To stay or to go...i think I know the answer.
And what is ironic is that I thought we had a fairly decent situation compared to most.
But the truth is this: I have no bios. DH has SD11. He is her primary caregiver (classic guilty dad syndrome), although we have her 50/50 (on paper..in reality its 75/25). She is in a competitive sport which DH coaches, so on our "off" weeks he has her 4 extra evenings (just not overnight).
Early on, I wanted a child. DH has vasectomy. We tried IVF twice. I miscarried twice. He was not very supportive during the treatment and the aftermath. I come to discover later that he never really wanted more children, and he didn't think it would work. He was right.
We split. We reconcile. 2 years pass.
We continue to have issues. This year it surrounded trying to modify the schedule to reflect the reality of us having SD12 75% of the time. BM was on board until she realized she would lose her CS. Regardless it was a very trying time. I spent a lot of time "supporting" my husband this past year with no real time and effort devoted just to me. Every few months we have "blow outs". Basically the pattern is. 1. I disengage because she's not my kid not my problem and because anything I do or say is "trumped" by DH anyway because he's the bio parent. 2. I slowly re-engage because hell, I just want to be "part" of this family. 3. I act in a parental way, i.e.: "she's 11 she doesn't need a cell phone with a data plan!!", or "SD11, why are you speaking to me in that tone!"...only to have him side with her. Not always but at times. 4. Then I start a discussion that always leads to an argument because he becomes defensive. I'm resentful that its okay for me to spend $$ on her, pay more than half of all of our bills, entertain her, babysit her but I can't correct bad behaivor or have a say in when she goes to bed.
Regardless, we had yet another blow out.
And quite honestly, 6 years later....I don't see this changing. Its a vicious cycle. He will always make this child his priority. When she is at our house, her every whim is satisfied. "You guys, lets play hide and seek. You guys, what should we do now?". She has no chores...literally. DH's love language is "acts of service" so he spends every moment when she's with us fetching things for her...etc. Up until only about 6 months ago, he actually used sit in the bathroom with her while she bathed because she never wants to be by herself.
I've learned to be on my own alot. I'm a pretty independent person anyway, but I'm at the point where I feel like an asshole to want him to WANT to spend time with me. Its like, I'm used to feeling like I don't deserve it because, "hey, SD11 is just a kid, I'm the adult, I should get over it right".
Of course there is much more to the story, but I'm at my wits end.
I realize he will never change the way he parents. I've learned to disengage and it has helped but I think I'm at the point where I resent having to disengage in my own house, that I pay for!!
I have asked myself a couple of questions (that may not make sense to you).
In contemplating divorce, I've written some things down.
1. I'm scared that its me and its my fault for not disengaging enough, or in the right way. I'm scared that this is really the best that marriage can be and I just don't appreciate it enough. Is it just my own neurosis for being left behind and alone for such a large part of my life that I actually pushed him away? Do I have an unhealthy need for reassurance?
2. Do I just continue living this way until all my feelings for him are gone so that leaving is easier?
3. Who's choice is this? I said to him this morning "Is it over for you and you're just putting it back on me in order to relieve yourself of the responsibility of ending it?
4. In all of our arguments he never seems to "fight" for us. He never seems to take responsbility for his role. Or maybe he just doesn't get it. The ONLY time he ever fought for our relationship was when we split 2 years ago. It was his idea to split (he didn't want additional counselling..this was about 4 months after the second miscarriage). The day our house sold he wanted to reconcile.
5. Is this another hurdle to jump over and things will get better.
6. Do I already know the answers but I'm too afraid to end it because of the lonliness. (the last time we split for about 6 weeks...I was so extremely depressed during that time that I agreed to reconcile)
Anyway. That's where I'm at.
I live with a man who devotes almost all of his time and energy to his daughter. I live with a man who's not interested in "co-parenting" unless I'm doing him a favour, or if I volunteer to do things...like babysit, entertain, or buy things.
Our relationship has been so up and down. I don't think I can change. I don't think I can continue to be the type of person who's satisfied with a very part time husband, coupled with having to disengage with a child every other week.
