Stepdad here, just got burned... again.
Married a year and a half, before that dated and lived with off and on for like 6-7 years. The step kids are girl 14 boy 13. I love them to death. Their bio dad has limited rights after he was found passed out drunk within an hour of dying of liver failure in the nearby park. We have a 1 year old daughter and another one on the way. These step-kids now they are very nice polite kids, but very withdrawn. They didn't know how to swim didn't do sports had mediocre grades, didn't experience much of anything couldn't look at you in the eye when they talk to you fidget etc etc. AND THE REASON IS THEIR REAL DAD STILL TALKS TO THEM LIKE THEY ARE 4 YEARS OLD and always has according to my wife. Anyways I made them do an instrument and 2 sports MADE THEM and enforced the times they do it. Encouraged and got daughter into leadership where she is doing speeches in front of whole school and got elected into high school leadership, if you knew her before you would be amazed. Son just brought back a 4.0 and is amazing at band and jazz band.
Step son treats me like a buddy and speaks to me 3rd party through mommy and when talking to friends on line said oh that's my uncle..., step daughter makes up stories of me to her friends via text doesn't want me at her events is apathetic toward me and also speaks to me 3rd party via mom. No matter how much time and effort I put in to them I can't seem to get the respect of a father figure. I think this is why step parents feel burned and drained etc. I think it's a lack of honor and respect. Hell they give more respect to a total stranger than to me. Oh and btw I got with their mom after the divorce so I didn't cause the divorce or anything. My wife agrees with my discipline, especially since she sees the results and their confidence level is going through the roof. However, at times it's generally 3 vs 1 no matter how much I try to deal with it. At times I feel alone and disconnected. Being a step dad is rough as hell. Can't wait for our bio kids to grow up and see if their is a difference in attitude, love, etc. Well thanks for listening. Oh the reason I wrote this is cuz it broke my heart when my step daughter literally said she didn't want me to come to the leadership meeting which is a parent kid event. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to give anymore, what's the point, I mean I'm not gonna force them to like me let alone love me, ugh anyways that's all I got.
I do feel that your wife
I do feel that your wife needs to back you up more. If my children disrespect my SO (either directly or indirectly) I pull them on it. It is NOT acceptable to exclude you from her events. Your wife should insist that you attend or not attend herself. Not as the girl's parent but as HER husband.
If someone invites me to a party but they say, "hey, don't bring your SO", I decline the invitation. Anything less is allowing that person to disrespect him and our relationship.
I have to say, I would give ANYTHING for my SO to be as involved in my kids' future as you are with your skids. Anything he does that might better MY kids future is seen as stealing from his own kids?! You are keeping a long-term perspective and trying to raised well-rounded adults. That's really laudable.
Ask your wife to support you in that. She doesn't know how lucky she is!
This was my DW for a number
This was my DW for a number of years, except that she **was** directly undermining me. I completely disengaged, and things got better. SD18 eventually got herself into so much trouble that she had to go live with her "perfect" bio-daddy so that he could straighten her out. I've been skid-free for over a year, and am loving it! (except for visitation - PUKE!)
I can relate to this. When I
I can relate to this. When I took this job with his 3 kids, they were all very insecure, played video games and ate junk all day, They got in fights and arguments every time they played outside and in all honesty they still don't look at me when I'm talking to them unless I'm offering something they want. They had no exposure to music and never had it playing even though their father is a musician who loves music..he'd been out of touch and depressed for years. I'm also a musician so I started exposing them to it more, put them all in sports and other activities based on their individuality. I, like yourself, get no accolades and no respect or love for it. "mama" left, never calls, just ducked out on her week with them so it'll be months til the next one...and I'm here doing homework, meals, snacks, shopping,etc..but she is the heroin in their life-second only to dad-who they like having happy and back to living but want it for them with me well backed off..some days I want to grab a bag and run..I feel ya.
Hoping that skids will
Hoping that skids will appreciate you for all of your efforts and sacrifices? You might as well hope that Bigfoot will show up at your house, riding a unicorn, carrying a leprechaun in one arm and the Easter Bunny in the other.
Step-fathers are not as well represented here, but there are some stories. Read some of my posts, and you will get a good taste. I can't tell you how many times my then 4-year old step-daughter gleefully corrected strangers when they mistakenly believed me to be her father - "He's not my dad, he's my step-dad!"
Best advice to you is this: disengage from these ungrateful skids, and focus on your wife and your "real kids."
First of all ... I understand
First of all ... I understand your frustration and heartbreak.
Second ... who gives a shit what the SD wants as far as your attendance. Not her call. It is entirely your call so go and if SD decides to not enjoy herself ... tough shit and that that is her choice.
So, do not let them get under your skin. You are their dad and you should be there whether they want you there or not.
As for refering to you in the third person via your wife.... I would shut that shit down in a hurry and the point to shut it down at is the wife. Let her know that you will not be disrespected particularly by her acting to facilitate that bullshit.
As for the Skids appreciating you and what you do for them .... if they are anything like my Skid they will. It will be heart breaking for them, for you and for your wife when they they do come to that realization because it will mean clarity will dawn about how big of a POS their SpermIdiot is. My own son (SS-20 - His mom and met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2) has had several periods in his life where he came to this realization.
Most recently this past week when he was recounting to my dad how one of his three younger also out of wedlock DipShitIot spawned younger half sibs ended up in jail for drug charges and for pointing a toy gun at a police officer. SS was telling my dad that his "dad" long pause ...... "David" is such a bad influence on the younger sibs that my son was going to have to fly to SpermLand to try to counter some of the SpermIdiot's influence on the younger kids. SS has always called me dad and DickHead by his first name unless he is speaking with anyone in the SpermClan. In some ways it makes me proud that he realizes that I am his dad and that his SpermIdiot is a worthless POS. On the other hand it breaks my heart that he has to live with this realization.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Sincerely.
^^^THIS. Best reply. Go to
^^^THIS.
Best reply.
Go to the events YOU want to go to - you are the adult and the kid doesn't get to chose these things. If she chooses to be pissy and miserable about it - that's HER choice to make.
Have a serious and heartfelt discussion with your wife. No blame, no anger or fighting just tell her exactly how you feel, and what you need from her - which is for her to continue with the discipline etc you have set up - but be the MAIN instigator. And for HER to not allow their disrespect.
I do this for my SO, if my kids attempt to pull this stuff (not speaking to him or being bad-mannered - mine are 7 and 10 and very reserved - they are getting better though - we are only 18 months in to living together so the relationships are developing)
I am also a skid. My parents split when I was 15, my mother remarried very quickly (to be clear - dad had an affair and left with other woman, mum met new man and married him about 18 months later) I was 16 at this stage - VERY hard to accept a new man in the father role. I was painful to him, but my mother never allowed it, and he just kept on being himself and doing what a parent does. And now, nearly 30 years on, he is my second father. I love him, I respect him and I appreciate all he has ever done for me.
So, the teen years suck for any parent, but they will with care and a bit of luck grow out of it, grow up and come to realise what a great dad you have been, and life will even out.
Chin up and keep up the great work.