Struggling with my feelings in my marriage and with skids
I can't believe I'm even speaking these words but I've really grown unhappy in my marriage. The majority of my feelings are related to my SD's and my husband's lack of parenting.
My OSD20 stopped by last evening for a few minutes which she never does but her ugly attitude as soon as she walks in the door made me realize how grateful I am I did not allow her to move back in with us. She doesn't even have to say anything, it's the expression on her face and this isn't anything new, she's been this way her entire life. Mad at the world.
Then it's sprung on me that SD17 will be staying extra time with us this week. Do I have any control over that? No I don't but my DH does not communicate with me.
Later last evening there was another incident that my BD25's dog jumped up on SD17's bed and wouldn't get down and my DH came in and was rude to my daughter's dog and shoved her off. My DH and SD's are not dog people. Then I overheard my SD saying how she couldn't get my BD's dog out of her room. I've heard her several times when she thinks no one is listening talk rude to BD's dog. I am a dog lover so that kind of stuff REALLY gets under my skin. To me, how people talk to and treat animals, speaks volumes. (I'm not saying she mistreats our dogs because she doesn't, but you can tell she isn't a fan).
So when my DH came to bed last night I was just angry over the way he talked to my daughter's dog. But it's not even about the dog, it's everything else underneath that's been boiling over inside and out in me for a long time now.
I don't like who I've allowed myself to become due to this steplife. I'm unhappy. I have a lot of other stressers in my life, especially with my own BS22 who has struggled with addiction. I feel overwhelmed and just unhappy. I know my own happiness is my responsibility, not anyone else's.
I find anything and everything my DH does, especially when it involves his daughters just drives me mad. I try and pick my battles, mind my own business and stay within what I can change and what I can't. It's so hard sometimes though.
I love my DH but when I think about life long term, read on here how it doesn't get any better even after skids have left home and become adults, I secretly ask myself is this the life I really want? I take my marriage vows serious but I've let so much resentment build for so long that I'm having a hard time moving past it. I see how my OSD acts and I think, I really don't care to be a part of this for the rest of my life. My DH deserves a relationship with his kids but I honestly do not care to have one with them anymore. I hate I feel that way too! I try hard to be a good person in life but I've just had it anymore!
I'm really struggling with my feelings and I hate it's come to this. My DH and I had a really rough first 5 years of marriage. We have been in a better place these last 5 years but the past few months things have shifted for me and I'm just in a bad place. Yes, I go to see a therapist but that's been more to work through the my issues with my son and myself. The issues of being a SM is just another pile of crap. I'm sure my DH would be open to us seeing a therapist but the thought of working through all this makes me feel even more tired and overwhelmed.