Step daughter causing issues between us
I'm new to this site, new to anything like this to be honest. I'm a step mum to 2 girls. I'm struggling with how they behave, mainly the older one who is nearly 14. I know it's 'that age' BUT my partner (their mother) doesn't support me. We have had many arguements around the girls behaviour and my partner normally always agrees with me but AFTER the event! After it's caused a big old arguement.
The girls are very happy having two mum's, they spend 50/50 with us and their dad and his new partner ( that they really don't like at all) most of the time..... all is well and good. We do lots as a family, have fun, have holidays, we have busy lives.
But........ if the A does something I don't agree with, I'll tell her not to do it, or whatever the issues is, Mum won't step in at that point to back me up, resulting in A doing what she wants, disobeying me and getting away with it. Resulting in me feeling pretty crap and disrespected!
Yes it's true, I do need to
Yes it's true, I do need to control my feelings more. I'm alot better than I was!! I'm not out to change anything or anyone.
As the skids are getting older they're trying their luck with different behaviours, like if mum says something and they answer back... I'm straight in there with 'don't talk to your mum like that' that's just me not liking the way they have spoken to her so I step in. That's then finished. If I say something and the skids react with cheek, I'll tell them that's enough but they'll just carry on, at which point I would like mum to step in and back me up but it doesn't happen. Well not untill it's all blown up and then mum appologised to me saying she should have backed me up and will next time!
Well, I disagree that your
Well, I disagree that your wife is "accidentally" disrespecting you by clearly undermining you with her kids. It is absolutely on purpose. You don't need to "bring the pain," either, so you can pretty much ignore the entire first comment.
You need to talk to your wife about supporting each other and presenting a united front, or this young lady will chew you up and spit you out. And if she proceeds to undermine you again in front of the kids, I would tell her she has betrayed your agreement. Leave the house for the day and simply say, "I will not stay where I am disrespected."
What kinds of things are you
What kinds of things are you referring to when you say SD does something you don't agree with? If she does something directly to you, such as be disrespectul, or change the channel when you are watching something, or use your stuff that you don't want her to, then you should address it.
But if it doesn't directly relate to you, let your partner address it. I don't personally think it's a stepparent's place to be the actual parent and address behavior that doesn't affect you directly.
Ok so here's one thing that
Ok so here's one thing that happened before. Skid asks me if she can have a can of pop, I said no. ( our reasons for saying no is that they never drink a whole can, they leave it after a few sips = wasted can!) There is always plenty to drink in the cupboard, Ribena which they love, squashes, juices etc. So I then hear a can opening! I then around to see skid pouring into a glass! I say ' UH I said no, what are you doing? I wanted one was her answer. BUT I said no! Heh I heard but I wanted one! So I then go into other room where mum is and say did u hear that? She chose to ignore it and said I had dealt with it. No I hadn't dealt with it, your daughter as done that right in front of me after I said no, can u back me up. Mum then did have a word and said ' you were told no so you shouldn't have had it. That's then finished! So I'm left stood there like a test, skid is smirking at me coz she got her own way and mum is like what's the matter? The mater is she got what she wanted even though she was told no, you didn't as much raise your voice so as far as skids concerned.... She can do what she wants! See my frustration!? Lol
So ... if my skid said, can I
So ... if my skid said, can I have a can of pop? I'd say, ask your father.
If he then turned around and just grabbed and opened said can of pop, I'd let DH know and let him deal with it.
Done.
"Ask your mom" is your new
"Ask your mom" is your new favorite phrase. Unless the kid is asking about your stuff or things that affect you, direct her to her parent. That way she can't be a brat to you and you aren't feeling disrespected.
I have to say, however, if your wife can't even back you up on a damn soda, then you are in for a bumpy ride with this one.
Thank you Tog & beebee.
Thank you Tog & beebee.
I will from now on say ask your mother. Fair enough how she deals with it then. I suppose I'm just reluctant to step back as it all started so 'togerther' it just seems to have got worse over last year whilst skid is getting older, changed year in her school etc. Skid 2 though, only being 10years is much more respectful , not as lippy yet! Thanks guts, it really us helping me with things in my mind by reading your replies, also reading others blogs, its tough out there in skid world hey!
Teens in particular tend to
Teens in particular tend to do the "you aren't my mother" stuff and start rebelling against any parents, but especially stepparents. Younger kids tend towards respecting all adults as authority figures.
Save yourself from stress and let your SO deal with the kids. Just set boundaries where you need to - "I'm will only pay for X amount of groceries because the kids waste the stuff you buy them" is a fair boundary.
Get used to it. Almost all
Get used to it. Almost all parents defend their kids when they are being disrespectful and behaving badly towards their step parent. Have you heard from your SO yet that's its your fault that their kids act this way? I've heard everything from "They behave perfectly when you're not here" to "you're not affectionate enough with them and open to their love that's why they act that way". Sure. Little Johnny doesn't listen, interrupts ignores, doesn't pick up after himself and makes rude comments because I'm not open enough to his love. lol. I've been nothing but nice to this kid. I've also heard multiple times "They are just kids being kids, all kids act that way at their age." Sure it's ok for little Suzie to punch, hit and kick people and call others cruel names repeatedly because of her age so it's just ignored. Right.......I also wouldn't buy pop anymore and if you like pop then buy some for yourself and hide it somewhere.
That why you Disengage
You don’t buy pop anymore. If you want pop you buy yourself some and lock it up. You don’t buy SK anything, take them anywhere, it all on mum. Two can play that game. If your SO is disrespect you, then your have bigger problems. As knowing you said no and allowing SK to do it anywhy. This is something you talk about in private not in frount of SK
Maybe the part you're having
Maybe the part you're having trouble with is being an adult in a home with kids, being a stepparent, and being a spouse to someone with kids who you have no authority to parent. Gee, I can't imagine why that's frustrating you!
It's convoluted and impractical to parent through another adult, but your spouse isn't giving you a choice. I'd tell your wife you're willing to go through her for all parenting, but I'd also ask your wife what will happen if the kid is about to drop a lit match on the gas can. Are you supposed to report it to mom and hope mom acts before the flame hits the can? What if mom isn't home?
She can't have it both ways. It's not fair nor practical to expect you to raise kids without any authority.
If you have no authority over her kids, she is a single mom. If you can't discipline her kids, you shouldn't be alone with them because you have no control over their safety. So she needs to get a babysitter when she isn't with them, even if you're there. If you set this boundary, she might step up and back you up.
Good luck.
Wow so many things to think about
Thank you all so much. I've just got upset, reading all your advice, it really is an issue out there and there's me feeling like it's just me! I'm not myself at mo anyway as I've got a stoking cold and chest infection so I'm feeling a bit under the weather anyway but my wife has just said she will back me up in future, but she also says I have to chose my battles with her 14 yo. Yes that's fine and I do, believe me there's alot to chose from and I do try to ignore most, like A get your feet off sofa your shoes are muddy! A ... FEET! (a glance from A) rolls her eyes whilst slowly lowering her feet off the sofa but also saying Jesus christ) I can ignore that, but only just! I would never had done that to my parents, I would of had those feet off before my mother had finished the sentence! It's the eyes rolling, sly little comments, little smirks, then half he later.... Skid wants to show me something on internet!? I'm like (quietly in my mind thinking) you've caused that issue now your wanting to have a giggle at something you've found online! WTF?