemaker what you said in this paragraph really hits home with me.

"The opposite side of the coin is...when people do not buy them something overtime they visit, the sd thinks that means they do not love her. It is sad to see her now a 45 year old woman who has been divorced three times, and still believes others owe her something "extra" every time she blesses us with her presence."

This is actually a scenario that plays out with my adult SD35. She's not one of the horrible adult skids (yet) but there is definitely some dysfunction in our family dynamic regarding money. It's like everytime we get together it's expected that we will treat her to something pricey and if we don't, she feels "unloved." That's on top of what we pay for airfare, entertainment, hotels, and whatever else it costs to have a visit with her, her DH, and their 3 kids. We pay for all of it and yet those expenses don't seem to count to her the same as if we bought her something or gave her money.

Well DH and I are getting older and are really feeling the need to change our spending habits, and prioritize the need to save more for retirement, over spending lots of money on a grown woman. We shouldn't have to explain this to her.

peacemaker's picture

The sad part about his kind of dynamic is,...if your dh doesn't get it together and stop overcompensating her, he will mold her into someone who may betray herself and believe that "the highest bidder" loves her most...and she won't discover what true love is all about. He really is not helping his daughter out in the long run because he is busy trying to satisfy her short term illusion of her definition of what "being loved" looks like...Peace

SM12's picture

If your DH was agreeing with your SD and it appeared he was being swayed to consider divorce, print out the conversation and start planning an exit strategy for yourself.

Secondly, NEVER take SD shopping again. In fact, never taker her anywhere again. When she comes over, leave in your car that she enjoyed driving, and go shopping alone. Go hang out with friends or spend the day at a spa....anything but hang out with her. If your DH wants to indulge the little princess, he can do it on his own.

Stop trying to buy her love with gifts and attention, the price will only continue to increase.

My MSS complained to my DH that he didn't like me because I didn't buy him things. Of course he failed to realize that it was MY large beautiful home he would stay in when he came...and MY nice cars and MY food that he ate and MY internet he used.
He told DH that I never go to the store and send him picture of several items asking if he wanted them (like BM does).
I made it my mission to never buy him a single item again after that. Nope....Not again. And I have stuck to it.

StepUltimate's picture

Good for you. My SS17 has never and will never be taken to lunch or dinner or to a cafe by me again. Never told him this, just stopped after that last blow-out, which was a year ago this Fall after I took him to lunch one day. There are other specific privileges SS17 has lost out on permanently that are too specific and identifying for me to post here, but I've had it with pouring out my best for a teenage jerk who lies and disrespects. Very simple, and I consider it a favor because rewarding shitty behavior is just guaranteeing more of the same. I still love him but am D.O.N.E. done DONE with rewarding, in any way, the shitty behavior.

ESMOD's picture

My OSD was much the same about money. Her money was spent like a miser..other people's money? Nothing but the best was good enough.

Unfortunately, I really think that underneath a lot of her issues is that she is insecure about money and even about herself. Neither of her parents were completely stable financially. Her mother due to spending and her dad due to being self employed in a seasonal industry. So, I think she is a bit insecure about that. Financial stability is a big deal to her.

But, of course, she always thought her parents didn't do right by her. She didn't have the right clothes, car or whatever delivered to her. Again, I think that she placed a lot of weight on what other people saw and what other people would judge you on (in her mind.)

I was also the one who would get eye rolls when I would point out less expensive options, but some of that is just the age and what they think is important..we all know isn't but they are kids and completely self centered at that age.

As others have pointed out.. I would be less worried about your SD's attitude re your money opinions and more worried that your DH is discussing divorce.. and with her.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I would have it out with HIM...he is your problem. HE created this monster of a situation and you have no choice but to disengage from the whole big mess And, if you know he is being disloyal to you with his entitled mini wife, think about if you want a husband who actually cheats on you (with her). Don't you sacrifice enough already?

SugarSpice's picture

my skids have always been lobbying for a divorce esp the girls since they hit their teens. it was an elektra complex on steroids and they all were using their father as a surrogate love interest. it was very unhealthy.

discussing anything with a child, esp divorce, is a total betrayal of trust. your sd is spoiled little brat. i can relate because my skids were the same way. they wanted to cut out step mom so dad would spend more money on them.

you have been put on notice. start shopping around for an attorney so you know your full rights.

No Name's picture

Please don't do another thing or spend another dime on your ungrateful SD.
Just stop. No explanations necessary. You have other plans. Sorry. End of story.
And hey you can't say no if you don't go!
And boy oh boy is DH crossing the line when discussing your personal relationship with SD. My DH does the same thing and that hurts! I told my DH that he better believe that they went running back to BM with that information. Listen, I know that my skids would love for us to be divorced. DH told them and I did read a text from him to them asking if that is what they were trying to do. Duh? Of course they are.
I would invite your DH to go out to dinner just the two of you and then bring up the fact that you read what he wrote and ask him point blank what the heck is going on.
Oh and why or why are you all giving her cash. She should get a job for her spending money.