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Step Daughter only invited her dad for visit, I am not invited. Should my husband go without me?

siscopaula's picture

Sad My step daughter is 28 yrs old, married & 2 kids plus 2 step kids. She invited her dad, my husband, to visit but not me. Should my husband go. If not, how should he handle it?

dispiritedstepmom2011's picture

ask him his opinion. did she forget to mention ur name or did she flat out say him and not u? if she doesnt want u there, dont go. if she does...well maybe stay home and when she asks y u didnt come, let her know u are ur own individual entity and expect to have ur name included in invites.

siscopaula's picture

It was an intentional not-invited situation. Should my husband go or tell her we will come down in the spring-both of us.

momof5_1969's picture

He should not go without you -- you are a package deal. Either you both go, or not at all. My SD22 just recently did this, and after many other things besides that we ended up in marriage counseling, and we specifically asked our counselor about that --- and the counselor said that if the daughter did not invite me, then husband should not go, and should tell the daughter that the specific exclusion of me was insensitive and hurtful and that he will not be coming unless I'm invited. Of course, our SD22 is immature and psychotic, so she has chosen the route of disowning both of us -- yeah!! Ahem, I mean, it's so sad (sarcasm noted here).

I wish you the best. Sorry you're going through this too. Sad

emotionaly beat up's picture

Damn right it was intentional, and if your husband goes it will be the beginning of the end. This crap will continue and get worse over time. Either you will finish up feeling so angry and resentful that you will ban her from your home and set off another set of problems or you will leave your husband, because you will find that no matter what you do for years and years she will never accept you. How rude.

Would your husband attend any other function held by friends or family where he was invited and you deliberately were not. I suspect if the neighbour threw a party and said he could come in, but you weren't welcome, he would be horrified, this truly is not different, either you are his wife and deserve to be treated as such or you are not. Take her relationship to him out of this, if she was a neighbour or a friend who did this, what would you both do. Do not allow the fact that she is his daughter to factor into this decision. She is first a rude woman who has deliberately slighted his wife...then she is his daughter who has appalling manners.

He should simply tell her he is BITTERLY DISSAPOINTED that she has done this, and he thought he had brought her up better than that. He needs to explain firmly that of course he will NOT be attending without his wife.

JUMP ON THIS THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS AND DO NOT TOLERATE IT. Do not allow your husband to say "give her time" or anything else. It just gets so bad you will lose your sense of self esteem.

The people on this site who have years of ongoing problems are the ones whose husbands didn't stand up the first time and support his wife. Please do not make the mistake of thinking it will get better it won't IT WILL GET WORSE, because if he goes or if he says nothing to her about her rudeness here, she will and I promise you this, she will, see it as a sign that daddy understands she doesn't like his new wife or his new marriage; It is not good for your marriage and if you start this you can forget about any chance of having a peaceful blended family not only down the track but ever. He is making a big mistake if he goes and a worse one if he doesn't tell her up front why he will not go. Yes he might lose his daughter for a week, a month a year or three, but if he doesnt stand up he WILL lose either you or her forever one day, This does not work. Don't do it. She is trying to divide and conquer and believe me if he goes, or he fails to tell her how rude this is, it is the beginning of the end.

Then when she invites you to this or some other function and she will, or she comes to your home to show daddy she really is a nice girl, be warned she will ignore you and or be rude to you, she will someway somehow make you feel unwelcome. Your husband needs to see this, and he needs to jump in immediately and tell her, did you invite my wife so you could be rude to her, because let me tell you now, I will not put up with this, not now, not ever, and you should both go home. But he needs to take this on and let her know that THESE are his feelings on the matter, because if he once mentions you said, or you thought, it's over, she will say well dad didn't really care he is just trying to shut her up. He does need to stand his ground and be very, very strong here.

Anon2009's picture

I think your DH needs to politely and lovingly but firmly call her out on this and ask her how to think about how she'd feel if her stepkids did this to her.

icecubenow's picture

"No, thanks, Sweetie." No explanation should be given.

SD knows EXACTLY what she is doing. Please don't fall victim/prey to the never-ending DH statement "Give it time." Or, SD will continue to rule the roost, even if she is an adult out on her own.

Didn't you mention that your SD is a SM, too? Surely she knows where you are coming from.

Just a question...did your SD invite him for a major holiday, or just a visit? (not that it matters really, but just curious since the Season is here...)

youngmama1b1g's picture

The poster said that she was purposely not invited tho.
I understand if it was an event that only they as father-daughter enjoyed, but it seems more like SD just wanted dad only to visit with her family. So, yes it's excluding SM for no real reason.

Anon2009's picture

I agree with this.

I've often heard it said in blended families that the person who forces someone to choose is the person who will lose. And I agree with it. If I were trying to get my mom or dad to choose between me or their spouses, I'd lose. If I were the parent in a situation like that, and my spouse was acting like this SD in terms of putting me in the middle, I'd tell that spouse to take a hike.

HRNYC, nobody is saying this SD has to love, like or even care about her SM. What she should do is try to think about how she'd feel if her dad asked her to visit but to leave her DH at home. How would she feel if her stepkids did this to her? I doubt she'd like that. As an adult, she should know how to treat someone respectfully even if she doesn't like them.

This is what her dad needs to firmly communicate to her, along with the fact that he can love all of them equally, but very differently. I don't think this SD would approve of her dad treating her DH rudely and excluding him just because he doesn't like him.

liks's picture

I agree in some parts with us being rude not wanting the skids to join us on holidays or whatever.....but this is something a little different....
My skids forever try this shit with me....

