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ss8 just had a tantrum, hitting me, I told him to get out and go to his mother's...

dledden's picture

....which he proceeded to then tell me "i will, i love her more than you anyway" I told him these exact words: Fine, get the fuck out....i know, cursing was wrong, but it just came out.....i'm ready to explode right now!!! thanks for listening

Auteur's picture

And to think, most guilty daddies think an eight year old is FAR too young to "know what he is doing" or to "manipulate"


I hope your SO is on the same page as you. If not, watch your back!!!

dledden's picture

DH is at work, i'm stuck at home with my kids and ss8 who are off from school this week. SS8 just 'ran away', hahahah, and do you know how concerned I am? concerned enough that i'm in the nice warm house sitting on my ass watching kathie lee and hoda while he wanders away wanting his incompetent drug addict bm who doesn't even want him.....hahahahahah, i'm evil I know, but it's fun sometimes Smile

dledden's picture

he's sitting on the front step, not wandering the roads. my kids are outside with him. I called fdh and he's like 'i'm at work what do you want me to do'...kid can't get dropped off at bm's house cuz she's a drug addict and doesn't have a house to drop him off at, otherwise I would. I'm the one stuck with all this bullshit all the time and dad's always at work when it happens. So, I have to find some way to handle his shithead behaviors, and humor is one of them. sorry if you don't like it.

dledden's picture

DH won't be home until after 5pm tonight, I was able to get skid into the house, and then had to drag him to his room, so that's where he is now. I know how this is gonna play out, by the time FDH gets home, it will have been hours gone by since the behavior and i'll bet nothing happens. Me and baby daddy need a serious sit down over this one...

Anon2009's picture

I agree with this. It also sounds like SS needs counseling. His mom is an addict. No wonder he has issues.

Willow2010's picture

WOW! I understand losing control but this is crazy. I think you were wrong. But it seems like it is time that you are not the one to be watching this child. Please go get the kid out of the weather and put him in his room until DH gets home.

Willow2010's picture

Good,,,he is on the front porch. LOL. I get it, and I feel for you. But you really should not be the one to watch him if it gets to you this much.

I watched SS ONE time when he was about 8. Told DH that I would never do it again.

How about day care?

dledden's picture

lillians, you are right, everyone will blame his special needs and think i'm the problem. I don't care. My kids have special needs too and they don't HIT adults. My thing is what is going to happen when this kid, who's overweight now, who will really be big when he's 14, starts to hit me? If he doesn't learn now that it won't be tolerated, it will continue and my safety will be in danger. Not having that.

Auteur's picture

I think an ass whooping for SS is in order personally, but then again, I"m hopelessly old fashioned.

beyond pissed-off's picture

Put me in bloomers and a hoopskirt too because I am just as old fashioned! Beating a child is one thing but some kids only pay attention when you GET their attention. In this case, I think corporeal punishment is not only appropriate but required. It is literally a physical power struggle and you can not afford to lose.

alwaysanxious's picture

I rarely EVER say much to the skids in the way of discipline or punishment (because of disengagement). BUT if one ever even CAME at me LIKE they were going to do something, I'd wholeheartedly stand my ground and go at it. There is no way that a kid (and I have a stb teen and a teen) will ever feel like they can run over me physically in my home. NO Way. If they were smaller it would be the same because when they are teens, they will get worse.

I have a friend whose bio son is 10. She was telling him to do something and he challenged her - he's a big 10 year old too and he's going to be a big teenager/man. He went to push her and she grabbed him right by the neck (not squeezing) and got him right up agains the wall and said I will let you go when you stop. You will NOT put your hands on your mother.

I agreed with her completely. At some point a kid will challenge and you cannot let them run you.

In this case of the OP, dad seems apathetic and just lets her deal with all the crap. I'm glad OP will be having a sit down with him. Dad needs to do something.

dledden's picture

ss8 is mildly autistic and everyone acts like 'oh well he can't help it'.....bullshit, he doesn't hit other kids at school, doesn't hit his teacher, his personal care aide, etc. so he KNOWS it's wrong and gets away with doing it at home, so he does. fdh needs to put a stop to it, I surely can't. Kid don't listen to me, has even told me "i don't have to listen to you"....the only person he really responds to behaviorally is his father.....

Auteur's picture

It seems lately that "autistic" or "asbergers" or "ADHD" or "ODD" is code for "my kid can do whatever the hell he likes and get away with it.

beyond pissed-off's picture

And don't forget to tack on "It's not MY fault as a parent. It is the autism caused by the environment/vaccines/food additives/ect..... Nothing *I* can do about it. Tra-la-la!"

Disneyfan's picture

Are there any YMCA, PAL or day care centers he can go to when school is closed? If not, tell DH he has to burn vacation or sick days when school is closed.

