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step kids are saying really hurtful things to my 3 yr old son

so confused's picture


I have been in a relationship with my soon to be husband for almost 3 years. He has 2 girls with his ex, i have a son 3 yrs that he has raised and we have a 10 mth old son together.

Recently i noticed my 3 yr old son acting very strange, really sad and very angry at times. we have his 2 girls 50% of the time and when we would tell him the girls were coming home he would cry. I of course was prying to find out what was wrong with my lil man....eventually he told me that his step sisters were being really mean to him!! He would tell us at times that they were hitting him but we never really saw it happen but we would see him hit them. After a few months i got sneaky and would spy on them playing and caught them hitting him and he would hit back ect. I brought this to my SO's attention but nothing really came out of it.

About a month ago my son started using the word "hate" which confused me because i dont use that word around him. He started telling me that I hated him and daddy hated him and that he was a bad boy ect.....when he said this to me i broke down and tried to explain to him that he means the world to me and nothing he could do would ever make me hate him and that mommy love him so much!! And of course my SO told him the same thing...I figured i had to talk to the girls to see if they knew anything or had been saying things to him.

I took the girls for a walk and asked them straight up what the hell are you guys saying and doing to him. I stupidly told them if they were honest i wouldn`t be mad and that i just wanted the truth!!! Well they admitted with no thought behind it that they have been telling him they hated him,and that mommy and daddy hated him and that he was a bad boy! They also admitted that they were hitting him and he would hit back and tell us they didnt touch him! This mad me so angry that these kids would say something like this to my son a 3yr old boy like really wtf!!!

At any rate i made them talk to him and say they were sorry and that they didnt hate him ect! I thought that it would stop! Boy was i wrong......he was going on and on about everyone hating him last week and saying that he hates this and that ect! And it was making me so angry, so i knew come monday i had to talk to the girls again....sure enough they apparently forgot that they were not aloud to say those things to him or anyone else!!And so it 3 yr old son is talking about dying and stupid sh%t like that and it is making me so mad at the girls i can`t even look at them without having the same feelings of hate!!

I told my SO tonight that if it dosen`t stop that i can not stay in this relationship for the sake of my 2 children! There is no way a child should have to live life thinking his parents hate him and that no one wants him ....f*$k them!! What should i do is this normal É cuz if it is i dont want any part of it.........

PoisonApples's picture

How old are the girls?

When are they saying these things? When are they alone with him to hit him and say things like this without you knowing about it?

I would think that the first step would be to eliminate any chance they would have to do these things. Are you leaving them alone together KNOWING how they treat him? If so, that needs to stop.

The punishment for hitting a 3 year old was to tell him sorry? Are you kidding?

I think you need to calm down and take control of the situation. First, give them no opportunity to do this to him. Second, MONITOR the situation and see what exactly is happening. Third, IF it is happening step in at that moment and stop it. Fourth, IF it is happening punish the girls appropriately IMMEDIATELY.

fugfrog's picture

Omg - I just joined this site and this is almost exactly my problem!! I unwittingly left my baby boy with his 7yr old stepbrother and I didn't realise the awful things that were happening to him. I couldn't work out why my 18month old who was so placid would hit his older brother all the time and we would have to get him in trouble and everything. Then one day (didn't cross her mind to tell us when we had our baby) the ex tells us to watch out because the kid bashes her other kids. Yeah. So I do the same thing, start spying on them, I could not believe that a 7yr old would think of hitting a baby the way he was! And saying nasty little things to him - but where no one would see it! Then when I talk to him he just denies it all. I say - but I just saw you doing it; doesn't matter he will just refuse to admit he has done anything wrong.
So he is not allowed alone with my children at any time without an adult present. I also put him in the bedroom with a really creaky door so I can hear him get up in the morning because he was getting up and doing nasty things to my kids then sneaking back into bed.
Can't stand him - and it means I constantly see him as a threat, so I can never just 'like him'. You know what it's like when it is your own kids - I know it sounds bad, but it's different. I just can't like him at all anymore knowing he is such a manipulative and violent little boy.
But yes - stop them being alone together - even though it's hard!

tofurkey's picture

Like poisionapples, i'm also curious how old these girls are? I agree that the punishment should have been FAR more severe and far more swift. First they think bad mouthing and slapping is okay, then what does it escalate to?

Dh should be ashamed that his girls are acting like that. Manipulating a 3 year old and putting their negative nasty attitudes on him is not okay. You would think that he would be more concerned than he seems to be by reading your post.

so confused's picture

The girls are 6 and 8! I put them in time out and took away bikes ect but how do i punish them other then that?? they are not my kids! I know what i want to do to the lil b*tches but come on?! I do my best to keep them in my sight at all times but sometimes i cant always be RIGHT there.....we have a play room and alot of the time they are in there and im making dinner or dealing with my baby....

Im here to find answers cuz im so lost in this. Believe my lil man does get agressive with them if they say that now and if they hit him he pumbles them back and they are the ones hurt! But its the name calling and the words being spoke to him that bother me the most! For the most part when it comes to punishing the girls i leave it to there dad because i dont want to deal with the sh*t from the BM. My SO is too afraid to really punish them or says what do u want me to do? I just know that im ready to walk out because of these kids. Im not by any means a perfect parent but im ready to blow!