I say to people who dont understand my point of view...(cos when you are the excluded one you really feel bad)

When growing up in your loving families, How often did you ask your father, to join you but then added 'dont bring mom'

When a couple is happily married, they love each other dearly, and spend their spare time in each others dare someone suggest 'flick your wife and just spend time with me'

godess-clueless's picture

Sometimes adult SD's just want to spend one on one time with dad. It can be the same with our own bio children. I choose to remain at home during the holidays while my DH makes his once a year pilgrimage to the house where his ex and adult children live. From what I have observed if he did not make that effort he would never see the kids or grandkids at all.

I do not know if I am actually invited or not. I get the feeling that the invitations on his cell are meant for him to come. Since the SD's have never called me on my cell to invite me personally Idon't make the assumption that I am invited. Their family consists of the ex, adult SD's and adult half brothers from the ex's later marriages.also the grandchildren. They all rent different apartments in the same large house.

This year I will be spending my xmas at home with my own daughter who will be visiting with her kids. I used to get really hung up on the idea that it seemed to be an act of disrespect towards me. I have since gotten past that when I came to the realization that my DH does not really want to go. I t is more out of a sense of obligation. He is the only one making any of the effort to keep any connection between them,

There is no reason I would want to travel over 2 hours to spend the day with the ex he divorced 30 years ago. DH and I have been married for about 13 years so Ihave not had reason to deal with this person. DH never had anything nice to say of her, still harbors a lot of resentment and gloats at any misfortune he hears happened in her life. We have nothing in common.

The more I fussed over his going and my feeling hurt then the more they invited him. Eventually I became busy with my own plans. My plans are more fun then sitting in an apartment full of somewhat related people seen 1 time a year. If I was younger maybe I would be concerned. But at his age and in his health the likelyhood of his straying is minimal. His desire to drive the distance and put on the energetic "so happy to be here face" is a chore.

Just saying that sometimes the more fuss they encounter the more the man will insist on going to prove he is not going to be controled. When no one cares that he is wearing himself out just to get there then it does not hold such importance.

liks's picture

Stepaside....I too have been the victim of this demand for 'alone time with daddy'.

I had some wonderful people like yourself provide me with confidence to see the scenario for what it is and I thank them immensely. You have provided this poor woman with advice to see the uncomfortable suggestion as to what it is. Rudeness. Well done to you....I dont think some SM have dealt with these scenarios and maybe thats why they have trouble understanding the venom involved

In a loving family where both parents were BIO - no way would the bio daughter request that DAD come but dont bring mom....and so step families NEED to acknowledge the same rules. Maybe I might have suggested mom take me to the mall but dont bring dad....but it would have been a joke so dad couldnt see how much money mom spent on me....but thats not the same thing here at all....And not done with hatred.

This has been done with hate as the underlying theme...along with manipulation, rudeness, bad manners, emotional blackmail and as one poster said to me....sounded like an extortion attempt....

the SD possibly hasnt been brought up to know what love is....and so really doesnt think anything of demanding the husband not be with the wife....all the more reason the father should be teaching her wot love is and how you act wen you are in in ... you dont tell your wife to stay home because someone doesnt like you or want you actually tell that person who doesnt like your wife that their hatred is their issue and they need to deal with it....'if you dont want my wife here, then I take offence to that and now Im not coming either' Which is what I would have said if it was on the other foot......wot selfish behaviour that the SD is demonstrating.

wouldnt be a bit suprised if the BM suggested the idea to the SD, which is what happens in most of our cases.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

My skids would not even try that. Not because of me, but because that would so not fly with DH..... He'd say it once "wtf are you talking about!!!!!" and that would be the end of that. At least that's what I think. SD has tried in her ways to push me aside, wanting to ride ip front with dad etc. Sometimes it worked out that they would fo something without me, but if she ever made it a point, he'd laugh at her.
We'll see what the future holds....

As for OP, what goes your husband think about this? What is your relationship with SD like? Is it always a bad scene when you are around her?

HadEnoughx5's picture

What's that I hear :? ...Oh it's the karma bus...your SD will get rolled over when her skids are all grown up Wink

CC's picture

I'm new to the site and realize this is an old post. What ever happened? I believe she should have invited you and for certain your husband should not have went without you, period. If it was a matter of "alone" time-that could have easily occurred during the visit. She wanted to "slight" you with the invite and wanted you to know. Therefore, your husband shouldn't have played into the disrespect, but instead respectfully declined and she would have gotten the hint and thwarted future attempts at hurting you and using your husband in the scheme.

caregiver1127's picture

Plain and Simple - no he should not go - he is married to you and she needs to respect that period!!

alwayscivil's picture

You're ego is bruised. He should go without you. He should have a relationship with his daughter. If you are supportive, and not a beast, I bet he becomes more loyal to you.

stepstuk's picture

If this is an ongoing issue with your SD,or,if she goes to lengths to exclude you on a regular basis,then that is wrong.
A quote from a very good book I am currently reading goes something like this."Fathers should communicate to their adult children the expectation that they honor their stepmother as a significant part of his life.For example,inviting you to lunch but never inviting her does not show honor.Discuss with your children how family traditions and special family days will change because of her presence,and ask them to accommodate these changes out of respect for you"
This was taken from a chapter written for the DH's.
Personally,my adult SD has excluded both myself and BD from visits for well over 2 years now,this is after DH gently pushing her to be more accepting of us,but nothing,Infact,since then,SD has started suggesting trips abroad that do not include myself. Or kids.......I do not see any improvement at all,and quite frankly,I no longer give two hoots anyway!
My advice is that DH tries to reassure SD that he loves her,but,that YOU are his wife and it is insulting to you BOTH when you are excluded.She will most likely not like this,but ultimately,it is up to your DH to stand firm and make the difference between a situation that could gradually improve,or,one that will result in family divided.