I would have spanked his butt for hitting me.

spunkiedolittle's picture

you should refuse to watch him for dh again (i would) he needs to either get a babysitter or call in from work-and if he refuses, take the child to his father's work and drop him off-i bet he'll figure something out then

ctnmom's picture

I don't understand the pass society gives autistic kids! I think by not expecting anything out of them, it actually impeds thier progress! And I'm speaking as a Mom who never hit her kids, ever. Including CTBB. But you come at me? At any age, autistic, yellow ,green or purple, it's on like a mafia beatdown Baby! Biggrin

hismineandours's picture

IMO-it is never a good idea to use any physical discipline on your stepchild. I have spanked my kiddos here and there when they were younger-but not for many, many years-they are 14, 12, and 9. I also used to spank ss (at the direction of my dh) as he wouldnt respond to things such as timeouts, taking things away from him, and such-so I did try it to see if it would be effective-however I found it was just not good for ME to be using a physical discipline when I was so angry. Not saying I got out of control but I was able to see how it could happen. The other issue is this kid had sooo many behavioral issues he could literally earn a spanking every single day. Just not a good idea to be physically disciplining a child on a daily basis.

I also stopped physically discipling ss when he was about 8-he's 13 now. I stopped because one day he had a big, infected type scratch on his arm. I was presenIt when he got it-he put his arm down the vent in his room and then over the course of the next 10 days or so he picked at it and dug into it to where it was much more severe looking than it started out. I said something to him along the lines of that it was really starting to look bad and he probably needed to put some antibiotic cream on it-he said, "Yeah, I know that's where you scratched me". My mouth just dropped open and I certainly told him I was present when he did it and know that I didnt do it and he just looked at me. In that moment, i realized that he had no issue with making stuff up that could hurt me very badly and that it was just better it I adopted a complete hands off policy to remove myself from risk.

I agree with the others-this kid needs to go to daycare. Your dh is just going to need to accept this. The child does not listen to you or respond appropriately and that places everyone in the household at risk. I also agree that I would never stand by and let anyone hit me-but really it is not something for you to deal with-his dad needs to be able to ensure that it is never going to happen again-if he cant do that (and evidently he cant since you said he probably wont address it)then the kid needs to go to daycare.

RaeRae's picture

You told an 8 year old child to Get the fuck out? Of course the child needs discipline for what he did. But what about you? If some woman told my 8 year old son to Get the Fuck Out, and then let him 'run away', her DH would be in court so fast she wouldn't be able to blink. That is, if I weren't in jail for kicking her ass in the first place.

You are in no position to be taking care of this child. His autistic, his mother is on drugs, he needs a parent to give him discipline and guidance. Not another adult in his life rejecting him, telling him to get the fuck out. Your DH should find child care or send him to his druggie mother. At least she might feel some love for him. Either way, he should not leave this child with you.

Poor kid. He didn't ask for his mother to be a druggie, just like he didn't ask or his stepmom to hate him.

Telling him to get out and go to his mothers was childish. You just don't say that to an 8 year old kid. You put yourself on his age level by playing into his tantrum rather than sending him to his room or whatever to begin with.

Sorry if this is harsh, but he's 8. Eight.

Anon2009's picture

I have to agree with this. I also think that SS might, in the very near future, repeat the f word to her or someone else.

He might know it's wrong, but 8-year-olds don't parent themselves. Their behavior will change when their parents start changing how they parent. Hopefully, this DH can start parenting differently, find someone else to look after SS when he's not home andget his son some help for his autism and counseling.

dledden's picture

I agree that it was wrong to tell him to get the "f" out, but I am frustrated. Dad does nothing to discipline him. Druggie mother sees him once every 3 months. All the rearing of this child falls in my lap. Its hard for me sometimes, so I came here to vent. I tried to send him to his room, he woulnd't go so I had to drag him there. He needs to learn SOMEHOW that he can't hit me. I am new to being a stepmom so i'm going to make mistakes for sure. I don't hate this child, I hate that all of this new responsibility for basically all of his care has fallen on me all at once (we've only lived together since august).

Anon2009's picture

I think the best way to deal with this is to talk to your DH about it in a non-confrontational way. However, he does need to understand that it's not fair that all of the responsibility is now falling on you. He needs to look into daycare, getting SS professional help for his autism, and counseling. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. I can't imagine how hard it is for SS either. Maybe he inherited some issues genetically from BM? I don't know. It's a possibility worth looking into.

Also consider installing a nanny-cam so if DH tries to say SS doesn't need help, you can show him the film footage to prove otherwise.

dledden's picture

fdh lived with his parents from the time he took ss8 away from his mother at age 2 up to 4 months ago when we all moved in together(stepson is Dirol so that's about 6 years. I lived in my own apt with my kids before we moved in together. so, grandparents were basically raising ss8 while fdh worked, etc (pop pop is retired and stayed home with ss8 and his other grandkids). Very few problems for them cuz they gave the kid whatever he wanted, so no real tantrums. No real expectations for the child. this child didn't get diagnosed autistic until I requested fdh have him screened (i'm a teacher I knew within a few hrs. of first meeting him) when he was in kindergarten. now granted his autism is high functioning, he 'stims' which is a stereotypical autistic behavior and very obviously not normal behavior and has severely delayed gross and fine motor skills. FDH had blinders on the entire time. apparently his parents did too, and I love them to death, but they should have noticed something was wrong with ss8, as they have raised their own kids and have other grandkids. I dunno why ss8 frustrates me so much, I guess because i have real expectations for him, everyone else just did everything for him, which isn't going to help him function in the real world. Now he gets physical therapy, occupational therapy, has a personal care aide in his classroom, etc. all stuff i made sure got put into place.

so....that's where this child was before I came into the picture.....I can't send him to daycare, i have to learn to parent him and guide him appropriately, its just sooooooooooo frustrating at times!!!