My stress level is threw the roof and when they go home our lives are so much better and they come back a week later to stay for a week and everything goes to shit!!!

tofurkey's picture

That's unfortunate that your DH refuses to give his girls consequences for this. I mean does he not see where this could lead?! If I were you I would really put my foot down with DH disiplining his girls for this. He needs to step up and show them that kind of behavior isn't tolerated. Obviously they don't fear or respect any blacklash from you, sounds like he needs to be the one to get dirty on this one!

so confused's picture

I do agree this is for him to show them its not tolerated and i spoke with him last night he told me hes going to think about it and figure out how to deal with it. I also know they do not respect him either! He really thinks that they couldn"t do a thing wrong! He said to me the other day that the girls dont even know what the word hate means.....and when he asked them they told him right away what it meant!! piss me off! But please any suggestions on punishment that won't end with me in jail???

so confused's picture

I must say it felt good to vent and im glad i found this site last night, and i just told my SO now that i want it dealt with asap or further action will be in effect! im so nervous he is working and i wil have all four kids after school! wish me luck.

Elizabeth's picture

Can you put a baby monitor in the play room and keep the receiver with you? Then the second you hear inappropriate talk, you can deal with it. Frankly, to punish the girls I would not allow them to play in the play room while your son is there. They cannot be trusted. I did this with SD one time, made her stay wherever I was in the house. It was the worst punishment you could think of for her!

so confused's picture

lol i have done that to them b4 but for some reason i think they make the soap more mild now a days......I never repeated the things i got my mouth washed out for!!

so confused's picture

Thats a great idea Elizabeth i never thought of that! I will put the baby monitor in there b4 they get home from school!! Thanx!

so confused's picture

He dosen't think i will leave and gives me shit for resorting to leaving. He says he knows something has to be done but has no idea what to do! He likes to play the victim at times so he doesnt have to deal with it! he wants me to deal with it! today he said well then we should get professional help but i can"t help but think its just a excuse do delay things to see if they just stop! We do have a good relationship and get along great we argue once in awhile but only about the kids(girls)! He is also stressed about everything going on! he dosent want our son to be hearing the things they are saying ect but says he has not had time to deal with it! lol it sounds as pathetic writing it on here as it does when it comes out of his mouth!!!! ughh

so confused's picture

Lol i wish my BS would tell me no mommy it was bad! but when they hit him he doesn't hesitate in hitting them back! It does however make me feel a bit better knowing im not the only one dealing with this crap. I guess it really boils down to what DH does next!!! cuz i have had enough! thanx for the feed back everyone!!

keepinit2gether's picture

Do not ever put your hands on someone elses child!Thats horrible advice! Not only can BM have you put in jail but you have no right! Im a step and believe me when i say my skids are rough. My ss punched dd in the face, hes bigger a yr older. I def threatened him after screaming like a banchee to dh. And swore which i dont do:) I said dh get you effin but in here before I beat the life out of this kid! I then turned to ss and said Oh so now your a tough guy woman beater? How bout I call the cops? youll go to jail with real bad guys for the night! I acted a little nuts and then no no I dont think thats good enough..your so tough you can beat on a bout you hit me, Just once go ahead. He refused in tears. I told him next time he wants to act like a woman beatin man that I will hit him like the man he wants to be and i promised that he would not be shown mercy. How ever what I do and what i say 2 diff things. Out of anger I would prob grab or restrain my skids in order to protect other skids or kids. Tell Dh to slap them girls butts himself. Take their tv away. make them stand in the corner every time they even raise a hand or speak nasty. take everything out of a room and let them sit in there alone with a text book they can read yet.

hbell0428's picture

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I too have a lil man....mines 4 and I would be furious if that had happened to him. I would have went straight to BP that is just crazy; You are right about not staying in the relationship if it continues. Bk first. Good luck and I am sorry you had to deal with that

Rags's picture

A 6yo and 8yo beating on a 3yo is completely unacceptable. I would make it abundantly clear to the girls that if they ever hit their younger sibs again that you will drop their drawers and light up some plump little girl ass. If they test you ... light their little asses up.

I am 6yrs older than my little bro and 8yrs older than my youngest brother. My parents never tolerated fights between us. It was clear that if we fought each other we would have to fight dad when he got home. As the oldest it was also made abundantly clear that it was my job to mentor and protect my younger bro's and that if I ever fought with them that it was my ass.

My youngest brother died when I was 9 (he was 10mos). My surviving younger brother has been my life long best friend. We have never had a physical altercation. We wrestled when we were kids but when things started to get out of control I always stopped it. As the oldest sib I had the message loud and clear from mom and dad. We both understood that we did not fight ..... ever.

Best regards,

Most Evil's picture

I think I would give these smartass girls a spanking myself, and damn the consequences.-! That is how heinous this is, and if your DH objects I would dump his ass-!!!!!!!!!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I would not spank Skids(or do the soap washing thing ever- that is dangerous btw.)But those brats should be punished- I would use the baby monitor and stay close by so you can act quickly.Time out and toys away and a serious talk as soon they do that.They obviously think they can get away with it and nobody will know.Protect your 3 year old !