It's a rare father who
It's a rare father who doesn't put his children ahead of his second wife and he should do exactly that. But he certainly has gone overboard and I agree he is not going to change.
I suspect this behavoir is going to continue well into her adulthood and the difference is that it will get more expensive. Instead of dresses or toys it'll be cars she needs and she'll always turn to Daddy for help.
You're afraid of the cold dark loneliness of being single but isn't that want you're getting now?
The only alternative I see is for you to accept him as a roommate. Living your own life without him, traveling, vacationing and otherwise cultivating outside relationships apart from his single interest. Who knows you might even find someone of interest and an affair which turns into something more may result.
I kinda like this answer OC!!
I kinda like this answer OC!! (I'm kind of kidding).
Totally agree, coconut. If a
Totally agree, coconut. If a person really cares about their own kids, they would want the kids to experience a solid family. And a solid family begins and ends with the marriage partnership!
I know this must be a painful
I know this must be a painful time for you. I think for many of us women, its easy to place our DH as a priority. I had no problem telling my DH he was my #1 and it is my responsibility to raise great kids who will be an asset to society. We just assume our DH feels the same. Unfortunately, im somewhere in 3rd-4th place and the SKs are getting all of their needs met and then some.
So sorry
So sorry
If a man marries, has
If a man marries, has children, divorces, and CHOOSES to marry again, then he should honour his vows to honor her above all others. The needs of our children are a number one priority, their wants are not. The marriage comes first, the marriage is the example to the children bios or steps as to how relationships work. Teaching a child that they come before your wife is setting not only your marriage up to fail, but your kids as well. Children who are put above the spouse tend to have an overinflated opinion of themselves which they take into adulthood. Somewhere in live, they are going to suffer for it. The world does not think they should be held above anyone else, the world does not think they are special. Best they don't get taught to think they are better than anyone or everyone else.
I'm sorry you are going
I'm sorry you are going through this. My H was much like your until I threatened to leave. Marriage counseling helps A LOT and (sorry if you've read this a thousand times) but the book Stepmonster will change your life. It will also help if your DH reads it too.
Show your H this review of the book (I did and it opened my H's eyes.)
"Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost."
Tell the truth about yourself
Tell the truth about yourself and the way you feel. Love yourself enough to take care of yourself. I know it is scary but at the end it is rewarding.Trust me - been there done that.It is 1 000 000 times better to be happy and fulfilled and around people who truly love you and care ABOUT YOU. I have forgotten what it was like. Now that I remember it - it is so great to be ME. The happy, loving , kind ME. I will never allow anyone to do this to me anymore and NO it is not worth a second of your life.Just walk away and find your happiness. Your husband has found his happiness. What about your happiness? Love yourself enough to tell the truth:)
I know you were depressed the
I know you were depressed the first time you split, but 6 weeks is not very long at all. It takes a long time to mourn the loss of a marriage.
You NEED to leave - he is abusing you emotionally. You are doubting yourself and walking on eggshells. This is classic emotional abuse. Withholding love unless you do what he wants. This is wrong.
Give yourself another chance on your own. Take all the time you need to recover. It will take longer that 6 weeks. If you know this at the start, you might be better equipped to deal with it.
Visit a counseller once a week until the light begins to shine again. You will be OK, have faith in yourself. You sound like a nice person and I think you will do just fine. Meet some new friends (not BF's LOL) and relax and recover. Take care.
So sorry you are going
So sorry you are going through this. Esier said than done, but I would leave.
You sound like you are by yourself alot of the time anyways and as horrible as being single is for the first few months, you WILL get through it. Go out with friends, find hobbies, hit the gym and do stuff for you! then he will se what he's missing and you will have the courage to say no, ive moved on.
You deserve to be no1 in DH life. Like another post pointed out, kids need stability and a good home, he is not providing her with that as he is showing her she is the centre of the universe. So when things happen in her future, she will not know how to deal with it.
Being a step mum is the worst 'job' EVER, the only reson you are there in the forst place is because of the relationship with DH, so no relationship then theres no need to stay.
You shouldnt have to settle for being second or third best. Your his WIFE, there is NOTHING more important than that.
good luck and be strong for yourself x