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SS boundaries

Dreamy cloud's picture

Submitted by Dreamy cloud on Mon, 05/01/2023 - 5:21am

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General Discussion

Hi I have posted previously, and in terms of boundaries it has got better. But my boyfriend seems to lack consistency in these boundaries with his 7 year old son. (And wonders why a 7 year old speaks to him awful at times) 

there's just a few things that worries me because I don't know if I'm over reacting but it's got to the point I don't like to be there when SS is there. mainly due to the way he can speak to his dad (dad brushes it off saying "he's just being cheeky") but it's more than that. 
 

anyway so my main point of todays post is that I found when I wasn't there my boyfriend was allowing SS to sleep in our bed and then of course when I am there SS sleeps on his own bed. My issue was that is our bed , our private space and he is also teaching his child that when I am not there he can sleep with daddy but when I am there he has to go in his own bed. I don't think that's going to do any favours as the kid will prefer when I am not there as he gets daddy to himself and gets to stay in dads bed.

so anyway my boyfriend agreed to stop doing this (however I wouldn't really know if that's the truth, as if I'm not there I don't know) but another issue is that when he has his son he is letting him stay up really late .. and I get it to a point if they are having the one off boys night but it's every night he has him that he's allowing him to stay up till midnight or later, they even got a takeaway at 11pm at one time and the step son was singing really loudly walking down the hallway with the bag of takeaway food (just to mention we live in an apartment so considering noises levels) anyway my boyfriend asked me to come back the apartment as I had been staying at my brothers address whilst he's on vacation. And bareing in mind I don't really enjoy the atmosphere at the apartment when SS is there and we wouldn't  get any "couples" time together because he's been letting his son stay up till what time he wants. So my boyfriend said "well if your coming round I will tell him he needs to go to bed earlier" which my worry is that my boyfriend is then again (like the bed situation) teaching inconsistent boundaries and showing his son that when I am there he can't sleep in dads bed and he has to go to bed early when I am there. But when I am not there he is abe to do what he wants. I just worry this will teach the child to not want me there. My boyfriend always tells me "he's been good as good" when I am not there, but I find that hard to believe because when I am there his son has moments where he is good and then moments where he speaks to dad horrible. So I don't know if my boyfriend is telling me he's been good to encourage me to come and stay over or is it that the son is more behaved with his dad alone because his son gets free range over boundaries. I will never know. My boyfriend has got better with recognising when his son is being more than cheeky and does reinforce boundaries (say tells him it's not appropriate or sends him to his room if he continues) but typically the outcome is that his son cries and then dad gives him reassurance, but then dad is the bad one in his eyes for telling him off ,so the kid never learns from the reason say he got sent to his room. 
 

I just need some advice if any of this makes sense. I just don't know what to do and feel abit stressed with the situation and how I feel is confusing. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Mon, 05/01/2023 - 7:16am

Until your bf understands that being a parent is about structure, boundaries, respect, discipline and that a parent's job is to raise their child to be a decent, responsible human being and NOT to be his bestie nothing will change.

You are not wrong in your assessment but your bf doesn't want to know. Personally, I consider "cheekiness" to be unacceptable and should have consequences. How  is he ever going to hold down a job if he doesn't understand that you cannot run your mouth when you feel like it? Your bf is actively stunting his son's development.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Mon, 05/01/2023 - 7:32am

This guy will be all bewildered when his kid is 14 and in juvie, wondering what went wrong. "He was a good boy!" When he goes off to 20 to life he will be like "He's just cheeky!" 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 05/01/2023 - 8:14am

Your BF may love his son, but he is not being a good father to him.  He is afraid to actually parent his child.. and in some ways is relying on his child for his own comfort and company.

You are correct.. a 7 year old has no business being up at 11PM.  A child that age should be in bed by 7:30-830 PM.. 9 pm tops.  

Also.. the co-sleeping is not something he needs to be carrying on with at that age.. I know some people do it.. but honestly, as you know.. it is not very workable when you have a non-related romantic partner.

And... Sure kids get fresh.. cheeky.. but they also learn that their parent's are the authority.. and that bucking authority has it's consequences.. it doesn't have to mean that the kid is beaten.. or yelled at.  but firmly worded consequences for back talk.. removal of "fun".. being told that their behavior is dissapointing to their parent.  Being told that speaking like that to an adult is unnaceptable and will not be tolerated.  all those things need to happen.  

In the end.. when you stop being a kid's friend.. and start being their parent.. and insist on respect.. for yourself and for others.. you are creating a person that the world will more readily accept.  Because he will not do well at school.. at work.. with peers and other authority figures if he feels that he can act whatever way he wants.

If your BF truly cannot see the damage he is causing by allowing his kid to rule his home?  I don't know that I would invest much more time with him.  His kid is 7.. and I would absolutely count on more than 10 years of issues.. and beyond.. because this kind of father doesn't creat kids that leave home onto meaningful lives at 18.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 05/01/2023 - 8:22am

As this kid gets older things are going to get worse.   Think about ,,  It this the type of relationship you want to be in.  If you are venting here, now.  You have serious problems with the relationship.  This is the honeymoon time of the relationship,  it's goes down hill from here. 

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Mon, 05/01/2023 - 9:17am

Your BF doesn't care to be a parent unless it matters to you, that makes you the bad guy. You are also on point that the kid will blame you for the rule changes.

Dreamy cloud's picture

Submitted by Dreamy cloud on Mon, 05/15/2023 - 7:55am

Well update is that bf is saying he is making improvements to implementing discipline. Yes the child has got less cheeky but still does it and every so often gets loopy. But to be honest a lot of the time when the child is there I am not there now as the way it has landed with my shifts I go to see my own family on my days off. My bf tells me his sons been 'good as gold' now i am not sure of how much of that to believe. 
 

however I was also horrified to learn after me having a the conversation with my bf about his son being in our bed... I've learnt that whilst I was away his son was getting a shower (assisted by dad, because he is incapable of showering himself) that my bf was then drying his hair on our bed, whilst his son was rolling around our bed absolutely naked. I was like what the actual ** , I said This isn't normal behaviour for a 7 (very nearly 8 , in less than a month) year old. And my boyfriend didn't see the problem with it. Yet we have had conversations about our bed being off limits as such because of the Co sleeping. And then I find that out. 
 

also I feel when I do go and see my family, my boyfriend doesn't come along when he has his son (even when I make effort to invite them) they are stuck in their routine. And that's fine, but I've noticed my boyfriend will only ring to want to speak to me when his son has gone back home to his mums house. I just feel like there's a big divide in my relationship when my bf has his son over. Yes I do alot of the time go to my family's home to stay, but some of the time I stay, and when I do go I make effort to invite them and involve them. But I just feel like my bf ignores my messages and only ever wants to ring when his son has gone back to his mums. Like when I work nights (I obviously can't help that) and I try and message as and when I can and of course need to sleep in the day, and my bf gets down and says we have hardly seen or spoken with me being on nights...yet when he has his son over it's like he doesn't really mind then at how little we speak or see eachother , until it's time for his son to go back to his mums. I don't really know how to feel about that. It's like I'm there for when it suits to fill his empty time without his son

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 05/15/2023 - 8:12am

This BF sounds like a lot of hassle, with the dysfunctional son and everything.  It is going to take a lot of work for him to get back on track, if that ever happens.  If I were you, I'd say bye bye.  You sound like a smart, hard-working person.  You don't need this situation which will only get worse as the boy ages and dad doesn't parent him.  Good luck.

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Mon, 05/15/2023 - 11:19am

His actions show that SS comes first.  You are filler.  A warm body to have fun with when he has some spare time.  Love yourself more.