RaeRae's picture

I gotta say again, your DH needs to find child care for him, until you are able to care for the child. I don't know how old you are, but you sound like a fairly young step mom. Instead of diving in head first, you've got to take baby steps. You've got to learn how to control your temper. Physically taking him to his room is acceptable. Even spanking his butt (some might disagree, but if you are in a parental position, you have to act like a parent) if he needs it. But you can't just jump in kicking and screaming.

But this boy does not need any more rejection. Take a look at his parents. Especially his mother. The boy needs love if he's going to thrive, and he may be a difficult one to love, but as you said, it's fallen into your lap. He's still little, he still has a chance, and as long as you are married to his daddy, and his mommy is a druggie, a great part of it is gonna fall right on top of your shoulders.

littlemommy's picture

This. I think I would've knocked him out, I don't care how screwed up his mother is. Lot's of kid's are in far worse situations and don't act half as bad as these kids on this site.

Most Evil's picture

I said the f. word to my SD once, told her she was an f'ing brat. I wanted her to know I was really angry, that is why I said it that way, she always tried to ignore and disrespect me at that time.

She and BM tried to act like she had never heard it before, but I told both of them I know BM says it about 99 times per hour. I think it did get her attention and she finally listened and heard what I was saying.

Just try not to do it again!! and yes, your DH needs to get someone else to watch this child. Sorry dear!!!

Madam Hedgehog's picture

It's easy for people to judge you for acting out of anger. Obviously, your reaction was not ideal.

However, I believe you acted with quite a bit of restraint considering the circumstances.

If any kid over 4 hit me, I would yank them off the ground by their shirt collar or pin them to the ground and explain exactly why their behavior is not okay.


Because they need to know that it's not okay. Because they need to know that not everyone is their mom or dad, and most people are not going to put up with their crap. Other people in the world are going to react to violence with violence, and these kids are going to get themselves hurt or killed acting like tyrants in a world that doesn't give a damn whether or not they grew up in a "broken" home or whether or not their mom's a druggie or their dad's a pushover. No one outside the family is going to guilty-parent themselves into living with the abuse your SS has been trained to dish out.

Kids grow up thinking the entire world is going to tolerate everything they do because their parents never draw the line.

What really sucks is that you had to draw the line the way you did. Your DH should have backed you up a long time ago. SS should never have been under the impression that he could hit you or yell at you at all.

So, I think, like others have said, that SS needs to go to daycare. If DH isn't going to back you up as a parent, then SS has no business in your home.

hippiegirl's picture

I wonder if the not enough spanking is somehow linked to so many entitled adult brats not wanting to get the f*#k out of their parents' houses?

thefunmommy's picture

High-functioning autistic does not need to be disciplined any differently than any other child. SS7 is high-functioning autistic. He gets disciplined the same as any other child, because otherwise he will not know his behavior is wrong. TELLING him that calling his sister names isn't going to make much of a difference to him. He had a lovely semi-violent fit tonight where a 5 minute timeout (I will not spank my skids. DH has given me a green light to do so, but I don't want to deal with any trouble that may come out of that) turned into a 2ish (he fell asleep) hour timeout, complete with screaming, hitting, kicking, name calling, and disrespect directed at his 5yo sister and me. I had to physically restrain him so he wouldn't put holes in the wall with his feet. How would you deal with this behavior in a "normal" child? Patience?
I'm sure this kid has issues non-related to his autism. He should get counseling for those things. But calmly telling an autistic child that you shouldn't hit won't do much.

dledden's picture

What led to the hitting? I told him "no" to something. God Forbid anyone tells this kid no. I don't give a shit if he doesn't like being told 'no'. He's not going to hit me and I will do whatever is necessary to stop that behavior. I don't have patience with him because he knows better than to do it. Like I posted before, he doesn't hit his teacher, his teacher's aide, his FATHER, he hits me, and he hits my mother. women.

let me add this tidbit of info to the scenario. My ex husband stabbed me ELEVEN times in front of my bio kids 3 years ago. I almost died. Victim of domestic violence of the most severe kind. My children witnessed this, so they too have issues. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is at the top of the list. both are in special ed for emotional disturbance issues. I have my hands full. Now i have this stepkid come into my home and think he's going to put his hands on me. NO, it's NOT going to happen. Granted, I agree the obsenities on my part were wrong, but he has to learn somehow that hitting women will not be accepted in our home, or he's going to get OUT of our home. Autistic or not. no excuse.