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Step children and post natal depression comparison?

superstar's picture

I just had a fleeting question that I wondered if any of you ladies had an answer to?

I have two SS who I, to be honest hate. I was wondering if the feeling of hatred (lack of bonding etc) toward step kids has any similarities with the feeling some women get during post natal depression? I don't have kids yet, and this question might be a bit stupid but I decided to put it out there anyway Smile

Thanks, superstar

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I heart post partum depression is different for everyone. But I think what you are referring to is post partum psychosis--where you hate or hurt the child.

Most people describe the feeling as being blue, or just not as in love the baby as you were when it was first born, or wild mood swings between happy or sad, or to the point where you are unmotivated to get out of bed. Postpartum depression rarely has any hatred towards your own child.

christinen's picture

I don’t have any kids either but I watched my best friend go through postpartum depression when she had her son (who is my Godson). She didn’t hate the baby, she just was very tired, had no energy, didn’t feel like doing anything, didn’t really do things to bond with the baby as you would expect – for example, she would want someone else to feed the baby or change the baby’s diaper, stuff like that. I hope I never have to go through that because it was really sad. But I don’t think it’s the same as issues with skids- they aren’t your children and you aren’t expected to love them. I sure as hell don’t love mine! }:)

oldone's picture

It's sometimes hard to acknowledge that some children just are not likeable. I've seen it on occasion with friend's children. Everyone is born with some innate things that are part of their personality. Good parenting may force to them have manners, etc but all the good parenting in the world cannot change someone born with a personality disorder.

ThinkingOutLoud's picture

I married a man with 4 children with 2 different women and although I knew he had children they were never really in our life but every other weekend or once a month for a weekend. Recently this last year the youngest two moved in with us and I am feeling a lot of resentment towards my husband and his children. 

I don’t hate the children but they make me depressed. I raised my child now in their 20s and now to have kids in my home 12-10 is very difficult. My husband doesn’t support my feeling meanwhile I’m supporting financially the entire family. I searched the internet to see if stepmothers can feel emotion much like postpartum in their step children and it lead me here. 

Just know you are not alone. 

SteppedOut's picture

I guess no. I'm only assuming, but you probably do not like them due to their behavior and/or ypur husband's lack of decent parenting. 

A family at my son's daycare was dealing with postpartum psychosis and it was terribly sad. Bringing the child to daycare was so good for the baby, poor thing was essentially being emotionally neglected by her mother and was behind on milestones because of it. Both mom and dad lost their jobs, due to mom's mental issues, and they had to move out of state to live with family. They had tried to conceive for 10 years. So so sad! 

ldvilen's picture

I think we've come to the conclusion that the term Chronic PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is more fitting and appropriate.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape.

Here is an excellent article: https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-c-ptsd

Some people may think where is the trauma in being a SP?, but SPs, who much like you, usually have little to no say in how someone else’s children are impacting their lives, can feel entrapped, feel subjected to repeated violations of personal boundaries, be subjected to gaslighting and false accusations, suffer long term exposure to crisis conditions (none of which they had a part in, such as a teenage SK’s anger or angst), and more.

It is a debilitating disorder that causes the patient to avoid activities that may bring on memories or flashbacks related to the repeated trauma they experienced. Thus, a SP may feel like they are a prisoner in their own home, so to speak.  The SP feels they have to either continually suck it up and take it, leave the home, retire to their bedroom, and so on.  "The may stuff or suppress their emotional reaction to traumatic events without resolution either because they believe each event by itself doesn't seem like such a big deal or because they see no satisfactory resolution opportunity available to them. This suppression can continue for a long time either until a last-straw event occurs, or a safer emotional environment emerges and the damn begins to break."

stepmomof4boyz's picture

I get it. I am fertility specialist and step mom to 4 boys. That experience was enough to decide I didn't want anymore kids. I love my kids, but in the beginning there was some serious anger and resentment that I turned inward on myself because much like postpartum depression I didn't think I "should" have those negative feelings towards them. They went from being with us on Sundays to teenagers living with us full time the week after our wedding. I was not prepared for it all. The boundary violations, the constant cleaning up and tending to or dealing with the bio mom who had some serious problems emerge- personality and substance wise was way too much. It was the ultimate test. I will say the one thing that saved me from myself was the Life Coach Podcast where I learned the Model. I learned that all of things i was experiencing were neutral circumstances, but what I made them mean in my mind is where I really got tripped up and caused all of my feelings. It empowered me and took me out of victim mentality feeling like I couldn't escape from it in my own home. It took a year of self coaching and therapy but I came out on the other side with much more loving feelings towards them and the want to parent over the resentment of having too. It even got me through the diffiuculties of one of our sons being suicidal which I would never wish on anyone. I know it worked because he actually came to me when it first happened and said, "You are the only adult in this family that thinks about things logically and I don't know why I am feeling this way." I can't reccomend that podcast enough!!! IT was a litteral life saver for him and me.