Step Father birthday, should I cover/lie for him??
Mom of 2 teenage daughters, most of their life I was a single parent bc their bio father is not involved.I remarried 4 years ago and my kids have had their step father in their lives for 6 plus years now. Bc he has a lot of issues with attention & remember anything outside of his personal hobbies we set reminders in his phone for just about everything. He is currently deployed, been in place for almost 2 months so he is settled. My younger daughter is turning 16 tomorrow. I'm almost certain he has forgotten. Due to martial issues & feeling like I am also his (step dad) mother as well I will not remind him. It's been quite an emotional battle for me feeling completely alone because he doesn't prioritize me or my children at all. (Things did not start this way in our marriage, he has seen docs, counseling, meds all that...nothing has really helped)
I feel torn between covering for him & telling my daughter a lie so that she is not aware that he forgot. I think she is old enough that she should be able to see him for who he is but I also don't want her to be hurt. I feel like my husband will never learn until he sees the pain it causes...but then again I'm not sure that he will ever learn.
Im just not sure what to do, open to suggestions.
thanks.
Yes, remind him. They aren't
Yes, remind him. They aren't his kids, it's not unreasonable that he wouldn't remember their birthdays. If you think he's such an awful person, why are you still with him?
I don't think he's awful but
I don't think he's awful but it's an area that needs improvement and I'm tired of nagging him.
If you remind him, is he
If you remind him, is he appreciative? If so, then remind him. If my DH ever used "this is an area that needs improvement" with me, I'd be headed for divorce court. Work as a team, not as enemies.
No he is usually annoyed, I
No he is usually annoyed, I agree it should be team work...
OK then - if he's annoyed,
OK then - if he's annoyed, then remind him once and let it go.
You have been covering for
You have been covering for him for how long? How has that worked out? Do not remind him. He will only learn if he has to feel the consequences of his willful forgetfullness.
Chances are the consequences
Chances are the consequences won't fall on him, they'll fall on your daughter. Do you have joint finances? If so, use money that's partly his and buy a gift for your daughter from both of you. Sign the card from both. She knows he's away, so that won't be unusual. She probably knows he's lousy at remembering things and has to be reminded anyway. Send him a text reminding him of her birthday and then let the chips fall as they may.
I would say over the last 3
I would say over the last 3 years his ability to engage on his own has continued to dwindle. I usually don't lie for him but I usually nudge him in the right direction.
You didn't give any details on his deployment,
You didn't give any details on his deployment, but given the fact that he is deployed - I think you should remind him. Attempting to teach him some sort of a lesson by hurting your daughter does not seem like a good idea.
I agree. If she reminds him
I agree. If she reminds him and then he doesn't do anything, that's on him. Wanting her daughter to "see who he really is" seems wrong somehow.
Does your DH have mental
Does your DH have mental health issues? If so, I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. It can be difficult to know what the right thing to do is.
Remind him
Remembering dates is something you're good at. And probably your love language. I am dreadful at dates. Absolutely horrible. It is not reflective of my affection for someone. Just something that I am prone to forgetting. My brother is a bit better but not much. My sister is the queen of dates. She remembers everyone. The three of us remind each other of every event. If, after you remind him, he refuses to wish her a Happy Birthday, that's on him. But choosing to allow your daughter to be hurt becuase you're mad at him (for something you know is not his strength) seems petty. Remind him the day before or the day of so he has a chance to text her rather than letting her be hurt on her special day.
Stepdad is deployed and your
Stepdad is deployed and your mad he didnt remember your daughters bday?
Military spouse here. I am going to be blunt.
When our husbands/or wives are deployed WE take over everything in our homes. You know that. . That is part of the deal. Just like your husbands deal is to support your kids $$$ give your kids tricare, ID cards, extra money in his pay check for all dependents, blah blah blahhhh.AND come back in one piece.
So, get a card and a gift and stick his name on it.
THEN you send deployed husband a message---Darlin, hope your doing ok. SD16 Birthday is blah blah, I picked out blah blah for us to give her. Stay safe WE love you very much. Counting the days until you come home
Thats what you do. AND you dont spend all his extra duty pay OR blow all his money or fool around...Like some depend-a-pot-a-musses do.
Do NOT trouble him with this...He has enough on his plate.
Agreed .... Deployed Dad or Step-dad ~ Deployed is key not step-
Deployed is the key word here not step-dad. I agree whole heartedly that you run things for the family when he is gone. That means the birthdays for both of you too!! He has a lot on his plate and should not be bothered or taught a lesson for this.
It's not so bad to remind him anytime. I do it with my husband all the time. I have to do it with his own mother. His mind is not like mine. He doesn't think of these things on the day like I do. So I do that for him and he changes the oil. I don't want to know a thing about the oil or when it is due. It's just a thing we do!!
I have been a single mother
I have been a single mother for years, and in the beginning when i dated men without kids i hoped they would slide right into the perfect father role. I even dated a man with kids and hoped that. The thing is, when you come into a child's life when they are older, pretty much all of their formative years have passed. I could still look at my kids and see cute babies and toddlers, but the guys i was dating saw preteens. It's a totally different type of bonding. More like a coach or teacher than a parent. Plus, I was hoping these other men would be better and more involved than the kids' own dad. That is so unfair. Your husband is deployed. No telling what his schedule is like. Maybe he can't even tell you everything. Being a stepparent is tough. Don't "cover for him." But don't act like he is twisting a knife into your teen daughter's heart, either. So he forgot. It happens. Is he supporting your family while serving his country? Appreciate that. Appreciate what he does and that he is in a tough spot and not perfect.
(No subject)
Heck i had to remind my SO of
Heck i had to remind my SO of 18 years that MY birthday was coming up. He forgot his mother's! I didn't remind him about hers because she isn't on my radar.
It sounds like he may need to
It sounds like he may need to have himself evaluated. Sometimes ADD and other disorders can present with tunnel like thinking. I've known people to get fixed on something that doesn't really matter but they have to do it before they can calm down. It happens with anxiety too.