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Stepkids acting rude and cruel

newwtostepguy's picture

I brought up to my gf that her SS (7) is mean and cruel towards me and other people and he does not listen. This is not a surpise to her because he is that way with her too regularly.  He makes rude, mean comments regularly, throws tantrums and does not listen to do what he is told daily. All she will say is "He's like that to everyone when he's not at school" and this is true. He is the same way with her, his father, his sister, his cousins, grandma, aunts and uncles, other adults, etc. I will admit my girlfriend's parenting is a little lax a lot of the time and her kids get away with a lot of stuff and kind of rule the house sometimes but I'm not in the poistion to be an authority figure especially if mom and dad aren't doing their part first. I feel bad for the kid sometimes because I believe he might have some type of mood disorder type of problem going on that's likely genetic (his father is a real piece of work and is very moody/weird type of guy). But I was just wondering if the behavior shoud be accepted because of his age or he should be evaluated by a psychologist or I should stay out of it? I have been picking him up at school on my only day off from work and he is regularly in a bad mood when I get him and not nice to me. I've been overly nice ot this kid trying to win him over. I will spend time with him doing fun things he likes, take him to lunch, etc only for him to be rude and mean to me in return mostly. It's gotten to where I don't really want to be around him and be spending my one day off work with him. My gf says I should relax and not worry about it because he's like that with everyone but it's gotten to the point where I just don't want to be around him much because it's not enjoyable and I'd rather be doing other things. Any advice?

tog redux's picture

I have worked with kids for close to 30 years, and when a kid has no trouble in school, but lots of behavior issues at home, all signs point to bad parenting.  He behaves that way because he's allowed to at home, whereas at school, he knows there will be consequences.

Yes, he should see a therapist, but not one who will see him alone, one who will work with your GF on how to be a better parent.

markwvualum's picture

Bad parenting is most likely to blame. The reason I say this is because the teacher tends to have a good handle of this kid's bad behavior because the teacher knows what she/he is doing unlike the mother. Single/divorced mothers tend to treat their children like delicate porcelain. They do this out of guilt. Children of divorcees tend to be spoiled and are often combative just like the bio parents themselves. But if you ever ask her why her child is out of control she will turn on you, get angry and blame everyone besides herself and bio dad. Don't fall for it. There's likely nothing wrong with this kid besides the fact that he has gotten away with his behavior for far too long to begin with. If I were you I would get out of this situation quick. It does not get any better, only worse and when the kids get older they have even more problems. Don't get stuck in the step parent trap like I did.

Want2's picture

Your gf should not be dictating your behavior around anyone her kid included. You’re the boss of you. You get to decide how you act. If you don’t want to continue being overly nice to someone who is rude back or spend your day off with him then don’t. As long as you’re not hurting anyone or being abusive you have no one to answer to. You’re an adult.

It sounds like you’re one of those people who gives your authority to others in the hope that they will treat you well in return. In other words the submissive type. There’s nothing wrong with that if you’re happy with it but I don’t think you are. So take your authority back and do what YOU need to do for yourself. Or keep doing what you’re doing and accept the results.

If you do choose to become more assertive it may be that your gf can’t accept it. She would rather you just “relax” and go along with the program. So be prepared for the worst as far as your present relationship but in the end whether you stay or go, you will have much more respect for yourself and be able to expect others to treat you with more respect. I think that’s what you really want based on your complaints isn’t it?

Step-girlfriend's picture

This^^ 

Yes, it may not be your place to discipline this kid, but you also don't have to take his sh*t, especially if you are "babysitting" him. You're letting a 7yr old treat you like crap, while doing your GF a favor and doing nice things for this kid? Nope. I would let him know you are not one of the people that will tolerate him acting like that to you. If my SO's kids ever decided to treat me like crap, they would learn real quick that it isn't acceptable. I would tell them myself, and then I would tell my SO that it's not acceptable, and ask what he was going to do about it. Your GF is unbelievable, honestly. All of her behavior is mind boggling to me. And, I hate to say it, but sometimes it seems like you are passive and let your GF rule the roost and treat you like crap, plus let her kids and ex treat you like crap. I'm curious what positive things you are getting out of this relationship. Anyway, It seems you have a few choices about this:

1. Stand up for yourself to this KID, and tell your GF it's not flying with you anymore, and you most certainly aren't going to be watching him when he's treating you like this (WHY haven't you done this already??). Have you seen the movie Step-Brothers? Where Will Farrell gets beat up and picked on by the grade-schoolers at the school nearby? This reminds me of that....

2. Stop doing anything for this little heathen. Do not watch him on your time. Do not do nice things for him. Do nothing for him.

3. Accept it and take his crap.

4. Dump your GF, because she isn't the girl for you.

Rags's picture

Nothing a swat to the ass followed by a twisted ear march to a corner to stand for hours holding up the intersecting walls with his nose wont fix.

Zero tolerance of crappy behavioral choices followed by escalating age appropriate consequences that deliver a state of abject misery works wonders in correcting crappy kid behaviors.

Apply the misery. Watch the behaviors improve.

Goodluck's picture

Dear Rags,

Thank you for that deep in my soul laugh.

sammigirl's picture

Rags:

Maybe OP should do as you suggest to Mom and SS.  Lol......