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SS13 is Hoarding money at BM’s. Hill to die on?? Thoughts please

Alexusmaine's picture

SS13 gets around $200 from DH's Relatives at Christmas plus DH gives SS13 a weekly Allowance for doing well in school or doing chores. SS13 refuses to put any money in the bank and wants to "hold on to it". The problem is SS13 does NOT keep the money at our house but sneaks it over to BM's house. DH has told SS13 he needs to keep the money at our house but SS never does and DH never Reinforces it. So when we go out SS13 never has any money since he's Brought it all over to BM's. This will lead to SS13 wanting stuff but has no money so DH just hands over more money. 

This is a huge thorn in my side as SS13 is the most selfish brat that has hundreds of dollars at BM's house but refuses to spend any of it. I've had may Arguments with DH about this. DH will tell SS to bring money over or keep money at our house but SS never does and DH never Enforces it. 

Would you just let it go since it's DH's money that's going to SS13 or is this a hill to die on? 

JRI's picture

Many compromises are available.  How about when allowance time comes, part goes to SS13 and part is kept in dad's hands?

Gimlet's picture

If your DH doesn't care, not much you can do, unless it's so much that it's impacting his ability to meet his household obligations.

One suggestion would be for DH to open a kid's checking account - Capital One has good ones.  He could deposit the money into the account (or his own and transfer it), and SS would have his own debit card.  You can sell it as teaching SS how to budget and that he would have access to the money no matter where he is, and maybe earn a little interest on it.

But again, if your DH doesn't want to change it and it's not hurting your household,  I wouldn't make it a hill to die on.

Gimlet's picture

He would still have all his money, just in an account instead of under his pillow.  This is a DH problem all the way around.

advice.only2's picture

If you have separated finances who cares if DH allows himself to be a walk up ATM to SS13, it's not your money going down the drain.  If you don't have separated finances then yes this would irritate me and I would separate my finances at that point. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Not a hill to die on but I would try to talk DH into a prepaid spending card- like greenlight or Step for teenagers. That way your DH can monitor the $ he gives him and no more hoarding money at BM's for the things he wants. The card can even stay at your house or see if you can get 2 copies so one for each house.

Merry's picture

SS refuses to put any money in the bank. That right there is allowing SS to have too much power. That is not setting him up for success in learning how banking and bank accounts work.

How about DH start a new thing with SS, now that he's "old enough" (I had a savings account at 7, so...) to learn about this bit of financial management. DH gives him some cash, and some goes into a kid account? That gets rid of the excuse that SS has no money to buy the gadgets he wants when he's with Dad.

DH can turn this into a win with just a little bit of effort.

Rags's picture

Not a hill to die on.... except for grabbing your DH by the proverbial short and curlies and letting him know that SS's allowance covers his "I wannit" purchased when he is out and about.  If SS does not carry money, SS does not buy his "I wannit" stuff.

The problem isn't that SS is greedy.  In fact, this kid is brilliant. He saves his money and gets exactly what he wants.  The problem is your DH has no balls.

Steppedonnomore's picture

Your SS doing as he wants with his money is not an issue.  Your DH spending additional money on SS could be an issue if by doing so he is not fulfilling his financial obligation to your household.  If DH is not paying his share of the household expenses, then that may indeed be a hill to die on.  

fakemommy's picture

The keeping money at BM's wouldn't bother me, but spending money on SS randomly would bother me. We don't do that in our house for any of the kids. Have you talked about the debit card with DH? If he leaves it at BM's you can take the money off his account or not put as much on it later.

Harry's picture

As long as DH is paying the bills, takes you on adult vacation,  has his retirement funded, ect. Then don't worry about it. 
Just make sure that none of your personal money goes to SS.   

Just remembered you have not hit the real big money years.  SS car and insurance, college, weddings, ect. I would be preparing for that.  Not $10 or $100. But thousand and thousand of dollars  

Cover1W's picture

YSD hoards both money and gift cards. DH, upon my urging, opened a bank account for her 2 or so years ago but neither he nor BM make her use it. After than account was opened, and YSD wanted to learn how to use it and her debit card, and nothing happened, I just STOPPED caring.

I do not buy anything special for her. DH can do it. If she wants something (the last time was Halloween 2019) then she must take cash with her. I will not purchase it for her because I know she has the funds.

Just make sure your money is not supporting the skid. That's all you can do.

ESMOD's picture

When you give a gift... you cannot put conditions on it.  So if he is given money at a holiday etc.. he can take it with him to mom's.. he can keep his allowance there too.. whatever you want buddy.

But.. what needs to happen.. and if it doesn't it's a DH problem.... is that dad needs to stop shelling out money when his kid wants things in the moment.

Oh.. you want that game?  well.. you have your allowance.. oh.. at mom's?  well, guess you can buy the game when you get back there.

If your husband can't say "no" to the in the moment request.. perhaps he could subtract any of these spends from subsequent allowance.  

Kid wants that 20 dollar item now.. allowance is at mom's.. then dad might front him the 20 bucks.. but at allowance time he subtracts that from what he gives him.

Whether it is a hill to die on or not.. may depend on the amount of "extra" your DH is shelling out for his son.. 


DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

It’s his money and he should be able to take it to his other home/primary place of residence. 

His dad ought to be encouraging him on how best to look after his money. 

He ought to be encouraged to put a small amount away in case he looses it! 

hereiam's picture

Well, your SS is manipulating your DH and he is a sucker for falling for it.

Not only that, but he is encouraging this behavior and not teaching his son about real life.

His son is going to grow up to be a user. He will save all of his money, while using somebody else for theirs. Nice.

mommadukes2015's picture

Just a question: how stable is BM's house? 

 Could it possibly be SS hoards it there out of fear of insecurity? 

still learning's picture

This is the perfect opportunity to teach ss about money management. He can open a joint account with DH, earn interest, learn how to budget, and keep track of his balance. He could spend half save half.  Let relatives know that any future cash gifts will be going directly into his account.  Let him decide what to do with his current pillow money, but as the adult and parent, DH can help guide ss with future choices.  

If ss poo poos the idea then DH can open a savings account for him and put all cash funds in it anyway. SS can decide whether to participate or not. I'm guessing that once he has a nice balance he'll change his tune.  

Rags's picture

He keeps his money at BMs because he knows that daddy will buy him whatever he wants when he is at daddy'd house and ....he gets to keep his money.

It does need to be in a bank account though. There certainly is a bit of an odor to all this that suggests that BM may be using the Skid's cash.


Sandybeaches's picture

I have always been a firm believer in money given as a gift is not a college fund unless someone gave the gift with terms attached to put in a college fund.

In other words the gift giver would have bought a gift for the child had they known what to buy them so the child should get to do whatever they want with the money with of course some digression from the parent.  In this case SS wants to hoard it, that is his right to do so. 

However of course your DH could say well you can have 10 dollars towards whatever it is he is asking for but, that is what your gift money is for, to buy yourself a gift because grama or whomever didn't know what to get you. In the end your DH will do whatever he wants so not a hill to die on.