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Step childrens bio mom wants to come to bday party

aforandy's picture

I am a childless stepmother of twin 8 year olds. This year their grandmother (my mother in law) and I are planning their bday party with friends since their mom is jobless and never throws them parties. Their bio mom asked if she is invited, which we dont particularly want her to come. She is a very mean and nasty person to herself and others, so much that I truly do feel bad for her. Shes an alcohlic and brings drama at every turn. She has told my mother in law she hopes she dies and had screamed and yelled at my s/o and myself more times than i can count. She goes from psyco to trying to co parent in a snap and we never know which side of her we will get. I will say lately she has been doing better but if im being honest, if someone says hurtful things to those I deeply care about I hold grudges, its my biggest character flaw. Shes never once apologized and believe she is correct in all of her actions. If the kids indeed want her to come, should we let her? It will in turn be extremly uncomfortable for myself and my mother in law, not to mention the rest of the family she has left a bad taste with. Can we politely tell the kids that their mother can have her own get together? Or do we bite our tounges and be uncomfortable for 3 hours while trying to conduct a party, let alone dread it the days leading to? I know its about the kids, but I dont even want to do the party thinking about having to be around this lady for 3 hours and not knowing how she will act. I know its selfish and i value sanity much more than most things. What would you do?

tog redux's picture

Hell no, she's not invited. Tell the kids that mom will have her own party for them.  It's not selfish.  It would be more selfish to invite her knowing she might wreck the kid's party.

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll, our BM, she is banned from entering our household, and after about 9-10, no more joint bday parties with her. We do our own thing, she does her own thing.

Believe me, the drama doesnt end. Just do the bday party. No BM.

twopines's picture

>>>Their bio mom asked if she is invited<<<
My DH would have told her no, she's not invited. He doesn't want to be around her. No reason to invite her. She can do her own thing. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Why invite trouble to your home and potentially ruin the poor kids party?

Divorce means separated.  She can take the kid out for McDonalds if she wants to treat them.

advice.only2's picture

Not only no, but hell no! Bar the door and sage and salt it so BM can't cross the threshold should her drunken a$$ try.

sleepymeg's picture

BM can throw her own party for the kids during her time. This is your party. The kids have two homes for a reason. Don't mix them. They may want her there but it's not their choice.

It's not rude or selfish. It's about keeping boundaries.

aforandy's picture

I really appeciate this response as I truly mean no ill will for the woman. Thank you!

sleepymeg's picture

Good on you for taking the high road. The goal is to make decisions in the best interest of the kids, even though it isn't always what they want.

Hopefully BM can accept that she's not invited and you can enjoy your party - drama free!

Dogmom1321's picture

Nope! Not happening. When SD was 5 turning 6, DH threw a party for her at a trampoline park. At the time, BM had her the entire summer due to the CO. SD birthday is in July. We threw the party end of August. SD asked DH, "can my mom come?" DH quickly said no, "She will try to fight someone in the parking lot." Half jokingly, but also half serious. None of us wanted to deal with BMs drama. DH was very blunt with SD about why this was the decision. And I think she totally understood. 

Needless to say, BM ended up doing her own thing during her summer custody. Best to keep it that way. 

nappisan's picture

NO! she can do her own thing when its her time with her children! The BM i had to deal with was similar, she just assumed she was invited to these things,, she would just assume every xmas morning that DH and SS would go to her family home so the brat could open gifts with mummy and daddy while me and my son spent xmas morning alone,, this happened twice but never again ! same with bday parties but she would orgainse and invite everyone including MY DH but except me (not that i wanted to go anyway) .  Your DH needs to tell her NO!!!

shamds's picture

She has proven repeatedly how disrespectful she is and can't behave and rude people do not get invited. Lay down the facts of what bio mum did if skids are having selective memory loss about it

hereiam's picture

No.

SteppedOut's picture

^ this right here is all that is needed. Long explanation is not required. Short explanation is not required. 

The simple, one word sentence: NO.

Molly77's picture

That's a hard position you are in but no it's probably best she doesn't come it's her responsibility for her own actions not yours. Tell the kids she wants to make their own special Birthday just with her so they don't have to feel bad she isn't there. They are still young and don't really understand to well yet so the more positive the better. Also they will be enjoying their  party with  other family members and friends and will look forward to an extra party with their mom. 

Hopefully she will learn to change for her children's sake but it's good they have you as a positive mom figure in their life. It sounds like you are a blessing for them that is truly needed.

Rags's picture

Nope.  That family failed long ago and BM is not longer a part of DH's family or the Skids' family when the Skids are on their dad time.  If she wants to throw the a party, she can throw them a party on her time.  She is not part of YOUR family's celebration of the twins' birthday.