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Stepdad with Stepdaughter Problems

dh1985's picture

So, I've been with my wife as a couple for almost 6 years, we've lived together and been married around 3 1/2 years.  So,  I've been in my stepdaughter's life since she was 7. She is now 13. I see a ton of women on here with problems with their husbands' daughters,  but what about men who's wives' daughter is a problem? I feel like I got a year and a half maybe two years of what seemed to be a sweet young lady, but since she was about 9 or around 10 she has progressively become more of the attitudinal, over dramatic pre-teen teenager. (Sidenote:I have no boilogical children of my own and they are never going to be an option in my marriage.) She's rude and disrespectful towards me and her mother,  but 90% of the time when I try to correct her it turns into an all out screaming match, it seems, and then I wind up getting scolded by her mother,  usually in front of our daughter(this infuriates me). I often feel that as a step parent i have absolutely no control in the house that i work hard to pay for and work hard at upkeeping. It really does depress me quite often that I always seem to be turned into the bad guy in my own house all of the time and there is no where to go and nobody to talk to about it. 

Kmommyof388's picture

Speaking as a stepdaughter to a really good stepdad he went thru absolute he'll with me in my preteen to teenage years...hes been in my life since I was seven (my dad died when I was six) and I'm 31 now and im his "favorite daughter" teen girls go through this terrible business when they hate most authority figures and it doesn't mattet how much they love us and give us for whatever reason its not enough cuz youre not our real dad lol its silly and I wish I understood why I was so angry at him all the time but all i can say is it gets better and she will grow out of it hopefully with more understanding with your position

MissTexas's picture

but, as you may or may not know, SD is only a symptom of the problem. Your WIFE IS YOUR PROBLEM. She has taught SD that the two of you are not a "team" who have each other's backs. SD knows this, because she's seen it in action and can prompt it and play it to the hilt. Your wife most likely suffers from "divorced mommy guilt" for breaking up the family, so she will go to her grave advocating for her child, so as not to allow her to suffer anymore injustices.

You're wise not to add more kids to the mix!

You are giving way more than you are getting. 

Dr. Henry Cloud has a series of books on "boundaries" for both marriages and children. I would suggest trying to start there, but if your wife isn't on board, it may be futile.

Several women have recently posted they are in a similar situation with their SO's or DH's "kids." 

Maybe we need to set up a dating section here! LOL Of course I'm kidding.

You have very little baggage, and your wife is magnifying things, and she alone is the problem. She is teaching her daughter (enabling) how to manipulate the situation. If things stay like they are, this is a recipe for disaster, and the road leading straight to divorce court is being paved.

1wonder woman's picture

My parents were divorced when I was 7 years old and trust me... I gave both my step mom and step dad a hard. I feel bad now...  Teenagers are moody anyway especially girls... not fun! But I will tell you this... You and your wife have to be on the same page at all times when it comes to raising your step daughter. My SO has a 12 year old daughter and in the past there were several times I will go to discipline her and she has smarted off to me you do not tell me what to do you are not my mom... or my SO will feel sorry for her and side with her... or there were a couple times he would raise his voice at me in front of his kid and he'd go to argue with me in front of his kid. Well I sat him down I told him no more... he is not to raise his voice at me in front of his kid and we both have to be on the same page no taking his kids side of things.. he will show me respect and his kid will show me respect too or I will disengage and not be around his kid at all if he can't stick to our agreement. Well after I sat him down he agreed he would stick to the agreement I must say so far this past year I have seen a big improvement. We agreed we will never raise our voices to each other in front of his kid and we are to never fight or argue in front of his kid and he is never to side with his daughter we are to stay united on the same page.  His daughter knows now she is not to go over my head to her she will do what I say and respect me just like she respects or mom and dad. No way would I allow his daughter to yell at me...  Four years ago right after he moved in with me I bought a wipe off board and it has our house rules wrote on it and one of those rules is no yelling in the house... We showed his daughter our house rules board and one of those rules state we have a indoor voice and an out door voice when you are inside our home you are to use your in door voice no yelling. So far the house rule chart works but it only works if both parents enforce the rules and make the kid follow and respect the rules. Again you both must stay on the same page... or these kids especially teenagers will get their way with you.  You will not win they will! 

beebeel's picture

I have a stepdad. He married my mom when I was 14. We had zero problems because my mom would have taken everything I held dear had I ever dared to disrespect him. Your wife is failing as a parent and a spouse.