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Starting a new chapter

Emereldess's picture

So I am viewing a house to purchase this afternoon, as I have been for the last several weeks.  I've been a brighter, happier individual since I've gotten the mental assistance I so desperately needed, as well as the motivation and actions towards finding myself a home.  I have some pretty messed up fear issues (being alone, break-ins, etc.) and have a large German Shepherd dog at the farm that is going to move with me and live in my new house with me, so that is a positive, safe thought for me to look forward to as well.

SD18 continues the aggression, of course not having a clue that dad and I are breaking up and I am about to move out, taunting me and picking fights with me via text so she can screenshot everything that I say back to BM.  I've learnt to ignore her texts and address her in person, as she quickly loses her nerve then..

SO is silent.  Always silent.  He and I are just going through the motions of our usual everyday life, and it seems to me as though he's trying to pretend that nothing is different.

But this last week...  I've just "crashed" like three times.  The worst one was Sunday morning.  I woke up, and went about my chores with the animals and checking for new babies, but then returned to the house and went back to bed and laid there until the EVENING.  I've never experienced anything like that before.  I don't know that it was depression, or anything emotional.  But I just would not get out of bed.

Then on Monday, it happened to me in the afternoon at work, where I just began feeling delirious and over-tired.  I could feel a sort of over-whelming, or sadness that time.  And now today.  I'm an hour away from seeing this house (and this one is one I really like, by the photos and description - it seems totally perfect for me) and it's happening again.  I'm feeling this crushing sort of anguish, mainly in my chest, and I just want to stop everything, go home, and go to bed.

SO and I are actively entertaining the idea of keeping a relationship going after I leave...  But I think I know already that if I do move out, we are over.

 

Blue Moon's picture

Whatever you do, you owe it to yourself to visit this house. Let us know how it went, we're all rooting for you!

Emereldess's picture

I saw the house with the realtor, going back for a second look next week.  Cute house, cute yard, perfect location in a cul de sac backing onto a big park.  Some electrical concerns as well as the block foundation the house sits on - if it all needs upgrading, that's close to some thirty or forty thousand dollars by the sounds of it.  I'm a little disappointed - I was hoping with all my heart that I would walk in and find the perfect home for the perfect price just for me.  I need to look at things a little more realistically ha ha.

I am not giving up.  I don't care how many houses I need to look at.  I'm finding one.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Congrats on what sounds like a very positive change in your life. The symptoms you describe sound like anxiety - at least that is how I feel when I am anxious. You are making very major life changes at the moment, but you also still have some unknowns - the future of your relationship. Can you get some anxiety meds to help as you transition to a better life? 

Emereldess's picture

I've seen my doctor regarding my mental symptoms but he's concerned that anxiety meds won't make the difference I need.  I'm seeing my psychologist as well as the lady that helps me at the shelter, and they are giving me lots of emotional support, as well as my best friend and my mom and dad.  And then this forum, it's helping me to let out some feelings also.  I'm sure that the transition itself will be the hardest part.  But for now - one foot in front of the other, and I'll just continue moving forward, even if it's only a little at a time.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Keep coming for the support you need! This place helped me so much when things really blew in my life a few years back.

Ispofacto's picture

Focus on the current hurdle: finding the new home.  Take joy in the quiet enjoyment of your first cup of coffee/tea in your new kitchen.

You can date SO and make a decision about him later.  Who knows, maybe he'll pull his head out of his ass.  Anything can happen.  Deal with that part when you are ready.

Baby steps.

Rags's picture

For me, I describe it as anxiety.  It was crushing.  It took about three days to get through and fortuneately has not repeated.  If it does, I will seek some professional help. 

Once you get moved and settled I would forecast that it will fade over time.  It helped for me to talk to someone.  My college BFF has struggled with depression for many years. He was a big help in explaining from his perspective what I was dealing with.

Take care of you. This shallow and polluted gene pool will be fading in your rear view mirror shortly.

Good luck.

Emereldess's picture

Well I slept in again this morning, that's the third time this week I am late for work.  Been going to bed on time, and taking each day as easy as possible - I guess it's my poor adjustment to the change of seasons.

SD18's bf is working nightshift this week so she torments SO and I in the evenings after work.  Last night was very tense for a brief moment when she entered the kitchen and I told her she needs to let the horses out of the corrall.  She locks them up in the corrall so she doesn't have to go far to catch them when she wants to play with them, but then leaves them with no food or water and b!tches if we tell her to feed them.  She got pouty immediately and began grumbling under her breath that it wouldn't be that hard to add feeding and watering them to the chore list (for ME) and I immediately told her "There's 7 horses out there.  4 are mine.  Let my 4 out and you are free to give yourself the chore of feeding and watering your three while mine have free access to feed and water and I can still catch them whenever I like.  You skip one day of feed or water though, and I will open the gate."  She gave me the snarliest look I've seen in a long time, and I'm sure she thought about all sorts of things to say to me - but then she looked at her dad and asked him to put a bale in the pen and fix the broken auto waterer in the corrall.  SO just rolled his eyes and told her "If you're too lazy to look after your animals then they're getting loaded and getting sold."  SD18 - "No, you don't have the right to sell them, they're my horses."  SO - "And as your horses it's your responsibility to look after them."  SD18 - "No, it's my responsibility to enjoy them.  It's your responsibility to look after me, and thus look after my animals."  I finally turned around and asked if I needed to call the local livestock hauler for Saturday, and she simply pretended not to hear me and continued staring at her father.  I watched SO lose his nerve in the face of his snot nose daughter and grumble that he and I have enough to do in a day.  No acknowledgement of my comment, no affirmation or backup to tell this rotten demon of a girl that NO MEANS NO and you can shove that disgusting attitude up your ever-so ungratefull a$$.  SD18 simply stuck the nose in the air, "Humph"ed, and stormed out of the kitchen like usual.  All 7 horses still sit locked up in the corrall.  I know it's going to cause a fight, but I am going to open that darn gate when I get home.  I just don't care anymore.

I am seeing the youth, and even the fire coming back into my eyes, the more I look for a home of my own.  This is such a big decision and such a frightening one - I tried so many times to leave before, and chickened out every time at the last second.  But now I just cannot seem to find a home soon enough.  I can't seem to find one FAR ENOUGH - away from all of them.  I feel like I don't even know myself, and that when I do finally get the calm and quiet and happiness of being uninvolved in this traumatic trainwreck of a family, that I will ask myself WHY I ever joined them to begin with.